


Help Me Feel Again

by Sammi_Trancy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Anorexia, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Lots of Angst, M/M, Murder, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 19:49:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 197,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1359694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammi_Trancy/pseuds/Sammi_Trancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A terrible accident lands 18 year old Eren Jaeger in West Trost  mental institution where he meets his cold and mysterious room mate, Levi who refuses to open up at all what so ever to Eren. Who knew that this ill tempered man would become such an important part of his new life in the ward.<br/>Rating changes to explicit starting on chapter 11!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And on this episode of 'Someone take Sammi's laptop away' I begin another multichapter fic when I know I should really be updating my other ones. Oops my finger slipped.  
> So the basic idea of this was born while watching American Horror Story: Asylum, however it'll bear little to no similarity's, like the whole religious thing. No. I just used ahs as inspiration.  
> That being said, this should be pretty twisted. Its a hospital for the criminally insane after all, so most characters will have a murderous background. But I plan to mix in simple mentally unstable patients into it too.  
> Trigger warning for Self harm, Suicide attempt, and Abuse. First chapter and 3 tw's already woo.  
> Set around 1996 or so and told from Eren's POV btw.  
> Anyways, Enjoy!~

Everything was white, that was the first thing I noticed as my eyes adjusted to my new surroundings. So blindingly white I had to squint once my vision became clear.

I groaned. The next thing I noticed was the smell. It reeked of over cleanliness and my nose wrinkled at the sterilized scent. 

How the hell did I get here? And where was 'here' exactly?

My wrist's hurt. They really fucking hurt. I attempted to bring my arms up to examine what was causing the pain, though I hissed as I was met with a shooting pain that coursed through both arms at once. So I decided to keep my arms still.

Slowly, I turned my head to the side to examine my surroundings. There were machines, one keeping track of my heart rate. That much I knew. I moved to sit up, though immediately falling back on the bed I've apparently been on once I felt as if i'd been punched in the neck.

I took a moment to compose myself, waiting for the pain to fade out before taking it more easy this time, sitting up slowly and cautiously.

There was a needle stuck in my arm and bandages on both wrists, I could clearly see crimson beginning to seep through the white fabric covering my apparent wounds.

I came to the conclusion that I was in a hospital. But this didn't make sense. How had I gotten here? I pondered the question for some time, racking my brain for an answer. I stared blankly at the bright white wall in front of me for a long while, trying desperately to remember what happened to land me in a fucking hospital.

Then, my memory came trickling back in and I soon wished I could remain in the peaceful bliss I had been in only moments ago.

\---

I woke up to the sound of shouting, my parents shouting to be exact. Typical, its every damn night with these two and i'm just about fed up with this. My father isn't home much, but when he is he's piss drunk and screaming at something. Be it my mother, my sister, or myself.

And by the sound of it, my mother was the one dealing with his shit tonight since her raised voice was the only one accompanying his own. I sat up in bed and sighed heavily. My mom and I had never been that close, but hearing the hateful slurred words being thrown at her from my father pissed me off.

But as selfish as it was, I was more pissed about the fact that their screaming had woken me up, not exactly that he was taking out his drunken rage out on her. I mean really, it was every damn night. sometimes even in the middle of the day if he was home.

I was snapped out of my self pity over my lack of sleep by a loud crash followed by a high pitched scream that was surely moms. I instantly jumped out of my bed to my feet, ready to go see what the hell had happened.

As I left the barrier of between the safety of my room and the rest of the house I was hit with the thick tension that clung heavily to the air. Not a sound was heard, just deafening, eerie silence. And I have to admit I was beginning to grow scared to turn the corner to the kitchen, where the sound had come from.

But I did anyways, and what I saw before me was horrifying. My father had thrown mom back against the wall from the looks of it. He'd been towering over her defenseless being while she retreated into herself, looking up at him fearfully. Glass littered the floor from the mirror he had broken since the place she'd been shoved was the spot where a mirror hung.

I was frozen in place, not sure how to react. I wanted to pull him away from her, but i'd fought my father far more times than i'd like to admit and I always lost within the first 5 seconds. He was too strong and I knew I couldn't prevent him from hurting her even if I tried. He'd just beat me, and when he was finished he'd go right back to mom. It's happened before.

His next move was the one that shocked me the most. He pulled a gun he'd somehow managed to obtain from his coat pocket and pointed it straight at mom. I could see her teary eyes widen with shock and pure terror as he placed his finger on the trigger. His body swayed and his hands trembled with anger, I couldn't see his face, but I could smell the alcohol on his breath from where I was standing

"You bitch, I should have gotten rid of you long ago!" He screamed in her face, his words slurred almost to the point of not being understandable. It was obvious he was horrifically drunk, but be that as it may, I never expected this.

My first reaction was to run up behind him and grab the gun, I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing until it was done. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and attempted to wrestle the gun from his hand.

"You little shit!" He growled, looking over his shoulder. I almost gagged at the heavy scent of whiskey tainting his disgustingly hot breath.

I then felt a unbearable pain course through my jaw and I took a moment to realized that he'd used his free hand to reach back and punch me hard in the jaw. I yelped in pain, but I didn't let up. I couldn't let him kill mom, and if I gave up now he'd surely kill us both. Then he'd most likely go for my sister. I couldn't let that happen, I had to get the gun.

I'd managed to get my hands on it, however with a slip of the trigger a loud shot echoed through the room. I felt warm liquid splatter across my face and dad fell limp in my arms. Caught off guard and unable to support his weight in my frozen, shocked state he fell heavily to the floor with a thud. Followed by the pistol that I'd dropped.

It was silent. So silent that all I could hear was ringing from the loud shot that had most likely done temporary damage to my ears. I was scared to look down. No, I was terrified. And once I mustered up the courage to do so I jumped back in horror.

My father lay on the ground, his head gushing blood at a fast rate onto the white tile floor. His lifeless eyes wide open and staring blankly at the ceiling. My hand flew to my mouth to keep in the vomit that threatened to spew out at the sight.

Once I pulled my hand away I noticed the spots of crimson. Blood. Dad's blood. It was all over my face, shirt and now my hand.

I'd killed my own father

I looked up to see mothers mortified expression. She was shaking and crying, looking at me and gasping for air. Her sobs grew louder by the second.

"You killed him! You monster! Stay away from me!" She shouted in a broken tone, her voice obviously shot from all the screaming.

She was right. I'm a monster. A murderer. I killed my own flesh and blood. I wanted to run away and cry forever, but I couldn't move. I couldn't blink. I couldn't do anything but stare at my mother as she began to panic.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed as she ran past me, stepping over father's body and running to her room, leaving bloody footsteps behind her. I soon heard her frantic muffled voice in the other room, apparently on the phone with the police.

I was going to jail. No I don't deserve just jail. I deserve much worse.

I finally regained control over my body, so I walked slowly past dads motionless corpse and threw myself to the floor by the mirror shards from earlier, ignoring the stinging pain of glass tearing through the fabric of my pants and digging into my skin. I rolled up my long sleeves, staring momentarily at the many white lines my flesh bared from my old destructive habits. And in the back of my mind I remembered that I had recovered for the most part from self-harm maybe 3 months ago with daily struggle.

Oh no, but this time I wasn't simply tearing my flesh to watch myself bleed, to feel momentary relief. This time I was ending it all, falling into eternal rest. I didn't deserve a life. If I hadn't before, I surely didn't now. I was a fucking monster.

I gripped one of the larger chunks of glass haphazardly in one hand and in one fluid motion, dug the edge into my wrist and cut it open deeply. Switching hands, I did the same with the other to the best of my ability, though it came out jagged and uneven. But I didn't much care.

I dropped the now bloody mirror chunk and stared down at my wrist's. I did it, I actually did it. I'm going to die now, i'm finally going to die. A beautiful crimson river flowed quickly out of the deep, fatal wounds, falling to the white tile and beginning to pool, mixing with my fathers blood.

My vision began to blur and soon everything faded to pitch black. The last thing I remember was the sound of mom screaming and distant sirens.

\---

I sighed, my stomach turning once I remembered everything that happened. I killed my dad and slit my wrists. I tried to die but obviously failed since i'm still here breathing when I shouldn't be. I wondered where mom was, though I probably would never know that. I killed her husband and I was most likely going to jail. Even if I was set free I highly doubt she'd want to see me again after the way she reacted. It was perfectly understandable.

Then the door creaked open and in walked a short, young nurse with orange hair and golden brown eyes. She was looking down at her clipboard as she closed the door quietly behind here, jumping slightly when she looked up. Probably shocked that I was awake and sitting up, and I didn't even want to know what the expression on my face looked like. But she recovered from the shock at record speed and gave a bright smile. 

"Oh Eren, I see your awake. That's great! I'm Petra Ral, your nurse" She said, walking over to my bedside. "You must be confused, or do you already know why your here?" She questioned, her tone gentle and sweet. Honestly, it was soothing.

"I know why i'm here." I replied emotionlessly, glaring over at her with eyes that probably held no emotion either. But this didn't faze her, she probably dealt with this a lot.

"I'm very sorry for what happened. Do you know where you are?" She asked, her tone a bit softer.

"A hospital." I replied dryly. What kind of a question was that? Of course I figured out it was a fucking hospital. I'm not stupid.

She gave me a sympathetic smile. "Well, not exactly. This is the infirmary of West Trost mental institution." She said.

Wait, I know of West Trost, Its a hospital for the criminally insane. I have heard of it but I never ever expected to even see it let alone be in it. I'm in a fucking hospital of murderers, are you kidding me?

"I know it must be a lot to take in, but i have to ask a few questions. If its okay of course, if you would like some time I could ask you later." She said as she took a seat in the wooden chair at the bedside.

"Whatever, its fine." I replied in the same cold tone. I felt slightly bad for being so rude to her. She seemed really nice but I couldn't be bothered to put on a fake smile and be polite at the moment. Everything was such a shock and nothing felt real. I hoped to all higher power that this was some sick, twisted nightmare.

But wait, if its true that you couldn't feel pain in a dream, then this was all too real. The pain both inside and out proved that.

"Okay then lets get started!" She sounded a little too peppy for this situation at hand. "I understand you suffer or suffered with self-harm?" She asked her first question in a softer tone, gesturing to my marred arms.

I have a simple nod, attempting to hide my arms out of habit. She scribbled something on her clipboard.

"And you've been tested for mental illness in the recent past and came out positive for depression and anxiety, do you recall?"

Another nod and another thing scribbled on the board. I'd been prescribed medication for my depression but I never took them. Being 18, I was able to take a huge step in recovery and visit a therapist a couple times during the past three months, but for some reason I still didn't want to take my meds.

"Now to the harder questions." She said. "Have you ever contemplated suicide?" She asked, her eyes shifting a bit, sympathy apparent in her golden orbs.

Why the hell should I even lie, I was already fucked. So I nodded.

"Did you plan to kill Grisha?" Her tone was gentle, trying to cushion the true harshness of the question.

I felt a flare of anger and guilt. "It was an accident!" I snapped, gritting my teeth. She flinched, her mouth hanging open slightly. She was obviously shocked by my outburst and I completely understood that. But I couldn't help but raise my voice, I couldn't control it. I didn't even think about my answer for a second but it was still the truth.

She relaxed a bit and cleared her throat, scribbling something on her clipboard once more, but I noticed she took a bit longer this time.

"Have you thought about committing murder in general?" She asked, her tone showing no signs of being fazed at all my my loss of temper.

Of course I haven't! I wasn't fucking insane like they apparently thought me to be. But then came the second guessing. Have I thought about killing people? I mean sure, I've wished death upon most of the kids at my school. They make my life hell so of course I want them to die. That's normal right? But I never thought of committing the murder myself. I simply thought that I wouldn't care if someone else did it.

I stayed silent, unable to answer. My throat felt dry and my chest was tight. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice the tears running down my face. Once she figured out I didn't plan on answering her she took time to write down more shit on her clipboard before rising to her feet. 

"I think I've gotten all the information I need. I will return soon with your clothing." And with that she left.

My clothing? What clothing? Why do I need clothing?

Then the obvious reality hit me. I was staying here. I instantly regretted my choice in words. I should have known better, I should have lied to make myself seem perfectly sane.

I mean I was perfectly sane, right?

I began to panic, I didn't want to live in a fucking ward. I don't belong in one! Oh but wait, I killed dad. And tried to kill myself. Right.

And I realized, maybe I do belong in here. I wasn't necessarily sad when I killed him. I was scared for myself more than anything. Death doesn't scare me and I've wished death on more of the kids at school than i'd like to admit. That was not normal, sane kids didn't think like that.

I destroyed my body Inside and out. I took to cutting, smoking, and drinking. But I dropped cutting after my best friend found out.

Armin was like a brother, he was my friend since we were kids. One day I was over at his house (Not mine since it was late and my parents would most likely be screaming at each other). He was helping me study, I was failing all my classes and he took it upon himself to help me get at least a C.

\---

"Eren can you hand me my study guide over there? I'm gonna check your answers." He said, pointing across him at the papers stapled together that our teacher had assigned us. He was currently helping me with my science homework, I had just finished doing 5 pages of the 100 page packet we had for homework. Most of the pages were meant to be read, so the work load wasn't as bad as it sounded. But I still dreaded doing it.

I nodded simply and reached over across from us to grab it from the top of many other papers that littered the floor. I hadn't even thought of the possibility of my sleeve riding up, but that's exactly what happened. Armin gasped.

I looked over at him with confusion apparent in my expression and tossed the packet at him, cocking my head slightly. "What?"

"Eren. Show me your arm."

Fuck.

"No."

"Damn it Eren, I said show me your arm." His tone held no real threat, but it was still firm. And he was cursing, so he meant business. He rarely ever said such words, he was a goody goody.

I sighed and held my arm out to him, not daring to look at him as he rolled up my sleeve. Another gasp escaped his lips and I could feel his eyes on the disturbing collection of deep cuts and faded white scars about my arm from my wrist past my elbow. Luckily he couldn't see the ones higher up, since they were a bit deeper.

"Why.." He asked in a quiet tone, I could hear pain in his voice. I looked over and instantly regretted it.

He had tears in his eyes that soon began to spill down his porcelain cheeks.

I suddenly felt his arms around me, he'd pulled me into a tight hug that nearly knocked me back onto the floor. He was crying on my shoulder, his tight grip never letting up.

He shouldn't be crying, I should be, oh wait I was.

I told him everything, I told him how I felt about myself, about how the bully's truly affected me, about the details of home life that I kept from him such as my fathers abuse to my sister, mom, and self. Everything. There was no use in hiding it anymore. He saw the proof that I was not okay written all over my arms.

And from that day he vowed to always be there for me no matter what. Sure I had relapses along the way, but with his encouragement I got better. I finally recovered from the life consuming addiction that held so much power over me.

 

Armin is probably so worried right now. I failed him. What if he needs me? I wont be there. What if I never see him again? I began sobbing uncontrollably at these thoughts, I laid back and let the tears fall down my face and onto the snow white pillow.

Though Petra soon returned, and I was lucky that my crying had come to a stop by then and the only proof that i'd been crying as hard as I was was my red, puffy eyes. She handed me a dark red hoodie and black sweat pants. I recognized these clothes, these were mine.

"Your mother left some clothes for you just in case you had to stay with us, and its been decided that you have to stay here. Your mental state is weak and we would like to help curve your ways." She explained.

My ways? They really think i'm a psychopath. Then there was that voice again telling me that she was right.

She walked over to me and began disconnecting my from the machines, pulling the needle from my arm and placing a small band-aid on the minuscule wound.

"As long as you take it easy you are allowed to enter the ward now, there is no need for you to stay here. Your wrist's are all stitched up, but be very careful not to reopen the wounds. They were pretty serious." She said as she began walking to the door. "I will excuse you for a moment so you can get dressed and then I'll walk you up to our ward." And with that she disappeared.

The door clicked shut behind her and I was once again left alone in the small white room. It was eerily silent without the beeping of my heart rate monitor, silent like the house had been that night. How long have I even been asleep? I had no idea if it was day or night. There was no windows, the only light source being the cheap slightly dim light on the ceiling that seemed as if it would blow soon.

So I was really staying here. It was too much to take in, just before the incident I'd been a fairly normal teenager. About to graduate high school with the help of my best friend and sister. I was even getting better. I mean sure, I had my bouts of depression once in a while, mainly triggered by my asshole classmates constantly picking at me and of course dad. But for the most part I was beginning to find happiness with the two most important people in my life.

And now its all gone. Just like that my life was completely gone. Would I ever get out of here to see them again? 

I sighed and got to my feet, deciding it'd be wise to get changed now instead of wasting anymore time sulking. I'd save that for whenever I get a room or something. I easily stripped of the hospital gown, letting it fall to the floor. Reaching over to the bed for my hoodie, I hissed in pain. I stretched my arm too far on accident and my wrist stung, every nerve in my arm being shocked with momentary agony.

I growled lightly, the smallest things irritated the wounds. The nurse wasn't kidding when she said take it real easy. I stepped closer to the bed, figuring that would be the logical thing to do. And this time I was actually able to reach my hoodie without fucking my wrist up. I pulled the soft fabric over my head, the scent of home overwhelming my nose. And suddenly I felt like crying all over again.

Again, I decided to bottle that up until I was alone in my assigned room. So I bit my inner cheek and forced the tears away. I took a deep breath when I was fully composed once more and slipped the black sweats on. I was thankful I could wear my own clothes and not a hospital gown with my ass hanging out or something. And I was even more thankful that mom brought a hoodie because I'd rather not have an asylum of murderers gawking at my fucked up arms.

I sat on the bed once more, not really sure if I was allowed to go find the nurse. Probably not, they think i'm an insane patient, if I leave the room unattended they would reprimand me or some shit. So I figured i'd just wait for her to come back as she said she would.

I didn't have to wait too long, a knock at the door announced her arrival. She called out a request to enter, and I granted. She came walking back in, her cheery attitude back fully, a bright smile spread across her face once more. I decided that I liked her, her kindness is assuring. Considering the horror stories about patients being abused by nurses in places like these. Though she was a bit too cheery in certain situations. Such as asking me if I thought about killing people.

"Ready Eren? I'll take you up to the ward and leave you with Erwin, he runs the ward. He's very nice and he'll show you where to go from there." She motioned to the door, holding it open for me.

Hesitantly, I began taking slow steps out of the small room. I was nervous, there was absolutely no denying that much. I didn't want to go up there, it was full of psychopathic killers, most probably far worse than myself. What if they all turn against me? It would make life here a hell of a lot worse than I already figured it'd be.

Petra gave me a sympathetic and understanding look, she must have noticed my hesitance to leave the safety of my hospital room. "Its okay, I promise its not as bad as it seems here."

I took a shaky breath and nodded, taking my first step out the door. She appeared next to me, guiding me through the halls to a large grand staircase, probably leading up to the ward. It was long, and I found myself slightly winded once we were at the top. Down another short hall was a set of locked double doors, she scanned a card that she pulled from her dress pocket and pushed the doors open, letting me inside.

And then another short hall and another set of double doors. Damn, this place is under a lot of security, its understandable since its full of killers. She repeated the quick process of scanning her card and let me in, this time it seemed we'd arrived to the actual ward.

There was a empty recreation room. The walls were white, cream colored sofas spread about in various locations. A pool table was near the center and in one of the corners there was a table with many bored games laid out, quite a few chairs accompanying the table. In front of one of the larger sofas was a T.V. There was windows with bars over them at the very top of the walls, I assumed it was to make sure no one tried to break the bars and escape.

No light shone in through the windows, though. I concluded it was in fact night time. That would explain why the only occupants of the room were Petra and I. Must be lights out already.

"This is it, Erwin will be her in a minute. I told him he had a new patient, he's exited to meet you!"

Yeah. This guy is definitely exited to meet a murderer. Then again, he deals with them every day apparently.

And so began my new life at West Trost mental institution for the criminally insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also guys I have a new instagram account called Phansexual.exe where I post phan so if you also ship dan and phil you can follow me there, I post almost every day. Thx ilysm <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, the second chapter to my thing. This started out as a simple idea that I never thought I'd actually get serious about, but surprise surprise I decide to commit to another chapter fic when I have two others to update. Meh, oh well. I hope you enjoy regardless! I tired my best to keep this written to the best of my ability, though I did get lazy at times. This was written in multiple sittings due to lack of motivation and terrible concentration. Tell me if you spot any typos!  
> Enjoy!~

Petra had led us to one of the plush cream colored sofas so we didn't have to stand while waiting for Erwin. While we waited she tried to make small talk, but thank god this Erwin guy didn't take too long to show up. I don't think I would be capable of holding a conversation with someone as cheery as herself, especially taking my current mental state in consideration. I was in no position to make mindless happy chatter.

The first thing I noticed about him was his look. He was handsome, so handsome it was irritating. He had an undercut hair style, his blond hair slicked back perfectly, his piercing blue eyes and perfect posture radiated authority. He wore a plain white button down shirt that was tucked into black trousers. He looked strict, but I couldn't know for sure, just judging by what I saw as he strode over to us.

Petra stood and gestured for me to do the same. "Hello Erwin! This is your new patient." She smiled brightly as she always did.

"Ah, Eren is it?" He stopped in front of us. His voice was as smooth as velvet and I was beginning to wonder why the hell someone like him would choose to run a ward of killers.

I nodded. A smile played across his lips and he extended his hand to me. I took a few awkward moments to realize he was attempting to shake my hand, so I grabbed his much larger hand and shook it. His grip was a bit too firm, though.

"Its very nice to meet you, don't worry your in good hands here and we all want nothing more but to help you." His charming smile never faltered and it pissed me off. He switched his gaze to the nurse. "Thank you, I can take it from here Petra."

Petra nodded and dismissed herself, scanning her card and opening the large double doors. The loud slam of the doors shutting heavily echoed through the large room, and after that was pure silence. My fate was sealed, and I was officially stuck here for a very long time. How long, I wasn't sure.

"Now taking the late hour in consideration," He began speaking, holding eye contact with me as he did so. "I could show you your room and give you a tour tomorrow, or have someone else do it if you'd like. You must be tired, if you would like to rest now that is fine." 

I wasn't tired. Mentally yes, but I knew I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried. However I was in no mood to tour this place so I gave another nod. "I'd like to go to my room." I replied somewhat quietly.

The blond nodded. "However, before I show you to your room I have just a few questions." He motioned to sit back on the couch Petra and I had previously been seated on.

I mentally sighed, and I'm sure a sour expression had taken to my features by now. So many fucking questions in this place, can't it wait till my mind even fully comes to terms with the situation at hand? I was aware that I was still in slight denial, I still hoped I was dreaming. But I also knew how foolish it was to think such a thing.

And as soon as I took my seat, the questions began once more.  
"Now I've read over your reasoning of being here, and let me start by saying I don't think your a cold killer, like some others here. You say that the whole thing was an accident?"

A small glint of hope rushed through me, I wasn't sure exactly why, but it was there. "Yes, it was. Are you saying that you believe me?" I questioned, praying that maybe if he believed me, I wouldn't be doomed to stay here forever.

"Yes and no," He said, sitting back a bit and crossing his legs. "I do believe that you believe it was an accident."

Just as I thought, he thinks i'm crazy, just like everyone else and I was extremely frustrated with how everyone thought so. My finger slipped, and that's all there is to it. I had no true blood lust behind it and my intentions weren't to kill him, it was to save my family. Sure, dad was a monster and deserved to die before he caused anymore damage, but I never plotted to kill him nor did I intend to, I was almost 100% sure of that much. I sighed.

"Your circumstances of being here are far less than our other criminally charged patients, much so that I nearly decided on putting you in a normal room with less security as our criminal housing. However I decided against it but from what I have read and seen, you posses a fair amount of sanity."

I didn't know if I was suppose to reply when he paused. Of course I possess my sanity what the fuck kind of question was that? I know whats going on and I understand why i'm here. I am sane for the most part, just admittedly a bit troubled.  
He continued after a few moments.

"Would you mind telling me a bit of your life before this incident, how was your social life?"

I cringed slightly upon thinking about Armin again, being hit with a sudden wave of guilt and the urge to cry once more. I forced the pain down again and willed myself to speak.  
"Well.. Um, I'm not really good at making a lot of friends but I did have my sister and my best friend Armin.. they were really the only friends I had so..." I trailed off, figuring that was a good enough answer and it wouldn't get any better if I kept talking.

Erwin nodded slightly. "I see, and you socialize well with your sister and friend?" He asked, I could feel his piercing gaze on me and I couldn't stand it. I was never one for eye contact and this guy obviously felt it necessary

I gave a simple nod, keeping my eyes forward in favor of not looking him in the eyes.

"Would you call yourself 'friendly' in a social situation with another person you had just met?"

Would I call myself friendly? No, though I wouldn't really know that much for sure since I do everything in my power to avoid meeting new people in fear of them hating me. I knew they would anyways, but i'd rather them hate me for no reason than to hate me for who I am, so I avoided getting to know anyone. But still, I gave another nod in favor of seeming normal.

I could see that charming smile form across the mans lips once more from the corner of my eyes. "That's wonderful! Then I have a favor to ask of you."

This time I glanced over, curious to see what he could posibally want from a criminal patent of his. "What is it?" I asked, not being able to help the slight tracks of nervousness in my tone.

"Well you see," He began. "Your room mate I have assigned you isn't exactly one of the most liked people here. Not that he's a bad guy, I believe he simply doesn't do well in social situations and has a bit of an attitude problem. When I assign people to a room, I try to put them with a person I know they'd get along with. Friendship is an important step in the healing process."

I wanted to punch him in the face for that last part. I don't know exactly why, but it irritated me more than it should have. But I stayed silent and let him go on.

"Not many people give him a chance, and he rejects the people who do. So they simply give up on him, i'm worried about what this does to his mental state. So what I ask of you is to try to make nice with him. You are not well, but that doesn't mean your incapable of compassion. That is my proposal, what do you say?"

I liked that he talked to me as if I was normal, he didn't treat me much differently than someone would treat a normal person. I wasn't so sure of what I was agreeing too, but its not like I had much of a choice. He was my assigned room mate already, so I might as well humor Erwin's request to be nice to him. I wasn't sure just how bad this guys attitude was, but apparently bad enough to make everyone dislike him.

But I agreed none the less. "I guess I could talk to him.."

His expression lit up and that smile was on his face once more, he sort of reminded me of Petra, just less peppy. He was more sophisticated and she simply seemed blindly happy.

"I'm glad to hear it! That's pretty much all for now, I'm sure you are very tired so if you'll follow me I can show you to your room." He said, getting to his feet and motioning for me to do the same. It wasn't until I too stood up that I actually realized how tall he was. I wasn't exactly short, in fact I was taller than most kids at school. But this guy was insanely tall and it'd be intimidating if it weren't for his lighthearted attitude.

I followed closely behind him as he lead me across the room to another pair of double doors. It was then I noticed how his posture was ridiculously perfect, he walked with his back straight and his arms at his side, it almost reminded me of some sort of strict military officer. He stopped to pull a card similar to Petra's from his pocket and scanned it. A buzz alerted that the doors were now accessible, so he pushed the heavy door open.

Inside the double doors was a long hallway, doors all the way down on either side. They doors were metal and looked quite heavy. I noticed on the left side all the doors had less locks, but the doors on the right had several locks that were surely only accessible on the outside. This had to be what he meant when he said criminals have higher security rooms.

He stopped walking maybe ten doors down, turning to look down at me and this time I really had no choice but to make eye contact. "This is it, I can't assure that he will be awake but if he is be cautious with what you say. Try your best to befriend him."  
He said as be began undoing the many complex looking locks. "Oh, and thank you for agreeing, Eren." He gave another charming smile.

I nodded, not really having the mental energy to speak to him anymore. His happiness got on my nerves, though I knew it really shouldn't. But isn't it normal to be envious of what ones self does not possess?

The heavy door was soon pried open and Erwin stepped aside to let me in. I spared no look back as I heard the eerie slam of metal shutting heavily behind me followed by various locks clicking into place. I sighed lightly and looked over to see another man sitting on one bed, glaring at me. I jumped slightly, assuming this room mate of mine would be asleep already.

I took a moment to examine his features, He had black hair, an undercut from what I could see. His eyes were narrow, dark bags settled obviously underneath them. I thought his eyes were blue, but I couldn't quite tell for sure from where I stood and also since the only source of light was a dim lamp on his bedside table. His eyebrows were thin and set in a furrow that made him seem angry, his narrow eyes and mouth set in a permanent line didn't help.

We both just stared at each other for a bit, I didn't really know what to say. He was intimidating and I found myself slightly frightened by him. Erwin had failed to tell me just what he was in here for, so for all I know this man could be a mass murderer.

"So are you just going to stand there like a fucking idiot and stare at me all day?" He spoke, his voice was harsh and I decided it fit his demeanor quite well. Erwin really wasn't kidding when he said this guy had an attitude problem, I didn't even know his name and he was already insulting me. Maybe this is why he had no friends. But I was really in no position to talk about friends.

I swallowed the small lump in my throat that I wasn't even aware formed and stepped forward. assuming the bed across the room was mine. The only things in the room were two beds and two bed side tables, each with a lamp on it. His lamp was the only one on, though. I noticed there was a large bag sitting on top of my bed.

"So.. um, whats your name?" I asked, ignoring his snide comment and deciding to try an be nice as Erwin asked of me. Though I already knew it was going to be a hard task that I wasn't sure I could carry out.

He simply scoffed. "Why should I tell you?"

I gritted my teeth, I was already forming an opinion of him. And I didn't like him. He's lucky Erwin warned me of his foul attitude or i'd surely fought him as soon as his first sentence came out. Though that would do me no good at all, he was a criminal and for all I knew he could have the mind to kill me. I definitely wouldn't doubt that much.

"Well I just thought if we're going to be room mates I should at least know your name." I replied as I unzipped the bag, trying to keep the irritation from my tone. I found that the bag held all my clothes. I was still immensely glad that this place permitted casual clothes.

"It's Levi." He said, not bothering one bit to keep the annoyance from his tone.

I turned around and gave an attempted fake smile. "I'm Eren, nice to meet you." I said, reaching my hand out to shake his.  
He turned to look at me with an expression of disgust, glaring at me with cold eyes that I realized were in fact blue now that I was close enough to see.

"Don't touch me. Don't even talk to me. I know Erwin put you up to this because he does that with every fucking room mate I get." He narrowed his eyes at me before looking away.

And now I see why no one likes him. He's rude beyond belief and I nearly decided on giving up talking to him for now. I needed rest anyways. I dropped my arm back to my side and turned around with a sigh. "And what if he didn't, and I was just being genuinely nice?" I questioned, curious to see what exactly he would have to say to that.

He was silent for a while, I took the time to clear my bed of the large bag and place it on the floor next to it, sitting back against the headboard. He finally spoke up. "Perhaps you don't understand. Everyone who comes in here is fucking crazy and most are not capable of being genuinely nice. Everyone is told to be nice and that's all there is to it. Now shut up I don't feel like talking to you anymore."

I sent a glare over at him, clenching my fist and forcing every word that nearly left my tongue back down. He rolled his eyes and looked away from me once more. I scoffed and laid down, pulling the covers over my body and turning my back to him. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore my hostile room mates presence and focus on everything that happened recently. 

I replayed the night I killed dad in my head, not being able to keep that image out of my mind. I could still see moms shocked, horrified expression as she saw her own son shoot her husband. Dads lifeless form was burned into my brain, I remember so clearly how he stared blankly at the ceiling, his mouth hanging slightly open as blood rushed out from the corners and onto the white floor. I remembered all the blood and how the crimson contrasted the pure white tile. I remembered how my own blood poured from the deep gashed on my wrist and mixed with dads blood.

These horrible images were enough to bring on the burning sensation that indicated I was about to cry. This had happened several times today, but this time I let go. I couldn't hold back the tears that begged to flow out any longer, and now that I was to myself (Other than Levi, who I assumed wouldn't really care), I had no point to hold back.

I began to think about Armin and how upset he would be when he found out I was locked up here. He would be so sad, so disappointed, and I don't even want to know what his reaction will be when he finds out I killed my father. And then I thought of the one person that failed to cross my mind, Mikasa.

My sister had to have heard the gun shot. It was impossible she hadn't. So that means at some point she had to come out of her room and see her father laying dead on the floor and her brother laying beside him with slit wrist, blood pooling horridly around the both of us. Her petrified face burned itself into my mind, and I could practically hear her terrified screams.

My hand flew up to cover my mouth, my sobs growing more violent and I had to force myself to stay quiet. Tears had been flowing down my face rapidly now, but I doubted Levi noticed. And if he had, he didn't say anything. Not that I expected him to care even if he heard me crying.

I had no idea how long I laid there and cried, there was no source of time in this place. All I know is I managed to cry myself dry, I still sobbed but no tears came out at this point. I took deep breathes to even my breathing before laying on my back. I dared to spare a glance over to Levi, I half expected him to shout at me for simply looking at him. However he seemed to be zoned out, he was staring at the wall in front of him, not moving at all. His knees were pulled up to his chest and a slightly sorrowful expression had settled on his features.

I had no idea who he was or what he'd been through, but whatever it was definitely scared him, I could tell by his face at the moment. I couldn't help but wonder exactly what was going through his mind, maybe he was reflecting on his demons just as I had been. If he was, he was sure good at hiding his pain. The only tell that he was upset was the slight expression change that most people would miss.

I eventually tore my eyes away before he came back to reality and caught be staring. With a light sigh I closed my eyes, I knew I wouldn't get much if any at all sleep but it was worth a shot. My mind was tired, but sadly my body disagreed since I had been asleep in the infirmary for god knows how long. However after forever of tossing and turning, I managed to slip into a restless slumber plagued with nightmares.

\---

I awoke to the harsh sound of the metal door creaking open, soon accompanied by an unknown male voice. "Wake up, Rise and shine!" Came the booming voice, I jumped slightly as the door suddenly slammed shut. I vaguely remembered not hearing any locks in my half conscious state. I sat up, rubbing my eyes that burned with lack of sleep, and it didn't help that I'd cried them dry last night.

What time was it even? They should really keep clocks in this place. I sat up in bed and looked around. Levis lamp was still on, It was still the only source of light and it was just then that I noticed there were no windows in this room either. I let my eyes travel over to Levi's bed, only to find he was in the same position he'd been in before I fell asleep. It seemed as if he hadn't moved and inch and it occurred to me that maybe he was an insomniac.

"Good morning." I tried.

"Fuck off."

Well he was definitely aware of reality now. The irate expression was etched back onto his features and his eyes held that cold nature once more.

"Can you stop being hostile long enough to tell me exactly what i'm suppose to do in the mornings?" I questioned, throwing the covers off my body and looking over to him.

He let out an exasperated sigh and stood up. "First of all you should put all your shit in that dresser." He pointed to the plain wood dresser with three drawers that was in front of my bed, identical to the one in front of his. "Get dressed, then we have to go to the cafeteria for breakfast." He said as he walked over to his own dresser.

I just nodded and got to my feet, picking up the bag i'd set by my bed last night and carrying it over to the dresser in front of the bed. I briefly glanced over to see Levi had his back turned to be, removing his shirt. I tried not to stare for too long but I couldn't help it, I watched the muscles in his back shift as he pulled his long sleeve shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor next to him. I tore my eyes away quickly, though I could have sworn I caught sight of faint pink and white lines marring the pale flesh of his arms. I didn't give much thought to it at the moment, but I did feel a subtle pang of sympathy in my gut.

I turned back around and went about my own business once again, unzipping the bag and throwing my clothes carelessly into the fairly small drawers, waiting till one was filled before moving to the next. Organizing my shirts, pants, and other garments never crossed my mind, I really was never one for being neat. Even my drawers at home resembled this.

"Oi, do you have no fucking sense of organization?" Came Levi's sharp voice from behind me and I could feel his eyes boring into me. I glanced over my shoulder to see he'd already gotten changed into a new outfit, A black long sleeve shirt that seemed to be a few sized too big for him and dark grey sweat pants, not much different from the outfit he had previously had on.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Does it matter?" I replied simply, continuing to toss my clothes carelessly into the drawers. I kept out my dark green light weight hoodie and a pair of black jeans that I intended to wear.

He didn't reply, I didn't really expect him to. He just stood there with his indifferent expression, running his fingers through his hair to fix it a bit. I assumed they didn't permit hair brushes. Finally, I shut the final drawer once all the bags content was emptied. I was hesitant to strip in front of another person, self conscious of my arms and body in general. But with one look back I realized Levi wasn't paying attention at all, just sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands in his lap staring blankly at the wall.

It briefly crossed my mind that he seemed to zone out a lot, but the thought dissolved as soon at it materialized. I hooked my fingers on the bottom of my red hoodie and pulled it up over my head. I had never really noticed how cold they kept it here, I never payed proper attention till now. But when my sun kissed flash was bared to the cool air, I couldn't help but notice as the cold pricked at my skin, rising small goosebumps all across my upper body.

I quickly replaced my previous hoodie with the new one, regretting picking such a light material now that I was aware of the temperature, but not having the energy or will to find a heaver one. So I stuck with my first choice and pulled the fabric over my head. I was slightly more hesitant to change my pants, but I sucked up my self consciousness and told myself he wasn't paying attention, and even if he was I shouldn't care what he though. But I did either way.

Once I was dressed I mimicked Levi's earlier actions and brushed my bedhead out with my slender fingers until I was satisfied with my work. I turned to find that Levi was still staring emotionlessly forward. It was slightly concerning and a bit scary, he seemed distant from reality and I hesitated to say anything.

"Levi..?" I called out loud enough so he could hear my clearly, I couldn't help the slight concern that took over my featured as I snapped him back to reality.

He jumped slightly and suddenly all awareness was back in his eyes, he glared over at me with his usual scowl. "What." His tone was harsh, but I've gotten fairly use to that by now.

"Well.. um, yo-"

"Lets go. If were late for breakfast they'll punish us." He stood up quickly and walked past me without sparing a glance anywhere but forward. He flung the metal door open and walked out, I could feel a wave of tension as he walked past me and out the door. Wait, what does he mean by 'punish'? I really didn't want to find out, I've heard cruel stories about mental hospitals and their punishments, so I hurriedly sprinted out the door after him; pushing the door shut behind me.

I trailed closely behind him, I wasn't exactly sure where to go so I had pretty much no choice but to follow him. He remained silent and the air around us felt thick. I could sense his bad mood, it radiated off of him and clung to the air. I figured it was best to keep my mouth shut, not daring to upset him further since it seemed I was the cause of his worse than normal mood.

I ended up following him down the hall, the opposite direction that Erwin lead me last night. on the other end of the hall were a familiar pair of double doors, though I haven't been through these. There was no lock on these, so Levi simply shoved them open and walked inside, not bothering to even acknowledge that I was behind him. I sighed once more at his lack of courtesy and caught the door before it slammed in my face.

As I stepped into the new room I took my time looking around, examining my new surroundings. The walls were white, just as every other rooms walls had been so far and I came to the conclusion that all the walls in this building were white. There were round tables scattered at random around the room, towards the back wall was a bar with food spread across it all the way down, giving the patents the liberty to choose what they wanted. Guards in uniform were posted by the doors we had walked through.

Most of the tables were already occupied by many unfamiliar faces, it reminded me a bit of school. I knew absolutely nobody here besides Levi, and it was scary. Especially after taking the fact that all these people are here for a damn good reason into consideration. I stuck to the method of simply following behind Levi since I was still unsure of what exactly to do.

He walked to the serving area, continuing to ignore my presence behind him. I mimicked each of his actions, grabbing a bowel after him, pouring cereal into it, pouring milk, and getting a spoon. This was a pretty shitty breakfast for a mental institution, then again I wasn't sure what I was expecting they would serve in the first place.

"They serve breakfast and dinner here, I suggest you eat every time, even if your not hungry." His tone was quiet and seemingly labored, as if being helpful was a task for him. 

I nodded and once again followed closely behind him as he began walking to a table. I knew no one here but him, and i'll be damned if I choose to sit at a table of people I don't know at all. I didn't know Levi all that well at all but I still plan on clinging to him until I make at least one friend here. That is if I make any at all.

There were conveniently two empty chairs at the table he chose to sit at, I of course took the seat next to him and looked around at the people here. There were four other people, A girl with glasses and brunette hair tied back in a pony tail, another brunette girl with a similar hair style, a boy with a buzz cut that appeared to be younger than me was seated next to her, and next to him was a boy with black hair and what seemed to be freckles. He stood out from them, he seemed as if he didn't belong here, he radiated kindness just by looking at him once. But I kept in mind that looks can be deceiving.

 

Everyone simply stared at me for what seemed like forever, I felt uncomfortable, as if they were judging everything about me. But finally, the girl with glasses spoke.

"Ooh Levi you brought a new kid! Whats his name?" Her voice was exited, a bit too exited. Her happiness was so overwhelming to the point where it was creepy. She grinned ear to ear like a mad man and leaned across the table as she spoke, looking directly at me.

Levi scoffed, and I knew he had nothing to say. So I spoke up. "Hi.. um, my name is Eren.." I wasn't aware how quietly I was speaking till the sentence was already out, it was really awkward and scary socializing with people I don't know. I just wanted to run back to my room and stay there where I won't have to talk to people.

"Eren huh? Nice to meet you! My names Hanji!" Came her booming and eerily happy voice. "So Eren, what 'er you in here for?"

I pursed my lips shut, not really expecting the question as it came. And for it to be asked so eagerly, I felt more uncomfortable than before and the urge to retreat to my room was becoming stronger. I stayed silent, keeping my eyes down at the bowl in front of me.

"Uh.. Hanji maybe you shouldn't ask him that. He just got here, give him some time." An unknown voice spoke up after a while of my silence, and I was quite honestly relieved. It was a feminine voice, kind and gentle. I glanced up to find that it was the brunette girl sitting next to her. I could tell she was quiet and kept to her self just by looking at her, and I decided she was my favorite person in the room at the moment.

I threaded my fingers together in my lap and fixed my gaze downward once more, giving a quiet 'thank you' to her as I played mindlessly with my fingers. Everything fell silent after that and I felt the sudden urge to cry. It felt as if all eyes were on me, judging me, I couldn't take it. I never really noticed how much I hated being around people until I was forced into a situation that calls for socialization.

"Well um, I'm Sasha. Its nice to meet you, Eren." She broke the silence, I looked over to her. It seemed almost as if she was mirroring my actions, looking down to her lap, avoiding eye contact with anyone. Yep, Shes definitely my favorite.

"I'm Connie." Came another voice, it was the kid next to Sasha with the buzz cut. The name somehow suited him.

"And I'm Marco." Said the last unintroduced person, he seemed to be the happiest of everyone at the table, he smiled at me as he spoke in a kind tone, and I stuck with my conclusion from earlier. Looks can in fact be very deceiving, It was easy to forget that he was in here for a reason.

I forced a small smile and gave a nod, acknowledging everyone's introductions. I had nothing left to say and luckily after that they went to chatting among themselves. I breathed a mental sigh of relief and figured I should get to eating before my cereal gets soggy, keeping in mind what Levi had said earlier about eating at every meal.

It was just as I reached for my spoon that I felt a presence behind me, hovering over me where I sat. "Your in my fucking seat get up."

I looked behind me to see who exactly had spoke and if they were talking to me. And yes, he was in fact talking to me. He was staring directly down at me, and he seemed to be a little too upset over a fucking chair. His face pisses me off, the structure reminds me of a horse and I can instantly tell i'm going to hate him. I got the sudden urge to punch him in the gut and I wasn't sure why. "Well excuse me, I didn't fucking know you owned the seat."

"Are you talking back to me you little shit?"

I could literally feel my face growing hotter as my temper began to slip away. It was uncalled for to get so upset over a seat. I stood up only to find he was slightly taller than me, oh well I was already committed. I straightened up to appear as tall as possible to match his height. "What if I am?"

He bared his teeth and narrowed his eyes, a slight growl escaping him and I felt the front of my shirt being yanked up.

"Jean!" Marco called out, seeming to instantly appear at his side. "That's enough! Here, just pull up another chair." He said, pulling the man away from me and it took all my self control not to punch him in the face.

However my temper defied what control I had left and brought me forward towards him. But to my displeasure, just as I started towards him I felt a pressure at the bottom of my hoodie pulling me back. I looked down to see who the hell dared to hold me back at a time like this, though I wasn't sure how to feel when I saw that it was none other than Levis fingers hooked into the fabric on my hoodie, looking up at me with those icy blue eyes. His features seemed to be softer than usual, though that may just be my imagination.

"Eren, sit the fuck down. He has temper issues, its not worth it." And who the hell was he to talk to me about temper issues? But I wasn't about to disobey him, I actually found it nice that he cared enough to object, even if it was in his own ill mannered way. 

"Whatever." I scoffed, sparing another venomous glare towards Jean before talking my seat once more next to Levi. I huffed and rested my chin in my palm, my cereal was definitely soggy and disgusting by now and my loss of temper took away my appetite too. But keeping what Levi said in mind, I forced myself to finish three fourths of the bowl, figuring that would be good enough.

The rest of breakfast was spent with pure silence on mine and Levis part, everyone else talking among themselves while we sat quietly eating our food. Every now and again i'd glance over to Jean, who was now in an extra chair next to Marco, and we'd engage in an aggressive heated staring contest until either Marco called his attention back to the group or Levi would elbow me in the ribs. Quite hard, might I add.

As soon as breakfast ended, Levi was the first to get up and leave. I of course scrambled up and followed behind him since I still knew no one in this place besides him. Sure I met a few people but I did not know then nearly well enough to cling to them. Not that I knew Levi all to well either, but I did tell Erwin i'd try to be his friend. His hostility made it hard, but I was actually intrigued by him. I feel as if he has the potential to be nice and I wanted to bring it out, but I still haven't decided if it was worth the effort.

Once he realized I was following directly behind him, he sighed with overly dramatic exasperation and turned around. "Don't you have something better to do than bother me?"

"No. I don't know anyone here. Why are you so hostile?" I asked honestly, not really thinking of the question before it flew out of my mouth. I had the bad habit of not thinking before I spoke, and it tends to get me in trouble.

"You don't even know me, go make friends."

"Your my room mate, and you avoided the question."

"Don't ask questions that you won't get an answer to." 

I sighed and he turned around to continue walking down the long hall with doors on either side. I assumed we all had to go to that large room that I spoke with Erwin in last night. We were both silent the whole walk there, and I noticed when we entered the large recreation room that we were the only ones there. No guards, and no patients yet.

He walked over to the large sofa that had the t.v in front of it and turned the t.v on, seating himself on the cream colored piece of furniture and staring at the television. I sat as far as I could from him, his mood seemed to switch from when we were at breakfast. It was a slight change that no one would normally notice, but I saw it. He seemed ever so slightly more sociable and dare I say, more friendly in the cafetiere, now he seemed to be in a foul mood all the way around and I hesitated to even sit near him, let alone speak.

He sat with his knees drawn up to his chin, his arms wrapped around his legs. I avoided looking in his particular direction, instead focusing on watching all the other patients come through the door and gradually fill the room. I noticed some of the patients looked truly insane, they looked scary. That's what reminded me just where I was and I felt panic rising from the pit of my stomach.

I glanced over to Levi, I needed some form of a distraction. I don't care if its just having Levi yell at me and tell me to be quiet. I needed something to take my mind away from the dark place it was heading, to keep the tears out of my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass myself by crying in front of everyone here on my first day.

Though he seemed to not be paying attention. Not just to me, but to anything. He was looking at the t.v, but he wasn't really watching it. He had that far away look in his eyes again and I began to conclude that this had to be a part of his illness. He did it too often and I wanted to know just what he was thinking about for so long. Whatever it was, I could tell it definitely pained him by the subtle change of expression on his face that was slightly more noticeable than it had been earlier.

I may be very anti social and hate nearly everyone, but I wasn't heartless. In fact I was quite the opposite. If I see someone in pain, be it physically or mentally, I want to help in any way I can. Even if the person in pain is someone as cold as Levi, who I knew would almost definitely deny my attempts to help, but it was worth a shot.

"Are you okay?" I questioned a bit quietly once I forced up the courage to open my mouth. His eyes became aware once more and his face hardened back into a scowl. His head whipped over to my direction and he gave me a glare.

"I am just fucking fine, why do you keep asking. Stop pretending to care and leave me alone." He growled and drew himself even further away from me.

"Well what if i'm not pretending Levi? How do you expect people to talk to you if you keep pushing them away?"

"I never asked for people to talk to me nor do I want them too. I don't want to make friends, now why don't you get up and go make yourself some friends because i'm not going to be one of them." He stated bluntly, looking me dead in the eyes as he spoke.

Honestly, I felt hurt by his words. I'm not sure why, but I was. I could feel tears burning as the formed at the brim of my eyes, and I decided that I was done trying to talk to him. If he doesn't want people to like him, then I won't try to help. I can now understand why no one likes him and why the administrator has to tell people to talk to him.

I stood up and began walking away without a single word or so much as a look back at him. If he wants to be alone then fine, i'll leave him alone. But now I had a new trouble, just where was I suppose to go? I don't know anyone and I'm sure as hell not about to go talk to people. I glanced around the room, there was quite a number of patients here, but I was extremely glad to spot another sofa on the other side of the room with no one occupying it or anywhere around it.

I decided I would stay there for however long until we get out of this room. I settled in the corner and pulled my legs up to my chest, similarly to how Levi had done. I rested my arms on top of my knees and buried my face, ignoring the world and allowing myself to drown in my own pitiful thoughts now that I had nothing to distract me.

There was no way to tell just how long I sat there and thought. I thought long and hard about how terrible of a human being I was, if I could even be called that at this point. I thought of how I didn't deserve to be breathing, of how if only the paramedics had gotten to me a bit later, I would have lost too much blood and then I'd be welcomed by the sweet bliss of death. I thought of the night dad died, I thought of my mothers mortified face and fathers lifeless one accompanied by the blood leaking from his mouth in a steady stream. 

These images tortured my broken mind and made my heart ache, I had forgotten exactly where I was since I was so absorbed in my sulking. Though a sharp voice shook me from my horrid thoughts and startled me slightly. "Hiya, Eren!~"

I jumped and looked up to see who had said my name. I drew further into myself as I realized it was the girl who had been sitting with us at breakfast. I faintly recalled her name being Hanji. I didn't bother to wipe away the tears that had apparently been flowing down my face as I somewhat glared up at her.

"Hi." I replied emotionlessly, I was in no mood to talk to anyone and I wanted to be left alone.

"So we couldn't help but notice how lonely you looked sitting over here all by yourself, so why don't you come sit with us?" She asked, that eerie over happiness still clung to her tone. I assumed by 'us' she meant the group that bad been at the breakfast table.

"Um, no th-" I began to reject her offer, only to be cut off by the feeling of her surprisingly strong grip on my frail arm, pulling me up from my seat. 

"C'mon, you can't just sit here!" She said as she pulled me across the room. I stumbled once I was on my feet and nearly fell, I did not want to make friends with those people but I felt too weak to fight back and frankly I didn't care enough to at this point.

She dragged me till me were in front of a rectangular table, the familiar faces from breakfast all seated in chairs across from each other and looking up at me. They all gave me a greeting, aside from of Sasha and of course Jean. There were many empty chairs next to almost everyone since they sat with spaces between them, and I chose to sit next to Sasha. She was the only person I've met so far that I thought I could tolerate.

I stayed silent, I made no effort to speak to anyone. I only spoke when spoken too, and the replies I did give were as short as I could keep them. They all played lame bored games and chatted among themselves, I made no attempt to join. I still had no interest to befriend anyone, I was still in a dark state of mind, despite the fact that people were trying to help me. That was another one of my problems, I always tried to help others the best I could, but I never let others help me.

Time passed so slowly, I had no idea what time it was and I hated that there were no clocks in here. It took away all sense of time and it was quite honestly a bit scary. The only way to tell how late it was, was the windows with bars lining the very top of the room. And I could tell night was beginning to fall as the night flowing in grew dimmer and dimmer.

After what seemed like forever, the cafeteria doors opened and a man announced that it was time for dinner and everyone began to migrate to the other room. Everyone at our table stood and Hanji gestured for me to do the same.

I stood to my feet and followed behind everyone else, keeping a fair distance so I wasn't walking next to particularly anyone. Though I did plan on sitting with them again since it was better than sitting with complete strangers, but this time I wouldn't choose the seat next to Levi. Though with all the time that has passed, I had shifted into a slightly better mood since then.

I soon found myself putting various items on my plate along side a line of other patients and taking it back to where the others were sitting, I was sure to get the very least that I could get away with. I was the last to arrive at the almost fully occupied table. There were two chairs, one between Marco and Sasha, and one next to Levi who sat as spaced out from everyone as possible. Of course I wasn't about to sit next to him, so I chose the set between Marco and Sasha.

I took my seat, intending fully to stay quiet as always. Levi was staring blankly at his food, poking at it with his fork with his cheek resting in his palm. I adverted my gaze away from him in favor of mimicking his actions. Judging by the near non existent light coming in through the barred windows, it was close to lights out. I dreaded that, to be honest. I didn't want to room with Levi, his display earlier made it painfully apparent that he doesn't want friends. And I was all out of good will to spare so I wouldn't even bother anymore.

I briefly entertained the idea to request a different room mate since that would be in both mine and Levi's best interest, but that would require talking to people and that's something I want to avoid. So I decided to stick with being ignored by my current room mate for the time being. Maybe if I saw Erwin around I'd ask him.

At dinner, there were attempts made to talk to me but I kept everything I replied with as short as possible because I was still not open to the idea of making friends in a place like this. Though they seemed nice enough, I still couldn't have any way of knowing why they were here. That combined with my horrid social skills assured my unease towards making friends.

Despite how I rejected attempts to socialize at dinner, I was reluctant to leave when it was announced time to go back to our rooms. We were lead similarly to cattle through the double doors and into the open doors to our rooms. Surprisingly I was the only one in our room for quite a few moments before Levi stepped in to unfortunately accompany me. Though a petite blond nurse holding a platter followed in after him. She had sparkling blue eyes and golden medium length hair, a pale and smooth innocent face and a short stature. 

"Your med's." She said in a sweet and gentle tone that matched her features perfectly. She held the platter forward so that I could see its contents, it held small white paper cups that I've usually only seen condiments held it, though these held two pills. One blue, one white.

Levi pushed past me and stanched a cup before retreating back to his bed wordlessly. I sighed quietly and reluctantly took one, more carefully that he had might I add. The nurse gave me a soft smile before taking her leave. The door slammed heavily behind her, the sound of many locks assembling into place soon sounded and sent a chill down my spine.

The only light in the room was Levis bedside lamp, just as it had been since I arrived. I never really bothered to turn my own on. I shuffled over to my bed and sat crisscross against the headboard, staring down at the pills in the cup. I had no idea what they did and all the other cups contained the same pills. I really had nothing to lose, so what the hell. I raised the small cup to my lips and prepared to dry swallow them.

"Don't take those." The indifferent familiar voice rang out from not too far beside me. I glanced over to him briefly, then back to the pills.

"Why not, what do they do?" I questioned, though not really interested in my own question. I just wanted to hurry up and go through my nightly routine of laying down, over thinking, crying, and finally falling into a nightmare riddled slumber.

Levi got down on his hands and knees, slipping his arm under his bed and seemingly digging around for something. "They fuck with your brain, they are trying to force potentially harmful medication into your system to fix something that's not broken. Just trust me, don't take them." He sat back on his knees and pushed himself to his feet, when he turned around I could see that he'd retrieved a large pillowcase from under his bed, it seemed to be weighed down slightly. "Here, put 'em in here."

He held open the pillowcase in front of me, I leaned over to see that it held countless pills and paper cups like the one I held in my own hands. He discarded the cup he held at the moment into the sack and held it out to me to do the same. I figured I should trust him on it since he seemed to have been here much longer than me judging by the sheer amount of pills accumulated in the pillowcase, so I dropped them along with the cup into the sack.

He stepped back and twisted the pillowcase shut, bending down to roll it far back beneath his bed. I turned my focus to the wall in front of me as he settled himself in his own bed. Despite this brief interaction, I still stuck to my plan of ignoring him just as he does to me. I laid back on my bed and slipped myself under the thin covers, holding them as close as possible. It was cold in here, and I noticed that for some reason they only kept it so cold in the rooms.

I closed my eyes, letting the same horrid thoughts and images flow through my mind that had been invading since I got here. I played the nights events over and over again in my head and it wasn't long till I felt tears pricking at my closed eyes. They quickly began flowing past my lids and down the side of my face. I turned to my side, facing away from Levi and clamped my hand over my mouth to keep from making any noise as I began sobbing as quietly as possible.

I ran through the same routine, I cried and cried till I could no longer and my eyes were dry. Then I focused on getting at least a little sleep. After what seemed like forever I finally slipped into slumber, and not a peaceful one. The same nightmare plagued my dreams as it had last night. I was getting no true rest tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the deal with the characters mental illnesses since I can better justify the personality's with it being out there,  
> Levi: Bipolar disorder, depression, criminal insanity (Though I can't tell his crime for the sake of the plot.)  
> Hanji: Criminal insanity, shes just legit crazy. I imagine her charges being slaughtering people for science.  
> Marco: Multiple personality disorder, (He is nice most of the time but when his personality switches he has massive fits of rage)  
> Jean: Schizophrenia, Bipolar disorder  
> Sasha: Depression, anxiety, attempted suicide  
> Connie: Depression, attempted suicide  
> So ya that's the deal with that. I hope you enjoyed! Comment if you did and would like me to continue! Positive reviews make my day and encourage me to keep writing~ ^-^


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends, I bring you the latest chapter of my fic! Things actually happen with our gay babies in this one, so that's something. Oh, and tw for some suicidal talk in different parts of the fic. Though considering the dark theme, it can't really be avoided. But just please, read on with caution!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had fun writing it! Also, please tell me if you spot any spelling or grammar errors. Enjoy~

Somewhere in my subconscious, I knew I was dreaming. But everything seemed so real. So horrifically real. It was as if I was reliving that terrible night again and I couldn't pull myself out of this nightmare. I saw my dad pointing the pistol at mom, he was screaming something in her face but it sounded far away and muffled. Next thing I knew, the gun was in my hand and I could practically feel the warmth of blood splattering across my face all over again.

Moms screaming filled my ears, her expression was burned into my mind forever. There was a look of true terror in her eyes and I've never seen my mother so horrified. I couldn't move my own body, I was frozen in place, forced to watch as my mother screamed and cried, yelling out various names dubbing me as a monster. And I knew she was right. She pushed past me and ran as fast as she could to her room, bloody foot prints trailing behind her as she frantically made her way quickly behind her door.

Then I was on the floor, sitting on my knees and staring down at my slit wrists that gushed crimson blood in quick and steady rivers onto the floor, mixing with dads. In reality, everything ended there. But in my dreams the scene kept playing. I could faintly hear moms distressed screaming as she frantically explained what had happened to the police over the phone. My vision was slightly blurry as I raised my head to look in the direction mom had ran off. As my eyes adjusted, I found Mikasa standing in the door way, her face frozen with shock and her body shaking with fear.

"Eren.." Her voice came out uneven and shaky, a steady stream of tears began rushing down her pale porcelain cheeks. "Eren look at what you've done!" She cried in panic, her body shaking more violently as sobs forced themselves past her lips.

"Mikasa.. please.." I reached out to her with a shaky hand, blood pouring out more vigorously at the new position. She jumped back, clamping her smaller hand over her mouth and backing up further, seemingly unsteady on her feet.

"You murderer!" She shouted before turning around quickly to run out of the room and into the door mom had disappeared behind.  
My vision was blurring more and more, I couldn't take sitting up anymore so I let myself collapse limp on my side onto the white tile floor. I was vaguely aware that I was laying in a puddle of dad and my own blood. I tried to at least whisper my sisters name once more, but not even a sound came out. I didn't want her scared of me, I was suppose to protect her damn it! My vision faded to black, I didn't fight to stay awake. I wished to die.

The shrill sound of sirens was the first thing I noticed as a new scene began fading in. My vision was coming back slowly and steadily. The flash of red and blue lights was overwhelming and I winced slightly, not yet use to the overly bright lights. I tried to open my eyes once more, slowly this time. I could see the pitch black night sky, it was littered with small white stars. Far too peaceful of a sight for the situation. I came to the conclusion that the red and blue lights were that of police cars that were also the source of the loud blaring sirens that slowly began fading into simple background noise.

I could now only hear crying, a high pitched feminine cry. The voice was familiar, and when I looked to the side I could clearly see that it was in fact my sister emitting the cries. But she was not alone this time, by her side stood my best friend Armin. He too was crying, he shoulders shook as he stared at my body on the stretcher. I wanted to move, I wanted to talk, but I was unable to move a single muscle. Mikasa took steps closer to me until she was at my side, her tear stained face looking down at me and shattering my heart.

She reached out to touch my face, caressing my cheek in her hand. Her hand was cold, very cold. The sounds of her sobs absolutely broke my heart into a million pieces and all I wanted to so was sit up and hug her as tight as I could. But I couldn't and its very possible that I will never be able to again. She leaned her forehead against my chest and resumed crying as hard as she possibly could. 

"Eren.. Eren why?" Came her broken voice, it came out so quiet I almost couldn't make out just what she had said. She wasn't scared of me as she had been in the house, she was heartbroken. And I understood why. I was her only brother, her best friend, and I took my life. And lets not forget that I took the life of her father too.

Armin came into my line of sight above me, and he was crying just as hard as Mikasa. He reached out to me, running his cold, slender fingers through my surely matted and bloody brunet hair. His face looked so crushed, so broken. I felt the gut wrenching guilt in the pit of my stomach again, I felt terrible for leaving my friends behind. But I still knew there was nothing I could have possibly done to assure a positive outcome in this situation.

"Goodbye.. Eren." He said softly, seeming to look directly into my eyes. I involuntarily blinked, and once I reopened my eyes, my vision blurred slightly. When it came back clearly, Mikasa and Armin were gone.

Everything went dead silent. No sirens, no crying, no nothing. My ears began to ring at the sudden defining silence. I blinked once more, but this time when I opened my eyes, dad was right there standing beside me. His face was covered in blood and there was a hole in his head that gushed more blood from where I had shot him. Though his eyes weren't lifeless, they were fully aware and seething with rage as he looked down at me hatefully.

"Its all your fault Eren!" 

I bolted up in bed, not aware of the fact that I had been screaming until I was conscious for quite a few moments. I was shaking and had broken into cold sweats.

"Eren, hey calm down. It was just a dream." I became aware of the hand placed gently on my shoulder. That voice was familiar. I snapped my head over to see who it had come from, and I was shocked to find Levi sitting on the side of my bed, staring at me with rare concern in his eyes.

"Levi.." I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. My breathing was ragged and images from my nightmare continuously flashed through my mind. I realized that at some point in my brief consciousness I had started crying. I jerked my body away from his hand and backed myself into the corner of the wall, pulling my knees against my chest and burring my face in my hands.

"Are you okay?" Levi questioned after a long while of pure silence, other than my sobs of course. I lifted my head to glare at him, suddenly offended by his concern after he had rejected any from of conversation with me since I got here.

"Why the hell do you care?!" I snapped, looking him directly in the eyes that I could barley see the color of in the dim room.

"Look, i'm not a heartless bastard. What do you expect me to ignore you while you cry and scream your lungs out?" His tone sounded exactly as it always did, uncaring and cold. But there was a slight trace of concern in it, so small that it was almost unnoticeable.

I didn't reply to him, I didn't respond when I felt his hand fall on my shoulder once more. I simply buried my face in my hands again and cried. I didn't want to be in here and there was nothing I desired more than to have died when I slit my wrists. I could feel his hand gently rubbing my shoulder in an act of comfort, he was actually trying to calm me down. I was confused as to why, but I couldn't concern myself with why at the moment.  
I looked up from my hands, taking a moment to sniffle and compose myself before making a sad attempt at speaking.

"I'm sorry for waking you up." It came out broken and shaky, but audible. I didn't know why I was apologizing, I guess I felt I needed to. I was so sorry for everything. I was sorry for leaving my friends, for hurting mom, for killing dad, I was sorry for even being born.

I could see a flash of sympathy in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it came. He sighed lightly. "I don't sleep anyways. Its fine, don't worry about it."

We both stayed silent after that. I didn't have the will to say anything else. I couldn't cry anymore, I simply stared blankly forward. I couldn't really feel anything and nothing in particular was running through my mind. He stayed by my side in silence for quite some time before he got to his feet and went to his own bed, it was then that reality came back to me.

I sighed and moved to lay on my side, facing Levi who was sitting back against the wall. I wanted to cry so badly, it seemed that's all I've done lately, so it was no wonder that there were no tears left to cry. my shoulders shook as if I was sobbing, but no tears came.

"I just want to leave.. I don't want to be here.." I whispered miserably, though it was loud enough to be heard in the dead silent room. A few seconds passed before I heard a bitter laugh escape Levi's lips, I looked at him.

"Well i'm sorry to break it to you, but no one gets out of here."

My heart dropped and I once again wanted to cry upon hearing that. I had hope that they would see that i'm innocent, even though that's a far stretch from the truth. after what seemed like forever of silence, Levi caught on that I had no intention of speaking, so he continued.

"This is the place they dump the mentally ill so that society doesn't have to deal with them. Everyone in here has been here for quite some time. And those pills they give us? The blue one is to wreck our brains so that we can't think properly and and the white one slowly immobilize us so that the staff can worry less about us. Luckily most people here have figured out their little game before it was too late and hide the pills instead of taking them. But look around next time were out, quite a few people have went under the full effect of the pills, they weren't always as crazy as they look now. This place ruined them."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was stuck forever in a place like this? I couldn't take it all in, I refused to accept it. For the moment at least. I was too shocked to reply, so I continued my silence.

"You know what, i'm sorry. I really shouldn't be telling you the harsh reality of this place while your already shaken up enough by whatever happened in the nightmare on yours." He said, I could see that flash of sympathy in his usually cold eyes once again.

I shook my head the best I could and focused on staring at my lamp, it was better than looking at him. It was slightly unsettling to see something other than agitation in his eyes. I still didn't understand why he was showing concern for me all of a sudden. After he acted so hateful towards me, pushing me away countless times. Why would he care when I was upset?

I closed my eyes and sighed once more, my intentions weren't to sleep. I dreaded slumber because with slumber came the torturous nightmares. I hadn't meant to fall back asleep, but I did. Though no nightmares came this time, just restless darkness. Every little sound woke me and I continuously tossed and turned, but of course I would take that over nightmares anytime.

\---

It felt as if i'd slept for less than ten minutes when the rough male voice calling for us to wake up filled my ears. Hell, for all I knew it could have been ten minutes, with no windows and no clocks I had no sense of time. ten minutes sometimes felt like and hour, as an hour sometimes feels like ten minutes. I jumped slightly at the harsh sound of our heavy metal door slamming shut, jerking me into full consciousness

I forced my body into a sitting position and rubbed my burning eyes. They were as dry as bone and stung with lack of sleep when I pressed my palms to my eyelids in a failed attempt to rub away the discomfort, surely they were also red. I glanced over to Levi's bed. As expected, he was sitting against the wall, wide awake. Though heavy bags adorn underneath his eyes. It was then that his comment from last night came to mind, I had been far too upset to pay much attention to his words.

'I don't sleep anyways,' his words rang through my mind. That explains why hes always awake, before I go to sleep and when I wake up hes always sitting up, wide awake. I felt kinda bad for him honestly. To sit in this room for hours on end with nothing to do but stare at the wall, not being able to sleep must make this living hell far worse than it already is.

Then I remembered what he had said about the hospital. It was hard to believe, I wouldn't have guessed that it was so horrid. Erwin seemed so nice, as does Petra and the sweet blond nurse from last night. Then it did occurred to me, weren't nurses supposed to watch the patient take their medicine? Not simply walk away. And since everyone's case isn't the same, shouldn't we have different medication? What Levi said about the purpose of the pills was starting to make much more sense.

I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that I will be trapped her forever. I wanted to pin my hopes on what Levi said being a big lie, some sort of sick joke, but I knew it wasn't likely. What he said makes sense, but I still can't come to terms. Everything happened so fast, one day I was a somewhat normal boy and now i'm trapped in this neglective nut house forever. It was too much.

"Eren, get your ass up and get dressed before we're late." Levi's harsh tone jerked me from my miserable thoughts, I looked over to see that he'd already stood up without my noticing. He was making his way to his dresser, I figured I should do the same.

I got to my feet and walked over to my own individual dresser, roughly pulling the drawer out and rummaging through it till I found my desired outfit. I simple black long sleeve shirt and some sweats. I noticed a lot of my wardrobe was similar, it must have been reduced to to some kind of clothing policy. It mostly consisted of light jeans, hoodies, and sweats. No shoes, only socks. I sighed.

"Do we have the same schedule today as we did yesterday?" I questioned as I pulled my hoodie over my head to replace it with the shirt.

"Of course. Its the same exact thing. Every single day, same routine. breakfast, free time, dinner, sleep. You'll get used to it."  
I felt a sickening lurch in my stomach. Why did that night have to take place? Why after I tried so hard to live a normal life, I land myself in here? Being in a mental hospital is bad enough, but one that doesn't take proper care of the patients? This was horrible. One's worst nightmare.

"Shouldn't we be having some form of therapy to help us get better?" I asked, I didn't mean to look over my shoulder after speaking, but I did out of habit. Luckily he had his back turned to me, but I caught site of his arms at his side. His arms held an array of white and pink slashes scattered at random on each side of both arms, similar to my own. I thought I had seen it yesterday, but now I saw them for sure. I struggled to tear my eyes away.

Meanwhile Levi laughed bitterly at my question. "Didn't you hear what I said last night? They don't fucking care. This place isn't to heal us, they make it seem that way until your locked up. Its truly about simply keeping us away from the normal people, we're a threat to society. Or that's how they see it at least." He said.

"But they can't just do that.."

"Yes they can. Who's gonna save us? Even if authority's come in here to inspect the place, they won't believe a bunch of psychos?"

I finished dressing and turned around, he was now leaned against the dresser, looking in the direction of his bed. "So.. i'm stuck here forever?" I felt sick.

"It's hell, but I mean its not bad as it could be. They don't abuse us or any of that shit, they just don't care. One good thing about it is that they normally don't keep good watch of us, there's usually never guards keeping an eye on us during free time. So we can do anything we could think of, not that there's much really. Sometimes they even let us go outside, but that's very rarely." I could tell he was trying to cushion the harsh reality, it wasn't working.

I also noticed he was in a good mood, he was actually talking to me. So I took the opportunity to ask a question I've been wondering.  
"How long have you been in here?" I asked. He looked over at me, his expression unreadable as always. I couldn't tell if he was upset by the question or not.

"A very long time. Long enough to thoroughly figure out their sick game, that is." His tone didn't sound offended and I sighed a mental sigh of relief that he wasn't upset. I couldn't be too careful with him. While it wasn't the answer I was looking for, I decided to leave it alone since its most likely the best i'll get. If I pry chances are he will get pissed off and stop talking. "Come on, lets get going before they punish us." I pushed himself off from his spot and started towards the door.

There's that punishment thing again, I needed to know what he meant by that. "What do you mean punish?" I asked somewhat quietly, hoping I wasn't reaching my ask limit with him. He glanced back at me.

"They lock you in solitary for 24 hours if they catch you breaking the rules. I had to learn that the hard way, so consider yourself lucky I told you. So watch your fucking step around here." He kept eye contact with me over his shoulder as he spoke. And without giving me any time to respond, he pushed the heavy door open, and to my surprise actually having the courtesy to hold it open. I have a nod of thanks as I stepped out.

We walked to the cafeteria in silence, it wasn't tense or awkward, it was actually quite comfortable. He was in a good mood, I didn't dare ruin it by talking and taking the chance of pissing him off. Maybe he wasn't as big of an ass as i'd thought yesterday.

Once we made it to the cafeteria, it seemed we were the last ones to arrive. Mostly all the tables were full other than the one that we sit at. I trailed closely behind as he made is way to the long serving bar, the only things on the surface being cereal, milk and bowels. Now that I think about it, that is a pretty cheep breakfast. I hadn't questioned it much before, but taking what Levi said about this place in perspective it began to make more sense.

I sighed, noticing that the cereal was also slightly stale as I poured it into the bowl. There was no choices, it was all the same plain cereal and I hoped that it didn't taste as bad as it did when it was soggy. I was able to shake myself from my thoughts once I noticed Levi had already began walking to our table, I quickly rushed to catch up to him.

There were three empty seats, one between Sasha and Marco like last night while the other was next to Levi's seat. Figuring I could make an attempt to befriend Levi once more, I sat in the empty seat next to him. He didn't react to my presence, he simply stared down at his food and kept quiet. I jumped slightly as Hanji greeted me in her usual overly happy voice, followed by Marcos slightly less enthusiastic one and then Sasha's quiet greeting. Connie gave a simple wave.

"So Eren, how was your first day here?" Marco questioned with a smile, Jean scoffed and looked away from Marco, seemingly pouting over him addressing me. Fuckin' jerk, I was still pissed off at Jean for yesterday. His very presence got on my nerves.

But I decided to try to loosen up a bit, if I was going to be here for-fucking-ever I might was well make some friends, or rather actually respond to their attempts to befriend me. "It was fine, I guess..." It came out quieter than I had intended, but I couldn't help it. Its hard for me to talk to new people, I hated it. I hate socializing.

"It's great you enjoyed it here! Say, did Levi tell you yet?" I involuntarily jumped once again at Hanjis enthusiastic tone.

"Tell me what?" I was able to will myself to speak a bit louder this time. She quickly made a sudden move to stand up and leaned across the table and I couldn't help but draw back a bit in shock.

"Y'know, about the hospital's secrets?" She whispered, though it was still somehow eerily happy. Especially for the subject that I instantly understood when she voiced it.

"Oh.. yeah." I said, my voice managing to lower back to its original volume due to her close proximity. She suddenly drew back and sat back down, a huge grin spreading across her face from eat to ear.

"I've been here for 7 years, since I was 18. Wanna know what I did?" She asked with a giggle that could only be described as psychopathic.

"Hanji stop. You are going to fucking scare him." Levi objected, shooting a harsh glare up at her, though that expression of hers never faltered.

"Pshh whatever. Oh! Also i'm surprised you got Levi to talk to you. I'm sure you've figured out what a meaney he is. Hey then do you know what he did to get in here?~" She leaned across the table a bit once more. Honestly I was curious, very curious.

"Hanji! Shut the hell up now!" Levi snapped, crossing his arms and glaring at her venomously. He looked very angry, and this is the scariest I've seen him yet.

Hanji leaned back in her seat and threw her head back, laughing like an absolute maniac and managing to attract the attention of nearly the entire room. Sasha placed a hand on her shoulder and said something, but it was too quiet for me to possibly hear. But she suddenly stopped and looked at Levi with a black expression, though it didn't take long for that smile to make its way back on her face.

And I was officially scared of her. She is actually crazy.

"Oh lighten up Levi~ I wasn't gonna tell him."

Levi didn't respond at all. He didn't look up, he didn't make a sound, he didn't even blink. He just sat there staring down at his bowl, swirling the milk around with his spoon. And I could tell that good mood of his was long gone. Hanji really seemed to upset him, and I didn't blame him. Whatever he did truly scarred him and she made it worse, that much I could tell. Though I was still curious about what he did, and come to think of it also what she did. Or at least what the hell is wrong with her head.

I took my time eating, I wasn't sure exactly how long we had but it seemed like a very long time till the doors opened once more and it was announced we could leave. As usual, Levi was the first to quickly stand up and leave, not waiting a single second to get out of there and of course I followed him. Was it a good idea considering his current mood? No, probably not. But I did it anyways.

He ended up stopping at that same couch from yesterday, turning on the t.v, sitting with his knees drawn to his chest, exactly like yesterday. It was honestly quite sad, he seemed to do the same thing everyday. Oh how lonely it must get. I cautiously took a seat on the other end, again as far from him as I could get. I didn't want him snapping at me and telling me to not sit so close. If he shouts, my mood will get ruined too. Its not that I can control it really, I can only deal with general unkindness to a certain extent before I end up either crying or arguing, there's no in between.

He didn't acknowledge me, and again, I didn't really expect him to. He of course stayed silent, so I decided to stay quiet for quite a while too for my own sake. I chose to watch whatever was on the t.v instead, which turned out to be some old black and white cartoon that I faintly remembered watching when I was younger. I spared a glance over to Levi every once and a while and I was almost positive he'd zoned out again. That was until he spoke mere seconds later.

"Why do you insist on pestering me? Just leave me alone." He shot an intimidating glare at me, his words so bitter and cold. And just like yesterday, I felt that same pang of sadness.

I figured it was best for the both of us to do as he says, so I simply stood up without a word. I gave one short glance back at him before making an attempt to walk away with my full composure. Though I was shocked to feel a hand around my wrist, holding me back. I could hear a quiet "Wait.." from behind me. But he was gripping exactly where my stitches were, I yanked my hand back on instinct with a sharp yelp of pain and instantly checked to see if any of the stitches had reopened. Thank god they hadn't, but It was growing red and irritated looking. And it hurt like a bitch.

I turned around to face him after I was sure that no stitches were loose, I tried my best to mask the discomfort in my face as the sharp pain dulled down. And I could see that momentary spark of sympathy again in his eyes before it was quickly replaced by the usual ice cold glare, but it was still there none the less. He looked away from me and crossed his arms across his chest. "I mean, whatever leave if you want."

Once I got over the pain sparking through my wrist, I sighed lightly and took a few steps forward, deciding to sit back down next to him. He'd drawn back into his former position, refusing to look in my direction. He had stopped me, he wanted me to stay. It was sort of heartbreaking honestly, he did want to make friends. That much was obvious by his display a second ago, but from what it seems; he has a wall built up. Maybe he wasn't as bad and I had pegged him, i'd judged him too early just as everyone else had and I began to feel terrible about it. He was just as broken as I was.

"Your wrist.." He said quietly, still refusing to look in my direction. I turned my head to look at him, shaking away my thoughts. I had understood what me meant, he saw how I reacted and I couldn't deny what was so very clear. But I was still uneasy about saying it out loud. It was embarrassing in a way, I was ashamed of what I had done. But I was also ashamed that I failed. I couldn't even die correctly.

"Oh, yeah. There's stitches. I'm fine, though." I said meekly, absentmindedly pulling the tips of my sleeves down further in fear that he could see through the fabric. But I knew that was foolish to think, I still couldn't help it. I didn't mind telling him that all that much, he'd most likely understand if what I saw on his arms earlier were truly self-harm scars. Which i'm positive they were. And plus maybe if I opened up a bit, he'd do the same. Though if anyone else were to ask I know i'd most likely not tell them anything.

He was silent for a really long time and I almost though he was done talking, but however he did speak up.   
"I'm sorry.." His voice came out even quieter than last time, though this time he did look at me. I wasn't use to this new tone of voice of his at all, and I didn't like it one bit. He suddenly sounded so hurt, and maybe he was. No, I knew he was. I could tell by the look in his eyes when he zones out. I really did want to help him, but he made it so hard.

I simply waved it off, keeping my mouth shut and forcing a smile. I then felt a chill go down my spine and I was suddenly aware of how cold it was in here. I shifted my position so that I was sitting on my hip with my legs on the couch, finding the position much more comfortable and slightly warmer. I wasn't sure if I should speak, I didn't really want to take the chance of upsetting him more. But I took it anyways because that's just how I am, sadly.

"Why are you actually talking to me and acting as if you care?" I was scared of the answer, if I got one. I was beginning to regret asking.

And I did not get an direct answer, just a simple shrug that I caught from the corner on my eye. I sighed and decided to press more on it.

"No offence, but you can be really mean. "

He tightened his arms around his knees. "I don't try to be mean, its just how I am I guess." I was surprised that he hadn't yelled at me for that one, but much rather the opposite. His voice was still really quiet and he still wasn't looking at me. It was as if he was a different person.

"Is this what you do every day? Just sit here?" I questioned. I was actually curious, though I knew what his answer probably was.

"Yeah, pretty much." He said, his voice beginning to build back up a bit. He actually looked over at me this time. "There's not really much to do and I hate everyone in here so.." He trailed off, adverting his eyes back to the television. That's actually really sad, I still didn't know him well at all so I could be forming false sympathy for him, but people should at least give him a chance. And I felt terrible for almost giving up yesterday. 

There was something about him that made me want to know him better. Maybe its because I felt like we were quite alike, though I couldn't know that for sure since I know nothing about him but his name. Or maybe its simply the bit of kindness left inside me, wanting to help mend a broken soul because I couldn't do just that for myself. Whatever it may be, I won't give up trying until I have a real reason not to try anymore. Perhaps there's a real reason no one likes him, apart from his attitude. Then again, perhaps not. I'll just have to try and see.

"How many people have tried to talk to you?" I asked. Again, I was very curious to hear it coming from his own mouth. Erwin made it sound as if many tried, but from my recent discovery about this hell hole I was having doubts about any thing that came out of him mouth.

"Not a lot. half of my room mates said a few words to me but I guess I scared them away and they switched rooms immediately. Not that I have a problem with that, I like being by myself anyways." He huffed lightly in a stubborn fashion. I felt a spark of sympathy deep down, I could truly understand how he felt. At least about being alone.

"You shouldn't. I mean, so do I. But what if I said i'll be here for you?" I wanted to punch myself in the mouth for how sappy that had come out to be, but I already said it. No turning back. I should really do something about the whole never thinking before I speak thing.

"I would say you should not do that and go play with someone else. Don't even waist your fucking time."

Okay, that hurt. But i'm not going to give up as easily this time. He probably doesn't mean it, just like he said earlier. I know damn well he needs a friend.

"Okay, well i'm going to anyways. So if your upset, will you at least try to talk to me?" I tried again in a soft tone.

He snapped his head over to glare at me. "I don't need your sympathy bullshit, I can deal with my problems on my own. I don't need anyone." He then looked away once more.

His stubbornness pissed me off honestly. But I reminded myself to have patients, though that's something I had always lacked. Still, I could tell that he was lying through his teeth, no one can deal with their problems on their own. Especially someone with problems such as mental demons like I assumed of him. I knew his words all too well, I knew these lies. I myself used them for quite some time with Armin and Mikasa before I decided to make a recovery. So I personally knew that he did need someone.

"Okay whatever you say but i'll still be here if you need me." It was so odd to say such comforting things and in a way I hated it. I didn't like acting so possessive when I knew for myself how annoying it was to be on the receiving end of the comfort sometimes. These things were normally said to me, and I hated them. But they did eventually help me in the long run when I did choose to get better. Now it was my turn to help a broken individual. But everything still depended on if he lets me in, I can't help him when he won't let me. So truly did hope that he decides to take my offer someday. All I can do is wait.

"Yeah yeah." He waved the topic off and refocused all his attention to the t.v.

Through the rest of our time being there, I kept up small conversations every once in a while to make sure he didn't start thinking like I do a lot. Luckily for me, he didn't get too annoyed by my frequent talking and actually engaged in light conversation for small periods of time before seemingly loosing interest and ignoring me for a while. It was a small step, but he seemed ever so slightly more open to me. At least he wasn't snapping at me and telling me to shut up or leave him alone.

The room slowly began growing darker as the sun outside set and the light shining through the bars became less and less. I could barley make out the bright white stars against the pitch black sky through the bars, but I could still see them if I strained. And that was slightly comforting. Time seemed to crawl at snail pace, but finally the call for dinner did come. I was overjoyed to find myself standing up and heading towards the cafeteria, I was starving. Despite their shitty breakfast, dinner last night wasn't bad at all.

It hurt a bit to walk since I have been sitting for hours on end on the same position but once we were half down the long white halls adorned with metal doors, my legs began to stretch and got use to walking once more. As usual Levi and I were silent as we walked behind a few rather slow paced unfamiliar male patients, and we kept our silence upon entering the dinning room and fixing our plates.

I got more food than yesterday, my white porcelain plate held an array of vegetables, chicken, and a bread roll. I had grabbed a glass of water, since it was the only drink available, and followed behind Levi as he strode to our table. I briefly questioned why they would trust mentally ill patents with glass plates and cups, though that was a question I would most likely never get answered, so it was best to just let it slip away.

Everyone greeted me as I sat, aside from Jean and Marco. Witch was odd, Jean I knew would be bitter, but Marco seemed to be in a bad mood also. I pushed the thought aside, also noticing how no one even sparred a glance to Levi. I also remembered that the only time someone here spoke to him while I was here was when Hanji pissed him off earlier. It must be really rough here for him, he had to have been here much longer than me and to have no one that whole time. It was quite depressing.

I ate quickly in silence, only pausing to contribute shortly to the many conversations going around the table continuously. Though one conversation in particular was sparked that made me put down my fork and listen.

"Say Levi, you've been spending an awful lot of time with Eren haven't you?~" Hanji leaned her cheek in her palm and looked him directly in the eyes as she spoke with that too-wide grin of hers that seemed to never ever go away.

Levi averted his gaze down at his food and furrowed his eyebrows. "Just shut up Hanji." He growled, refusing to look up at her. I was expecting some sort of negative remark targeting my persistence, so I was a bit surprised at his reply.

She then shifted her eyes to me. "How do you deal with that?" She laughed lightly, pointing her thumb in his direction. I gave a simple shrug, not really sure how to answer that while Levi was sitting right next to me, and I had to watch what I say around him. Plus I was still a bit scared of her, well I was really scared of her. Out of everyone I've met here, she seemed to be the only true psychopath.

I did kinda want to speak up and tell her to lay off him a bit, since she only seemed to make his mood grow foul. But like I said, I am fucking scared of her. So I decided to leave it be, he probably dealt with her quite a bit, and her words didn't seem to hurt him rather than simply agitate him. Kinda like poking a bear.

She moved on to a different topic, conversating with everyone at the table joyfully as usual. I took the time to glance at Marco once more, He still seemed upset. He wasn't talking and that radiant smile wasn't plastered on that normally happy face of his. Instead it was replaced with a frown, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. 

I looked in his direction frequently out of curiosity, I noticed that every few minutes Jean would say a few things to him, he seemed to lighten up for a few moments while replying to Jean, but he was soon back in his previous upset state. It was odd, I had assumed he was a happy person, always smiling. Though I suppose its foolish to assume anyone here would be that sane. No matter how optimistic and overall normal they appeared to be.

When dinner finally came to an end, mostly everything on my plate was long gone and I was actually quite reluctant to stand up and leave the comfort of distraction. I wasn't looking forward to going back to my room and falling asleep, I knew exactly what awaited me in slumber. And also before I fall asleep, I knew no matter how hard I would try, I wouldn't be able to keep my lethal mind at bay. There was no escaping my demons and I wasn't so quick to rush into a night of restlessness.

I took my time walking, so I wasn't trailing close behind Levi this time, by the time I made it to our room he had already situated himself on his bed, leaning against the wall this his legs crossed. As soon my body was inside the room, the door behind me flew shut. I could feel the air from the sudden force rush against my back and blow my hair slightly, it sent a chill up my spine. The sound of locks shifting into place gave me that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach as it did every time I heard them.

Levi wasn't looking at me, he was looking down at his lap. Only when I sat back on my bed did he look up. I could feel his eyes on me as I situated myself, laying on my back with one arm over my head. I sighed quietly with content, the beds were actually pretty damn comfy here. I shifted my head to the side to look at Levi, and by the time I looked at him, he was no longer looking at me.

"Why does Hanji tease you like that so much?" I asked the question that had been on my brain since the beginning of dinner. He shrugged, taking a few long moments before answering.

"She just always does that. She is annoying as hell, in case you haven't noticed." He replied.

"She doesn't seem.. right up there." I tapped the side of my head for emphasis. 

"Of course not, she is fucking crazy." He scoffed.

"Well, what did she do to get in here? Do you know?" I asked, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know since the way she acts leads me to believe shes a mass murderer, but none the less I was still really curious.

"Everyone knows, she tells everyone who comes here and effectively scares the hell out of them." He paused, and what he's said so far was making me slightly nervous. "She killed 12 of her classmates and experimented on their bodies, and when her parents caught on, she took them out too. She was arrested and put on trial, she was facing life in prison if she was convicted. But they found her guilty of criminal insanity and sent her here. When it comes to crazy, shes the real deal. But shes still annoying as hell, murderer or not."

My blood ran cold at the little story he had just told me, it was hard to imagine her doing that since she came across as generally nice, just a bit.. slow. But then again it wasn't all that hard to believe. She did give off that sort of 'don't trust me, i'm a psycho' vibe. It was bone chilling.

"Not that shes all that bad, to be honest. I can stand her to a certain extent. She was here long before I arrived, and she was the first and only one who made persistent attempts at talking to me. Through the years, shes the only one who bothered talking to me without fail. It's kinda nice, despite her reasoning for being here." 

He was actually opening up a bit to me, that made an accomplished happiness swell inside me. I was glad that to an extent, he was becoming my friend. At least he trusted me enough to tell this much. But I decided to press on some more.

"She said she was here for 7 years," I began. "So how long have you been here?" I asked the same question I had asked earlier, though I hoped to get an actual answer this time around.

"I've been here since I was 16, so somewhere around three years. Its hard to tell with no time or dates in here. They only way to tell is when they announce the end of the year, they always let us outside at the end of every year." He answered, and I was thankful for an actual reply with added useful information.

So he was 19? Only a year older than I myself was. Though it made it even more heartbreaking that he had been alone for 3 whole years. It was no wonder that he had built up a wall over time.

"So you've been here by yourself for three years?" I didn't really mean to say it out loud, but it had came out anyways. So oh well.

He sighed. "Yeah, but like I said earlier, I like being alone better anyways." He said, he had began mindlessly twiddling his thumbs at some point.

"Well you don't have to be alone like that anymore. Okay?"

He glared at me. Probably the wrong choice of words.

"Look, just go to sleep. I'm probably not going to take you up on the offer. But then again who the hell knows."

And that was all he said for the rest of the night. I figured it was best to just be quiet, roll over, and go to sleep like he said. Or at least try to go to sleep. I pulled the thin blankets over my body, shivering at the coolness that had settled on the sheet paired with the cold room. It took a few moments for me to warm up, then I relaxed my body a bit. I closed my eyes to attempt a peaceful sleep.

I tried to keep my thoughts away, I really did. But of course I ended up inevitably failing, the horrid images invading my mind once more and making me flinch slightly. I wasn't shocked, there for I wasn't too reluctant to simply give in and let the thoughts flow. It was too hard to fight my own mind. In the back of my mind I knew I was getting no rest, but I still kept the foolish hope to keep my thoughts at bay. But I was wrong, I couldn't.

Maybe someday these nightmares will stop their consistent torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry about Hanji, because we all know she fucking would.  
> And also I couldn't help but add in that little Marco bit. So the deal with that is that Marco has multiple personality disorder, but he's his sunny happy self most of the time. However his other personality is a dark and bitter one, he's short tempered and snappy, much like Levi. But this part of him only comes out 1/4th of the time. And when it does, Jean is the only one who can keep him somewhat calm and prevent him from throwing rage fits. Yay for jeanmarco  
> Again, and also Levi's personality flips around easily a lot because he has bipolar disorder. Which is something I have and I thought it would too fit him pretty well. So if anyone thinks his character in unrealistic because his frequent mood changes, happy one second, pissy the next, its because his illness. all other character's disorders are in the end notes for the last chapter in case you didn't see!  
> Thank you for reading this far! Please, leave a comment if you liked it and want me to continue, the positive comments make my day!~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its a miracle, I updated in under a week! That has never happened before, maybe its because I actually really like writing this one. Anyway this is a short chapter, I normally aim for at least 8500 words per chapter, but this one is a little under 5000. But I really needed to get this happening out of the way. Oh and also the last half is from Levi's POV, so we get a look inside his confusing little mind. I hope you like this chapter, things finally happen with our babies!  
> Enjoy!~

So long has past since that fateful night, or at least it seems long. How long has it been? I thought briefly, 53 days. So almost two months. But a day sometimes felt like a week in here, time felt so warped. The past two months was a haze of the same routine, I began forgetting exactly what happened on each specific day, it all blurred together. The same thing everyday was so tiring.

The only reason I know exactly how long I've been in here was because I managed to find a black permanent marker laying on the floor underneath the couch Levi and I almost always occupied. I had taken to marking the wall with a line at the end of each day like some cliche prisoner. I didn't much care that I was destroying their wall, my thoughts were that if I was going to be locked here forever that I could do whatever the hell I want with my wall. And once i'm gone, they can simply paint over it.

I had stuck by Levi for most of the time being here, his attempts at denying me became less and less with each passing day until he finally gave in. He stopped telling me to leave him alone, that is. He still won't talk to me that much on his own and he rarely opened up. The only new thing I learned about him was that he could speak fluidly in french, it wasn't much of a discovery but it was still a piece of who he was, and that was enough for the time being.

I had also learned that he was bipolar. Well he never directly told me, but I had enough to assume from with his frequent mood swings and easy irritability. I could be wrong, but from what I knew about it he showed most of the signs. I wouldn't dare ask him about it though, I figured it wasn't very smart to ask a bipolar person if they were bipolar. Especially if that person was Levi.

My time here hadn't been hell, more over just unreal. It took me quite some time accepting my fate here and honestly I was still having trouble coming to terms with the facts. I'd given up the foolish hope of this being some long, sick dream a while ago and reality hit me that this was all to real. Thinking about it made me sad, so I avoided thinking about it. But that was a very hard thing to do.

What cushioned the blow was that at least I had people to help me get though this. I had given in and made actual attempts to speak to the others, as hard as it was for me, but it paid off. Sasha was now one of my close friends in here, she seemed to have some of the same issues as I, and it was nice to see her let her guard down and open up a bit the same as I was doing for her. Connie and I spoke frequently also, and admittedly he was pretty cool. He had ambition to get well again after what I learned was a suicide attempt, but he too had accepted his fate of being trapped. At least he had the will to get better on his own regardless.

Hanji still scared the hell out of me, but I spoke to her often too. Rather she spoke to me and I responded, but it still counted as interaction so its all the same. I hadn't gotten the chance to speak a lot to Marco since he was always by Jeans side, and lord knows I can't stand being within 2 feet of him without snapping. Since I got here, he had had quite a few more confrontations. Though over stupid things, I couldn't help but to get unbelievably pissed over said stupid things.

And also in a whole 53 days, I noticed that I was the only one to hang out with Levi. Hanji spoke very briefly with him once in a while, though always snide remarks meant to piss him off. It made me more determined to help him. Something about being the only one he talks to regularly gave me a strange since of empowerment and also something else that I couldn't really identify. Whatever it was, it made me happy.

He often yelled at me for marking up the walls, saying how it makes the room look like shit. I couldn't say he wasn't right, being that the room was pretty much all white and to have varying black marks marring the walls did make it unpleasant to look at. But how else would I keep track of the days? He didn't seem to have too much of a problem with it since it did serve a good purpose despite its ugly appearance.

I was having an easy time for the most part, the days weren't unbearable at least. But what I had the most problems with was that every two days we were required to take showers. I had no problem with being clean, of course. What I had a problem with was the fact that they were all open stalls and getting naked in front of a ton of crazy men that varied in age wasn't really my idea of a fun time.

But it was during the first shower time that I got a good look at Levis arms, and there was no doubt anymore that there were in fact scars on his arms. And much worse than my own from what I could see. They went up from his wrists to his shoulder, some areas had less than others but the sheer size of some of them was scary. He even had some on the top of his hands and I couldn't understand how I never spotted them before, though I suppose they were pretty faded, in my defense.

He always tried to hide them from my sight, but it was almost impossible, I often caught myself staring at them. In a way, I was intrigued by him for that very reason. I liked the idea of having someone who knows how terrible the addiction of cutting could get, I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I was still sort of glad that he experienced it, as fucked up as it sounds. I suppose I just thought it would be easier for us to relate if we have that one addiction in common.

Some days with him were better than others. There were days where he would completely shut down and not talk at all, he would just sit there staring blankly at whatever was in front of him and ignore the world around him. All I could really do was remain by his side and stay silent on those days, figuring that talk couldn't always fix a problem, sometimes you just need someone there with you.

But other days he was fairly nice, sometimes he would even join Hanji and the others at their little table in the recreation room. He wouldn't participate in our bored games or even conversations, but his will to accompany us was enough since he rarely left that couch.

I would have nightmares each and every single night. It was the same reoccurring one of that night, with each time it became more and more unbearable. I would sit up for a very long time after them and just cry my eyes out. But it wasn't as bad as it could be, I wasn't alone. Each time I bolted awake screaming, Levi would rush to my side and calm me down. He wouldn't leave my side until I had stopped crying and assured him I would be fine on my own.

It was so nice of him to put up with that each night, he showed so much patients and kindness while he calmed be down and assured everything was going to be okay, though we both knew it wasn't. It was the thought that counted. However it was on the 53rd night that I had been here that he showed the true extent to his kindness in the most shocking way possible and changed my thoughts of him and my very daily life here forever.

\---

I jolted awake, instantly shooting up into a sitting position and screaming as a result of that same nightmare. Reality didn't seem real and it took quite a few moments for me to calm myself as the haze of sleep left my clouded mind. I looked over, and as expected, there sat Levi.

"Are you okay now?" He questioned in that soft and caring tone he only had at night when this situation occurred, it was really weird to hear it first but I got use to it soon enough.

I shook my head in reply, by body still shaking with terror. I was breathing quick and uneven breaths. My breathing always seemed to be not normal for quite sometime after the nightmares.  
"No.. no i'm not" And once I choked those few words out, I was in tears. I had tried to hold them back for once, however to no avail. The warm liquid still poured down my face at a fast rate and sobs racked by body, worsening my already abnormal breathing pattern at the moment.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, a comforting gesture he often used. "I'm sorry."

"I just want to get out of here, Levi. No you know what, I wish I had succeeded at dying. I just want to fucking die and never see the light of day again. Ha, not like i'll truly even see that anymore either. I don't want to be here forever, I just want to fucking die! I deserve it anyways!" I went on a small miserable rant, not really thinking through what I was saying before I said it, but none the less I meant every word of it.

"No Eren, don't you fucking talk like that. You deserve to be living breathing."

"Oh yeah? Well if I just had died, you wouldn't have to be bothered with me if the first place. You could just get to be alone just like you said you preferred. God I just fuck up everything!" My tears were flowing at a more rapid pace now. I didn't mean to turn it on him, it was just the first thing to come out of my mouth with my hazy mind clouded with panic and despair.

"No, I don't really want to be alone! Haven't you fucking figured that much out? You didn't fuck anything up, so stop talking like that." Oh if only he knew how much I truley did fuck up, but of course I won't tell him. He would have a reason to hate me more if he knew I killed my own dad.

"You can stop pretending to care about me, you know. Because it will only make it worse." I said in a low and bitter tone through my tears, looking him in the eyes. To an extent, I knew he cared. But I also doubted it all at the time, I think everyone secretly hates me so I can't help but to be extremely paranoid when anyone shows any signs of caring for me.

"I'm not pretending dammit, open your fucking eyes and see that!"

"Why the hell should I believe that you care about a fuck up like me?! No one should care about me, I don't deserve it!" Our voices were getting louder.

"Eren!" And all was silent after that, so silent that I could clearly hear the hum of the air vents in the hall. He was still looking me in the eyes, despite his raised tone there was no anger in his eyes. But pure sympathy and.. care. The room felt colder.

I felt cool slender fingers brush up against my cheek until it was fully cupped in his palm, I faintly recognized that his hand was actually fairly small, smaller than mine at least. He was leaning closer to me, closer and closer until our faces were mere centimeters apart. And I couldn't understand what was happening until it happened, a surprisingly warm pair of lips were pressed against mine the very next second.

I took a few moments to process what was happening, then my eyes widened in pure shock. But the instant that his lips were there, they were gone again. His eyes had windedn conciderably now, too. He looked up at me, seemingly as shocked at himself as I was. I could make out faint pink dusting across his cheeks in the dim room.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to.." He sounded upset with himself.

I thought over what had just happened, the fact that he had kissed me finally registering fully in my brain. I was shocked, but the thing that I didn't hate the feeling. A normal persons reaction would be to be appalled, but I wasn't. It was then that my feelings actually registered, I always felt something for him. I thought it was simple pity over his broken soul, but I could now set my feelings apart and understand them. I wasn't aware that I liked him for more than a friend until this occurrence, or rather I wouldn't mind us being more than friends at all. That being said, I couldn't let this chance slip now that I knew he felt the same.

He seemed as if he was about to get very angry, assumabley at himself. I knew what I wanted to do now, and before he could get up and go to his own bed, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. Albeit clumsily, I had never kissed anyone before so I was unsure of what I was doing exactly. But I seemed to be doing it right, and I was overjoyed to feel him responding to the kiss. I let my eyes flutter shut and relaxed, my nightmares and self hate long forgotten at this point.

I soon got the hang of the general motions and it became easier. I felt a flutter in the pit of my stomach as his arms wrapped themselves around my torso, and I wasn't sure if I liked that flutter or hated it. Once of his hands slipped up to thread into my slightly matted brunet hair, the feeling sending goosebumps down my arms as another flutter made itself known.

I didn't want to ever pull away from this sweet sensation, but eventually we both had to pull away for air after a long while. We stared into each others eyes as we both caught our breath. I felt content with the sudden occurrence, it happened so fast but I was thankful it took place. And from what I could see, he seemed content too. He used the hand that was previously in my hair to trail gently down my face and rest itself on my cheek once more, brushing his thumb across the smooth flesh.

"Do you feel better now?" He asked softly, and come to think of it I did. I nodded, a small but genuine smile playing across my lips.

He moved us so that we were laying down, his arms wrapped tightly around me. We were face to face, out heads resting on the same pillow. It wasn't long until his lips were back on mine, and I gladly partook in the kiss. It was easier this time and far less clumsy now that I was use to the motions. His lips were surprisingly soft and they fit perfectly against mine, I reveled in the sensation and how it sent a pleasurable spark through my veins at each movement.

 

By the time we pulled away this time, I was rather tired. He had began stroking my hair at some point, which only served to make me more sleepy. It was so comforting to be held in his arms, it was a feeling that I hadn't known i'd been longing for.

"Levi.."

"Don't talk, your gonna ruin it." He said, though no malice was behind his words nor in his face. He actually seemed overall happy for once.

I buried my face into his chest, wrapping my arms around him tightly and bringing us as close as possible. He responded by tightening his grip around me slightly, a sigh of content escaping his lips. It was such a comfortable change, I hated being alone in this cold empty bed. That was something I just realized for myself. It felt so right to have him hold me. All of my negative thoughts seemed to have disappeared long ago and the only thing that mattered was Levi and I.

It didn't take long for me to fall asleep, though it came as a surprise that this slumber wasn't riddled with horrid nightmares. It was a peaceful sleep, actually enjoyable for once. I couldn't help but think that Levi was the reason for that.

\---  
Levi's POV

It was raining on that night, I could hear the thunder cracking loudly beyond these walls that confined me. Something about that night didn't feel right, it didn't necessarily feel like something bad was going to happen, nor something good. But for some reason I knew something was going to change. I didn't like change. I never did, even when I was living my own life beyond here. I hated change.

I liked my life here the way it was at the time, well 'like' couldn't really be a good word to be used. Rather I preferred it the way it was. I liked being alone, because others couldn't hurt me when I was alone. Only I could hurt me and that's the way I liked it. And also it was best for everyone that I was isolated, I couldn't hurt anyone that way.

So needless to say I was more than a little annoyed when Erwin came to tell me that he had assigned me yet another room mate. He gave the the same 'be nice and make friends' bullshit speech to which I did not agree too, but my silence was apparently enough of a conformation. Stupid man.

And when this new room mate of mine came walking in at an ungodly hour on that rainy night, I despised him at first sight. He by no means looked like he was whole, but I could tell he had the strength within him to pick himself up and try, I was always good at reading people. I don't know what he did, and I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know anything, I didn't want to know him. Nor did I want him to know me.

I had a glimmer of hope that he would simply shut the fuck up and go right to sleep, but of course he just had to talk to me. I don't know what I expected, of course Erwin put him up to it. Oh how I hated Erwin, making it seem as if recovery was a first priority here to newbies when in reality once your dumped here your here forever. Fuck him and fuck this twisted ward he runs.

And fuck this kid I soon learned went by 'Eren'. He sounded too damn peppy, it was so irritating. I could tell he was faking it, though. But he was good at faking that happiness and effectively annoyed the shit out of me within the first 30 seconds of being inside of my room. Who the hell does he think he is coming in here and trying to play nice with me? Oh right, Erwin's bitch.

I was so glad when he finally decided to shut the fuck up for the night and go to sleep. His persistence was annoying, but I knew within no more than a day with me that he would hate me and switch rooms like everyone else. Many have tired to break my wall, but they failed, not even bothering to try for more than two days.

I was always instantly labeled as an asshole by everyone who talks to me for more than 30 seconds. But despite how I may seem, i'm not a heartless bitch. And that's why the very next night when Eren woke up screaming in the middle of the night, I couldn't just sit there and watch him break down. I was capable of some form of sympathy to an extent, like I said, i'm not heartless.

So I played along and comforted him for a while, the little bit of compassion left inside of me wanting to help at least for the time being. He wasn't a bad person as far as I knew, and he shouldn't have to go through nightmares bad enough to make him scream himself awake. His persistence to befriend me did falter, when I snapped at him in the recreation room that day he had left me alone.

I liked that, he knew when to fucking stop. And I hoped that would be the end of our interactions. But oh how wrong I turned out to be. The very next day he was back to trying to talk to me. At times it was bearable, I couldn't say I didn't want a friend. Because I did. But I always snapped myself out of that shit and reminded myself all I need is me, and that's all I deserve.

I don't deserve a friend to help me with my demons, and my demons were the ones to remind me of that. Every time I came close to opening up to Eren, those voices reminded me that I don't deserve friends, that he would too hate me pretty soon. At times I had momentary sanity where I could see how foolish I was acting, but my tainted mind soon took back over.

My feelings confused me, I felt like if I had a friend I would end up hurting them and they don't deserve it. But I also felt that they would hurt me and I don't deserve it. Oh but I do. I confuse myself each time I try to rationalize these feelings and I end up wanting to scream and pull my hair out. I knew something was wrong with me to think like that, but I also knew no different.

My self worth comes and goes as does my self hate, and I always end up not truly knowing how I feel about myself. I knew that was wrong, and I knew I needed to fix myself. But I gave that up long ago, it was too hard to pick myself up with no one to lean on. Because I don't deserve friends, but I want friends, it all goes around in the same cycle until I confuse and frustrate myself again.

I often get lost in these thoughts, they cycled over and over in my head. Those thoughts paired with memories of my old life were enough to make me want to cry. But I made a pact with myself that I would never cry again. I didn't deserve self pity after what I had done. Every time I just want to end everything because of my horrid mind, I remembered I deserve such terrible thoughts and my punishment for sin was to rot in this nut house forever with my sick mind as my only friend.

I intended to keep it that way forever, but over the course of two months, I found myself growing attached to Eren. I didn't want to and I often didn't realize I was doing it, but I began somewhat bonding with him over time. That was the small part of me with self worth attempting to get that friend I so desperately needed, but once I was aware of what I was doing, my self hate kicked in and I completely shut down, refusing to talk to Eren.

He was a nice guy and I didn't want to hurt him with my mood swings, I was cursed with bipolar disorder and I knew I couldn't control them if I tried. But at the same time I didn't want him to hurt me like I knew he was bound to do. Sometimes I knew that he did care about me to some extent, but I couldn't help but to believe it when the voices tell me he secretly hates me, that I don't deserve anyone. It went in a circle, I begin to warm up to him, I remember I don't deserve happiness, I shut down. It happens every time I see him, which is mostly all the time.

But I began growing more and more attached, I tried so hard to let myself open up a bit but I couldn't. It was so hard, and its hard to explain. I knew I was beginning to care about him, but I never knew the true extent of my care until that one night about two months into his stay. 

He awoke screaming from his nightmare, nothing new. I moved to sit on his bed and calm him down just as I have done every single night. I listened to his pathetic speech about how he hated it here and how he hated himself, and I tried to help as much as I could with words and comforting gestures. But it wasn't until he said he wished to die that something awoke inside of me.

I remembered his wrist, and how he said he had slit them. I never cared too much at the time he told me since I was too absorbed in trying to keep him away from me. But I realized how easily he could have died, and he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't be here to try to help me and he wouldn't be here for me to help him. I couldn't stand that thought at all.

I realized that maybe my feelings went far beyond friendship, and maybe I liked him. Maybe I liked him a lot, no I know I did. I understand that now, and no matter how much I hated myself for allowing it to happen, I liked him a lot.

I was so caught up in these thoughts, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing until it was done. I fucking kissed him, and I hadn't even meant to. His eyes were wide with what could be horror or shock, probably both. So I pulled away once I was self aware. I was so pissed off at myself. How could I have let that happen? 

But what I had not expected to happen at all was when he wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed me, I was too shocked to respond at first, but soon I got a hold of myself and did just that. All my thoughts seemed to disappear, and all that mattered was Eren and I. I felt a lurch of happiness, it was such a odd feeling that I hadn't felt in so very long, I wasn't sure if I liked it or despised it.

I forgot all of my self loathing for that one night, he had fallen asleep in my arms later that night and I felt content for once, just watching his face as he slept. He didn't seem to be in distress so I could tell he was having no more nightmares. He looked so peaceful and no matter how much I could ever try to deny it, I was so glad that tonight's events had taken place.

Maybe this was my turning point. If I had him, I could get past my demons. Or at least that was my mind set during that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they all lived happily ever after!  
> Ha, no not really. Sorry for the short chapter, I just needed to get the kiss out of the way and put a little of Levis thoughts in it. So now I can have a clean start point for the next chapter. I can't say anything about it, but lets just say things get interesting. Not quite shocking though, since this is Levi we're talking about. I should have it typed up and posted soon!  
> Also if you think Levis mind set is very confusing, good. It's supposed to be.   
> I hope you enjoyed, if you did please leave a comment! They encourage me to keep going!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay let me just start by saying that it is currently 6:30 in the morning and I have not slept at all, so this is half written and all edited on little to no sleep. So there's probably hella spelling and grammar errors, and if you spot any, please point them out specifically to me and I will fix them.  
> This chapter should really get the ball rolling with their relationship! Oh what a wonderful start this chapter has.  
> Enjoy!~  
> (Trigger warning as usual, this time with eating disorders added into the mix. So read on with caution!)

When I awoke that next morning, I found that I felt fairly well rested. Every other morning I felt as if I had slept for no more than ten minuets, but this morning was different. Despite the rude wake up call from the usual man who makes his rounds to wake every patient up, I felt at peace for the very first time in two months. A faint smile played across my lips as wonderful memories from last night began trickling back to my mind slowly. I sighed happily.

Though once I came back to full consciousness, I noticed that the warm and safe arms that were once wrapped so tightly around me last night were gone and I was left alone in this cold bed once again. I sat up, looking around questionably in fear that maybe Levi had been removed from the room. But I was happy to find that he was instead seated on his own bed, back against the wall.

"Good morning~" I chimed lightly, stretching my back and rubbing the remains of sleep from my eyes. I waited quite a few rather long moments for a reply, but all that came was pure silence. I hadn't expected a happy reply, but I at least expected one at all. I looked over, shooting him a quizzical look.

He wasn't looking at me, he seemed to be focused on the wall. But I knew he heard me, since he did give me a momentary glance before resuming his staring at nothing. I didn't question it too much, though. I simply shrugged it off, figuring he was in one of his moods.

"Are you okay?" I asked, toning down the small bit of happiness that my tone held before.

"I'm fuckin' fine, stop asking that." He replied in a tone of irritation, glaring at me coldly as he pushed himself from his bed and stormed over to his dresser. He yanked his drawer out roughly and I jumped slightly at the loud sound accompanying the motion.

My blood ran cold, he seemed really pissed off. More pissed off than I've seen him in a long time. And at me from what it seems, what else could have gotten to him? I moved to get to my feet, walking a bit slowly to my own dresser as I thought. There was no way I had dreamed that whole thing between Levi and I last night. I knew that for a fact, because for one I knew I wouldn't dream anything but horrid nightmares. And also I could still feel his lips on mine, they still tingled, as did my head where his fingers ran through my hair. I reached up to touch my lips lightly, a bit dazed.

I snapped myself out of it quickly, I had to hurry up and get dressed before we're late. I could question him about it when i'm already dressed. I grabbed the small knob on the old word wooden dresser and pulled the drawer out, a lot gentler than Levi had moments ago might I add.

I rummaged through it for a few moments before finding my desired outfit, the red hoodie I had worn on my first day and black loose jeans. It was always so cold in here, so I quickly stripped myself of the old clothes and pulled on the new ones as fast as I could to prevent catching a chill. When I turned around, he was already beginning to open the door.

Without a word he pushed the heavy door open and went on without me, I furrowed my eyebrows and stared at his back as he walked away, huffing in irritation. Before the door closed I quickly stepped out and jogged my way to catch up with him, running my fingers through my messy hair to fix it as I did so.

"Hey seriously, whats wrong?" I asked with more true concern this time once I caught up next to him. I was actually getting really worried now, had I done something wrong?

He scoffed. "What the fuck did I say back in the room? Now just leave me alone and stop talking to me." 

My breath caught in my throat, I looked over at him in disbelief, my face surely portrayed how hurt I was by his words. Now I was really worried, it was as if I was meeting him for the first time again. All that progress to getting him to open up was suddenly long gone and he was shutting down again.

I couldn't speak out of pure shock, and we were approaching the cafetiere doors quickly. I felt like crying, but I managed to find my voice again just as we stepped through the doors.

"But.. last night.." I said meekly, he stopped in his tracks and turned to face me.

"Eren, listen to me. That was a mistake and it meant absolutely nothing. Now just leave me alone, tell Erwin to switch your room or something because I can't deal with you anymore." His tone was stone cold and his face was dead serious as he looked up into my eyes and spoke, each word breaking my heart more and more until I couldn't take it.

I brought a hand up to cover my mouth, forcing back a sob as tears filled my eyes until they were overflowing and rushing down my cheeks. "But Levi.. please.." I managed between sharp uneven breaths.

He rolled his eyes. "I mean it, now get over it." was his last words before he simply turned around and strode towards the food bar as if he hadn't just shattered my very heart.

I couldn't hold in my sobs any longer, and I sure as hell wasn't about to breakdown in front of everyone here. So with my last bit of composure I willed myself to run in the direction of the men's bathroom, It felt as if everyone's eyes were on me as I ran, like they were judging me weakness. I quickly forced the door open once I was before it and locking myself inside.

There was no way that really just happened.. He seemed so genuine last night and I knew this wasn't just one of his mood swings. He's never said such hurtful things, he has never been so cold. Wait maybe this was a nightmare, I brought my arm up and pinched the skin through the fabric to test the desperate theory. And my heart broke a little more as I was met with the soul crushing fact that this was indeed reality. And what a harsh reality this was.

I let myself fall back against the door and sink to the floor, every tear and body racking sob I had been holding in all releasing at once, turning me into a complete mess. I felt physical pain in my chest, as if my heart had actually been ripped out and my chest was left a hollow shell. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt so damn much if he hadn't kissed me.

Sure, I could probably take this without as much pain if he hadn't done what he did. It took that one single night to awaken the feelings that I hadn't even known i'd been suppressing for so long. I hadn't known how important he was to me until last night, I felt so happy, a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. I thought I was going to be happy with him, oh how foolish that thought turned out to be in this cold reality.

I couldn't stop crying, I had no idea how long I had managed to lock myself in here and cry but I knew I looked a mess. And one look up into the mirror before be proved that to be very correct. My face had red blotches in places and my eyes were red, tears staining nearly every inch of my cheeks. I felt a strong feeling of self loathing at the sight, I hated my appearance as it was so I felt like screaming in frustration and punching the mirror once I caught sight of myself for two seconds.

The fact that I had to go walk out in front of everyone looking like this nearly gave me a fucking anxiety attack, and the fact that I had to face Levi again made me want to die. I didn't know if I couldn't stand being near him without breaking down in front of everyone. How could he do this so suddenly? What did I do wrong? Its probably because I always look like a train wreck, i'm fucking ugly, worthless, I should just die an-

Knocking sounded from the door I was leaning against pathetically, it was faint, but still loud enough to overpower my sobs. I instantly stopped making any noise at all, attempting to compose myself the best I could to call out an answer without sounding like I was just crying my eyes out like an abandoned child.

"Yes?" I tried my very best to sound normal, though somewhat failing and I prayed that the crack in my voice wasn't as noticeable as I thought it.

"Eren, are you okay?" The reply was meek and soft, I knew this voice. 

It was feminine and gentle, I thought the best I could through my hazy mind to put a name to the voice, and I was extremely relieved to realize that the person on the other side of this door was none other than Sasha. If anyone was to interrupt me at a time like this I was glad it was Sasha, though its not like i'm glad anyone at all interrupted me. I would much rather be left alone to my pathetic suicidal thoughts and self hate.

I quickly rushed to my feet and wiped my face, sniffling as quiet as possible and clearing my voice. I took a deep breath before unlocking the door and turning the knob, swinging the door open to face her. 

"Yes i'm fine, why do you ask?" What a stupid question, she probably saw everything as did everyone else. But I could still do my damn best to force down my feelings and hide my pain with a fake smile like I use to do every single day before I got here, and I still do quite often. So I forced a smile on my face as believably as I could manage and attempted to hide my blood shot eyes behind my hair.

"Well its just um.." She hesitated a bit and I could tell she was struggling to keep her tone at a audible volume. Oh how I understood that. "I saw you run into the bathroom, you seemed really upset so I figured i'd come to see if you were okay.."

I shook my head , pushing more of my hair forward to hide my face. "Well i'm fine so you don't have to worry." I attempted to quickly rush past her, I couldn't talk anymore, my voice was beginning to crack more and more and the urge to cry again was becoming too much for me to handle.

"Wait-" She grabbed onto my wrist, and I nearly flinched at the pain I knew would come, then I remembered I had my stitches removed a while ago and all that was left was a nasty scar. "I mean, I know your not really okay Eren. Please.. you can talk to me if you need to.."

I looked around the room to see if anyone was watching us, and I was relived to find no eyes on us. So I turned around, debating if I should admit that I wasn't alright or lie again. But I found myself incapable of that flawless lying that I could normally use to get out of anything. My body was betraying me, my breathing was growing more unsteady and my fake smile had began to drop, my lip quivering as I slowly lost my composure, no matter how hard I fought to make myself appear okay; I simply couldn't anymore. I was far too gone at this point.

"Your right, i'm really not.." I managed with my last bit of composure before I let the tears fall down my face once more. The look she gave me was so pitiful, it made me feel pathetic but I couldn't hold these feelings in any longer.

"Oh, Eren." She said softly, pulling me into a gentle embrace. She was slightly shorter than me, so I was able to hide my face in her slender shoulder. I brought my arms up around her and began sobbing. The familiar feeling of her petite fingers stroking my hair only served to make me cry even harder, the painful memories of last night came rushing back into my mind.

Quite a few minutes passed before I felt composed enough to leave her warm embrace. I pulled away and looked down at her, my face a hollow emotionless shell. I had cried all my tears and now I felt nothing. No pain, no sadness. Simply nothing, besides the dull ache that remained in my heart.

"Its going to be okay, but were going to have to make it through breakfast. So if you would like to tell me what happened, feel free to talk to me during free time. Will you be okay through breakfast?" She questioned, her tone no longer sounded quiet and unsure. It was now gentle and sort of motherly. It would have been comforting if it weren't for my current mental state.

I nodded simply, not being able to find my voice at all at the moment. She gave me another sympathetic look before gently grabbing me by the hand and leading me to the food bar. She waited by my side as I sloppily fixed my cereal, not at all having the will to be careful not to make a mess. I was in absolutely no mood to give a single shit about anything at the moment, let alone the cleanliness of this fucking place. I trudged behind her as we walked to our table.

I sat between her and Marco of course, not daring to even spare a glance in Levis direction. I knew I couldn't handle it, one look at him and i'd breakdown. It pissed me off how upset I was over this incident and I was beginning to wish I had never met him. As I sat down, I noticed mostly everyone was finished eating, aside from Sasha, who's bowl was almost all the way full since she had been occupied with consoling me.

I didn't eat a thing the entire meal session, I just stared down at my food and swirled the spoon around. I ignored everyone asking if I was okay, not even looking up at anyone speaking to me. Even Hanji sounded a bit concerned when she questioned me, and that was saying something. But I still didn't have the energy or will to acknowledge her.

I was glad when this breakfast finally came to an end, I was more than happy to leave behind all these concerned gazes and questions. I stood up quickly as soon as we were permitted to do so, making a B line to the exit and leaving my full bowl behind along with everyone else's questioning stares.

I was about half way down the hall when I felt a presence next to me, I was fearing who it could be and I was scared to look over. But when I did, I was glad to find it had only been Sasha. I'm not sure why I expected any different, and maybe I was hoping for different. But whatever.

"Are you still feeling up for telling me about what happened?" She asked.

I shrugged, keeping my gaze forward as we approached the double doors. "I don't know, I guess." I answered her in a sort of monotone voice. I didn't really care anymore, it registered in the back of my mind that talking about my problems would help, but quite honestly that sounded like a crock of bullshit at the moment. I doubted anything could make me feel better at the moment.

She gently took my hand again once we were inside the large white room, walking me over to the same couch I had been on so long ago when I first got here. I figured this would be my favorite spot from now on since it was fairly unpopulated. I took a seat and she sat close to me without a bit of hesitation.

"So whats up?" She asked, I could feel her looking at me but I refused to return the look. 

I was having second thoughts about telling her, how could I go about this without seeming like a pathetic freak? It had only now occurred to me that the person I felt so strongly for was another guy, and I knew damn well a lot of people didn't take too kindly to that. But whats the worst that could happen? She didn't exactly seem like the judgmental type, so what the fuck.

"Well.." I began. "You have to promise me you won't tell anyone about this." I said, looking down at my hands in my lap and mindlessly playing with my thumbs out of anxiousness.

"I promise its between you and me." She assured, and this time I did manage to look over at her. Her face was sincere as she spoke, and that was very assuring. So I went on.

"Well its about Levi.. he's been opening up more and more to me and I actually thought we had some sort of bond forming.." I hesitated, tears threatening to fill my eyes once more. "And last night he did something.. he kissed me to calm me down from a nightmare.." I looked over at her.

I had honestly expected a disgusted expression to take over her face, but instead it wasn't really any different form her usual one. She seemed to be listening to my every word, showing genuine care. "Is that why your upset, because you don't like him like that?" She questioned once I was quite for sometime. Honestly, I hadn't noticed I had stopped talking, so I continued once I did.

"No, actually the opposite. I realized that I do really like him, I was actually happy for once.. but then.." I brought my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, the urge to cry growing stronger and I found it hard to tell her the next part.  
"This morning he acted like last night didn't even happen. He said such mean things, he even said that the kiss meant nothing. I actually really like him, and I guess it was stupid to think I had a chance. I'm such an idiot, why did I ever let myself believe that I could be happy?" I said the last part more to myself, and at some point I had started crying again. I would have went on with my little self hating rant if it weren't for the sobs constantly interrupting me.

"Oh Eren, i'm so sorry. Listen, I've been here for a while and I know a bit about Levis behavior. And if theirs anything I gathered about him, its that he tried his very hardest to push everyone away from him. If you truly have feelings for him, I say you shouldn't give up on him just yet. Maybe he doesn't mean what hes saying, you may never know if you don't give it another shot." She said, placing a petite hand over my own in a comforting gesture. "And I don't ever wanna hear you call yourself stupid, okay?"

Her last comment only made my tears flow at a quicker rate, for some reason it made my heart ache even more.  
"But its fucking true. I am stupid and Levi hates me, so why should I even try? I'm just gonna get rejected again and have my heart broken all over again." I spoke the very best I could through my sobs, and she gave me another look of pathetic pity. Oh how I hated being pitted.

"No, your not stupid and Levi doesn't hate you. If he did why would he bother hanging around you since you got here? He never talks to anyone in here and the fact that he says more than two words to you alone says something. He has his wall built up so high, I think he's just afraid of you breaking it. So please, don't give up on him. I want you to get better, and to get better you have to be happy. So be happy with him." Something about the way she worded her little speech made my heart skip a beat, it gave me the slightest hope that maybe Levi doesn't hate me. Foolish hope.

"Maybe your right.. but I doubt it. But i'll still give it one more try." I said with a light sigh. "Thanks for listening to my pathetic problems, i'm sorry if I bothered you"

"Oh not at all! I'm glad I could help in some way." She said, flashing a genuine smile over at me. "Now would you like to come over to play a few games with me and the others?" She asked.

I nodded, figuring it was better than sulking. "I guess, maybe it can get my mind off things." I said as I stood up after her, I felt a bit dizzy after standing up a bit too fast and it was then that I noticed how hungry I was. I almost regretted not eating at breakfast, but I knew I couldn't get anything down no matter how hard I tried.

My spirits were lifted a bit, but as we walked across the room I caught sight of Levi. He was just sitting in his usual spot, staring blankly at the t.v. And I wanted nothing more but to run over to him and hug him. The urge was so strong, and the fact that I couldn't, and if I did I would be rejected broke my heart again. I never felt like that before and it was unsettling. I shook my head and tore my eyes away from him, knowing I was only hurting myself with these thoughts.

I tried so hard to keep my mind off things and just partake in playing stupid games with the others, but my mind kept veering off to Levi. I almost broke down several times and I was so grateful that I was good at hiding things like that deep down, no one seemed to notice and I was thankful for that.

Everyone tried to make conversation with me, but I kept my replies short most of the time. I wasn't necessarily trying to be antisocial at the moment, but I was just unable to hold normal conversation. I was still sad and extremely anxious about confronting Levi later. I feared rejection more than anything right now and I had no idea what to expect from him anymore

I was fearing for when the call for dinner came, just the thought of being within 3 feet of Levi made me want to cry. What he said had truly hurt me and his words cut deeper than any razor ever could. I suppose its my fault for assuming things, I had a habit of doing that and it always got me in trouble, such as this instance. But I didn't blame myself fully, who wouldn't assume something more than friendship when that person kisses you and holds you through the night?

I was having such a hard time focusing on the games in front on me and I had to be pulled from my deep thoughts nearly every time it was my turn, and my attempts to play were very half-assed. I was far too invested in my thoughts, and that wasn't a good thing. I knew that thinking about him and analyzing everything would only hurt me, but it was just too hard to keep the thoughts away.

I'm so stupid, I felt embarrassed and stupid. Heartbroken and worthless, I wanted to leave. Not only the ward, but the world. Damn it here come these stupid fucking thoughts again. I tried to bring myself back to reality but it was too late at this point, I was now feeling the strong urge to slit my wrists with a mirror shard.

That actually wasn't a half bad idea, I could break the bathroom mirror and leave this hell behind. Go out like I intended to. None of these dumb fuck workers would notice since they only half ass their jobs anyways. I wasn't attached to anyone, so at this point its the best option. Well i'm attached to Levi, so fucking attached. But I need to get over that stupid little fantasy. Who would fucking miss me? No one, because i'm worthl-

A loud booming male voice called out for us to move to the cafeteria, the man motioning through the open doors as if leading cattle. I jumped slightly at the sudden rather loud announcement, and I was pulled back to my cruel reality. Not that my thoughts were any less cruel. And as I was walking, I officially made the decision to go through with my little plan if talking to Levi tonight goes as I think it will. Because if that fails, what do I have to live for in this wretched hospital?

Dinner was the same as last night, and the night before that, and the night before that. And I had effectively put myself in a bad enough mood to loose my apatite once more, so I put on my plate the very least I could, and I didn't really plan on even eating that much. Not intentionally, simply because I knew I couldn't eat at the moment. My nerves were worn and I felt like throwing up even though there was nothing to throw up.

Sasha gave me a look as I sat down, she then looked at my plate and then back at me. I wasn't sure what she was hinting at, but I could tell there was some sort of unspoken question behind it. I cocked my head after a few moments of thinking of just what it could be, and she leaned in closer to me.

"your not eating much Eren, that's not like you." She said in a slightly hushed tone.

"Yeah, i'm just not too hungry is all." I replied wholeheartedly. It wasn't a lie so I had no reason to force my words out to be believable.

"Are you sure?" .She leaned in a bit closer. "You should really eat some more, they might label you with an ED and you could be put under watch at all meals." She informed in a quieter tone, assumably so the others wouldn't hear. Though I don't think I would mind too much if they did, but I still appreciated her respect for privacy.

I had to think for a few moments about the abbreviation ED and what it stood for, and after a second I figured it out and felt really stupid for taking so long to identify it. Eating Disorder. I shook my head.

"It'll be fine, its just one meal. They won't notice." I said back with a forced smile. I knew she knew how I felt at the moment, but I still felt the need to hide it and I would go to all extents to hide the fact I was broken. She nodded and shrugged slightly, then returning to her own meal and like that the subject was dropped.

But through the whole meal, the eating disorder thing was on my mind, I thought about as I poked my food around and ignored everyone trying to talk to me. Starving yourself to be thin, or throwing up your food for the same goal. Its not like I haven't thought about it before, I was always unhappy with the way I look. Wait, no. Stupid. That's a terrible idea and I shouldn't even be entertaining it.

I knew that was a horrible thing to even consider and I instantly pushed it out of my mind as soon as I became aware that I was actually considering it. Why would I do that anyways? I was determined to off myself pretty soon and I wouldn't even have time to develop an eating disorder. And plus I don't think I would have that in me, I love food, no matter how disgusting I feel sometimes and It just seemed too hard to deprive myself of it.

So I forced the thought away for what I thought would be permanently, but it did remain in the back of my mind to my displeasure. I never thought it to be an actual problem because I knew I could never do it and that was the end of that.

 

And before I knew it, it was time to leave. I hadn't realized just how long I was lost in thought, and now it was time to face my fear and be locked alone in a room with Levi. I was so scared to get up from my seat, so I made damn sure than I was the very last one to leave the room. It didn't buy much time, but it was still time to savor before I get my heat shattered for the umpteenth time today.

I took my sweet time as I escorted myself back to my room, much to the guards displeasure who was standing by my room door with a 'hurry the fuck up your wasting my time' look written all over his face. I barley had my feet through the door before it was slammed shut forcefully behind me. Seemed to have pissed that guy off. But now I had bigger problems.

I didn't look at Levi at all, but I could feel his presence and worse than that I could feel his eyes on me. I remembered what Sasha had said about giving him another chance, and don't get me wrong, I had fully intended to, but I suddenly felt like going back on that one. I couldn't even work up the nerve to talk to him, I instead favored sitting on my bed and staring at the wall in front of me, avoiding looking at him at all costs.

A heavy silence clung to the air and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I didn't dare say a word, because I knew I would regret ever opening my mouth. The last thing I wanted was to become a sobbing mess in front of him. Though I had plenty of times after nightmares, but its different this time. I don't trust him anymore and I refused to let him see me cry, especially when he was the cause of my tears. I won't give him the satisfaction.

"I see you've taken a liking to Sasha." He spoke up so suddenly I almost jumped, I knew he was looking at me but I didn't dare return to glare. Quite honestly, I was growing more pissed than saddened by the second. What business does he have questioning who I hang out with? What business does he have talking to me in the first place?

"Yeah why the fuck do you care" I scoffed harshly. "You wanted me to leave you alone remember? So now why don't you leave me the hell alone." I sent him a deadly glare this time, and we locked eyes for some time. I normally would be intimidated, but oh not this time. There was anger in my words, but I had to fight to keep my tears in. I was now pissed off and sad at the same time, I didn't know is I should scream at him or cry like a baby.

"I don't care." He looked away and closed his eyes stubbornly.

"Then why did you ask?" I pressed, I actually was curious as to how he has the audacity and why he felt the need to question me on my choices in friendship after how he treated me.

"Whatever."

"'Whatever'." I mocked childishly, I didn't mean to say it out loud but it slipped and earned another deadly glare form him.

Silence fell for a very long time, and I was almost sure the conversation was over and this would be the last of our interactions forever, but then came his voice once more.

"I bet shes just so much better than me, huh?" His tone was low, so low I wouldn't be able to hear it if it weren't for the dead silence surrounding us. I snapped my head over to look at him questioningly.

"What?" My tone was almost astonished, why would he say such a thing?

"Nothing."

"Yes something. Why would you say that?" I asked, turning my body to face him this time.

"Why do you keep talking to me? Stop it! Just stop it and leave me alone!" He half shouted at me, but he wasn't looking at me, he kept his face turned at just the perfect angle so that I couldn't see it. Something was wrong, his tone wasn't angry, it was desperate.

"Levi..?" I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to ask if he was okay, to comfort him. But the stubborn side of me wouldn't allow that. The pain from his words earlier were still fresh wounds on my heart and I wasn't anywhere near over it.

"Please.. stop..." His words came out as a weak whisper, and I officially knew something was horribly wrong. My expression softened a bit as did my tone.

"Levi, whats wrong?" I asked softly, I knew I needed to let go of my pathetic stubbornness for at least the time being and help him. Because I still had feelings for him and it still pained me to see him hurting, I still cared so much about him.

"Just stop pretending to care damn it!" He snapped his head to look at me as he shouted in a broken tone, and I was more than surprised to see the sight before me. Levi was actually crying, in all my time here I had never seen him shed a single tear. He just seemed like the type to never ever cry and I assumed he was incapable of tears, but that theory turned out to be very wrong.

I instantly got up from my own bed and walked the short distance to his, very cautious about where I seated myself. I settled with sitting quite the distance from him, almost on the other end of the bed. I wouldn't risk getting too close when he was in this state.

"I'm not pretending. Now please tell me whats wrong, why are you acting like this?" I tried, cautious of my words as well as the volume and tone of my voice.

He backed himself up and sat against the wall, pulling his legs up to his chest as he always did and hiding his face in his hands. I could clearly see his whole body shaking violently and his sobs were growing louder.

"Please.. stop it.. just please stop talking to me.." He desperately tried through his sobs. My heart swelled with sympathy, I was confused as to what was going on but all I knew was the one I cared about was in pain and I needed to help, despite the words that had been said. That aside, I simply needed to help.

"No,Levi i'm not going to stop until you tell me why your so worked up." I said in a more serious tone, but it still held the air of comfort. Or at least I hoped that much.

"You don't care." He scoffed bitterly, and I had to hold back an exasperated sigh.

"Levi listen to me. I do care about you, I care about you so damn much. How can you not see that?" I said.

He looked up at me through his tears, an expression of assumably shock taking over his features, then it faltered and broke into the most heart wrenching look of pain I had ever seen. And before I knew it, he practically leaped across the bed and clung to me tightly, wrapping his arms around my body and burying his face in the crook of my neck. I could feel the warmth of his tears soaking through the fabric of my shirt and the heat of his uneven shaky breaths as he sobbed.

I didn't question it at all, he had comforted me so many times and now was my time to return the favor. No matter how nasty he had acted today, he was always kind to me before, and I will never forget that. I brought my arms up around him and held him as tightly as I could, I could feel his shaking violently in my arms and the sound of his broken sobs nearly brought me to tears. But no, I had to be strong for him.

I fixed our position to be more comfortable since I knew we'd probably be in it for some time, so I moved him slightly so that he was seated in my lap, his legs wrapped loosely around my waist. I then began rocking back and forth slowly in an attempt to comfort him and my hand found its way up to thread into his surprisingly silky raven hair. I couldn't help but to notice how pleasant the fuzz of his undercut felt underneath my finger tips as I stroked his hair slowly.

I had no idea just how long we sat there as I swayed us back and forth while he cried a steady stream of tears on my shoulder, but I knew it had been quite sometime. I began to feel his shaking calm down gradually until he was perfectly still, and his sobs evened out to nothing but a faint memory that still clung to the air around us. Even after he had calmed down, he still clung to me. And I had no problem with that at all.

"Who gave you the right to come in here and steal my heart?" He said quietly after moving his head so that his chin was resting on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he had meant to say that out loud or not because it surely didn't sound like something Levi would say, but there's no doubt that I heard it.

"How could you say such a thing after how you treated me earlier?"

He pulled away to look into my eyes, bringing his arms up to hang loosely around my neck, and I noticed there was something different in his eyes.

"I said all that because I wanted you to hate me and leave me. I didn't want you to have to be stuck with all my bullshit that I knew I would force on you if we were to take this any further. I didn't mean it, I wanted to protect you and myself as well. But you had to go and be so damn persistent."

I cocked my head slightly. "How are you protecting yourself by doing that? Aren't you just hurting yourself?"

He sighed, hesitating with his words. "No because I know your just gonna hurt me like everyone else." He said, glancing away from me and seemingly focusing his attention on the sheets beside us.

"Listen," I began softly, cupping his smooth pale cheek in my hand and gently making it so he had to look at me as I continued. "I promise I won't hurt you. I just want to help you."

"That's a pretty heavy promise, I don't believe you." He said with a light scoff. I brushed my thumb over his smooth flesh, I could still feel the dryness where his tears had once trailed.

"Then I guess i'm just gonna have to prove it, aren't I?"

He gave no response after that, just silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable or tense silence, it was actually quite comforting. And it was then I knew what I wanted to do next. I gazed into his eyes for a few long moments, admiring the beautiful shade of deep blue they were and how amazing they looked this close.

I inched my face closer to his, and I could feel his body tense momentarily under my hands, but it soon relaxed and I watched as he began to close his eyes slowly. I took this as my green light, my heart fluttered wildly in my chest as I moved closer and closer until my lips met his own slightly dry ones.

I took a second to remember how to even do this, but it came naturally and it soon became easier. I felt him responding to the kiss, and I hadn't noticed before that he too seemed to be inexperienced at this. I wondered briefly if last night has also been his first kiss as well. I would like to think that, it made it so much more special.

Each movement sent a fresh shock of pleasurable electricity through my veins, and with time the kiss gradually grew a little bit deeper. It had simply started by Levi experimentally darting his tongue out gently, running it across my bottom lip. It felt strange, but also good. So I decided to do the same, running my own tongue across his before resuming kissing him innocently for the most part, but a bit more passionate.

It was still too innocent of a kiss to be classified as a french kiss, but it was still an amazing feeling and something about it felt so special, my heart rate sped up each time I felt his tongue against mine and I felt that flutter in the pit of my stomach every time his hands made the slightest change of position on my back.

By the time we pulled away from each other, we were both out of breath. He stared deep into each others eyes, and in that moment I felt something in my heart. I somewhat knew what this feeling was, but I didn't address it at the moment. I was still slightly paranoid and this feeling is what got me in trouble last night as well.

"Eren, lets sleep in your bed." He said, rubbing my back gently.

"Why?" I questioned, I really hadn't meant to say it since I didn't think about it, but I was thankful it was a good word choice this time at least.

"Because, your not gonna fall asleep in my bed and then I have to go through the trouble of waking your ass up and getting you to your bed before the guard comes to wake us up. This way I can just move on my own since I don't sleep." He said. "This place has a zero tolerance for same sex patients having relationships like this, Jean and Marco had to learn that the hard way."

I took a moment to process what had been told to me before speaking. "I figured those two were a thing. But what happened to them?" I asked

"From what they told everyone, they got locked in solitary for 3 days, different rooms of course, and their rooms were threatens to be switched if anyone caught them together like that again. Which is really stupid if you ask me, its easy to hide if your smart about it. like i'm being, so come on." He began to move so he was no longer seated on my lap, and I helped my removing myself from under him.

I laid down first, pulling back the covers so Levi could lay under them with me. I wanted to be the one to hold him this time since I knew he needed it the most. He seemed to be acting normal, but there was no denying that the ice cold man that pretended to hate me had broken down before my eyes and sleeked comfort from me. And there was no denying that he liked me as much as I liked him.

He settled himself on his side facing me, I pulled him as close as possible and at this particular moment I was thankful that he happened to be much smaller than me. It made it a lot easier to hold him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled his face into my chest, I felt my heart skip a beat.

I was so content, even more content than I had been last night. And though I could never be sure what to expect from him, I did feel more assured that his feelings were true. Something about the way he looked at me felt different tonight, I saw something in his eyes that was never there before and I felt something I never felt before. I could only hope he was feeling the same thing.

No words were exchanged, we just laid in this comfortable silence with each other, his body heat radiating into my own body in this drastically cold room was so comfortable, and it didn't take much for me to fall asleep. And once again, no nightmares plagued me that night. And this time I knew it was because I had Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this with Say Something by A Great Big World playing on repeat, and I may or may not have gotten a little (Very) emotional while writing the pre-kiss scene and during. Idk that song fits the mood for this chapter.  
> And yes, I have been tossing around the idea of Eren developing an eating disorder around in my mind for a while, and I last minute decided to go through with it since it is A, something I can write well with from experience, and B, end up being a good bit of drama to go off of for future chapters since I have only a slight idea of where i'm going with this.  
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed! As always, please leave a comment if your interested in me continuing! The positiveity absolutely makes me day!~


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just apologize in advance for the incredibly long chapter, I hadn't exactly intended for it to get this long, I had actually thought it would turn out short but oh well. Levis crime is reviled in this so at least we're making progress here. Also tw for eating disorders.  
> As always, I hope you like it! Enjoy~

I could faintly hear someone calling out through my hazy half conscious mind, but I couldn't make out what was being said. I was so tired, no matter how hard I tried to open my eyes, I failed. Damn it, what time do they even wake us up and how long do we have to sleep? It felt like 10 minutes. My eye lids felt like bricks and as the voice, feminine I had just noticed, called out louder, I groaned.

I forced myself to open my eyes, and the voice was no longer there. I tried to move, though I noticed two arms were still wrapped tightly around me. I couldn't help but smile a little. As sleep slowly faded away and my consciousness came back, I noticed something. Why was I awake? And who was that voice I heard?

I looked over, only to be absolutely terrified. There right in front of my face was Hanji, grinning like a madman from ear to ear. I jumped back with a yelp of shock, waking Levi in the process, and backed into a corner. The last thing I expected to see was Hanji of all people 3 inches from my face first thing when I wake up.

"Oh what do we have here?~" She stood up straight and placed her hands on her hips, looking down at us with amused eyes and that never faltering grin.

Levi looked at me, then up at her, seemingly just now becoming aware of reality. His expression contorted into one of rage as he glared up at her, and her expression remained the same. I was becoming more and more confused, why had Levi still been in my bed? And more importantly, how the hell did Hanji get in here?

"What the fuck are you doing in here?!" He growled, pushing himself up in a sitting position. She smirked incredibly wider.

"I think the question is, what are you doing over here?" She chimed with a knowing tone that seemed to piss Levi off even more and pointed at my bed.

"No, how did you get in here? Tell me now." he deadpanned. All I could do was sit back and watch the whole thing unfold.

"Fine, I got put on wake up duty for good behavior. Now answer my question." She crossed her arms, continuing to look him dead in the eyes with sheer amusement behind her deep brown orbs.

"Sounds like more of a punishment. And its none of your business." He finally broke the eye contact between her and himself, instead casting his glare down at the bed sheets in front him him. His face was angled in a way that Hanji couldn't see the faint pink dusting his cheeks, but I still saw.

"Oh?~ I knew there was something going on between you two! With the way you look at him while hes not paying attention~ I just knew you had a soft heart Le-"

"Shut the hell up and leave!" He snapped, crossing his arms over his chest and huffing a irritated sigh.

"Hm, that's no way to talk to me after I practically saved your ass from getting a very harsh punishment. Both of you, actually. You know how this place is about homosexuality." Her expression was suddenly more serious, the expression change had took less than .5 seconds, though there was still a hint of certain insanity behind her eyes.

"You wouldn't tell, you better fucking not." His tone dropped a bit lower, and she instantly bent forward to be eye level with him. I couldn't help but jump back at her sudden action.

"Your right, I wouldn't~ Just get up and be ready for breakfast before your late." And just like that the serious expression was gone and replaced by that eerily happy one. She looked over at me. "I'm surprised you actually managed to get Levi to like you, but I suppose there's somebody for everybody~"

She reached forward to ruffle Levis hair. I could physically see him tense with anger, he brought his hand up to slap her own away though before he could do so she had already turned on her heel and was walking out with a particular bounce in her step. And with that she was gone.

It took me quite a few moments to fully process what had just happened, it was too early in the morning for this. I could hear Levi let out a heavy sigh, I looked over to see him rubbing his temples with frustration, his eyes closed and eye brows furrowed.

"She is such a pain in the ass." He said after another deep, irritated sigh.

"Well at least it was her to find us and not a guard. And I though you said you didn't sleep.." I trailed off at the end, hoping to get it across as a question.

"I don't. I don't even remember falling asleep but apparently I did." He reopened his eyes and let his hands drop from his face to his side. I had to think for a bit if it was smart to ask my next question, I really didn't want to piss him off more. But even with that said, I decided to because I really needed to know.

"So are we for real this time?" I questioned a bit quieter than I had intended, but I couldn't help it. He looked over at me.

"What do you mean?" He said.

"I mean are you going to just turn suddenly cold again, or are you going to stay with me?" I voiced the clarification a bit louder this time, and I don't know why I was fearing an answer. I felt an anxious lurch in my stomach as I waited for his reply, I could never be sure with him.

"Eren," His expression softened a bit, and I stayed silent. "Do you think it was fucking easy for me to do that? Because it really wasn't." He said in a softer tone of voice, similar to the one he used while comforting me. I took his silence as an indicator that it was my turn to speak.

"Then why would you do it?" I asked, and he sighed once more.

"I did it because I thought it was best for both of us not to talk to each other, and I still think that. But you make it so damn hard to do that and I honestly can't keep myself away from you anymore."  
My heart absolutely melted and I felt that strange feeling again, the same feeling I felt last night while we kissed. I simply wanted to leap forward and latch onto him.

"That was actually really sweet.." I said honestly, a faint smile playing across my lips.

"Yeah, well you better feel special because I don't go around saying shit like that to anyone. And you better not fuckin' tell anyone I said it or I swear to God Eren." He sounded so serious and I couldn't keep myself from chuckling lightly, it was endearing in his own little way.

"I won't, don't worry." I replied, and he didn't respond after that. We sat in comfortable silence for a few heavenly moments, before reality slapped me in the face. "Shit, we need to hurry up and get dressed!"

Levi sighed as I hurriedly got to my feet and rushed to my dresser, but as I stood I felt an overwhelming dizziness and my vision went black for a moment or two. I stopped in my tracks to regain my composure, feeling as if I was about to fall to the floor. I placed a hand on my head as my proper balance came back as well as my vision.

"Are you alright? I heard Levi call out from behind me, I could hear the tracks of concern threaded in his tone.

I took a breath and continued on my way to my dresser, though feeling slightly weak as I walked. I wasn't sure why it was happening but I didn't like it. "Yeah, i'm fine."

I heard quiet and rather slow foot steps behind me as I sifted through my drawer for a proper outfit. I decided on a green hoodie and grey sweats. I placed the outfit on the top of my dresser and very quickly stripped myself, half because it was cold as fuck in here and half because I was in a rush, having no desire at all to experience the punishment Levi had told me about first hand. Though it felt a bit colder than usual today.

"Are you sure your okay?" He questioned as I pulled on my sweats, I pulled the waist band up to my stomach and rolled it down a bit, since they were a bit too long for me.

"Yes, I just stood up too quick is all." Yeah, that's what it was. It had to be, it was common in everyone. I didn't know the science behind it, but i'm sure that's what it was.

Once I had finished pulling on my light weight green hoodie, I turned around. I felt oddly exhausted from holding my arms above my head for some time, but I was in too much of a hurry to concern myself with why. Levi had already been done dressing, as he always was before I turned around. He wore a tight fitting black long sleeve V neck shirt and black jeans that fit him well. I had never noticed how good he looked in certain things, but I sure as hell did now.

I tore my eyes away as to not stare for so long and reached out for the door handle. "We shout get g-" I was cut off mid sentence and caught completely off guard by Levi suddenly pulling me into his arms, leaning up on his toes to place a kiss on my lips.

I didn't hesitate to kiss back, wrapping my arms around him and leaning down a bit so he could stand level once more. The kiss was short lived, but pleasant none the less and I found myself disappointed when he had pulled away.

"What was that for?" I questioned, my hands slowly falling back to my own side. He shrugged.

"I just wanted to do it now that I finally can." Was his reply before he reached out to open the door, holding it for me to walk out after him.

I glanced over at him as we walked down the hall, he seemed to be wearing a very faint smirk across his lips, I had to look twice to be sure it was there. But it definitely was. I could feel my face burning with the dark blush that was no doubt there, and I tried to will it away before we had to sit with the others. Though my lips still tingled from where he had been only moments ago, and that thought only served to worsen my blush.

But as we walked, I did notice a far less pleasant feeling. It was slightly hard to walk, each step feeling as if it exhausted me more and more. I also noticed a mild headache beginning, it felt as if a lot of pressure was being put to both sides of my head. I could feel my stomach growling, and that's when I came to the conclusion that I feel this way because I didn't eat at all yesterday. I didn't like it one bit, my stomach practically burned with hunger and it was legitimately hard to walk, my legs felt too weak and heavy. It was an odd sensation and hard to explain, but I've surely never felt it before.

I found myself anticipating when we finally got into the cafeteria, I couldn't wait to finally eat in hopes of this feeling going away. Levi didn't question it when I walked faster than usual (as fast as I could at the moment, at least) to get to the food bar. My stomach growled again as I poured the cereal into the glass bowl, milk to follow and then a silver spoon. I hadn't paid much mind to where or what Levi was doing, I was far too focused on eating.

I quickly walked over to our usual table and took a seat, followed by Levi. Everyone was there as usual, Hanji and Marco gave an enthusiastic greeting while Sasha waved and Connie gave a polite nod of acknowledgment in my direction, of course Jean refused to even look at me. I barley bothered to give a proper greeting before bringing a spoonful of cereal to my lips and eating.

It felt odd to eat after so long, it was as if my taste buds had been shocked when something with an actual flavor made contact with them, though not that this particular cereal had much of a distinct flavor. My stomach instantly demanded more as I swallowed the first bite and I had to struggle not to eat so quick around other people, I felt uncomfortable eating around others as it was.

 

"So Eren," Said Hanji, and I looked up from my food to hear exactly what she had to say. "Did you sleep well?" She smirked, looking me directly in the eyes.

I was growing slightly uncomfortable as I remembered what had happened earlier, I was a bit too focused on Levi and my hunger to pay any mind to the odd occurrence. I just hoped that she wouldn't tell everyone in the damn room about what she saw, I wasn't sure if I could really trust her given her personality in general.

"I guess so.." I answered, a bit nervous and I hoped that much didn't show in my tone. I was relieved when she looked away from me, though only to fixate it on Levi next to me, well this was going to be interesting.

"And you Levi?~" She asked, her smirk growing into a knowing grin that I knew was irritating Levi to an impossible extent. I could practically feel the irritation radiating off of him.

"Piss off." He replied shortly, not even bothering to look back up at her as he spoke and she laughed, probably a bit too loudly.

"I'll take that as a yes." She leaned forward on her elbows, continuing to stare at him knowingly. 

I could tell he was getting angrier and angrier by the second, which was bad for me since i'll be on the receiving end of his newly found bad mood for the day. I wanted to say something to get her to let up, but really there was nothing I could say that wouldn't raise suspicion. As far as everyone knew she was simply being polite and Levi was being his usual self, and i'd rather keep it that way.

Then again who would really care? Jean and Marco are a thing, Sasha knows everything since I told her yesterday, and I don't think Connie would much care either. So I suppose I wouldn't mind too much if we were to get exposed to just this small group since they would most likely be accepting, but I don't know exactly how Levi would feel about that.

Realizing that I probably didn't have much time left to eat, I re focused all my attention to my food. Though I was surprised to find I had already ate it all without really realizing. My head did feel a little better, it felt as if the pressure had been lifted and all that was left was a dull ache that would most likely go away soon also. I didn't feel hungry, but I didn't feel full either. But I did feel a bit guilty about eating, I knew how fucked up it really was but I didn't have any control over it.

I mentally shook my head and tried to force the guilt away, I was aware that I shouldn't be thinking like this but the thoughts were far too hard to simply push away. I began to feel the familiar ache inside of depression, and I could actually feel my mood being dragged further and further down until I was in the self-hating mood where all I wanted to do was cry and hide from the world around me.

All I could think of now was my body image that I was far less than happy with, and how anyone could ever love me. I tried desperately to pull myself out of these thoughts multiple times, I didn't want to think like this, I didn't like spending hours on end hating myself and thinking only of things I wished to change about myself; but I knew better too. When the thoughts came, they wouldn't leave. And all I wanted to do was cry.

I had managed to get so lost in my deadly thought process that I forgot exactly where I was, and I jumped as a loud booming voice announced the end of breakfast and ordered us to move to the recreation room, just as he did every morning. Without a word to anyone, I stood up and began walking away, not bothering to say goodbyes or even push in my chair. I hadn't meant to rudely leave Levi behind, but I did in favor of finding a quiet spot to sulk in my thoughts.

"Hey, wait for me asshole." He suddenly appeared beside me half way down the hall, there wasn't any traces of malice in his tone and I knew he didn't mean it to be offensive, but given my current mood I still took it to heart.

"Sorry.." I said simply and quietly in response, not having the will to take the conversation further than that.

"Are you okay?" His tone was suddenly more serious, and while I appreciated his concern I would rather he stay in his bad mood so I don't have to talk. God I just don't want to talk to anyone because if I do i'm going to start crying.

"Yes, i'm fine." I replied as we walked into the recreation room, not bothering to look at him because I knew my eyes would betray my words. 

"Don't lie to me Eren." He sat on the couch and looked directly up into my eyes. I looked away instantly.

"I'm not lying." I lied, sitting far away from him out of habit.

"Why are you sitting so damn far?"

"Oh, I don't know.. habit I guess." I replied, and it was actually the truth leaving my mouth this time. I could see him crossing his arms out of the corner of my eyes.

"Get over here." He demanded more than requested, and I complied without question because one, I didn't have the energy to question anything at the moment, and two, I didn't mind sitting close to him at all. In fact if the circumstances with my mood had been different at the moment, I would probably be really happy.

I scooted closer, leaving only a small gap between us. I didn't look at him, I kept my eyes forward on the t.v that continuously played black and white cartoons, though of course I wasn't really paying attention to it. But I could feel his eyes on me, burning a hole through me. I knew for a fact he knew that I was in a bad mood, but I did not at all want to talk about it and if I were to look over at him I knew the concern that was surely in his eyes would make me break down.

"Okay seriously, your not okay. Whats wrong?" He questioned, and again I refused to look at him which I could tell was bothering him.

"I said I was fine, can we just leave it at that?" I replied and prayed to whatever god was out there that the crack in my voice towards the end went unnoticed, though that was unlikely with someone as observant as Levi.

He grumbled and quite a few rather tense moments passed before I felt the couch shift followed by a pair of soft lips quickly being pressed against my cheek before they disappeared as quickly as they came. I did look over to him this time to be sure that actually just happened, though this time he was the one not looking. I noticed a faint pink dusting his cheeks.

"Levi.."

"Shut up. Just stop being sad, okay?" He said, his tone wasn't gentle and caring at all, but his words were in his own way.

The pink on his cheeks deepened a shade as he spoke, and honestly it was really cute. But still not enough to cheer me up. I think we both knew very well that I didn't plan on suddenly getting happy, but my mood was still ever so slightly lifted.

"Yeah.. okay." Was my only reply to that, I wanted to be more enthusiastic since he didn't deserve my foul mood, but I just couldn't.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" He asked.

"No, i'll be fine so just don't worry about me." I was being stubborn, and it briefly occurred to me how I always tried to help him, telling him talking makes things better, but I never practice what I preach. I would much rather deal with my horrid mind on my own.

"Do you wanna go hang out with the others?" He tried.

"No, I don't want to talk to anyone."

"You don't have to talk, sometimes it just helps to be around others y'know. I'll come with you?" He offered and I shook my head.

"Thanks but no, I don't think that'll help at all." I said honestly, I really did appreciate his effort, though. It was always nice when he showed concern, it gives assurance that I really needed at the moment.

He sighed, seeming to give up on the topic. I was a bit relieved that he dropped it, the thought of talking anymore was so tiring. Quite a while of silence passed, and we both remained still during that time, not saying a word and honestly I liked it that way at the moment. I managed to get lost in thought once more and I almost didn't notice when an arm slipped itself around my shoulder.

Suddenly becoming aware of reality once more. I looked over at him, unsure of how to react since I wasn't at all expecting him to make physical contact in an open area such as this. What if someone saw? I wasn't as concerned with getting caught, I was more over concerned with judgment. But it was still a comforting gesture none the less.

"What are you doing?" I couldn't help but to question. He looked over to me, our faces now extremely close.

"What does it look like?" Came his sarcastic reply and he rolled his eyes, turning his head to face forward once more. I was still a bit hesitant to relax.

"Aren't you afraid of someone seeing us?" I questioned, honestly curious because he didn't seem like the type to be comfortable with people knowing anything about him, especially not his relationships.

He scoffed lightly. "Why would I be? I don't really care. Why, do you mind?" He asked and I quickly shook my head.

"No not at all, I just.." I trailed off and decided to shut my mouth because I had no idea where I was even going with it so I cut myself off before I began to mindlessly ramble, a bad habit of mine sometimes.

After it was apparent Levi had no intention of replying, I sighed and let myself relax a bit, leaning my head on his shoulder. It felt nice to sit with him like this, but I still wasn't in the best of moods. I hadn't really noticed, but this interaction had managed to take my mind off things for at least a short while but now that I had no further distractions, I was left with only my mind again.

I didn't want it to be that way, I didn't want to just sit here and be eaten alive my my own mind but it was near impossible to pull myself up into a decent mood once i'm already in this deep. These particular bouts of depression normally passed after quite a while, and I wanted so desperately for it to hurry up and go away or for something to happen to make me feel at least a little better, but I knew there was nothing that could do just that.

I mentally sighed and miserably lifted my head to look up at Levi, though his eyes seemed to be fixated in a hard staring contest with something on the other end of the room, he didn't look pleased with whatever he saw, so out of curiosity I followed his gaze until I found the source of his irritation. Sitting in a chair at the table on the other end of the room was none other than Hanji, staring directly at him with the same knowing grin, but it was a lot wider this time.

I looked back up at him, and his expression seemed to harden drastically. So I then switched my eyes back to her, and it seemed she was mock swooning over dramatically in her seat. She placed a hand over her heart as if she saw something truly endearing and mouthed something out to him. I looked back to him to see what his reaction would be, only to see his face had somehow managed to contort further in irritation, and he looked a hell of a lot scarier than normal.

I felt his arm shift around my shoulder briefly before settling once more. I glanced to the side to find that he had given her the middle finger, and I almost laughed at how easily pissed off he could get. I brought my hand up to push down his finger and looked back at him.

"Calm down." I said in a slightly more lighted tone, keeping my hand over his for a few more moments than necessary before letting it drop back to my side. I looked over to her once more to find that she had resumed her conversations with everyone as if nothing happened.

"She is such a pain in the ass and that smug grin of hers fuckin' pisses me off." His voice was monotone, besides the tracks of extreme annoyance that was hinted every few words. He furrowed his eyebrows, his face set in what seemed to be a pout.

And I absolutely hated myself for it but I cracked a smile against my will for a second before I became aware of the fact and forced it right off my face as soon as it came. I set my mouth back in an emotionless line and hoped he hadn't noticed.  
But of course, he has to notice everything.

"I saw that don't pretend you didn't just smile." He said, a bit more emotion leaking through his tone this time. 

"Shut up no I didn't." I knew there was no use in lying but here I was trying anyways. I felt him lean his own head on mine and he sighed.

"Don't lie yes you did, and while I don't approve of why, you still did it and that makes me happy." He said quietly, I could hear that he was a bit hesitant to add the last part, but the fact that he said it made my heart do that flip thing again.

"It makes you happy?" I questioned, not able to control the lurch in my stomach as I spoke and I wasn't quite sure if I liked that feeling or not.

"Does it surprise you that things make me happy?" 

"No, its just weird to hear you say it. Why can't you always be this sweet?" I said, unable to help myself from nuzzling my face against his shoulder.

"You act like i'm always a dick." He scoffed and of course I didn't think before voicing my next sentence.

"You are kinda rude sometimes.." I said honestly, and it wasn't just sometimes. It was most of the time since I got here.

"Not to you."

"You were before."

He sighed. "Well that was before."

"Still." 

"Eren." He said.

"Hmm?"

"Shush before you ruin the nice moment."

I took his advice and kept quiet, simply enjoying his company and ignoring everything else around us. And while I still wasn't happy, I felt a bit more content. Talking did help a little, though not talking about my problems since I knew that would worsen them, but just talking to him lifted my spirits even if in the slightest way possible.

I found it pretty hard to believe that a few days ago I was simply an acquaintance of his, and now we were so close. It was almost too good to be true, but I did realize one thing. I still barley new anything about him. I could be falling for a mass murderer and I wouldn't even know it. But even if he was, I wouldn't much care. Though I still liked to believe that he was here for a similar case to mine, a simple accident. My mind was more at ease that way even if it was true or not, but what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

But I still did have the desire to know, he was an unreadable type of person so I couldn't make any assumptions on his crime. There was no way of telling if he had the mind to kill someone on purpose or not. I would have believed he could when I had first met him, but now I was kind of doubting that. But then again I still didn't really know what to think of the matter because I didn't know him all that well in truth.

The end of free time came far too soon for my liking, I was perfectly content just sitting there in comfortable silence with him. So when I heard that heavy metal door fly open followed by a loud male voice announcing dinner, needless to say I jumped straight out of his arms and nearly out of my skin. I hadn't been expecting the announcement since it seemed to come far too soon. I groaned irritably at the loss of comfort and reluctantly got to my feet once everyone else including Levi did so.

I walked as close as possible to Levi, needing to feel his presence next to me again. I honestly wasn't looking forward to dinner, I was still in no mood to be around anyone but Levi, because Levi was different. I never minded his presence since he knew when to shut up and simply be there. While everyone else always tried to talk to me, and at the moment I dreaded the thought of conversation with anyone but Levi. I had managed to get into a slightly better mood, but the sadness and frustration was still there.

And as we walked into the cafeteria I remembered it was also the day we had to take showers, which only served to worsen my mood since I hated being butt ass naked if front of every male patient in this ward. My insecurity's shot through the roof the moment I stepped into that room and I always rushed to hurry up and get clean and get out.

I was hungry, but I made a point to get a bit less food that usual because I figured I should only eat what I need and not over eat. The food here wasn't too desirable anyways and also not too healthy might I add. I never really cared about that aspect until recently. I caught sight of Levi glancing down at my plate and then shooting me a weird look, probably questioning how I had gotten noticeably less food.

"Your not eating as much as usual?" He said with a quizzical glare and I simply shrugged it off.

"I'm not that hungry." It was a lie, I was pretty hungry in all honesty but I felt the desire to suddenly eat less for reasons I knew i'd have to psychologically address later on.

"You didn't eat at all yesterday though." His glare never relented and it made me begin to feel slightly uncomfortable, it was as if he could see straight through me.

"I was too upset to eat." It was the truth this time at least, I was truly too upset to have an appetite. By no means was I purposely not eating, I knew better.

"Mhm, you better not be lying or so help me Eren." He threatened and I simply rolled my eyes and scoffed, why was he so damn concerned anyway? It was just one day.

When I sat down most everyone greeted me as usual, and no one said a thing to Levi. Besides Hanji who was making teasing remarks towards him and he just rolled his eyes and ignored her. Which was quite surprising that he had held his tongue for once since his usual comebacks consisted of a colorful array of curse words and threats. It was pretty sad honestly, how no one here seemed to be too fond of him. Maybe if they had given him as much of a chance as I had, he wouldn't be as bitter. Or maybe they had, I didn't really have a way of knowing for sure.

I ate in total silence, everyone managed to pick up on my mood and wisely decided to fuck off for the time being. I sat still and wordless, poking around my food and taking a few bites every now and again, but mostly only when Levi elbowed me in the ribs rather harshly and gave me a warning glare that was demanding for me to stop fucking around and eat. It was as if he could practically read my exact though process as of late and it was freaky how he was already picking up on something that was barley there.

I felt an odd sense of satisfaction when dinner was already over and I had only managed to eat 3/4 of my plates contents. With a glance at my plate and back to me, Levi didn't look exactly pleased with how much was left but he didn't seem too upset by it either. I responded to his glare with a shrug and began walking in the direction we were being pointed towards. 

At the end of the hall, by the doors to the recreation room was where the entrance to the showers was. When you first walk in, there was a room filled with lockers, but we never used them so I often questioned why they were there. Probably from past usage, I always concluded. Attached to the locker room was another door that lead to the actual shower room. Inside the room was completely white, just as everything else in this damn place. 

The stalls were open which provided little to no privacy and as if the exposure wasn't unpleasant enough, the water was almost always cold as hell. This entire place seemed to be cold. We all left our clothes on the floor of the locker room and I always wondered where they went and how they got back to us, and I had to ask Levi at some point. I felt pretty stupid when he had to explain that there were tags with our personal number and room number attached to the inside, I wasn't sure how I never noticed that before.

I was already fucking freezing by the time I stripped and it made it worse when I stepped into the actual shower room, the white tile was unpleasantly cool against my bare feet and I could practically feel the cold water now. It sucked, so I rushed to finish up and get the hell out. 

I was often one of the first people to leave, but what sucked about that was that as I made my way to the exit it felt as if all eyes were on me, and it made me incredibly insecure. If I could, I would run out as fast as I could but that wouldn't be very smart since I would probably end up busting my ass and attracting more attention.

I grabbed the towel attached to the outside of the stall and wrapped it around my waist, hurriedly walking out of the room and through the locker room to the halls. Guards were always posted at the end of the halls to be sure we couldn't go anywhere but the shower room and our own rooms. All the doors on both sides were wide open for us to access without the help of a guard and I was incredibly grateful that our room wasn't that great of a distance form the showers.

I stepped in and shut the door only slightly so that Levi was still able to step in, but still closed enough for considerable privacy as I got dressed. I didn't really pick an outfit, I just got out whatever since I was cold to the point of shivering and all I wanted was something warm. I ended up grabbing a black over sized hoodie and comfortable light grey sweat pants, I pulled them on as fast as I could and picked up my towel once more, using it to dry my hair off a bit more before tossing it outside into the hall for the staff to collect later.

I remembered to grab the black marker from the bottom of my top drawer, walking over to my bed and leaning over to the wall. I marked two thin lines next to all the others since I had forgotten to do one last night. I boosted myself off the bed once more and buried the marker under my clothes quickly before making my way back over to my bed and sitting in the middle.

It wasn't much later that Levi slipped into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist, shutting the door behind him and wordlessly turning to his dresser. I never had much of a problem ignoring him as he got dressed when I finished before him, but it was pretty hard now since I had begun seeing him in a whole new light. I felt embarrassed by the fact I couldn't tear my eyes away from him as he shuffled through his drawers to find an outfit, I payed attention to how his back muscles shifted with every move.

I instinctively jerked my head away once he began to drop his towel, I could feel my face heating up as the urge to look once more crept up and bugged me till I found myself glancing up once more. He had been in the process of pulling his pants up over his underwear that he had managed to put on while I was busy blushing half to death.

I covered my face with my hands and took a silent deep breath, I could feel the sheer heat of my face on my palms and I tried my hardest to will away the deep red painting my cheeks before he turned around and called me on it. I wasn't sure if he would really mind that much, but it was still embarrassing none the less.

It was a damn near miracle that I managed to compose myself just as he was turning around after putting on a black slim fitting shirt, a common appearance in his wardrobe. He payed me no mind while he made his way to his own bed and sat down with his back against the wall, a position he often took for a big percentage of the night, and looked at me.

"Are you feeling okay now?" He questioned, but something was off about his tone. It didn't sound normal, and though there really wasn't a sense of normal with him since he could be unpredictable, it was still off.

I nodded. "Yeah now I am." I answered, and it was the truth. I did feel a little better. I wasn't necessarily sad or pissed off anymore, it was more of a certain numbness that I knew would also eventually wear off.

"That's good." He said, using that same tone of voice and it was beginning to bother me. He didn't sound right.

"Are you okay?" I decided to address it, since he did his best to make me feel better I figured I should do the same for him.

He looked up at me for a moment before looking away and pulling his legs up to his chest. Yep, something was definitely not right. That was often his tell that something was off when he took that position.

"Not really I just.." He began, though seeming to hesitate for a moment before pushing himself to continue. "I think your getting a false image of me and it's been bothering me." He kept his eyes fixed down at his knees.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, not fully grasping just what he meant by that.

"I mean you don't really know me and what I've done. I just don't want you to think of me as some sort of fucking saint or something and then hate me when you find out.." He truly did sound like he was struggling with his words and I could tell it was taking a lot out of him to tell me this.

From the sound of it, he had to be referring to his crime, what he did to get here. I always thought it couldn't be that bad, but he sure was making it sound bad with all this hesitation and it was honestly scaring me a bit. I had no idea what he was capable of and what he was going to tell me could really range from accidentally killing someone to viciously murdering 30 people. I wasn't sure how much this would change my view on him or if it would at all, but I was still curious and he obviously needed to get it out.

"Are you comfortable telling me?" I tried gently, making sure to keep good control over my tone of voice as far as keeping it soft and careful. He took a while to respond.

"No because I know your gonna hate me."

"Levi I could never hate you, no matter what you did." That was the honest truth. Could it change my view on him a bit? Sure maybe. Could his past make me hate him? No, never.

"Yeah easy for you to say now." I could sense his mood plummeting and I got the feeling he was about to shut down on me again, so I tried desperately to prevent it.

"What if I told you what I did, would that make you more comfortable?" I hadn't fully thought it through before voicing it, and I slightly regretted it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell anyone and I was scared of him seeing my differently after he knows. I just hoped it would work in both our favors and make him feel more comfortable.

He looked up at me, mild shock showing through his eyes. He probably hadn't been expecting my offer. "Maybe, if your ready to that is."

I felt a lurch of anxiousness in my stomach and took my time getting to my feet and walking over to seat myself on his bed, wanting to be face to face for the confession. I felt nervous, nervous to the point where I felt like backing out. A lot because I didn't want to address the reality of what I did even though I was forced to every night. But saying it out loud and admitting it fully to myself and another was different. I took a deep shaky breath.

"Okay i'll tell you. But i'm honestly a bit scared.." I admitted

"If you don't want to, don't force yourself to. But either way I won't think of you any differently." He assured in a slightly softer tone, inching a bit closer to me.

"No it fine, you'd find out at some point anyways." I said, taking another shaky breath before beginning. "Well It started when I heard a lot of yelling and arguing coming from the kitchen. My parents always argued but it was different this time, a lot more heated I guess. Then I heard my mom scream so of course I got up and ran to see what had happened." I sat in a similar position to Levi, not looking at him as I told my story.

"I saw my dad pointing a loaded gun at mom, I was so scared. He had always been abusive to mom, my sister, and I but I never though he would do something like that. I was terrified of him, but I had to do something or he would kill my mom. So I tried to grab the gun from behind, I struggled with it for some time but my finger ended up slipping and.." I was loosing my composure quickly as I got deeper into it until I couldn't hold in my tears anymore.

"And I shot him in the head.. I fucking killed my own dad and mom started screaming at me, calling me such horrid names that I now know are completely true. She ran to call the cops and I figured that my fate was sealed so I might as well just kill myself on the spot since I thought I was going to jail anyways. I used a broken mirror shard that was on the ground to slit my wrist and that's all I remember because next thing I knew I was here."

"Every night that scene replays in my nightmares, and I just wish that it never happened. I feel like shit all the time for what I did.. I just want to take it all back.." I was sobbing by the time I finally finished and Levi had scooted over next to me and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. 

I was scared to look up at him, fearing to see a mortified expression similar to my mothers that night. But when I finally brought myself to do so, he didn't seem too effected by it. He seemed to have more sympathy than anything for me, and that much was a relief. I buried my face back into his chest and clung to him tightly.

"Was it really an accident?" He asked. What the hell kind of question was that? Of course it was, why would I lie? I nodded.

"Do you believe me?" I mumbled into the fabric of his shirt. I felt his hand come up to thread itself in my slightly damp hair.

"I believe you. I also believe that you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, because forgive me if it offends you but if your dad was going to kill her, he deserved what he got." He said a bit cautiously, seeming to choose his words carefully.

I suppose he was right, but I still felt horrible about it no matter what he says. I felt bad for hurting mom by taking the life of her husband, and Mikasa for taking the life of her father. And the fact that Mikasa probably had to see both her lifeless dad and brother laying on the floor. I felt absolutely horrible and I payed for what I had done every night.

"I guess your right.." I began after composing myself enough to pull away form him and speak properly. "But i'd rather not talk about it anymore if that's okay. Now do you feel okay with telling me?"

I could see a look of fear cross his face for a few moments before he looked away and sighed, moving so he was sitting right in front of me. "Your gonna hate me."

"Levi i'm not going to hate you, no matter what." I said, reaching over to hold his hands in a gesture of comfort and assurance.

"Okay.. where do I begin.." He said, I could feel him tense up and I could hear how shaky his breath was. "Well I was 16 at the time, and I was always really unpopular. Everyone in school constantly picked on me for anything they could and made my life hell in any way they could. My parents were always a good support system for me, but that all changed the day I got enough confidence to come out to them and tell them I was gay. Then they seemed to simply shun me, their own son, and it was like they just stopped caring about me after that."

"I guess that was kind of the first thing to push me closer to the edge. When I say everyone hated me, I mean everyone. I didn't have a single friend in the world without my parents. But it was mainly a group of six boys that picked on me relentlessly 24/7. I was unlucky enough to have at least one of them in every one of my classes and the teachers didn't give enough of a fuck to stop them from torturing me physically and verbally."

"But one day they all got together and followed me while I was walking home, and once I had gotten to a particularly underpopulated spot on my walk home, they cornered me and beat the hell out of me for god knows how long.." Tears began to form in his eyes, he was obviously getting more and more emotional as he went into depth. "I ended up with a black eye, a bloody nose and probably a broken rib."

"That's the day that I snapped. What they did along with my parents ignoring my existence pushed me over the edge and that night I was able to locate each of their houses and pay them all a visit. I grabbed a big knife from our kitchen and used it to kill five of them. But when I got to the little ring leaders house I used my bare hands to choke the life out of him. They all begged for their life's and I remember feeling a sick sense of satisfaction with denying them that much and robbing them of their heartbeats."

"I was arrested the next day since I didn't really make much of an effort to cover my tracks. I didn't really care what happened anymore so I simply gave in when the cops busted down my bedroom door with guns aimed straight at me. They carelessly left me under the care of this place and then that's pretty much it."

"The thing is, I don't feel bad about killing them. But it took me quite a while to realize that I not only took their life's, I managed to hurt their family and everyone close to them. That actually got to me quite a bit and is the only thing I regret about doing what I did. Sometimes the guilt of that gets to me so much and I just want to die too. But anyways now you can see why I can't trust anyone.." He angerly wiped away at the tears that had began falling rapidly down his face, looking up at me with a bitter laugh.

"I bet you hate me now. I don't blame you, I would too."

I looked down at him in half disbelief, It was hard to believe honestly. I never knew what he was capable of doing, but hearing what he was truly capable of was unsettling and a bit scary. But I wasn't scared of him nor did I look at him that much differently really. I oddly didn't blame him either since I knew damn well how hard it could be to manage all the constant bullying. And it seemed he had a truly terrible life all the way around, and while to a sane person it wouldn't at all justify his actions, to me it did.

"I don't hate you one bit, and I don't think of you differently nor am I judging you. I sort of understand why you would do that.." I said softly, giving his hands a slight squeeze for assurance.

"You cant be serious. I'm telling you, if you want to leave its not too late. Please just leave now before I get too attached."

"Levi i'm not gonna leave you. Ever."

And suddenly his hands were gone, only to quickly reappear around my neck. I jumped and gasped sharply out of sheer shock. He didn't put any pressure, though. He was just gripping my neck lightly and looking up with what was a succeeded attempt at a menacing glare.

"These hands choked the life out of somebody." He said darkly.

"I'm not scared of you, if that's what your trying to do."

He tightened his grip ever so slightly, though not at all enough for it to be painful.

"How do you know I won't kill you too?" His tone remained the same, dark and probably terrifying to anyone else, but I honestly wasn't scared of him. I knew better, even with the new discovery.

"I know you won't. And even if you do, its a chance i'm willing to take." I looked him dead in the eyes as I spoke, and a few moments of complete slightly tense silence passed by before I could see his face soften.

His hands slid up slowly from my neck to my face, settling on my cheeks lightly and he pulled me a bit closer, leaning in at the same time to press his lips against mine. I wasted no time to bring my arms up to wrap around him tightly and I kissed him back softly. The kiss was slow and soft with so much unspoken meaning behind it, I let my eyes flutter shut and I relaxed completely.

He leaned forward until I was on my back and he was laying on his side next to me, leaning over my chest a bit with his elbow propped up next to me for support as we kissed. I felt the familiar shock of electricity through my veins when his tongue darted out and ran across my bottom lip, wordlessly requesting for me to open my own mouth.

I slipped my own tongue out from between my lips and let him take control, he ran his tongue across mine a few times before taking it between his lips, sucking at it lightly. I had to force down a pleasurable moan at the feeling that sent a chill all throughout my body.

I brought my hand up to tangle itself in his hair that was now dry for the most part, pulling him in a bit closer and opening my mouth fully for him. I could feel him exploring every inch of my mouth his his tongue, and it felt amazing. It was odd at first since we had never taken it this far, and I realized this was my first french kiss.

To my displeasure, he pulled away assumabley before things got too heated since we both weren't ready at all to go any further than that.

"Eren.." He said quietly as he worked at regaining his even breathing."I have never cared about anyone as much as I care about you, please don't ever turn your back on me."

I moved my hand over to brush some hair away from his face, tucking it behind his ear so that I could fully see his face. His jet black hair brought out his pale complexion, and his porcelain skin was just as soft as it looked as I gently swept my fingers over his face. And his deep icy blue eyes were absolutely mesmerizing this close.

"I would never do that, I've wanted nothing more than to get close to you since I got here." I said. "And your really sweet when you want to be, y'know."

"And your the only person who's seen this side of me." He leaned his forehead against mine as he spoke. "I'm really glad I was able to tell you all this, it's been bothering me and I was so scared of you hating me."

"I will never hate you, I can promise you that much.." I gently assured, lightly brushing out noses together affectionately.

"I'm going to hold you to that promise." And as he spoke, I swear I could see the smallest smile creeping across his soft, warm lips.

And that night marked the true start of my fall for my seemingly cold but secretly sweet room mate that I never ever thought I would grow to care about this much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes and finally it is reviled, one of the main reasons I started this was because I liked the idea of Levi being a killer. That sounds a bit fucked up. But if you guys are wondering when the smut is coming, if everything goes as planned it'll probably be in chapter 10 or 11 since the next two should be mainly focused on Levis back story as well as Erens. I just felt the need to go in depth about those two. But now I have a clear idea of exactly where i'm going with this and I know exactly how i'm going to end it, i'm loving writing this!  
> Please comment if you liked it! The positive comments are such an amazing encouragement for me to continue!~


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that another chapter I meant to keep short but somehow got way too long. I honestly don't know how it got that long. But anyways this is all about Levi's childhood and stuff like that, all told from his pov of course! Also I must warn you about the somewhat graphic description of murder, this chapters pretty fucked up but i'm sure that if you stayed with this fic this long that you know whats up by now.  
> Tw for bullying, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Please take caution with reading on if you are easily triggered!

Levi's POV

I never asked to be born into this truly terrible world, that's something that crossed my mind damn near everyday of my life.

Since I first started school I was always shunned by everyone for reasons that remained unknown, but I was always for some reason viewed as the weird loser that no one wants to hang out with. And as anyone could imagine, that's quite damaging to a young child's mind, to not have a single friend from the very start and to have no idea why it was like that.

But the world was always relentlessly cruel to me, and it only got worse with time. Through elementary school I was rejected by everyone, all the boys teased me every day and called me names until I was crying my eyes out, what a weak child I was. I remember that I always ate alone at lunch and I looked forward to lunch time because it was often the only time kids left me the hell alone since there was some 'no leaving your table once your seated' rule that protected me for the time being.

I of course told my mom and dad about everything, everyday I came home and cried to them about it. When I was 8, they bought me a dog. But like I said, its a cruel world we live in and it particularly seems to hate me. Within a few months of me bonding with the dog that was my only friend besides my parents, it got hit by a car. It was as if the universe had shaped me to destroy myself from the very start.

By the time middle school came around I was given the freedom to dress as I pleased instead of mommy picking out my outfits from the store every time. By the time I was beginning middle school, I had already developed the depressive and cold personality that stuck with me forever, so naturally I chose to dress in all black and band tees. Mom had been disapproving of it at first, but she soon gave in and let me dress exactly how I wanted, saying it was good to express myself.

What a mistake that had been. I thought perhaps a perk of wearing all black was that I could blend into the background more, but it had turned out that was wrong. It apparently made me stick out more and gave the kids another reason to tease me relentlessly.

In the 6th grade very few people tried to talk to me and the ones who did, did it out of pity. But you see the child that longed for nothing more than friendship had died long ago so naturally I rejected the maybe three people who spoke to me. It was also in the 6th grade that I had experienced my first beating from a bully. I was maybe 12 at the time, I remember his name being Jake or something along those lines.

It was at p.e when we were playing basketball, well I mean everyone else was playing. I had always isolated myself from any physical activity or anything that involved socialization in general, no matter how much trouble it got me into with the coach, I simply refused.  
\---  
"Hey freak, why aren't you playing with everyone else?" The bully approached me, a basket ball gripped between his arm and side.

I had been sitting on the floor with my knees drawn up to my chest, leaning against the wall. I looked up at him, he wore a grin that made me extremely nervous and uneasy, not sure what to expect from him. I backed away and drew into myself as far as I could, choosing not to say a single word. I honestly didn't have the guts to give a reply.

"Hey didn't you hear me?" His tone got darker and I simply turned my head to the side, praying to everything that he would just go away. "Don't ignore me you little freak!" 

I felt something hard and cold connecting to the side of my face, followed by the hollow thump of a ball bouncing across the wooden floor next to me. It had taken me a moment to assess that he had thrown the ball at me, I brought my hand up to rub the red patch on my now stinging cheek and looked back up at him with tears beading in my eyes.

Next thing I knew I had been pushed onto my side and the kid was practically stomping on me. I hid my face in my arms as an instinctive defense mechanism and gritted my teeth. It hurt, it fucking hurt a lot but I was too generally shocked to utter a single word besides my groans and gasps of pain.

I had no idea how long the beating went on for, but it felt like forever until the shrill sound of the coaches whistle sounded from behind us and he was forced to back off of me. I was unable to sit up, everything hurt so damn badly and I was a sobbing mess by that time. I got sent home early that day.  
\---

I told my parents everything that had happened once we were in the car, mom sat in the backseat with me and held me as I cried my eyes out and vented everything. She continued holding me even as we were parked in our drive way, since I was no where near done crying it out. Her arms always made me feel safe, her comforting assuring words made me feel better every time and her soothing voice could lull me to sleep. I always thought that her and dad were the only ones I had in the world that would never turn their backs on me. Ever.

While I prayed that it wouldn't, the assault continued at least three times a week all the way through 6th grade. It was always the same boys, six of them to be exact. They always hung in a pack and no matter how hard I tried every single day to escape them, they always found me and beat the hell out of me. Though on some days, they were limited with time so they settled for simply teasing and calling me names.

It wasn't till the 7th grade that I truly started believing everything they said. I was worthless, a freak, no one loved me, and I should just die. I was always so sad, every second of my life was painful and it was getting hard to even breathe anymore. This sick reality was the only reality I've ever known, and I wanted so badly to escape it.

It took me far too long to discover the joy that comes with razor blades. The urge to cause harm to myself seemingly came out of no where but it was very strong once it did set in. It started off by viciously scratching at my wrist one day when I had gotten home from school. I locked myself in my room and cried and cried, when I suddenly got the urge to feel pain, and I did just that. I ended up scratching a patch of skin raw.

I felt momentary release, and it was truly blissful. But I needed more, over the course of just a week I grew the desire to see myself bleed. A razor wasn't hard to obtain at all, I simply unscrewed a hand held pencil sharpener and retrieved the blade. It looked so unbelievably sharp, and I remember I was scared to actually go through with it at first. But once I had, I was hooked from the first cut.

They started out thin and small, I simply pressed the blade to my wrist lightly and reluctantly dragged it across in one swift motion. I was met with a sharp pain that I soon was able to find bliss in, I watched as small crimson beads emerged from the thin red line and ran down my arm. I made five small cuts that night, and at the time I thought that was a lot. I never told myself that I would stop, because I knew I needed it, I needed the release.

By the time 8th grade rolled around I was completely hooked on cutting, both of my arms held an array of large scares that ranged from dark pink to the faintest white and crossing over some of them was deep gashes that verified in depth and length, though all were considerably deep. 

The first time I had cut that deep, I was honestly scared. The blood wouldn't stop and I didn't know what to do. I had thought it would need stitches but with an hour or so of pressing a blood soaked rag to the deep wound, it finally stopped and I was quite relieved.

Mom and dad never found out, not even when I began to wear only long sleeves in the middle of summer and absolutely refused to even roll my sleeves up in the heat. They were so blissfully unaware of what their own son had become over the past year and I would rather it stay like that. I was scared that they would judge the monster that I had become, but a part of me knew that they wouldn't want anything but to help me. However that theory was proven horribly incorrect pretty soon.

I was never distant from my parents, I loved them with all my heart. They were my support system and more importantly my only friends in the world. I told them everything, except my dirty little self-harm secret of course. So when I had made the not so shocking self discovery that I was only attracted to other guys, I felt the need to tell my parents.

I thought there was something wrong with me, well something wrong with me beyond the fact that I was addicted to self destruction, but that aside I had to tell them about my sexuality.   
\---  
"Mom, Dad.. I think i'm gay.." We had been sitting in our living room, I was in a plush chair while they were both seated on our couch.

They both looked at each other for a moment before looking over at me in unison as if they had saw a ghost.

"Honey, your kidding right?" Said mom, her tone held the air of disbelief and shock. I shook my head.

"No.. I don't think so.. Is there something wrong with me?" I questioned, their reaction had gotten me even more uneasy than I was before I said a word and I felt the need to cry and retreat growing strong.

They remained silent for a bit, simply staring at me with looks that began contorting in disgust. I had began fidgeting uncomfortably in my seat, the deafening silence paired with their expressions being enough to bring tears to my eyes.

"There is, that's not normal son. You mean to tell us your attracted to other men?" Said Dad.

I nodded meekly.

"That's.. that's sickening Levi!" Mom recoiled in disgust.

"Go up to your room now! your mother and I need time to figure out just what we're going to do with you." Dads voice had turned suddenly darker, a tone I had never heard him use with me.

I was in disbelief, I hadn't expected them to act that positively but I had never expected them to act like this. Tears began streaming down my face rapidly and I stood quickly and wiped my face.

"Fine!" I couldn't help but snap in a raised tone before stomping up to my room. 

I already knew what I was going to do. Once I was safely locked in my room I ran over to my drawer and roughly yanked it out, digging to the bottom until my hands met a small fabric pouch I kept to hide my razors in. Over time I had stopped using pencil sharpener blades, instead favoring the large industrial type of blades I had managed to get my hands on. They cut so pleasantly deeper and drew much more blood.

I didn't stop haphazardly hacking away at my already marred skin until maybe 40 deep cuts had accumulated down my forearm and I began feeling dizzy from the blood loss. Though I refused to pass out so I retrieved my old rag that was once white but now nearly all stained with crimson and pressed it to my new wounds hard. I put as much pressure on them as I could for as long as I could to stop the bleeding faster.

After that little mess was taken care of, I got up and slipped on my new slayer hoodie and quietly stepped out of my room. I made my way half down the stairs as quietly as I could, I was simply planning to get a bottle of water and I hoped that my parents had went to bed, but of course I would never get that lucky and the living room light that remained lit told me that they were in fact still awake.

However I noticed not so hushed voices coming from the kitchen that was attached to the living room. I stilled myself and stayed silent, tuning in on the voices to hear exactly what was being said. I wrapped my fingers around the rail and leaned in a bit more to hear better.

"I just don't know what do do with him." It was moms voice.

"Maybe hes just confused honey, he'll snap out of it soon enough and tell us that he didn't mean it." Said dad.

"But what if he doesn't? Should we get him a therapist? It can't just be like this, maybe our son really is a freak." I felt a stab of pain directly in my heart from my own mothers words.

"Listen, what we need to do is stop talking to him until he learns his lesson and comes to his senses."

"But how could we do that? He's my little boy and.."

"And do you want him growing up to be a sick homosexual? He needs to learn that he doesn't know what he wants and realize that his parents know best."

"I suppose your right.."

At some point I had managed to start crying again, I couldn't take hearing anymore of this so I wiped my eyes and turned around to run back upstairs and to my room once more. Everyone in school was right, even my parents think i'm a freak. That was all the conformation I needed to accept how much of a fuck up I was since even the only people I had in the world had turned their backs on me.

They stayed true to their word, too. The very next day they had stopped talking to me. Not even a good morning as I walked down stairs to get my lunch and head to school. They didn't even look at me as I entered the kitchen. It felt so unreal, almost as if I was trapped in some sort of long, sick dream. I had lost the people I loved so much so quickly and it was all my fault.

Of course I took it very rough for a while, for the longest time I spent my nights crying over the fact that my parents hate me now and that I was all alone in the world now. Completely alone. But I began developing hate. Deep burning hate. Just before I began my first year in high school, I began to hate absolutely everything.

I hated people, I hated mom, I hated dad, and most of all I hated myself. All I ever began to to feel was hate. I just hated everything. I wanted to leave this sick world behind, and I began contemplating suicide more than I should. But I set a date for myself. September 21st I planned to go out somehow, I wasn't really sure just how yet, but my mind was made up.

I began high school in august and it was hell as usual. I wasn't surprised to find that the same group of six bullies had been in my particular high school. Wonderful. And I was just so incredibly lucky to have at least one of them in each and every one of my classes. Beatings began to be a normal thing, and I considered moving my date up sooner.

But it was September 20th that I got by far the worst beating by those six ruthless boys.  
\---  
I had been walking home when it happened, I chose to take a different route home since this particular way was less populated and I would do anything to avoid people. It felt as if everyone I walked by was judging me, so fuck that. As far as I knew, I was alone as I walked this long wide ally way.

But I began hearing voices behind me, they were too distant for me to make out exactly what was being said, but there was laughter. I knew this sick laughter, I didn't even have to turn around to know I was fucked. I began walking faster in an attempt to escape what I knew was coming.

Speed walking had turned to sprinting, but the voices got closer so sprining had turned to running. But I was far too weak to make it very far, I soon felt my shirt being roughly yanked back and my back collided with the the brick wall of a building, effectivly knocking the wind out of be and leaving me coughing and gasping despratly for air.

"Where the fuck do you think your going?" I had tried to sink to the ground and retreat into myself, though I was stopped my a fist that tangled in the front of my shirt, holding me upright against my will. "Hurry up and get 'em before someone sees!"

"Don't worry no ones gonna see a thing." One of the other boys said and be began approaching me.

I tried to flinch away as a fist came hurtling towards my face, but the wall behind me denied that and ended with his fist connecting directly to my face. Another boy showed up on the other side and threw a punch that landed on my left eye. I gasped in pain and tried to scream as loud as I could, but a hand soon flew to cover my mouth.

"Shut the fuck up!" The boy holding me in place shouted directly into my face as another boy pulled the one on the right of me aside and took his turn.

Another punch landed to my nose, and I tried to scream in pain as I felt a sharp pain shocking every nerve in my face, but of course failed. I needed to get away, so I did the first thing I could think of. I bit his hand and hoped to be able to run away while he drew back. 

"Your gonna regret that you little faggot!" The ring leader growled.

I was tossed to the ground and another boy pushed his way through to begin kicking me hard in the stomach. I put my arms up to cover my face as everyone joined in at kicking me relentlessly. It felt like absolutely forever till they finally let up.

"C'mon guys, lets get out of here."

Thank god they finally decided to all walk away, leaving me a sobbing mess of pain on the cold dirty ground. Whimpering pathetically as pain raked my entire body. I was shaking, still involuntarily flinching as I expected another kick to land on my beaten and bruised body.

I just laid there for the longest time, unable to move because every time I so much as attempted to do that, I was met with unbearable pain that I couldn't pinpoint exactly. Everything hurt. It was dark by the time I was finally able to pick myself up and limp home miserably. I took my time, not necessarily on will but rather I couldn't go that fast at all.

The street lights flickered above me, dimming the already dull lighting momentarily. All I could focus on the whole way home was my burning hate towards those boys in particular. I was going to kill myself tomorrow, but I felt the need to do something before then so that I could at least die with some sort of accomplishment.

I sat in the silence of my room, staring blankly forward at my bedroom wall that had various band posters scattered about. I ran my fingers through my hair and gripped it painfully tight, I wanted to cry but it felt as if I had cried myself dry. I couldn't cry anymore. I could just sit there and feel numb.

I wasn't thinking straight when I made my decision, but I was happy with it none the less and it seemed right at the time. I got to my feet with a short and quiet noise that could be classified as some fort of laugh as I walked across the room to my closet. I pulled a solid black hoodie off the rack and pulled it on, then walking to my dresser and retrieving a pair of solid black skinny jeans and slipping them on as well.

I then grabbed a small black bag I conveniently had laying around from the corner of my room and opened the door quietly. I made my way down stairs as silent as possible, navigating my way through the darkness of the living room and into the kitchen. It wasn't all dark in there, there was a window that let in the glow of moonlight that was enough to light my actions. I pulled out the knife drawer and sifted through it until I found the largest and sharpest knife in there.

The kitchen light suddenly flipped on and I barley had enough time to quickly hide it in my bag.

"What are you doing Levi?" Said mom, her voice held a stern air. I simply pushed past her, walking straight to the door. But to my displeasure I felt a hand on my wrist, stopping me in my tracks.

"Don't you touch me!" I snapped, yanking my arm from her grasp and turning around to face her with furious eyes.

"Just where the hell do you think your going? Do you have any idea what time it is?!" She shouted.

"Shut the fuck up, its none of your business!" I shouted right back, growling and turning towards the door.

"You get back here before I call your father down here!"

"Do it, i'll kill you both." I said in a low and dangerous tone, though I wasn't sure if she made out exactly what I had said before I reached for the handle and opened the door, ignoring my mothers shouts of protest behind me as I slammed the door shut and began running down the street.

As far as I knew, each of these boys lived in my neighborhood, unlucky for them, so I was going to pay them all a visit. I remember hearing them give out their addresses on multiple occasions over time to various girls, apparently for parties and stupid shit like that. Also, unlucky for them, I have an amazing memory that could have benefited me in school had I not simply chosen to give up.

The first house I got to was they home of the boy who gave me a black eye, I pulled my black hood up and walked quietly over to a window. I checked to see if it was unlocked, and to my luck for once it was. I was able to slip into his house as quietly as I possibly could. I navigated my way upstairs and checked various rooms until I found my desired room.

He was sleeping, of course. But I didn't want it that way, oh no, I wanted him to know exactly what was happening. I pulled my hood down and quietly unzipped my little black bag, reaching in and wrapping my fingers around the thick handle of my knife. I couldn't waist too much time, I knew I was limited with it before this kid or his family wakes up. So I pulled the large knife out into the open and flicked the light on.

I rushed the short distance to his bed and forcefully pushed my hand over his mouth, positioning myself on top of him so he couldn't move even if he tried. He awoke with a start below me, seemingly taking a few moments to understand what was happening. His eyes flicked up above him to look at me, then down to my hand that tightly gripped a sharp knife at my side.

I saw his eyes widen and be began struggling to get free, but an indescribable strength shot through my entire body and somehow gave me the power to hold him down without fail. Tears began forming in his wide eyes and he attempted to shake his head free of my hand, but gave up once it was apparent he was not getting loose. Instead he began desperately mumbling something that resembled 'please' into my hand.

I didn't say a single word, I instead raised the knife high above us and aimed straight for his heart, quickly bringing it down to forcefully stab him all the way through the chest. He threw his head back against the pillow he had been resting so peacefully on moments ago, attempting to scream but my hand prevented anything but a quiet drawn out muffled noise from coming out.

I tore the knife out and watched as blood came pouring out at a rapid rate, no doubt he'd bleed out if I just left him here. But if I left him here he'd probably just scream his head off and call attention to me. So I decided to finish the job, stabbing him once more next to the previous wound with all my power and twisting the knife to the best of my ability.

Warm crimson splattered across my face and I didn't bother wiping it away at the moment, then the same warmth sputtered onto the palm of my hand as he coughed up blood below me. I jerked the knife out once more and began continuously stabbing him, though a bit more shallow, until he was completely limp below me and blood had soaked both his bed and his clothes as well as a good part of my own. 

He didn't make a single movement nor a sound as I pulled my hand away and ripped the knife out for a final time, stepping off of him and back to my own feet, I looked at what I had done with a sick smile crossing my face. I was pleased with my work, I had ended the life of one of the boys that was determined to always make my own a living hell. I didn't have much time to escape, though. So I quickly placed the knife back in my bag, not bothering to wipe it off, and ran as fast and quietly as I could down the stairs and made my escape through the same window I entered through.

I quickly made my way to the next house that was luckily not too far, and to my luck his window was too unlocked. It could be luck, or maybe it was just their stupidity. I repeated the exact same process, breaking in through the window, locating his room, holding him down and stabbing him to death as he desperately tried to beg for his life and thrash out of my grip. I escaped once the deed was done without a problem and it was off to the next house.

About an hour passed and five lives had been successfully taken by my knife, now there was only one left to claim. But I didn't plan to use this lovely knife to kill him, no i'd rather he die by my very own hands since he was the leader of my hell. I had pulled my hood back up as I broke into his house the exact way I had with the previous five, my heart was now pumping with adrenalin. I was about to finish my dark task and end the final source of my pain for years.

I stepped in quietly and went through the same procedure, checking every single room until I found his. Though I was delighted to find that the house was completely empty besides my bully. He was home alone, oh how unfortunate for him but great for me. I opened his door and slipped in, being sure to close and lock the door behind be for safety.

I located the light and turned it on, though instead of rushing to silence him before he could utter a sound, I took my time walking over to his bed, just waiting for him to wake up. Though after too long of waiting, I got impatient and decided to simply kick his mattress. He sat up quickly and mumbled something incoherently.

"Hi." I said lowly to call is attention to the fact I was standing right next to him.

He looked over and then up to my face, seemingly processing the fact that the kid he relentlessly tortured had gotten into his room. His eyes widened upon the realization and I could tell he knew that I had no good intentions with him.

"How'd you get in here?" He questioned in a somewhat quiet and obviously uneasy sort of tone, backing up a bit. ".. And why are you covered in blood?"

His expression was growing more and more fearful by the second as everything visibly sunk in and he realized the predicament he was in at the moment.

"Why am I covered in blood?" I said, laughing psychotically for a moment before flashing a slight smile fueled by the sheer blood lust I was feeling. "I killed your pathetic friends. And now its your turn."

He took in a shaky breath and backed himself up more and moved along the wall before leaping forward in an attempt to run away, but I did exactly what he did to me earlier. I grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him back down on the bed.

"Where the fuck do you think your going?" I mocked, leaning across the bed to hold him still.

"Wait! Please stop!" He thrashed desperately, trying his hardest to get free from my grasp.

"You made my life hell! You and your little friends just never stopped, you always had to kick me while I was down! And your telling me to stop?! No, your getting just what you deserve you pathetic piece of shit!"

"Plea-"

He was cut off by my own hands wrapping around his throat and squeezing as hard as I possibly could. He began struggling harder to get loos, both of his hands coming up to grip my wrist and desperately claw at them in an attempt to remove them. He coughed and hacked, trying so hard to get air into his lungs but of course that wasn't going to happen.

I noticed his face turning a different color as I looked directly down into his eyes after a while. His kicking began to calm down and his grip on my wrists began to get weaker and weaker until both of his arms fell limp at his side and his body untensed, just laying there still and unmoving.

When I pulled my hands away, I could visibly see the marks and deformation where my hands had simply choked the life out of him. I felt a sense of accomplishment and it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders in that moment, the dead silence of the room was somehow comforting as I sat atop the body of the boy I had just killed with my own two hands.

His eyes were wide and lifeless, I took my time savoring that look since the only way I've ever seen them was full of sick amusement. But it was my well deserved turn to feel that same sick amusement. But it still registered that I did not have much time, so I reluctantly got to my feet and ran out of the house without a trace.

When I walked back into my own house, it was silent and dark. Mom and dad must have went back to sleep and decided to deal with me in the morning, if they cared enough to deal with me at all. I doubted it. I walked upstairs and stepped into the bathroom that was across the hall from my own bedroom and locked the door behind me.

I unzipped my bag and pulled out my knife, turning the sink on and carefully washing the dried blood off of its blade and handle. Next I began washing my own hands followed by my blood splattered face. I looked up into the mirror as crimson tainted water dripped down my face and fell into the sink, flowing down the drain in a swirl of red that stood out against the pure white sink.

I tucked the knife away in my bag and walked to my room, shutting but not bothering to lock the door behind me. Carelessly tossing the bag to the side of my bed, I pulled out my dresser drawer and pulled on a new pair of black sweat pants and then over to my closet to replace my blood soaked hoodie with a simple black shirt. I noticed dried blood staining my torso from where it had seeped through my hoodie, but I couldn't be bothered with cleaning it.

I didn't sleep that night, not that I slept most nights anyways. I just sat up with a Metallica album playing on my radio beside my bed, staring forward blankly at my various band posters adorning my wall. I felt a twisted satisfaction, like I accomplished something in my life for once. I made no effort to hide any evidence because I was willing to accept whatever was coming to me. I wouldn't run away.

And that's why I accepted what came to me the next day when cops barged into my room with guns pointed straight at me as if I was some sort of deadly criminal. Well I suppose as far as they knew, I was. I killed six people. Was I a monster? Yes. Was I really that harmful? No. In truth I was weak.

A police man approached me once they knew I wasn't a threat at the moment and roughly took hold of my arm, yanking me along with him out of the room and down the stairs with a crowd of men with guns behind us, ready to shoot at any sign of struggle. That's when I spotted mom crying by our wide open door, she looked up at me as we descended from the stairs with a looked mixed between disbelief and horror.

"Is it true Levi? Did you kill those boys?!" She wasn't demanding an answer with malice, it was more shock. "My baby... how could you do such a thing?!"

I refused to look at her when I was lead past her, I felt a pang of guilt upon hearing her heart breaking sobs. She was a horrible mother, she abandon her son because her husband thought it was best. She left a already scarred boy alone in the world, but as much as I wanted to hate her for it, I couldn't. I had moments of sheer hate for my parents but the truth was that deep down there was still the friendless broken boy who loved mommy and daddy with all his heart and longed for nothing more than to be loved by them too.

"Levi!" She shouted. I spared one last look behind me to see that she was attempting to come after me, but being held back by a few of the many police that surrounded our house.

I didn't say a word as I was shoved against the cop car and the man put handcuffs tightly around wrists behind my back and began patting me down for concealed weapons while giving the 'anything you say can and will be used against you' speech. I was soon pushed into the back of a cop car and left alone with the cuffs around my wrists.

I glanced out the window, the officer had seemed to be talking with a few others for quite sometime. Really, was it acceptable to leave a criminal in the back of a car with only handcuffs binding him? I'm sure if I really wanted to I could have escaped while they had their backs turned, but lucky for them I didn't have the will to get away.

Once the bastard finally turned around, he began heading to the drivers side and stepped in. He said nothing to me as he drove to a unspoken destination, and I preferred it that way. I had expected to be hauled off straight to jail or at least a holding house for the time being, but I was shocked to find myself in front of a mental hospital.

A mental hospital for the criminally insane, that is. Makes sense I guess. I wasn't sure if I was actually staying here or what, but I didn't say a word as he lead me to the entrance probably a bit rougher than necessary. I wasn't putting up a struggle so I don't see the point in this prick damn near ripping my arm out of its socket pulling me this way and that way. I was also sure that there would be a bruise pretty soon where he had been gripping my upper arm.

The first thing I noticed when we stepped inside was how white and absolutely cold it was. It looked professional and sanitary, and I had only seen the lobby. It smelled strongly of hand sanitizer of some sort. He lead me up to the front desk that had a short blond women with her hair tied back working on some paper work in front of her.

She pretended as if we weren't even there for a good ten seconds before finishing scribbling something on the lines of the paper before her and sighed lightly, looking up at us.

"Can I help you." She questioned with a tone that held absolutely no emotion and a air of boredom. She seemed like she hated her job, hell I would too.

"Yes, we called not too long ago about a potential patient. We would like to get him evaluated." The dick with the too-tight grip spoke up and I wasn't sure why I rolled my eyes but I did. Something about this guys voice made me want to deck him in the face and his lack of understanding the definition of 'gentle' was getting on my nerves.

I was soon brought by a nurse with orange hair and golden eyes that seemingly came out of no where to a room down a few halls. The room was as white as the rest of the place, consisting of a couch, a chair, and a desk with various items on it. She gestured for me to sit on the couch before sitting in front of me in the chair.

"Levi is it?" Her voice was too cheery and bright. I didn't like her already.

"Yeah."

"Ah, I am nurse Petra Ral, but you may call me Petra." She smiled brightly and reached a petite hand out towards me.

I looked down at her hand and then back up at her, leaning back on the couch and crossing my legs. I had no intention of showing courtesy to anyone at all in here. She cleared her throat awkwardly and let her hand drop back to her side before leaning back in her chair once more.

"Well I understand last night you committed the murder of six?"

"How do you know I did it?"

"The murder weapon was found in your room along with the victims blood covering your clothes, from what I understand."

I sighed.

"Yeah I did." I said simply, and while I expected that to at least knock her back a few steps, her expression remained unwavering and happy, her cheery tone never faltered.

"I see, do you understand the wrong in what you did?"

"No." I answered simply half out of honesty and half because I didn't want to say much at all.

"Was this pre-planned?"

"No."

"Have you struggled with mental illnesses in the past?"

I remained silent, crossing my arms and looking down at my lap. I was done giving answers.

"Have these boys caused offence to you in the past?"

I said nothing.

"May I see your arms?"

Again, I kept my mouth shut and my eyes down. All this questioning was fucking stupid and I didn't want to deal with it. Why was it their damn business anyways?

"Levi if you don't answer anything we will have no choice but to keep you here until you do." She warned, and I stayed quiet. "I see, then come with me to the ward. That is where you will be staying for at least until we figure out your case."

I was actually really grateful that this nurse at least didn't yank me around by the arm everywhere and I was simply left to follow behind her as she lead me through a bunch of halls and an awkward elevator ride until we were standing in a large, and shocker, white room with various other people walking around and sitting in.

I could only assume that this was obviously the ward she was talking about and these people were other patients. And from what I understand, killers like me. I was already sick of being here from the very moment I stepped in.

"This is our ward, we will get your clothes a bit later. But for now I would like you to go off and make some friends and ask a fellow patient any questions you may have. Erwin Smith is the runner of this ward and we have sent him your information, he should be out to greet you soon enough. I must be off, I wish you the best in your recovery, Levi." Every word sounded rushed like she just wanted to get me off of her hands and it seemed she didn't mean the last part. I was good at seeing through people, and I knew for a fact she wasn't being genuine.

She left without another word and I didn't stop her because I didn't want to deal with her just as much as she didn't want to deal with me, so I said nothing as she turned on her heel and showed herself out. I just stood there for a while after the sound of doors slamming shut behind me, binding me to this shit hole for however long it may be. I surely wasn't about to do as she says and 'go make friends' because everyone here looks like a fucking psycho and lets not forget I hate everything.

I honestly thought it was pretty shitty and unprofessional that she would leave a new patient alone until this Erwin guy comes to greet them, but I didn't really mind if they pretty much neglected proper guidance because that just means I can do whatever I want and figure things out on my own, which needless to say is how I would prefer it.

As I walked over to a lone sofa I spotted on the other side of the room, I could feel people staring at me. I tried my best to not make eye contact with any of these weirdos and quietly made my way over to sit down and keep completely to myself. I noticed there was a t.v in front of the couch, it was currently playing old cartoons that I could faintly remember watching with my parents when I was just a clueless kid, having no idea of the hell waiting for me in a few years.

The memories brought a sharp pain that directly stabbed into my heart, and I suddenly felt the need for my razor that was unfortunately at home tucked away where no one would find it. I gritted my teeth to hold in my emotions and aggressively snatched the remote off of a small table that sat between the couch and t.v, attempting to turn it off, though only to find that the remote didn't even work. It was as if it was there for simple fucking looks.

I grumbled and backed myself into the corner of the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms tightly around my legs. It was just now beginning to set in that I was in a ward full of people, criminals to be exact. But still people and I absolutely hated being around people. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball underneath my bed sheets.

But I was here for a reason, I killed six people. The memory of last night felt so distant and foggy, though it was only practically hours ago. I knew I did it, I remember the blood and I remember the satisfaction of taking their pathetic lives. And that's all really, I never pre-planned it, it was just a sudden thought that I immediately acted on without much thought.

Even so, I didn't regret my decision. Even if I was in my right mind or not, though I never really did have a 'right' state of mind lately so something like this was bound to happen. Either I was going to die or someone else was, the fact being that death was inevitable either way.

Then a sudden presence appeared next to me, the couch sinking down slightly due to how close they were. Way too close. I was already exasperated. I sighed and didn't bother looking over to see who the hell would ever approach me while I was lost in thought.

"Go. Away." I was in no fucking mood. I was never in the mood. These little shits need to learn that and fast if i'm going to be staying here.

"Hey that's no way to talk to someone who wants to be your friend!" A shrill female voice rang out from too close next to me and I flinched at her sheer volume, my head pounded in what was surely an oncoming headache.

"Excuse me, let me rephrase that. It would be appreciated if you would fuck off and leave me the fuck alone." I snapped, this time whipping my head over to glare venomously at her.

And that when I got an actual look at this girl, she looked truly psychotic, something about the look in her eyes was off. The grin on her face was unnerving and quite unnecessary for the situation. She had brown hair that was tied back in a pony tail and glasses. She leaned back on the couch next to me as if I hadn't just told her to fuck off.

"So hostile I see~ Your gonna have to try harder than that. Hm, I didn't know we were getting a new kid today but here you are!"

"Don't call me a kid." I growled, becoming fed up with her presence quickly.

"You are a kid to me, what are you like 15? 16?" She caressed her chin thoughtfully and crossed her legs.

"That's none of your business." I deadpanned.

"Ah, so rude. You know you shouldn't be so rude to someone only trying to be your friend. It won't get you far if you want to live a decent life in here." She sounded so irritatingly happy about everything, she reminded me of some sort of deranged puppy.

"I don't care."

"You wont be saying that when you've been in here for 10 years without a single friend." A soft and rather creepy giggle escaped her as she spoke.

"How do you know I won't be out of here by then?" And honestly, how the fuck does she know? She knows not a thing about me.

Her giggle grew into a full on laugh that attracted the attention of everyone in the room. "Oh right, your new so you don't know that no one gets out of here! Your trapped, were all here forever and there's not a thing you can do about it. So I suggest you make some friends and loose your attitude."

Wait so shes saying no one gets out of here? Bullshit. This place may have came off as shitty but there was no way that it was like one of those old horror stories about going into a mental hospital and never coming out. I didn't believe her at all, she was just a crazy that didn't know what she was saying.

"Yeah sure, i'll probably be out of here soon enough."

She said nothing to that, she simply laughed once more under her breath and stood up, leaving without another word. Honestly I would have called after her to tell her off, but I was too relieved that she finally left and I was alone with my thoughts once more.

But I eventually learned that she was not telling me some bullshit lie, I was in fact stuck here forever. I had talked with Erwin not too long after the girl I later found outs name was Hanji. He seemed professional enough and that was assuring since what she had said did admittedly shake me up ever so slightly. But as I payed attention to little things with time, I began to see a neglective pattern. 

For one there was no security in the recreation room at any time. And they served two shitty meals a day when i'm sure there should be three and if they were gonna skip one and they were professional, they would at least make them better. Also the pill's they gave us all were exactly the same, and I soon learned from a few others that I was forced into socializing with that they fucked with your sanity and they suggested I take off my pillowcase and hide them in it under my bed.

I hated everyone here, but it was still a helpful piece of information that I was grateful for. It took me quite some time to accept that I was stuck here, but I eventually did, figuring it was a fair enough punishment. It really wasn't but I considered it to be. I didn't have much of a problem with the place since I was more often than not left alone but the only issue was the lack of sharp objects that pretty much forced my out of my self-harm addiction. As absolutely hard it was to cope with that.

I still took to growing out my nails and scratching my arms until I bled, and it was just enough to satisfy me. But still not at all as much as I would prefer. But the absolute worst part of this place was the showers. Being butt naked in front of tons of random old men was not my thing and I couldn't stand it at first, but I had no choice but to get use to it. 

Everything was exactly the same miserable routine for three whole years. The only way I knew how long it had been is because at the end of every year they let us go outside for the day, but they have extremely heavy security for once when we do go out. I honestly didn't enjoy it too much, I always hated being in the sunlight so I much preferred staying inside on the couch that was practically deemed mine at this point for hours on end until the day was over.

I was alone for those three years. I did take to hanging around Hanji and some other kids that I learned over time were Sasha, Connie, Jean, and Marco. I only stuck around them for the sake of presence since I did have a desire to at least be included in things, but not actually be in it. If that makes sense at all, my mind set even confused me a lot so that's why I preferred to avoid the subject of friendships. But to an extent they were my friends, since they were the first and only people to hang around me willingly.

I was constantly getting countless roommates that Erwin always put up to talking to me for some annoying reason, but I simply rejected each and every one of them. I couldn't afford getting close to anyone. I managed to build my wall up even higher than before in my time being here and I drew more into myself more than ever. At least before I had my parents to freely talk to, but I fucked up and lost that and now I was trapped in a nut house doomed to be alone forever. But that was what I deserved.

I'd become content with my fate, all until one day when I got a new room mate with sharp green eyes that showed just how broken he truly was. Right when I laid eyes on him, I instantly knew something was going to happen with us. I didn't know if it would be positive or negative but there was defiantly something because he just always seemed so different.

And over the course of time I managed to unwillingly trip and fall right in love with that little shit. I was really uncomfortable with the thought of opening up to him at all so of course I tried my very hardest to push him away, saying things I didn't mean and hurting him for what I thought was the best. But he refused to just step out of my life and leave me alone again. And with time I realized that I didn't want to be alone anymore, I never really did. He was forcing me to feel things I've never felt, and no matter if I like it or not, I was falling in love with Eren Jaeger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Levi. I legit felt bad writing all this because he's like my baby, but its probably just as painful to read as it was to write it. Next chapter will most likely a bit more background on Eren, hopefully shorter than this, and then after that we can make some more progress in its actual plot. Like I said, I pretty much have an ending set permanently and i'm aiming for maybe 15 chapters or so, give or take. Thank you so much for reading, i'm having so much fun writing it! Please leave a comment if your interested in me continuing, they positive reviews or even constructive criticism make me happy. I'm always aiming to improve my somewhat shitty writing skill, so if you see any problems please tell me!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoooooly shit guys this is a really long chapter. I was going to split it but I couldn't find any point that I could do so and still have it flow naturally, so oopsie. Also sorry for updating so late! I've been busy all week and I couldn't find time to write. But I bring this fucking mammoth of a chapter to make up for my absence! This is all based on Erens past and I went into a bit more depth than planned, also some aspects might have altered ever so slightly, but i'm not sure. If so i doubt its noticeable.   
> Trigger warning for physical and verbal abuse, self-harm, alcoholism, smoking, and suicide! IF ANY OF THE FOLLOWING BOTHER YOU, PLEASE TAKE CAUTION BEFORE READING!  
> Enjoy~

I've always heard people say that everything happens for a reason. Either that's complete bullshit or the world just hates me, I always figured it was both.

This life of sheer misery that I lead was the only reality I've ever known, I deeply envied every happy person I passed by on the rare occasion that I left my room and the desire to be a normal and happy person burned to my very core. But happiness would never be the case for me, that much I knew for sure. People like me weren't meant to be happy, it was as if I was born into this wretched world souley to be destroyed by everyone around me as well as by myself.

I grew up without the slightest clue of what it felt like to be a member of even a half functional family, dad was never home when I was little and mom was left to provide for my adopted sister and I all by herself. We never did find out where dad was, or at least Mikasa and I never found out. Maybe mom kept it from us, or maybe she didn't know either. Whatever the case, he was gone weeks at a time and always came back piss drunk.

Physical and verbal abuse had been apart of this fucked up mess I call my life since before I could remember, the one to inflict it was always the monster that was my dad. I learned to be petrified of him from a young age and it never changed even into my adulthood. I found myself enjoying the time that he was out of our home, even if it left Mikasa and I completely alone in the house from pretty much morning to night since mom had to take on two jobs to support us.

I was never really close to mom, the reason being she was never around long enough for me to bond with. But I still loved her with all my heart even if she wasn't really a factor in my life. I had no one besides my sister until middle school, when I met my best friend Armin. But before that point everyone else in school seemed to hate me.

I wasn't so much that they were physically bullying me, though that was the case on some occasions. But it was mostly that everyone ignored my existence as if I was never there, and it wasn't long at all until I realized that perhaps it would be better if I wasn't. For a mere child to have such thoughts was sickening to think about, but I knew no different.

I never ever dared to go to Armin or Mikasa with these thoughts, and maybe that was my ultimate downfall. Maybe I should have gotten the help I needed before it was too late, I often thought if things would have turned out differently if I had done just that. But it was hardly worth thinking about since there was no changing the past, no matter how much of a difference it could have made or how much I so desperately wished it had.

Everything only got worse when I was around the age of 10 when my father began making an unwanted appearance at home a lot more often than I would like, not that I want him here at all because I know what comes when he's here. And that night he came with exactly what I feared most.

\----

It had been a normal night, or at least what I had come to think of as normal. Mom was off for the night and currently standing in the kitchen as she silently prepared a meal for the family since dads presence had become a common one here. I assumed that she had fooled herself into thinking that sitting down as a 'family' would bring some sort of true sense of normal to our situation when in reality it only brought 20 minutes or so of tense silence that ultimately ended in an argument between her and dad.

Mikasa and I were sitting side by side on our old worn couch watching a t.v show that was far too happy for either of out taste, but it was the only half interesting thing on t.v at the moment. Dad had left the house before any of us woke up, and while it wasn't likely, Mikasa and I both silently prayed that he would stay gone for at least a few days.

He had been here for over a week, and over the course of that week I had accumulated multiple bruises that I hid underneath hoodies and pants that I quickly learned was necessary to wear considering that it wouldn't do to be questioned by any of the teachers at school about the sudden collection of dark bruises scattered about my body.

The same went for Mikasa, though her beatings mostly consisted of harsh slaps and shoves. While he wasn't actually punching or kicking her as he does with me, it still pissed me off to oblivion that I could do nothing to save her from him. She was my little sister, two years younger than me to be exact, and I hated myself for the fact that I was too fearful of my father to stand up against him and protect Mikasa.

The loud slam of a door being thrown open directed our attention from the t.v screen and we both looked over to the source of the sound. It was to my extreme displeasure but not shock that dad had just fumbled through the door, drunk off his ass, as to be expected. We got a clear view of him since the living room we currently occupied was directly connected to the kitchen, where the front door was.

I could feel the couch shifting as Mikasa scooted closer to me, she was absolutely terrified of dad, more so than I was. It was understandable, she was only 8 at the time. She was just a baby that had to witness and suffer things that no one ever should. And while I was also a mere child at the age of 10, I somehow knew that I was more capable of enduring everything I had to go through. 

We couldn't hear what was being said, but we could see mom and dads mouths moving in what seemed to be a silent but heated argument, their voices getting gradually louder and louder until they were screaming at each other. Mom didn't seem to be pissed, more over concerned and fearful. And dad was just pissed as usual. They seemed to be yelling about how he always comes home drunk. I could feel Mikasa trembling more and more as their voiced escalated.

Then in an instant, the argument reached its highest point when dad seemed to have had enough of the argument and resorted to harshly striking mother across the face. She drew back and pressed herself against the wall, holding her cheek where he had hit her and looking up at him with true terror in her eyes as he closed in on her.

The sound of another vicious slap sounded along with mom grunt of pain. Then dad began yelling at her again about how his alcoholism was her fault. Mikasa drew her knees up to her chest and pressed her tiny hands against her hears, rapidly shaking her head as tears streamed down her pale face.

I knew I had to do something, mom was being attacked and my little sister was witnessing it. A flare of anger sparked through me like a wild fire and I somehow found the courage to interject. I stood up and placed a gentle hand on Mikasas shoulder, and once I had her attention I gestured for her to stand too. She took a moment before reluctantly obeying me, clearly trusting my decision even though she didn't know what I was going to do yet.

I placed both of my hands on her shoulders and looked down into her eyes. "Listen to me Mikasa, go to your room and lock your door. Do not come out no matter what you hear, do you understand?" I whispered loud enough for only her to hear. Her eyes widened and more tears began flowing down her cheeks.

"But Eren he's gonna hurt you if you stay out here.." Her voice trembled as she spoke in a hushed voice.

"No he won't, I will be okay. Just please go to your room."

"Please Eren.." A pair of slender, trembling arms were latched tightly around me as she spoke. She clung to be for dear life and sobbed into my chest.

I wrapped my arms around her tightly for a moment before pulling away slightly so my arms were wound around her shoulders so that I could lead her to the hall that was just a short distance away. Her safety was so close, yet she was so reluctant to save herself, but i knew she would be. She tried to push back against my arms to free herself, but I kept my grip as tight as I could without hurting her.

"Mikasa, I'm going to be okay. But please, please just go to your room. I'll be in there in a minute, I promise." I turned her to look at me once we were at the start of the hall, looking into her eyes with a look that said I wasn't asking her, I was telling her.

"But-"

"Mikasa." I said sternly, pointing down the hall.

She took a deep, shaky breath before turning around and reluctantly running down the hall, pausing once to look back at me to which I gave her a reassuring nod and forced smile. Then the sound of her light, small footsteps disappeared completely and then she was locked safely behind her bedroom door.

I inhaled a deep breath and gathered all my courage, willing myself to run over to my parents who were now locked in another screaming match before I lost my courage. It was just as he raised his hand high in the air to strike her once more that I shoved myself between them with all my might, standing in front of mom with my arms spread out protectively and now facing dads furious glare.

"Stop it!" I shouted, trying my best to beep my voice from shaking. But of course I failed.

"Eren no! Sweetie run to your room now, mommy can deal with this on her own." Mom pleaded from behind me, but it was too late now. I'd already thrown myself in front of the beast to distract him from mom for at least a little while. And if it went as I hoped, he'd forget about her and focus on me. She didn't deserve this.

"Acting tough now you little shit? Your gonna regret stepping in!" He practically screamed in my face, his words slurred and the strong scent of alcohol tainting his breath nearly knocked me back. I wrinkled my nose.

"Fine! Do whatever you want to me, just back off of mom!" I shouted right back, anger and determination flaring inside of me like never before. I still wasn't sure how I ever found it in myself to stand up to him the way I did, but I never regretted it.

He bared his filthy teeth and he growled in a way that sent more of that disgusting smell directly back in my face. Everything inside me was screaming to back down, to run away like a coward. But even if I did that, I had provoked him enough to come after me. Not that I even planned on running, I had made my decision and I wasn't moving, no matter how much I knew I should.

He said nothing, he simply stared down at me with eyes glazed over with sheer anger and hatred. Then finally he decided to speak with actions, he growled once more and raised his fist, and before I knew it was coming; his fist had collided hard against the side of my face.

It shocked me slightly since he had always been careful with where he hits us, even when he was drunk off his ass he still had enough sense to make sure of that much. He only left marks on places that can be covered so that no questions arise. But this time he had struck me directly in the face where there would be no hope of hiding it, unless of course I hid it with an excuse, which that's what it came to later on.

I stumbled back only slightly and forced myself to stay quiet, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing my pain. I slowly turned my head back to face him, glaring up at him with pure hate shining in my eyes. I steadied myself once more and remained unmoving. He's done worse, so just that hit alone wouldn't cause me to back down. But I knew it was only the beginning of what would be one of the worst beatings I have ever experienced from him.

The next hit sent me to the cold hard ground, he'd kicked me from the side, resulting in me flying to the floor a few feet from where I was originally standing. I hissed quietly and tried to boost myself back up after a few moments, my arms shaking as I tried my best to ignore the shooting pain in my side and focus on getting to my feet. However I was pushed back down to the floor harshly by a foot on my lower back, the blow knocking the air out of my lungs.

"Grisha stop it!" I could hear moms frantic protest, but I knew she wouldn't put herself in between us. She was scared of him, so scared that not even her son getting beat would motivate her to interject in any way that wasn't simply verbal. But I knew that even voicing her protest took enough guts.

I coughed and gasped desperately for the air that I had just lost, my lungs burning in my chest as I fought to breath, but I was only able to take in short and ragged breaths. Then the foot on my back disappeared, only to connect with my ribs moments later. I inhaled sharply, resulting in another coughing fit from the sudden forced intake that left my lungs aching unbearably.

I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from crying out, I was determined not to give him that much. He could beat me to the brink of death and I would still refuse to make a sound. Though that seemed to only serve to piss him off further, he was a monster, he wanted to know how much pain he was putting me through and the fact that I was trying so hard to hide it infuriated him further.

Another kick landed on my side, then another, and another. I lost track of how many times he had kicked me, I was in far too much pain to focus on that much no matter how desperately I would have tried, if I even had the will to. I screwed my eyes shut as tightly as I possibly could and kept my hand pressed hard against my mouth to keep in the heavy sobs that raked my body along with the sharp inhales induced by unbearable pain.

Then suddenly the kicking stopped, though I barley noticed since the damage he left in his wake was still there, it was more intense than a few seconds before and getting worse with each passing second. My body involuntarily flinched repeatedly, expecting to feel another crushing kick that I never received.

"Stand up, Eren." He spat my name venomously, staring down at me with cold eyes filled with cruelty.

Every single bone in my body screamed for me to stay down, to curl into myself and accept whatever punishment disobeying would get me. Because honestly I didn't know if I was even capable of standing at the moment. 

"Did you fucking hear me boy?! I said stand up!" Another crushing blow to my side pulled a cry of agony from my lips before I could stop it, and I decided that standing would be my best option since he would most likely focus of beating a different area if i did so, I couldn't take the kicking anymore.

I dropped my hand from my mouth and wiped the tears away from my face with my sleeve, sniffling once and gasping in pain as I attempted to push myself up. My arms shook violently as I used them to support myself and the second I actually put the pressure of my weight on my feet, I felt like collapsing. My whole body hurt and I wanted so badly to just collapse back into the floor.

"Your pathetic." He said in a low tone that sent a chill down my spine.

Then I was pushed forcefully back against the wall, feet away from where my mother still stood, horrified and frozen with fear. I felt the ache of my head colliding with the wall behind me and my hands clawed at the wall desperately to find anything that I could clutch for leverage, but of course there was nothing.

Two hands wrapped firmly around my neck caught me before I had the chance to fall back on the ground, my eyes widened in shock as the grip got even tighter and my hands flew up to instead claw at his wrists in a vain effort to get him to let me go.

"Grisha let him go!" My mother shouted from besides me, taking a shaky and hesitant step forward. "Please.. please stop! Your going to kill him!"

His head snapped over to glare at her hatefully, his grip only getting tighter and I began to cough in a desperate attempt to get more air into my lungs as they began to burn with the need for oxygen.

"Shut the fuck up or your going to get it next." He growled viciously before returning his attention to me. "Your lucky that I don't kill you, I really fucking should for the way you tried to save your bitch of a mother from getting what she deserved."

I was trying so hard to keep the hateful glare, but the edges of my vision were slowly beginning to fade and I was faltering. I was about to pass out and I knew it, no, I was about to die. Even though he said he wasn't going to kill me, I was going to die.

But then finally his iron grip was gone and he had released me. I hacked and coughed in an attempt to suck in as much air as I could and let myself fall down to the floor and lean against the wall. My lungs ached with the need for oxygen that I was so desperately trying to return to them and I felt extremely light headed. I barley noticed the sound of the door slamming shut beside me and the wall I was leaning against rattling from the sheer force of the slam.

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and I couldn't stop myself from flinching away, forcing myself back though the wall prevented me from moving any further. I looked up with tear filled eyes to see my mom on her knees in front of me, tears filling her golden eyes as well.

"Eren sweetie, i'm so sorry.." Her voice trembled as she spoke. "You really shouldn't have done that, you have to let mommy take car of her own problems."

And suddenly the pain occupying my mind was replaced with a sudden flash of rage. "He shouldn't be beating you like that!" I snapped, though the rage wasn't directed at her.

She shook her head and closed her eyes, wiping the tears off of her already tear streaked face before pulling me carefully into her arms. I felt her gentle fingers feeling around various areas of my ribs and I could only assume that she was checking for any broken ones. And honestly it wouldn't surprise me if there were, it hurt so damn bad.

A sigh of relief escaped her lips and she pulled me against her tighter. "Thank god, I don't think he broke anything. Are you okay? Does anything else hurt?"

Everything fucking hurt. But I wasn't about to call her on what a stupid question she just asked. I had something more important to tend to at the moment, something else that had just occurred to me. I pushed myself away from her and struggled to get to my feet, though succeeding regardless. But my knees were still shaky and pain still pulsed through my body.

"Eren...?" Her voice was questioning and somewhat hurt.

"I'm fine, I promise. But I need to go to Mikasas room, I told her i'd be in there soon." I said, trying my best to hide how much pain I was in. I might as well practice doing that now since I was most definitely not about to let Mikasa know just how badly I just got beat. She couldn't know that.

"Your such a good boy Eren.." She too stood up, placing her hands on my shoulder. "A better man than Grisha will ever be. But you can't defend me at moments like the one that just happened. But please, do defend Mikasa. Shes not as capable of bearing the pain. I'm not telling you to blindly throw yourself in front of her if it only means you both will get hurt, but do your best to keep her away from him." She looked directly into my eyes as she spoke.

"He shouldn't be doing this to any of us.." I said, and it was the absolute truth. It was fucked up beyond belief that we all had to adapt to this life of pain and the most unbearable thing about it was that Mikasa had to get use to it. This reality was also her reality, and I would always do everything in my power to prevent her from getting hurt. Though it was inevitable, I would sure as hell try.

"I know, but I've told you both that we can't leave. I cant leave him. He'll do something far worse if I take you guys and leave." She was trying to sugar coat her words, though I knew what she meant all too well. He would kill us.

I sighed heavily and turned to walk away without another word, I didn't want to stand there and talk about it anymore. I just wanted to be with Mikasa because I knew she needed it. I walked as fast as my current state would let me down the dark hallway, stopping at her door to compose myself before stepping in.

She was on her bed curled up into a ball and when she had heard the door open, she immediately pushed herself up into a sitting position and backed against the wall. I could tell that I had scared her, she probably thought I was dad and the fact that it pulled this reaction from her broke my heart. 

Her eyes were slightly red, as were her cheeks. Tears stains streaked down her face, some still wet and recent. I replaced whatever expression had been on my face with one of care and concern, I shut the door softly behind me and walked over to her bed. As I got closer I could hear just got uneven her breathing was.

"He left for now, don't worry." I assured her as I took a seat in the middle of her bed, trying not to wince as a shock of pain rippled through my body.

"Did he hurt you?" Her voice was quiet and shaky, it broke half way through her sentence and broke my heart even more.

"No, he just yelled for a really long time. I'm okay." I lied, but I had no choice but to lie. I couldn't let her know where my sacrifice had gotten me.

Though even if I ended up beaten and in agonizing pain that was damn near unbearable, I wouldn't take back my actions. I had defended my mom and managed to distract the beast from her long enough for him to completely forget that he was supposed to be hurting her instead of me. He had left the house and we were all safe, and I was thankful for that even though it was only for a little while.

And I got the feeling I would be pulling such heroic actions a lot more often.

"You promise?" She said, looking at me with pained eyes that I just couldn't look into and lie.

So instead I pulled her into my arms and ignored how much the strain of her weight hurt me. She needed to be comforted more than I did and I knew that, I held her smaller body like a baby in my arms tightly and it didn't take her long to wrap her arms around my neck and bury her face in my shoulder. I could feel her shaking in my arms.

"Its going to be okay, I won't let him hurt you.." I said, bringing a hand up to stroke her long black hair comfortingly. She pulled her head back to look at me.

"But then he's just gonna hurt you instead." She said through her sobs, tears still falling down her face. I pushed her head gently back to my shoulder so she could rest it there once more.

"I don't care what he does to me, as long as he's not hurting you. I can and will do anything to protect you Mikasa." I said softly, trying to keep the bite out of my tone for her sake. "But i'll be okay, I can deal with this."

"I'm not weak Eren." She said, but her tone betrayed her and told a whole different story.

"I didn't say you were, but your my little sister and i'm going to do everything in my power to keep so safe from him." I half whispered, being sure to keep my tone in check. I knew she wasn't going to agree to and and I didn't expect her to, but she had no choice but to accept it because I wasn't backing down.

I held her for quite some time after that and once she had finally calmed down enough to talk properly, she asked me if I would stay with her through the night. I of course accepted her request and slept in her bed, doing my best to stay awake even after she had fallen fast asleep because I was scared dad would return and come for her next. But he never did, at least not for the night.

I began sleeping in her room a lot more often, at least every night dad was home. Which was a good chunk of the week so I barley got any sleep since I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could to keep watch. Luckily he never came into her room, mostly because I always stepped out into the house when he got home and made sure that he wouldn't go down the hall, and if he tried, I would provoke him into hurting me.

There were a handful of occasions where I threw myself in front of mom to protect her, but it wasn't that often since I always got scolded after it and I was mainly focused on only protecting Mikasa. And so far I was doing a good job, the thought that I was keeping her safe from that monster motivated me to take what he gives to me, no matter how unbearable it is.

It wasn't till about a year after that night that I met Armin when I entered middle school, he was the only one who tried to talk to me and from the looks of it he was quite similar to me. I soon found out that no one was willing to talk to him either and he was ignored just as much as I was. So we instantly clicked and he became my best and only friend.

And it was mere months after that that I took to hurting myself. Dad was home more than he had ever been and a few kids at school had began making it a routine to pick on me as often as they could. Their words wouldn't have bothered me as much as they did if I hadn't already had all this stress. It was like their picking was the last drop that caused everything to over flow.

\----

The urge came to me one day when I came home from school. Mikasa was staying the night at her friends house, since she was a more sociable person than I was despite the fact that her life was just as fucked up as mine, and that was good. I wanted her to be out of the house because it was only a matter of time till dad went after her.

Said monster was currently passed out on the couch, so I quickly but silently slipped past him to escape to the safety of my room, at least for now. I stepped into my room and shut my door quietly, resisting the urge to slam my backpack down and punch anything that came into sight first.

That particular day had been one of the worst so far, after school an 8th grade boy and his friend cornered me in the hallway as I was trying to leave school as fast as I could and teased me for a while. Just calling me names and insulting every little thing they could find, that much was standard. But the boy who was doing most of the teasing then raised his hand as if he were about to punch me.

My first instinct was of course to flinch away and whimper from the pain I knew would come. Dad was the first thing that came to mind and I found myself preparing for another beating, though the punch never landed on my face. Instead I heard booming laughter from both the boy and his friend, somehow they found my reflex to be the most hilarious thing they ever seen.

They both backed off to double over in laughter and I took the chance to bolt, tears threatening to spill down my face at any moment. I ignored the few teachers that shouted 'no running' and questioned just where the hell they had been when I was back there being relentlessly tortured with their hurtful words, or if they had seen everything but just didn't care enough to interject.

I threw my backpack hard against my bed in favor of throwing it to the ground and risking dad waking up and ran my fingers through my hair. I was alone now, I normally hung around Armin or Mikasa but now I was left completely alone with my thoughts and I was able to think about everything that was fucked up in my life.

I thought about how dad hated me enough to beat the shit out of me nearly every night, about how mom hated me enough to stand by and let it happen, about how everyone in school hated me enough to either ignore me or tease me. Everything was getting to me in that moment and it was like I could physically feel it eating away at my sanity.

And in that moment I felt a rush of particular anger, something I would later identify as self hatred. I was suddenly most upset at myself over anyone, thinking that this was all somehow my fault. The thought of how I wished I was never born crossed my mind, and that was the first time I truly had the thought of wanting to die. And for once it wasn't because I was just in so much pain or thought I was going to, it was because I truly wanted to not be alive. I didn't deserve to be.

All the bullies were right, dad was right, I was pathetic. Stupid, ugly, worthless, I should kill myself!

Before I could even register where my feet were taking me, I was stopped in front of my dresser and reaching for a comb with particularly sharp teeth. I didn't know why I needed to do it, but I needed to. I pulled up my sleeve and began repeatedly dragging the teeth up and down my forearm until I was nearly bleeding.

The tears that were flowing down my face began to slow and my breathing became a bit more even, it hurt but I was able to find a sick comfort in it. I had managed to calm myself down by hurting myself, I wasn't quite sure how that worked but it had. I pulled the comb away and tossed it aside, instead looking down at the damage I had done.

I had scratched my skin nearly raw, it was beginning to puff up in the spots I scraped. The red contracted with the various deep bruises left on my arms from dad and the sight gave me twisted satisfaction. This time I was in control of what marks I left on my body, and the idea of that was unsettelingly pleasant.

But as realization began to set in, I understood what I had truly done. With a heavy sigh I threw myself back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling. I wasn't sure where that urge had even come from or how long it had been building up without my knowing, but I acted on it without a thought. I didn't think about what I was doing before I did it but it felt right. I was ashamed of myself for resorting to this, but at the same time I didn't care and I had every intention of doing it again.

All it took was that one time, and then I was hooked. I was able to find peace in my own self destruction, even if it was only momentary. I began hurting myself more often, mostly after particularly bad days in school or after one of dads attacks. I was soon even able to do it while in Mikasas room without her noticing, since I spent a fair amount of time with her when he was home. I simply scratched at my arms under my sleeves until I was able to calm down.

It started off so simple, scratching, biting, even hitting myself. But I needed more, I needed to see blood. My urge to watch myself bleed was sickening when I have split second moments of 'why am I doing this', but its damn near uncontrollable none the less. I had already gotten myself addicted to mutilating myself and the addiction was only getting worse.

And I let it without a second thought, I wanted it to.

I spent a good chunk of my week trying to figure out how I could draw blood, how I could actually cut my skin open. I considered the thought of a kitchen knife a few times, but I couldn't take one without mom noticing it was gone since she spent most of her time in the kitchen on the rare occasion that she was home for more than three hours and not sleeping already.

I have to admit, I felt extremely stupid one day when I was doing my homework and I spotted the tiny razor blade so weakly binded to its plastic casing. How had I never thought of this before? Only a simple cheap screw held the blade to the small hand held sharpener, and it didn't even quite require a screw driver to get it out. Anything I could find that was sturdy, flat and thin would do the trick. And in my case a metal nail file worked like a charm.

My heart skipped in my chest as the screw popped loose and the blade slid loosely out of place, resting at a slant inside of the plastic case. I tossed the file aside carelessly, followed by the screw, and then flipped the sharpener over. The cool metal blade fell into my palm, leaving the sharpener a useless hollow shell. I threw it too aside without looking exactly where it went, I could only hear the soft thump as it hit the white carpet of my bedroom floor.

I was hesitant, it seemed like a great idea in my head, like it was something that I absolutely needed. But could I actually go through with it?

My stomach turned nervously as i turned the blade over between my fingertips cautiously, being careful not to cut my fingers open. It was definitely sharp, its shining sliver gleam against the light beckoned me like an angel of death, urging me forward in my actions. And in that moment I was 100% sure of myself.

I rolled up my sleeve and gazed down at my arm that had already been mutilated by various red scratches and deep bruises left by both my father and myself. I chose a spot on my skin that was more on the clear side and pressed the sharp edge down lightly, hesitating for a split second as my skin dented down under the pressure before closing my eyes and jerking my hand in a short fluid motion.

It hurt, but not in a way that I expected. It wasn't an unbearable pain, it was a good pain. I took a deep, content breath and opened my eyes once more to look at what I had done. 

It was a small cut, thin and simple. But it still bled quite a bit. The crimson beads rose to the top of the cut quickly and collected together before rolling down my arm slowly. I found myself mesmerized with the red trail flowing slowly down my arm, but it was when it began curving around the side of my arm that I pulled myself back to reality and realized that I had nothing to wipe the blood with.

I scrambled to my feet and ran across the room to fetch a black short sleeve tee shirt from my dresser that I knew I would never be wearing again and used it to catch the drop of blood just before it had the chance to drip down onto the pure white carpet. I sighed in relief and made my way back over to my bed, sitting down and taking the razor between my fingers once more.

I marred my arms with many cuts that night, while they weren't that deep, they still hurt so good and I found myself unable to stop. I wasn't satisfied. I only stopped when I realized that I was taking up too much room on my arms if I ever wanted to do this again, which I knew I would. So I reluctantly pulled the blade away from my arm and tucked it away safely between the pages of one of my school notebooks that I didn't use too often.

Armin and Mikasa didn't look twice when I began only wearing long sleeves, even in the middle of summer. They both knew the reason why, or at least the original reason why. They knew I did it to hide the marks of dads abuse, but they had no idea that I was now also using it to hide my own.

The cutting habit formed extremely fast, within a week I found myself doing it nearly everyday, even if I had no real reason to. I just felt like I needed it, like it was something that I couldn't live without and I couldn't understand how I ever did. I was always able to find time to do it, when I wasn't able to be left alone I would slip out of Mikasas room for a few minutes, saying I was going to the bathroom but really taking my blade to the bathroom and mutilating my arms.

I soon even began doing it in school, be it in between periods or in the middle of them, I'd excuse myself to 'go to the restroom' but once I got there I was able to get my quick fix and finally be able to breath for the moment.

My number of blades multiplied over time as did the depth of the cuts. It had only taken me a few months to begin cutting extremely deep, but I was always careful to avoid the point of stitches. I couldn't risk anyone finding out. I knew mom wouldn't really care and dad definitely wouldn't, in fact he'd probably applaud me for doing his job for him. But I knew Armin and Mikasa would care.

I had always been good at hiding my pain but I soon became the absolute master of it, I was able to play off insults from bullies like it was nothing in front of Armin and pretend that dads physical and verbal abuse didn't effect me at all what so ever in front of Mikasa. As long as I had my blade, I was able to hide all my inner problems from the people around me and fake a smile like it was nothing.

It was almost sad that they believed me, Armin and Mikasa were the closest people in the world to me and yet they didn't notice a thing. I suppose that was a good thing, though. It only meant I was doing an amazing job at hiding it. But a small part of me was always hoping that one of them would notice how broken I was and try to get me the help I truly needed, but an even bigger part of me knew that even if they did I would refuse any help that was offered and insist that I was absolutely fine.

Because I couldn't burden them with my problems.

They all had issues of their own. Armin was dealing with not having any parents and living with with grandfather who was barley home as it was and Mikasa was dealing with the same home life as I. Though she had it slightly less bad since I constantly acted as her protector from dad and she had many friends that she could run off to and stay with, so she was at least out of the house often.

But I was stuck there. I had no friends. Save for those two people I was completely alone in the world and I got the feeling that it would be that way forever. I found it impossible to believe that I would ever live a happy life with friends and a good boyfriend. And I didn't really want that. Besides the fact I knew it was simply impossible to reach, I was content with my life of self destruction.

I liked coming home and spending my life hidden in my room, tearing my body to shreds and bleeding onto various ruined towels. I was use to faking smiles around my two friends and pretending to be okay. I was use to crying myself to sleep every single night. I was use to the verbal abuse from kids at school and I was use to dads insults and proclaims of hatred towards me along with his relentless beatings. 

That was my life and I accepted it as it was because it wasn't ever going to change.

Sure I would eventually move out someday and not have to deal with dads abuse, but the scars from it would always be there. The damage done was permanent and this constant state of sadness was forever. I was bound to die depressed and alone with uncaring parents and two friends that would eventually leave me.

But the mere thought that I would even be able to make it to the age of 18 was always unlikely, I was almost positive that I would be dead by then. Either by one of dads beatings or by my own hand. Taking my life was always an option on the table for me and it was something I was willing to do if it came to it. Death didn't scare me, I spent my teenage years flirting with death with every gash I tore into my skin and I wasn't scared of it one bit. If anything I would welcome it at any chance I could get.

Though I was probably 16 when I discovered the joys of alcohol and cigarettes, furthering my flirtation with death. They weren't hard to obtain, with my mom being a heavy smoker and dad being an alcoholic. I wasn't sure why I never thought of it before but I first began stealing varying amounts of whiskey from one of the many open bottles of it that sat atop our kitchen cabinets and storing it in a water bottle under my bed.

The first time I tried it, it was absolutely disgusting. I had tried it straight and I couldn't even bring myself to swallow it, it was extremely strong and I couldn't take the taste. So I gave it up for the time being.

The next time I tried it was a few days later, and this time I came prepared with coke in a plastic cup from the kitchen. I poured some of the golden liquid in with the soda and hesitated before taking a sip. And I didn't gag this time, but the strong taste was still defiantly noticeable and it burned as it slid down my throat.

But it wasn't unbearable, so I refused to simply quit. I ended up drinking the whole cup and three more. I guessed around three give or take shots went into my system that much and it was enough to give me a buzz. I wasn't sure what I was feeling since I never experienced the effects of alcohol before, but I didn't dislike it at all.

Later on in the same week I tried a clear alcohol I found in another bottle accompanying the golden ones, this one was vodka and I found it far less disgusting. I could barley taste it mixed in with anything I chose. So I decided I liked that one the best.

I never made much of a habit out of drinking, but I did enjoy locking myself in my room and getting drunk every now and again to simply forget about my problems. No one ever noticed the varying amounts of alcohol disappearing from the many bottles scattering all across our cabinets, and I was thankful for that. No one ever found out about what I was doing, just another dirty secret kept successfully.

And once I found out how much I enjoyed that deadly activity, I figured I might as well take up another. My mom always kept several packs of cigarettes in the last cabinet in our kitchen, she had taken to smoking away her stress, resulting in her as well as our home smelling of smoke. Not to mention also of alcohol from dad.

So why not try to do the same as her?

\----

She wasn't home when I did it. Neither was dad or Mikasa. I was home alone, and I was thankful for that. Even if it was rare that mom or dad bothered me when I was already in my room, I still loved it when no one was home. It gave me a strange sense of peace.

I had just gotten off from school and Mikasa went home with one of her friends, it had been on my mind all day and I couldn't wait to get home to try out smoking for the first time. As soon as I walked into the door I instantly turned to the cabinet that mom kept her cigarettes in and stole one from one of the open boxes, then snagging a lighter from the dish of various random things on the coffee table before setting off to my room and locking myself behind the door.

I sat on the edge of my bed and turned the thin stick between my fingers, looking it over. Most of it being white but the end was brown where the filter was, I had watched mom light them many times before, so I mimicked her. I placed the brown part between my lips and brought the lighter up to the end, flicking the flame on and lighting the end, taking a deep inhale to light it.

Though I instantly drew back, grabbing the cigarette between my fingers and holding it far away from me as I coughed a cloud of smoke. I continued hacking pathetically for quite some time, long enough for tears to form in my eyes at least. I groaned once the fit had passed and looked down at the cigarette between my fingers, as if it had offended me. It was burning slowly and emitting a thin stream of smoke form its tip that was turning to ash.

I took a deep breath and decided to try it again, bringing the filter back to my lips and sucking on it. This time I kept the smoke in my mouth instead of inhaling it deep into my lungs as I had before. I parted my lips and watched as smoke began to flow up into the air in front of my face. Once all the smoke had left my mouth, I noticed it had left a small tingling sensation on my tongue that I didn't know if I liked or not.

I brought it back up to my mouth and sucked in more smoke, letting it flow a bit down my throat this time. I was able to control my coughing this time, finding it a lot smoother now that I was taking it slower.

It took me a while of practice to get the whole smoking thing down correctly, failing often and ending up coughing my lungs out. But with time it began to grow smoother and smoother, I was able to get the smoke into my lungs without being thrown into a coughing fit and I couldn't help but be proud of myself. I had trained my body to adapt to yet another deadly habit.

Mom never noticed when her cigarettes began disappearing steadily, but Armin had noticed when I began coming to school smelling heavily of smoke, I admitted to him that I had taken to smoking after me hammered me with questions over the course of a few days and he was not happy about it. But he didn't get mad, he just constantly reminded me how bad it was for me and that I could die from it, and I always had to hold my tongue and keep myself from saying something like 'I hope it does'. Because honestly I did.

I always hoped that this lifestyle of mine would lead me to a early grave, I found myself longing for each cigarette to me my last or purposely drinking more than I should in hopes of it permanently destroying my body in a way that would result in death. I wanted to 'accidentally' cut deep enough to bleed out. But it didn't happen, and I suppose as far as smoking and drinking goes, I simply hadn't done it long enough for it to truly effect me.

It should go without saying that this lifestyle of mine resulted in my grades plummeting to the lowest they've ever been. And that was another thing that Armin did notice. Mom didn't really care since she had worse things to concern herself with, but Armin sure as hell cared. He was the top of our class and not about to let me fail.

It was senior year when my grades got to their lowest, almost all F's. Every other year I had just barley passed by but at this rate this year I would actually fail the grade. It was early enough in the year that Armin decided to take my failure under his control and do his very best to keep my grades as high as he possibly could help me achieve.

I wasn't too willing, but I had no choice but to accept the study sessions he called at the end of nearly every school day at his house. I had tried to get him to just do my work for me or let me copy from him multiple times, but he insisted that I would never get any better if I didn't learn for myself.

But it was one of those late nights of studying that I thought my life had been sent tumbling down, but ended up actually helping me more than anything ever did.

\----

I was careless, I had forgotten about the little problems scattering every inch on my arms. Armin requested that I pass him a paper that happened to be slightly closer to my spot on the floor, but I still had to lean over to grab it. We were talking so carelessly and I hadn't thought about clutching the end of my sleeve before reaching as I had made a habit of doing up until that point.

The second the gasp left his lips and the sorrow filled his sky blue eyes, I knew I had fucked up. My sleeve had ridden up just enough to expose quite a few deep cuts and various pink or white scars. The look on his face broke my heart, a look of pure shock and hurt. This was why I did my damn best to hide it, I didn't want him to concern himself like I knew he was going to. Like he is now.

"Eren. Show me your arm." He demanded, his tone holding the edge of pain but still stern.

"No." I crossed my arms and clutched the ends of my sleeves as I should have done in the first place, looking away from him because I knew I couldn't meet his gaze at the moment.

"Damn it Eren, I said show me your arm." His tone didn't hold a threat, but it was still firm.

I didn't say another word, I just reluctantly held my arm out for him to examine. I refused to look at him as he rolled my sleeve up, reveling all the permanent damage I have done to myself over the years. I was thankful that the ones past my elbow weren't visible since they were slightly deeper.

"Why..." He questioned silently in a tone filled with sheer pain, I didn't think before looking over at him and I instantly regretted it.

He had tears building in the brims of his eyes that began slipping down his cheeks just as I looked over at him, his eyes were still locked on the disturbing collection of gashes and scars littering every inch of my skin.

Then I felt his arms around me, nearly knocking me back on the floor in a forceful hug. I could tell he was crying onto my shoulder by the way he was shaking as I wrapped my arms around him. His tears had managed to bring me to tears also. 

We stayed in that position until I felt myself capable of pulling away and telling him the cold truth.

"Its just.. everything. I can't take it, all the bullies on top of my dad beating the shit out of me all the time. They all make me feel so horrible about myself. They remind me everyday of how ugly and worthless I am, how the world would just be better off without me. No one fucking cares about my existence, and oh god Armin I just can't take it anymore."

I was sobbing uncontrollably by the end of my little speech and he too had tears still spilling down his face at a rather fast rate. I could tell this was hurting him almost as much as it was hurting me since he probably didn't know a thing about how I truly felt. I covered my face in my hands, unable to bear the knowledge that he could see me looking so broken. My shoulders shook violently as I sobbed into my hands.

Then I felt his arms around me once more, a lot more gentle this time. I didn't move, I just stayed there with my face in my hands and let him hold me because I knew damn well that I needed it.

"Eren... I had no idea you felt this way. I'm so sorry I didn't notice sooner. I'm so so sorry, how could I have missed this? I should have payed more attention. I'm so sorry Eren.." I could tell he was blaming himself and that was the last thing I wanted, it wasn't his fault at all. I was just so good at hiding my life from even the closest people, it was my fault for not seeking help.

"Its not your fault.." I spoke in the strongest voice I could manage and dropped my hands back to my sides. I refused to look at him when he pulled away slightly to do just that.

"It is, I didn't do anything to help you."

"You didn't know I needed help."

"But I should have!" He snapped, loosing his composure for a second before sighing and regrouping. He was silent for a long time, but then he spoke once more. "How long since you started... that."

I had to debate if I should lie or not, because the actual amount of time in my life I spent mutilating myself was definitely startling but I also knew lying would get me no where.

"Since I met you..." I admitted, not using the actual number in hopes of it cushioning the sheer amount of years i've been doing this, but sure enough he was quick as a whip to pick up on that.

"Seven years?!" He gasped, pulling away completely to look at me fully, though I refused to meet his eyes because I already knew what I would find there. Hurt.

"Yeah.. but I promise its not as bad as you think. I'm fine, just don't worry yourself with me." I tried even though I knew it was getting me no where. He had seen the evidence that I was in fact the opposite of fine, seven years of pure sadness and despair covering every inch of both of my arms. Though he didn't see my other arm and not to mention my thighs.

"You are not fine, Eren. You need to get help because you can't go on like this, you can't keep hurting yourself." His voice was filled to the brim with sorrow that made my heart ache with the guilt of being the one to put it there.

"I don't need help! I told you that i'll be fine and I mean it. I've gone my whole life without help and I want to spend the rest of my life that way." I snapped, I didn't really mean to take it out on him because he was only trying to help, but I really didn't fucking want help.

He was silent for a long while, long enough for me to feel the need to look up. And when I did, I felt guilt deep in my gut from the look of hurt on his face. I had yelled at him and I didn't really mean to, not at him at least because he was the last person on earth that deserved that. I sighed.

"Have you ever..." He hesitated and got suddenly quiet, I thought he was about to drop whatever he had been trying to ask completely until he finally spoke up once more. "Have you ever thought about.. killing yourself?" I could tell it was hard for him to ask and I knew it was going to be even harder to answer honestly.

"I have.." I answered, and I almost regretted telling the truth as I watched his expression twist in sorrow and tears begin to fill his eyes again.

"Please Eren... Please don't you ever do that. Do you know how much that would hurt me? Your my best friend in the world.. And think about Mikasa, she has looked up to you her whole life and she still does. You can't just leave us behind, we love you. Please, please just let us help you"

'Us'. As in he was going to tell Mikasa. I honestly didn't know if I could handle that. It was something I never thought about until this point, i've always been determined to do everything in my power to keep it a secret from her above all else because he was right. She did look up to me, she thought me much stronger than I actually was because I put up that act every time she was around but then broke down into a pathetic mess when I was alone. I didn't even want to think of how she was going to react to this.

"Your going to tell her?"

"Well you cant just keep it a secret forever." He said.

"That's what I was planning to do and I would have done if you hadn't found out like this." I stated honestly, because that was in fact exactly what I planned to do.

"I am begging you, let us help you." He pleaded, placing his hands over my own.

"I told you I don't need help."

"But you do."

I sighed heavily. I didn't want to get help, I really really didn't. So I wasn't about to accept it right away, if at all.

"I'll tell Mikasa, and that's it. Nothing else." I said and knew I would definitely regret it but I really had no choice.

He sighed in what I assumed to be relief, seeming to accept what little I was willing to give him because at least it was progress.

"Thank you... And I promise that i'm going to be here for you from here out, if you ever need me feel free to come stay with me. Actually I want you to stay with me a lot more often. I promise i'm going to help you get through this no matter what."

And he was right, He was there for me from that point on and I had taken to staying with him a lot more often. I took maybe a week or less to mentally prepare myself to tell Mikasa, I took the week to do that and also give my cuts time to heal. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, trying not to cut on my arms, but I had succeeded. I still did cut on my thighs, but no one needed to know about that. Don't get me wrong, I tried not to cut at all, but it was just too hard. At least the wounds on my arms were healed and my little sister didn't have to witness the open gashes as Armin did.

But it was the absolute hardest thing that i've ever done when I had to actually tell Mikasa about my self destruction.

\----

"Hey Mikasa, I really need to talk to you." I stated rather nervously, though I tried to hide that the best I could.

She looked up at me curiously. We had been sitting on her bed in her room, which changed a lot over time. It seemed like not so long ago that we were just kids sitting around in her pretty pink room that undoubtedly belonged to a little girl. But now the pink walls were nearly all covered in various band posters and a 16 year old Mikasa sat before me. She was nearly an adult, able to take care of herself just fine and as her big brother I hated that.

We were only separated by two years, but perhaps it was just that I always acted far older than I really was that made the gap seem like so much more. But she had done quite a bit of growing up herself, she was no longer timid and weak like she had been all those years ago when she hid in her room while I stood up to dad. She was now fully capable of thinking for herself, she could get up and retreat to a friends house if she needed to. She didn't need me like she did when we were little, but we both kept out bond as strong as ever.

"Whats up?" She questioned, curiosity shining behind her bright grey orbs.

I hesitated and found myself unable to voice what I needed to say. A lump formed in my throat that I just couldn't swallow. All I could do is sigh and look down as I tried to gather enough composure to make it through the confession.

"Eren... What is it?" She asked, concerned now. She of course could see how shaken up I was now since for once I did nothing to hide it.

"I..." I attempted but the words caught in my throat. I screwed my eyes shut tightly and took another deep breath through my nose. "I need to tell you something but please don't freak out."

When I opened my eyes, I could see the pure curiosity and slight worry behind her features as she watched me carefully.

"You know you can tell me anything." She said after a few moments of silence. I sighed once more.

"Its just that... i'm not as strong as you think I am. I'm actually really weak. All these things i've gone through, I play them off around you and I..." I paused to swallow the lump in my throat that began forming once more. "I'm not strong, Mikasa."

I couldn't look at her face anymore as I watched it contort in confusion and concern, I looked away.

"Eren, your scaring me." Her voice was quiet and unsure, I knew this was probably confusing her so I continued on to the point, as much as I didn't want to.

"I hurt myself." I said quickly and quietly, but I knew she heard me. The air around us suddenly grew tense and heavy, I could feel her eyes on me even though I absolutely refused to look at her. I didn't want to know what she looked like right now.

"You... you what?" I could tell that she was bordering tears at the moment, she knew exactly what I meant and I could hear it in her voice. She just didn't want to believe it. I didn't want her to, I wanted her to go unaware of her big brothers pain forever.

"I'm sorry..." I choked out, unaware of the tears that were forming in my eyes until that moment.

"For how long...?" Her voice was shaking, I knew she was fighting off tears.

I looked back at her and wiped the tears before they could manage to slip down my face. "Seven years.." My voice broke and more tears began flowing uncontrollably, despite how hard I tried to keep up my strong act.

"Can you show me?" She whispered, shaking her head slightly as if she couldn't believe me, she needed to see proof because she just couldn't believe that her 'strong' brother would do such a thing. My heart shattered in my chest.

I would have been more uncomfortable with the thought if there were actual cuts, but there were only scars on my arm at this point so it was slightly less bad. It was still humiliating in a way, but I still pulled my sleeve up only a little, only slightly past my wrist, and held my arm out for her to see.

She gasped and grabbed my arm, staring at the thick lines in varying shades of dark pink to white. I felt her pulling up the sleeve further and tried to snatch my arm away, but she had me firmly held in place. She stayed silent as she simply stared at my arm in disbelief, her face holding an expression of pure pain.

Then her lip began to quiver and her eyes blurred with tears, a warm drop falling onto my exposed arm before she let out a pained noise and pulled me into her arms. I leaned across the bed so she had to strain less and wrapped my arms around her. She was crying, even though she shouldn't be. Just as Armin did, I hadn't expected either of them to be this hurt over something I did to only hurt myself.

I ran my fingers through her short black locks that she had cut a few years ago, trying to comfort her. "Don't cry. I'll be okay, I promise." I said, even though I too was crying now and fighting desperately to keep my voice steady.

"Why... why didn't you... you tell m-me?" She tried to speak through her sobs, her body shaking just as much as her voice.

I held her tighter and tried to will away my tears, though I knew it wasn't happening until I let it would, so I reluctantly did so.

"I didn't want you to worry about me." I spoke in a voice just as shaky as hers as I began to give in and cry on her shoulder, and this time I felt her tighten her grip on me.

We stayed like that for a long time, I wasn't quite sure how long but I didn't really care. She had stopped crying long before me, but she let me get it all out, only letting me go when I pulled away on my own. And by the time I did so my cheeks were blotched with red and my eyes were puffy and red as well.

"You need to get help." She said.

"I know, Armin already told me and i'm trying." I sighed.

"Armin knows?"

"Yeah... he found out last week and he was the one who told me that I need to tell you. Don't worry, I want to get help and I want to stop." That was a lie. I didn't want to stop at all but now that the two most important people in the world to me knew of my troubles, maybe I had the material to get better. Even if I didn't want it, it was best for us all.

"I'm going to help you with this Eren, I promise that i'll always be here for you if you ever feel like you need to do that. Please if you ever feel like doing that, come to my room and tell me. I'll try my best to distract you. I love you Eren, and I don't want you to hurt anymore. I don't want you to be in pain. You don't deserve it."

But I do.

She stayed true to her promise, as did Armin. Those two banded together and stayed by my side almost constantly. I of course had moments of relapse, but they didn't get mad at me for it, they only supported me. And I actually found myself getting better.

My self hatred never left, I still hated the way I looked and still thought I didn't deserve a life. But with their help, I at least realized that I could try to find a reason to live.

They actually did manage to help me over the course of a few months. I stopped cutting all together eventually, though I didn't give up smoking and drinking yet, I wasn't ready for that much. But I was getting better none the less, my smiles were becoming more and more genuine and I was feeling true happiness for the first time in forever.

Everything was getting better for me. That was up until that one night where everything came crashing down and the two people I loved the most were ripped away from me by force and I was locked up for what was most likely the rest of my life. I only knew my life of actual happiness for a few short lived months. 

But I didn't loose my will to find happiness, and I eventually found it in the one that I fell in love with in my time at West Trost mental institution for the criminally insane. He couldn't mend my broken soul, but he could help me at least pick myself up. And that's just what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aand I made him more fucked up than I originally planned, but oh well. It'll still do. Yayy next chapter will get back to the story between our lovely babies, but it'll probably mainly focus on Eren eating disorder since I still need to go into depth with that too. Then i'm pretty sure the chapter after that will me smut! ^.^  
> Comment if you liked it and want me to continue, the positive feedback encourages me to keep writing when I loose all motivation!~


	9. chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I updated on time this time! Not much to say about this one except MAJOR trigger warning for anorexia and bulimia! The main focus of this chapter is Eren eating disorder and how it developed, so if that bothers you please take caution before reading on! I tried to keep most of the gruesome details out of it but his mind set was hard to censor since I have to be harsh while writing that for it to be believable. And let me just add, I DO NOT support pro ana or pro mia. Just throwing it out there.  
> Enjoy!~

According to my wall, it was two weeks later that I found myself waking up in his arms, being awoken of course by Hanji. Thankfully she was still in charge of wake up calls and she didn't seem mind covering us at all.

Two weeks of the same routine, everyday was lived just as the other and the one before that. I was beginning to lose the point of why I even decided to keep track of how long I've been here. What was the point? In the end i'd just end up damn near coloring the wall black.

It was so tiring, I missed my old life. Or at least what the last few months of my old life had been, since that was really the happiest I've ever been. But it seems i'm just not meant to be a happy person, so it was all ripped away from me that night with the slip of my finger. Everything changed, and it was just starting to set in that I lost them.

I missed Mikasa and I missed Armin. The only thing making the absence bearable being the few friends I had here and of course Levi, they all served as a great distraction but it wouldn't do the trick forever. The shock and process of accepting my fate here was too much to handle, but the more I accepted it the more I understood exactly what it meant. And it meant I would never ever see the world beyond these hospital walls again.

I groaned as the door slammed shut heavily and Levi and I were left alone to go through our morning routine. My stomach turned uncomfortable as I sat up, it felt hollow. A result of not eating for the whole day yesterday, and little before that. I wasn't sure if anyone besides Levi had remotely caught on to me yet, though I really hoped they didn't.

Levi sat up next to me and drooped his arm over my shoulder, using his other hand to rub sleep from his eyes. At least that was something that made me happy, Levi had told me that he rarely ever slept but when he was with me he was able to sleep peacefully. My heart skipped when he told me that, the thought of me meaning that much to someone was hard to believe but nice regardless.

"Did you sleep well?" He questioned after yawning and stretching out his back a bit. I shrugged.

"I guess, you?" I really hadn't slept too well.

It was gradually growing harder and harder for me to get a good nights sleep, even if I was wrapped in the safety of Levis arms all night. Nightmares were beginning to return, but these ones held memories of the times Mikasa, Armin and I had together. They would have been good dreams if I had been living the relatively normal life that I was beginning months ago, but now they were just heart wrenching and I found myself often waking up with tears in my eyes.

But I always wiped them away before Levi could wake up and notice.

"Mhm," He replied, leaning against me and closing his eyes. "I don't wanna move." He nuzzled his head on my shoulder, his voice sounding sleepy and actually really cute over all else. He was always a lot more touchy feely in the morning before he had a chance to properly wake up.

"I know but we have to." I said with a sigh, wrapping an arm around him and leaning my head on his. I don't think i'll ever get use to being able to touch him like that.

We both stayed just as we were for as long as we could get away with on our time limit, because even though we avoided the topic like the plague, we both knew that we needed moments like that more than anything. Moments to hold each other because we've both never had something like this before even though we both so desperately needed it.

But the moment ended far too soon and we both knew that we had to get going so that we weren't late for breakfast. Though I found myself overcome with a dizziness that left my balance unstable and my vision momentarily black as I stood up, I sat back on the edge of the bed immediately to prevent falling, waiting for everything to still itself around me.

Though I couldn't miss the questioning look Levi sent back at me, stopping in his tracks to his dresser to do so.

"You okay?" The concern was evident in his tone and there was a track of knowing that I could have sworn I heard, but I hoped it was just my paranoid imagination.

I took it easy this time when I stood up, my vision remaining normal this time but I still felt weak on my feet. But of course I faked a smile that I really hated to use around him and lied my way out of suspicion.

"Yeah, just stood up too fast is all." I played it off with a shrug of my shoulders, but he fixed me with a scrutinizing look that worried me that he could see right through the lies before turning around and continuing walking to his dresser.

"If you say so." He said simply, I could hear hints of exasperation as he spoke, I could tell he wasn't necessarily buying it but deciding to leave it alone.

I breathed a mental sigh of relief and began walking myself to my own dresser across from him and focused myself on pulling an outfit together. I was limited with my options now, I made the choice to wear only shirts that were thicker and warmer, it felt a hell of a lot colder lately. It was always cold in here, but it was near unbearable as of late.

I pulled out a crew neck grey sweat shirt that was fuzzy on the inside and paired it with plain black jeans, changing as fast as possible in an attempt to keep away the chill that was inevitable. I failed, of course. It was impossible to change fast enough and I ended up freezing even in the new, slightly warmer clothes. I involuntarily shivered.

And apparently he didn't miss it.

"Are you cold?" He questioned and I had to wonder how the hell he even noticed something so small. It was scary how observant he was sometimes.

I turned to face him and shook my head. 

"No." I wasn't sure why I even lied this time, but I had anyways.

He gave me another look that was crossed between irritation and concern before crossing the fairly short distance left between us in the small room, grabbing my hands in his. I looked down as he threaded our fingers together and couldn't suppress the happiness inside when I took notice that my fingers were slightly thinner than when we first held hands months ago.

His hands were so warm.

"Jesus Eren your hands are freezing!" He said with an expression of actual shock on his face.

And at that I reluctantly pulled my hands away from his warm grasp and turned towards the door, not daring to look at whatever his reaction would be from my sudden actions.

"Are they? I must have caught a chill when I was getting dressed." I lied as if it were nothing, and it really wasn't at this point. But I just hated lying to him, even though I knew if I kept this up I would have to do it a lot more.

I opened our door and stepped out without him at my side, and somewhere in my mind it registered how rude that probably came off as but I couldn't concern myself with it right now. I began rubbing my hands together quickly in an attempt to warm them that proved fruitless, they remained just as cold.

He soon appeared at my side as I was walking, which probably wasn't a hard task for him since I wasn't walking particularly fast. I kept my eyes forward to avoid his gaze that I knew was on me, I could feel his eyes staring at me. He was suspicious of me now, and maybe he has been for a while. But he was expressing his concern now.

"You know you can tell me anything right?" He said, his tone a lot softer than before.

Of course he was noticing, it was only a matter of time and I knew it. And as much as I wanted to tell him everything, I would much rather keep it all to myself. He has his own problems and he didn't need to be burdened with mine. So I looked over at him and held a straight expression that hopefully wouldn't give up my lies.

"I know that." I said simply.

"If you think I haven't noticed, I have."

It felt as if my blood froze in my veins, but I wasn't sure why I was surprised. I knew he would catch on, and honestly he was rather late to do so.

"I have no idea what your talking about." I lied, but we both knew exactly what he was talking about and he knew that too.

I focused forward once more as we came up to the dining room doors, and to my satisfaction the conversation was forced to be left at that as we entered the crowded room. I tried to get to the serving area faster than him by speeding up my step, though that only resulted in exhausting myself and allowing him to catch up faster. I mentally sighed once more.

He was looking at me as I poured cereal in the bowl and I knew it. He was watching how much I was putting, which wasn't a lot. I tried to ignore the glare as if it'd make him go away as I served myself as little as possible. But needless to say that didn't work.

"That's all your eating?" he questioned, pointing a finger at my bowl and raising an eyebrow.

I shrugged and poured in just as little milk, picking up my bowl and beginning to walk to our usual table that was almost fully occupied, just missing us. As far as I was concerned, the faster we were around people the faster the conversation was forced to drop.

"I'm not that hungry." I said simply and left it at that, sitting down in the chair that I had deemed as mine and placing the bowl down in front of me.

I had no intention of eating it, just swirling it around and maybe taking a few small bites as I spoke to people would do just as it had for the passed two weeks. Nobody had caught on, nobody but Levi. I couldn't bring myself to understand why he was just now concerning himself with it. With how observant he is, he had to have noticed sooner. Or maybe he did but just didn't care.

I was doing this because it was best for both of us. Starving myself will only make this relationship easier on both of us. I wouldn't have to worry about how gross I look when he sees me without a shirt on and he would have an easier time looking at me. At least I would be slightly better to look at if I was thinner, it still did nothing about my face but it was still something.

I more often that not found myself wondering just how he had ever become so delusioned as to actually want to be in a relationship with me. Being my friend was one thing, but he had willingly been the one to ignite this thing between us and why he did so was a question that I wanted an answer to but would probably never get one.

He was too good for me, sure he might be just as broken as I, if not more. But he was damn attractive. So attractive that I wondered how in the hell anyone could ever pick on him as he said everyone did. And on top of that, he was a truly beautiful person. No one else would probably ever think that of him given his crimes and over all cold attitude to people he doesn't know, but he'd shown me the kind and caring side of him that i'm sure he's never sown anyone else.

But I didn't deserve to see that side of him. I was far too flawed in every way possible to deserve someone like him in my life. He shows me happiness that I know I should be eternally grateful for, but everything he does is never enough to make me feel truly happy even when I know it should. Its my own insecurities that are in the way of me reaching true happiness. Because no matter how many times he tells me i'm perfect, I will never believe it until I see it for myself.

And the only way I can see it is if I go to lengths such as not eating to get a thin body that I know I need to bring myself one step closer to actual happiness and peace with myself.

It was good for the both of us if I did this and it was just over all the best option. I wouldn't let him or anyone else get in the way of my goal, the goal that would bring me happiness and bring him a better looking boyfriend.

I had enough obstacles with this, and I couldn't afford gaining another one. The food here wasn't exactly describable, but it wasn't gross either. So it was hard to just not eat when a plate of food sat before me. And one thing I lacked severely was self control, so I often ate a lot more than intended. I broke a lot and always felt extremely guilty afterwards. But I had been doing well for the past few days and I couldn't let it slip now.

I jumped slightly as I felt an elbow bumping my side, pulling me out of my thoughts and bringing my full attention back to the world around me. I glanced over to find him staring at me with a serious expression. I squinted in a questioning way as to ask what he wanted and he replied by looking over at my untouched food and then back at me.

Then I realized he was telling me to eat. It was hard to force down the urge to roll my eyes, but I had managed. I turned away from him to glare down at the bowl in front of me. I stomach growled and after that came a pang of hunger pain that made me flinch slightly before I could suppress a reaction.

I glanced back over at him once more and his expression softened slightly, as if he was kindly urging me to eat because he knew what was going on in my mind, and I honestly wouldn't doubt that he did with the way he so easily read people. I shut my eyes and sighed quietly, turning my head and opening them, looking down at the food.

I really should eat, since I hadn't eaten at all yesterday and going any longer could probably get dangerous. But then there was the voice in the back of my mind telling me to just go one more day, that I didn't need to eat it. If I ate now it would ruin all my progress and I couldn't better my image for myself or Levi.

So I decided that I in fact didn't need to eat, I instead picked of my spoon and messed around with my food for a few moments, trying my best to ignore the look I could feel Levi giving beside me. I felt a sudden determination inside me that I've felt pretty often this week, a determination to get as thin as I possibly could. I lacked it at times, but in this moment I couldn't understand why I would ever falter.

I looked up from my food, still ignoring the way Levi was glaring at me and fixed my focus on the others around me having conversations. I waited for a moment of silence that would allow me to cut in, and took my chance.

"So Hanji, how was your morning?" I questioned, trying to sound as interested as possible when I really wasn't, I just needed a distraction from the food and Levis scrutinizing look.

She glanced over at me as if she had just noticed that I was sitting, and I wouldn't doubt it if that was the case since she was so lost in her own little overly happy world, talking with the others. A large grin took over her face and she began rambling on about how great her little job went this morning and I couldn't bring myself to hold my concentration on what she was saying for more than 5 seconds. Then I was zoning out.

I didn't just not eat entirely this morning, I did take a few very small bites that barley made even the smallest of dents in my food. But even eating that much made me feel a guilt deep down and a sense of 'oh god why did I do that'. But it was a required thing to do if I wanted my act to be as convincing as possible, and I know it worked on everyone but Levi. But I would deal with him when the time comes, which is probably really soon.

I kept up my act of taking small bites and being more sociable than normal with everyone at the table, even Jean. He wasn't in the best of moods, not that he ever was, but even bickering with him for a bit served as a good enough distraction from food to pass the time. No one seemed to notice a thing and I felt a sense of pride at being able to fool people so easily, to throw of any potential suspicion like a second nature. Then again it sort of was considering I spent years doing just that with my own best friend and sister.

Sure the act was convincing enough for everyone else, but I know that what I did only confirmed Levis suspicion and I would have to face him sooner rather than later it would seem. Breakfast was over a little too quickly for my taste and I knew the second Levi was alone with me, the first thing he's going to talk about is how I straight up defied him when he had told me to eat and ignored his looks the entire period of time we spent in that room. Though I wasn't quite sure how he was going to react to that when we're alone.

It was stupid to believe that he would be anymore than slightly pissed off, if anything i'd assume that he'd be supportive and try to help me. But he could still be unpredictable at times so I wasn't looking forward to being left with just him to confront me on my little problem.

But as we stood up to be dismissed, I came up with the bright idea to simply remove myself from that predicament by deciding to hang around the others today and accompany them as they played games and talked. Chances are Levi would probably follow me there too as he always did, but at least he most likely wouldn't bring something as personal up in front of a group of people who were completely and totally oblivious to the situation. I knew him well enough to know that we wouldn't do that.

He was walking right next to me and I could tell he was tense, he was just waiting until he could sit me down and try to get something out of me. Given my current state, it was hard to even walk at a normal pace without feeling tired, however I still managed to speed up a bit as we entered the rec room in an attempt to break away from his side and quickly make it over to the table that held various board games and other activity's.

I don't know why I was surprised when I felt a firm yet gentle hand gripping my wrist and stopping me in my tracks.

"Where do you think your going?" His voice held no tracks of irritation, instead it sounded concerned. Of course, I wasn't getting out of this one. How could I have thought it would be that simple.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath through my nose, taking a moment to calm down a bit. I wasn't sure why I was suddenly getting pissed off at him, but I was. I wasn't in any mood to talk about feelings and problems and I knew that's exactly what he was trying to pull out of me.

I pulled my wrist from his grasp and turned to face him with an expression of indifference.

"I'm in the mood to play a few games today, would you like to join me?" I feigned ignorance to my own situation as a last resort, even though I knew for a fact he wasn't about to let it drop that easily.

"Maybe after we talk." He grabbed my hand tightly and I could see a momentary hint of surprise at how cold it probably still was, then it was gone and he was leading me to the couch we always occupied.

"We don't need to talk." I said with a cold edge in my tone that I hadn't fully intended, and tried to yank my hand away once more but failed at that too, finding his grip to be far too strong.

"We do." He spun me around by the shoulders and pushed them down, forcing me to sit on the couch and taking a seat next to me. Once again, I knew he was looking at me but I refused to return the look. "What the fuck, Eren."

I stayed silent and leaned back on the couch, not appreciating the bite in his tone and they unnecessary use of profanity, though that probably couldn't be avoided either way since this was Levi. I began chewing on my bottom lip and sighed irritably through my nose, crossing my arms and keeping my glare forward.

"Okay let me take a different approach. Why are you doing this, Eren?" His voice was softer this time, but it did nothing to sooth my new found irritability this morning.

"I don't know what your talking about." I said through clenched teeth. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I wasn't going to tell him anything.

This was probably getting me no where if not just closer to a fight, but I still wasn't about to say anything about what I was doing to myself. He was only getting in the way, and that was pissing me off. I would much rather he drop it now and talk to me about it when i'm ready to stop, after I reach my goal, but it wasn't happening because he wouldn't let it go that easily.

"You know exactly what i'm talking about... you are starving yourself." I could hear the hesitation in his voice at the last part, but he had still managed to get it out the same as the rest of his sentence.

My bottom lip was now sore, so I favored chewing the inside of my cheek instead. I didn't like hearing it come out of his mouth like that, I would have preferred that he not speak the ugly reality of this out loud. It sounded so horrible and I would rather spend the majority of my time going unaware of how bad it really was, I found it was just over all easier that way.

"I know." I said dryly, continuing to stare at the wall across the room because I knew it was a far better option than looking at the painful expression I knew he had.

"No you don't know," The concern in his tone was overpowering all else, and this time I turned my head to tell him off. But he continued before I could do so. "Its so bad for you."

"I know." I repeated, doing my best to keep any emotion what so ever out of my voice.

I didn't like arguing with him, if that's what this could be considered as, and it was hard not to collapse into my own emotions and break down in his arms. I had done that too many times before, and I felt that I was finally strong enough to begin keeping it all inside as I always use to do, I was finding it in me to begin building up that emotional wall once more and as much as I didn't want to keep my true emotions from him, I had to because saying these things out loud was just too hard for me. 

"It could kill you." He stated a bit more silently, it had pained him to say and I could tell.

"If that's what it comes to, then oh well." I hadn't been able to stop myself from saying it before it had already been said, but it was truly how I felt about it even though telling him that wasn't my intention.

There was suddenly so much more emotion behind his normally icy blue eyes, and then I felt like a total dick. I was being selfish, keeping all this from him then pretty much admitting that I don't care if I died when he obviously did care. But I still couldn't bring myself to care too much about it, if it did come to that I know he'd be able to move on easy enough. Or at least that's what my toxic mind was telling me, but somewhere in the very back of my mind where there was still a shred of sanity, I knew that he only had me and he wouldn't be able to get over it that easy.

But even so, I wouldn't believe that even if he told me a million times. The self hatred that I was able to half way rid myself of for a few heavenly months was all coming back to me even worse than before. Levi and I's little fucked up fairy tale romance was enough to take my mind off of things for just a little while, but it wasn't enough now. And no matter how hard I tried to fight the darkness, I would always lose because in the end, the truth was that i'm alone in this.

"How can you say that so easily?" His tone was a mix of disbelief and pain, though I wasn't just just how he had even convinced himself that I was well enough to actually care if I dropped dead.

I shrugged simply in response.

"You do know how much I fucking care about you right?"

The little thump in my chest at his words almost went completely unnoticed next to the pain that settled itself there. I shrugged again, tearing my eyes away to stare forward once more to prevent a show of emotion.

"Would you push me away if I hugged you?" Came another question form him.

And I shrugged once more because I really didn't know what i'd do at the moment.

But it seemed he decided to take his chances, because the very next moment I felt a familiar pair of arms wrapping around my body. He was now facing me, hugging me from the side since I was still not facing him at all. But I felt a sudden pang on hurt in my chest that was stronger than the others, and I knew how I was going to react.

I quickly turned my body in his embrace to face him fully and wrapped my arms around him tightly, burying my face in his shoulder. It was then I knew that I wanted him to hold me, I needed him to hold me. As much as I felt that I didn't deserve it, I couldn't ignore the need to be comforted when the one I cared for so much was right before me offering such comfort.

I felt his arms tighten around me, and it was then that I realized that I was shaking. I wasn't sure of exactly why since I wasn't even crying, but I couldn't seem to stop. I even wanted to cry but it would seem I couldn't do that either, maybe it was my body obeying my earlier thoughts. I was done breaking down like that in front of him.

But I wasn't breaking down this time. I wasn't crying, I wasn't sobbing, I wasn't going on an emotional rant. I simply stayed silent in his arms, letting him hold me as my body shook uncontrollably. I felt his fingers running through my hair and my body automatically relaxed ever so slightly under his touch, and while it did manage to calm my trembling a bit, it did nothing to calm my mind that was still in a whirlwind of emotion.

I felt terrible that I had to keep all this from him, even though he already knew what was going on I still refused to tell him why I was doing this. I felt terrible for getting short with him, which I knew I would probably do more in the future if I didn't get a better grip and control what comes out of my mouth, and that was not happening any time soon.

I was being harsh when he only wanted to help, and perhaps that's why I was being so harsh. I didn't want his help even though it was still technically early enough to pull myself out of what I knew was going to get dangerous, and with his help I probably could manage to do just that. But this time I didn't want help, I wanted to fall deeper into this until I could achieve a body that was at least relatively nice to look at after accusing the scars and many other imperfections.

But in a way, it was sort of too late. I was bound to do something like this eventually, I hated myself enough and I wanted so desperately to lessen that hate even if only slightly. And I would do everything I could to achieve that, even if it meant passing out on a regular basis and barley being able to walk on my own. As fucked up as it was, I was willing to risk it all.

I had managed to give it all quite a bit of thought these past weeks. 'Quite a bit' actually being an understatement since it was pretty much the only thing on my mind. It was ridiculous at first, I didn't think I could do it. It just seemed impossible for me since I liked food more than people. I always use to comfort myself with it when I wasn't feeling up to gambling my life on my deadly habits.

But when I had managed going a day without eating, I saw just how easy it could be. We only got served two meals, and that in itself was enough to make me involuntarily drop a pound or two since I've gotten here, and when were not in the dinning room we have no access to food. So in reality this was probably the best environment to go through with starving myself, where I couldn't just take the food when I wanted it and all I needed was self control to deny it when it was right in front of me.

I only had to worry about two things. One being the security that just stood at the door the whole time, but they obviously don't care about their jobs and do not do a proper job at monitoring patients eating. And two being Levi. I hadn't had to worry too much the past two weeks since he didn't seem to notice. But now I know he really did and was just now confronting me, so now I really had to worry about him.

He was the only thing I had standing in my way.

It wasn't exactly easy to resist eating when food was directly in front of me and everyone else was eating without a care. That's why I had broke a few times and gave in, But I was growing fairly good at controlling myself. Talking to others around me served as a great way to throw potential suspicion off and also good distraction for myself. If I actually willed myself to pay attention to conversations, I was often able to forget about food for the time needed until we left and I couldn't go back and eat even if I wanted to. And most if the time, I did want to.

It was actually hard, but I refused to give up and let it become just another failure. I was determined to go through with this all the way until I reach my desired figure. I would say weight, but I had no way of telling how much I even weighed but I was sure that it was more than a boy my age should weigh. And the bad part was, none of its even muscle. Just disgusting fat that I was determined to get rid of, even if I had to walk straight through hell.

My mind was too busy swarming in dark thoughts that I hadn't noticed when Levi pulled away slightly and apparently spoke, it was when he shook my shoulder slightly that I jumped and came back to the real world. 

"Eren?" He questioned, I looked into his eyes after remembering just where I was and what was going on.

"Huh?" I responded, bringing my full attention back to reality. I faintly noticed that I had stopped shaking and my body seemed to have calmed completely over the course of however long he held me.

"I asked you a question." He said, sounding a bit concerned with the fact I managed to tune him out like that and not hear a single word. Though he was one to talk.

"Oh, what?" He responded with an effort to keep irritation from showing as I spoke, I didn't really want to answer anymore questions on the subject. Even though I never really answered any of them properly so far.

"Will you let me help you?"

My expression instantly fell darker, I was sure I knew just what he meant but I still felt the need for elaboration.

"Help me with what?" I inquired, my voice noticeably falling lower.

"Help you eat properly, because its so bad for you Eren and i'm not going to let you fall any deeper." He said, and I pulled away from him.

"No." I said bluntly and sat back, stubbornly crossing my arms as I had before.

"Will you at least try to eat a little more tonight?" He tried, and I could hear the hurt in his tone from how I just tore myself away from him without warning. I tried to ignore it. But I failed, and it still hurt to hear.

"No." I repeated because there was no use in telling him otherwise. My mind was made up and I wasn't going to let him help me because I didn't want his help. I didn't want help in general. He sighed.

"Please, don't do this."

"I'm already doing it, Levi." I looked over at him and stated firmly, I wanted him to just accept that I wasn't changing my mind. It would make it easier on both of us.

"There's nothing I can say or do to convince you not to?" I would never be able to get use to seeing that hurt expression he wore at the moment, it was damn near unbearable, especially since i'm the one who's putting it there.

"No." I said once again, hoping that he was about to let me do as I pleased.

"Fine then, Eren. I really don't know what else to do. But please just think about this for a moment, I really care about you. More than I've cared about anyone to be honest, and if this hurts you I don't know what the fuck i'll do. I think you are beautiful and absolutely perfect as you are and anyone who thinks otherwise is a blind fool. You probably won't believe me, but I wouldn't lie about something like that." He looked directly in my eyes as he spoke, caressing my face gently.

His words actually had tears threatening to rise, but I turned my head away and closed my eyes to clear them before they had a chance to fall. I didn't believe him, but I did believe him that he actually thought that. Even if he was the only one who saw me that way, it was still touching. More so since it was him. But it still wasn't nearly enough to change my mind, nothing was changing my mind.

"I almost feel bad that you somehow managed to bring yourself to think that of me. I'm the furthest thing from perfect and i'm afraid that your the only person who thinks otherwise." I clenched the fabric of my jeans in my lap tightly as I spoke bitterly, opening my eyes now that I was sure the tears were gone and glaring down at my hands.

Then his hand came into view, he placed his own over mine and hooked his fingers on the side, gently willing my hand away from its tight grip on the fabric of my jeans. Once he had done so successfully, he brushed his thumb over the back of my hand before shifting slightly to intertwine our fingers. It was a smile gesture, but the care behind it still had my heart racing. And for a moment all I could think about was how warm his hand was in my own cool one and the way it made my heart hammer against my chest.

He used his other hand to grip my chin lightly, but still firmly to turn my head in his direction and force me to look at him as he spoke, not that I was making any protest.

"No, anyone who sees you as less than perfect is a fucking idiot."

"But I see me as anything but perfect." I pointed out just to be stubborn.

"That's because people have made you believe that. " He said simply.

And he had a point, the reason I thought so lowly of myself is in fact because everyone fucked my mind into thinking that way. But even if they hadn't, it was impossible to believe that I would ever think any differently of myself. With the way my life went, it just wasn't possible to avoid this self hatred. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. But even so, he was still right.

I didn't say anything in response, and I knew I didn't have to. He then leaned in to press a soft kiss to my lips that sent my heart fluttering in my chest, I instantly wrapped my arms around him as I had earlier and even though we were in a room full of people, it was as if we were the only ones here. Because in that moment all that mattered was Levi and how me made me feel.

Even if it was only for a few seconds, I was able to forget my troubles and get lost in the moment. I never wanted the kiss to end, but of course it did all too soon as they always did. But without his lips on mine, I opted to instead rest my head on his chest.

"Levi" I said more to just be able to feel his name on my lips, but I still had something I needed to say.

"Hmm?" He hummed in response, pressing a gentle kiss to my head. I nuzzled him slightly and sighed in momentary content.

"Thanks for caring, I don't know what i'd do here if I never met you.." I half whispered honestly, because I really don't know what I would have done. In all actuality, I probably would have gone off the deep end and found a way to off myself as I had intended to a while ago.

"I can say the same to you, even though I've lived alone in here for three years, I don't know how I could live without you by my side."

His words were enough to make my heart skip a beat once again and send a feeling of complete content over me. All that I cared about at that time was his arms around me and the fact that I actually meant something to him. I was important to him just as he was important to me.

But of course it was all too good to last very long, it was a brief calm in the middle of a raging storm and it was only a short while until it all came crashing down once more. Which is why I never even tried to convince myself that it was all going to be okay after this, because I knew it wasn't. Nothing had changed, I was still starving myself thin and Levi was still going to concern himself despite how much I wanted him to just forget about it.

In a way I was glad that he cared enough to try to prevent me from doing so but it also pissed me off that he was even trying to prevent me from getting what I was determined to have. 

Our calm time ended far too soon, and it was time for dinner before I even knew it. We had gotten pretty careful with separating ourselves from each other in an instant when the guards came in to round us up and send us to the cafeteria, but this time we had only pulled away just in time. Luckily the staff probably doesn't pay close enough attention to notice even if we hadn't separated in time, but it was still a risk we couldn't afford to take.

I was absolutely dreading dinner, because I was actually hungry this time. I hated feeling hungry because common knowledge ishunger leads to eating. I wasn't sure if I could restrain myself, and even if I could I don't think I could do so without feeling guilty. Levi had tried to help me and simply refusing to eat would show him that he hadn't helped in the slightest. While it was true, I still didn't want him to know that because I knew it would hurt him.

But here I found myself, sitting at the now fully occupied table with a full plate of food before me that Levi had insisted that I fill up. I was glaring hatefully down at the food, I didn't want to eat it, but I had gone a dangerously long time without eating, save for the few bites I consumed earlier. I was now bordering 48 hours and I knew that I should get more than a few bites in my system.

I glanced over at Levi who gave me the same look he gave me at breakfast, one that said it was okay to eat, that I needed to eat. As pathetic as it was, I felt like fucking panicking because I knew that I was about to break. As much as I didn't want to and as hard as I was trying to restrain myself. The last thought that crossed my mind was a thought cursing myself and everything else before I picked up my fork and began eating.

I only took small bites at first, still holding onto a hope to find it in me to restrain myself, but it all dissolved soon and I found myself eating more than I should. I cursed myself each and every time I lifted the fork to my mouth and with every swallow a fresh wave of self hatred came over me. By the time I was done eating I felt like crying, I had eaten nearly everything on the plate and while Levi looked pleased, I felt like curling into a ball and sobbing.

I couldn't stand the thought of so much food being in my stomach, so much food that was going to soon turn into more disgusting fat and ruin whatever progress I had made. Unless of course I did something about it.

It was then that a bright idea came into my mind that I had never even thought of before, or at least I never considered it as an option but in that moment it seemed like the very best thing I could do right now. There had to be a fair amount of time left in our dinner period judging by the fairly large amount of food left on Sasha's plate, and she ate quickly. It wouldn't look too odd at all if I simply excused myself to use the restroom.

I couldn't have this food in my stomach any longer and I knew it, it was as if I could actually feel the calories absorbing and making me fatter than I already was. I stood up and mumbled a brief excuse to explain my leaving and set off for the restroom connected to the dinning room that was located just across the room. So close yet I couldn't get there fast enough.

I quickly shut myself behind the door and locked it, taking a deep breath as a swirl of anxiousness formed in the pit of my stomach. I turned around and the first thing my eyes caught was my own reflection in the mirror directly across from the door. I stepped forward slowly, taking steps until I was right in front of it, leaning closer with my hands supporting myself on the edges of the sink.

The first thought that crossed my mind was 'pathetic' followed by 'ugly' and 'disgusting' and so on until my mind was clouded with a dark fog of continuous harsh names that I knew described me perfectly.

My breathing was growing quicker by the second and tears were beginning to flow down my face, and I could actually see myself this time as I was breaking down. The sight before me truly was pathetic, I was growing overcome with that strong hatred for myself and the fact that I let myself consume that much food, shattering whatever progress I had made towards my goal.

I stepped back and took a moment to wipe the tears from my face, closing my eyes before lifting my rim of my sweat shirt up to my chest to reveal my stomach. I slowly opened my eyes once more to stare at my reflection, and was repulsed by what I found.

All I could see was fat, nothing but fat that made me even more imperfect than I already was. A fresh stream of tears trickled down my cheeks, my breathing continuing in its fucked up pattern. I reached down to my stomach and pinched the fat my fingers found there, thoroughly disgusted with how much there truly was.

And it would all only get worse if I didn't do something.

I then realized how much time I had been wasting and immediately let my shirt drop, pulling up my baggy sleeves half way and trying to ignore the sick pattern of scars that marred them both and dropped to my knees in front of the toilet. I couldn't bring myself to care one bit about how unsanitary it was to be on the floor and on top of that in such a close proximity to the surely filthy toilet.

My hand was shaking as I brought two fingers up to my mouth, and I hesitated for a moment before all the self hate came rushing back in an instant and I remembered that I had no choice unless I wanted to get fatter. And that thought alone was enough to bring myself to shove the two fingers down my throat, triggering my body to throw up some of what I had just eaten.

It wasn't nearly as unbearable as I thought it would be, and I found myself feeling slightly more relieved. But it wasn't enough, it wasn't everything and I couldn't be satisfied until it was all out of my body. So I plunged my fingers down my throat once more and moved them until my body couldn't take it anymore and up came more of the food.

I was out of breath for a moment and my eyes were watering with involuntary tears, so I took a moment to calm my breathing before shoving my fingers down once more and vomiting my what I could. My stomach was starting to ache and my body shook briefly with a shudder from how disgusting it felt, but I needed to do it to rid myself from the food.

I forced myself to get over how gross it was quickly and brought my fingers up once more, readying myself to jam them down my throat again until a knock sounded behind me that made me jump in sheer surprise. I cleared my throat and made an attempt at speaking like a normal person.

"What?" I replied shortly, not exactly happy about being interrupted. And then to my displeasure, Levis voice filled my ears from behind the door.

"Are you okay? You've been in there for a while and dinner is over, everyone's leaving." He said, but I couldn't detect any particular concern in his voice, which relieved me.

I quickly scrambled to my feet and hurriedly wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, switching the sink on with my clean hand and rushing to wash my hands clean.

"Alright, i'll be out in a second." I tried to sound as casual as possible and I wasn't sure if I succeeded, it all depended on if he had noticed the raspy edge in my voice.

"Okay, hurry." Was the last thing he said before everything fell silent, and I didn't bother answering.

Once I was done cleaning my hands as fast as humanly possible, I began to pull down my sleeves and in the process of doing so I noticed that my knuckles were really red from where my teeth had continuously clashed against the skin. I silently cursed and pulled my sleeve down far enough to cover the redness and leaned over to flush the toilet to dispose of the evidence.

I was sure to hang around a few moments and flush once more for good measure, as that was happening I turned the sink on again to scoop some water in my mouth to wash away the taste of vomit. I then I unlocked the door and stepped out after wiping any remaining tears from my face.

I was slightly relieved to find that Levi wasn't waiting on me on the other side of the door, I assumed that the guard probably wouldn't let him hang around though it would seem that he told the guard to wait for me, of course. He was standing at the door, holding it open with an impatient expression of his face.

Half to piss him off further and half because I felt I needed to, I walked over to the table that I occupied not long ago and grabbed the cup that served as mine at dinner and took a few sips of the juice that filled it to completely wash the taste of vomit out of my mouth and tired to ignore how guilty I felt for even drinking something that wasn't water. I looked in his direction as I took my time.

I would never get tired of fucking with the guards here, they were really the only thing keeping us all bound here forever so the least I could do as revenge is make their job a little harder everyday. Though there were limits to how much I could piss them off and I knew that, and as Levi had told me before, he had to learn that the hard way. So I took caution with how far I could take this.

The guard sighed with inpatients as I took my time making my way over to him, I was trying him for my own amusement because god knows I need something to lighten my mood. Once I was within his reach, he gripped my shoulder roughly and pushed me forward, forcing me to walk faster. I wanted to slap his hand away because the pace he was forcing me to walk at was beyond my capability, but that would not be a smart idea at all so I bared with it.

It was on the rather quick walk back to my room that I noticed how much my throat burned from what I had done, I looked down at my hand and just then realized how long my nails had gotten, I must have scratched my throat up pretty bad. If I planned to do this again, i'd have to do something about my nails. But that would rid me of the ability to scratch my skin raw in particularly stressful situations, then again I could only remove the two nails. No, Levi would notice that and catch on.

My thoughts were interrupted as I was forcefully shoved into my room, the door slamming shut behind me the very second I was through the entrance. 

"Asshole." I commented under my breath, bringing my hand up to rub away some of the pain that had settled itself in my shoulder.

I looked up to find that Levi had already laid down in bed and was waiting for me to join him. I clutched the end of my sleeve so that it wouldn't come past my knuckles, not wanting him to notice the red marks that resembled teeth marks and question me on it when I had no excuse.

"Sorry I didn't wait on you, said 'asshole' made me go back to the room." He scoffed and patted the spot next to him, obvious from his tone that he hated that guy as much as I did. I knew he did.

I closed the short distance of the door from the bed and laid down with him under the covers, instantly snuggling up next to him in a half attempt to warm myself since I still felt absolutely fucking freezing, but that was something i'd have to get use to. Though it did get slightly less unbearable when he wrapped his warm arms around me tightly

"Its alright." I replied, not having the energy to really say much more than that.

We stayed in a silence for quite some time, the only way I could tell he hadn't fallen asleep was by the fact that his hand was still moving in a small pattern on my back, rubbing away a bit of tension. In fact, I was just about to fall asleep until he broke the silence.

"I'm proud of you, Eren."

I felt my gut twist in guilt as I instantly understood what he was talking about, as far as he knew and believed, I had eaten my dinner. He doesn't know that I broke down in the bathroom and threw it all back up, and I technically still haven't kept food in my stomach for 48 hours. I felt bad, sure, but I wasn't going to tell him the truth. I just couldn't. Not that I ever was going to, but even if I was, what he had just said made it impossible to admit.

I felt so horrible. So guilty.

"Yeah, well i'm not proud of myself." At least I was telling the truth, I wasn't proud of the fact that I resorted to such actions. But as far as he knew, my words held an entirely different meaning behind them.

He kissed my forehead lightly, and I could feel the slight upturn of his lips against my skin.

"I'm not going to get my hopes up just get, but please just keep eating, even if its just a little more than usual. It wasn't so hard, right? Please Eren, I want you to get better." 

I sighed.

"Maybe.." There really wasn't any truth behind that response because I knew I wasn't even going to try to get better, but he didn't need to know that.

I had a hard time falling asleep after that, the guilt I felt was eating away at me and I couldn't do anything about it. As much as the guilt sucked, it alone wasn't enough to stop me from getting what I wanted for once in my life. And I was going to achieve it in the end no matter what.

Luckily, I had managed to fall asleep. But tonight the only thing I dreamed about was the intense desire to get thinner, and how I will do absolutely anything to get it.

I was going to be good enough for Levi, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Eren. I feel bad writing it but I must. The whole eating disorder thing was something I originally tacked on last minute for the sake of lengthening the fic, I had to create some sort of conflict to keep it interesting and this did the trick I hope. I hope I portrayed the his eating disorder in a way that's believable, but its actually a lot harder than I thought it would be to transfer experience into a fic. So I really hope its as accurate as possible. Oh, and sorry if the writing got more rushed towards the end, because the truth is that I was rushing.. Sorry!  
> As always I hope you enjoyed! Please leave a comment if you are liking it so far, I appreciate them more than you could imagine! Oo and next chapter will have smut ^.^


	10. chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember when I said this chapter would be smut? Well I kinda lied.. kinda. Let me explain, so this chapter turned out to get really. fucking. long. So I had to split it. Like i'm not even kidding it was over 17,000 words. I originally thought this was going to be a shorter chapter, which is why this chapter has mostly pointless filler shit that I came up with as I went, but it actually turned out to be the longest chapter I've written so far. So like I said, I split it into two chapters. But don't worry, I won't make you guys wait forever for the next chapter like you did for this one (i'm about to provide an explanation) since its already written and all I have to do is spell check.  
> Now about how it took me forever to get this done. Basically my laptop fucked up and for some reason is stuck in negative screen, so it was really hard to see to write this. I acted like a child for a while and abandoned this fic all together since my laptop is being a bitch, but of course I got over it and had to make do with my shitty laptop. Fun fact, i'm actually editing and posting this on my family computer while everyone is gone, so lets pray they don't get back before i'm finished spell checking the next chapter.  
> So sorry for the long ass note, you don't have to read it but I was just explaining a few things. And as always I hope you like it!  
> Enjoy!~

I had stopped keeping track of the days I've been here at this point, because really what was the purpose if I was trapped forever. But it had to have been quite a few weeks, there was really no way to know for sure since days seemed to run into each other and make it near impossible to track mentally. But I suppose i'd just have to get use to that, if I ever could.

Levi had been glad when he took notice to me seizing my nightly ritual of marking the walls. And quite honestly now that I did stop, the marks really did look god awful against the otherwise white room. But whats done is done and I really didn't mind too much, not as much as Levi seemed to mind them at least.

"Why did you have to go and ruin the white walls?" Was the very first thing he said after waking up, his glare had been fixed on the far wall since he woke up a few minutes ago.

"Because not having any sense of time really sucks." I shrugged. "Its not even that bad why do you keep worrying about it?"

He rolled his eyes and pushed himself to stand up and walk to his dresser. "Because its really fucking ugly, you couldn't find a lighter color marker?" He said as he pulled the drawer out and pulled various shirts out, seemingly trying to decide on one, not that his wardrobe was really that vast.

"I'm sorry that there wasn't an abundance of colored markers under the couch." 

He scoffed at my sarcasm, and we left it at that.

I too pushed myself up off the bed, fighting against the wave of dizziness that hit me as it did nearly every time I stood up.  
Levi seemed to have taken to believing my act of eating 'normally' for the most part, even though I was only throwing it up most of the time. I wasn't really even eating normally, I still ate far less than a normal human ever should but the fact that Levi was convinced that I was eating on a half normal basis seemed to satisfy him enough.

The outfit I had decided on was a black sweatshirt that was fuzzy on the inside, the outside was printed with the logo of a band I use to listen to often, this shirt was one of the only band shirts that mom had packed me before sending it here and I was glad that she did. It was also one of the warmest shirts. It was pretty big on me, and it seemed that it was even bigger than the last time I had worn it.

I pulled it along with a pair of sweat pants on and began running my fingers through my hair to tame it. My hair had also been slightly dryer lately, but it wasn't too noticeable and it wasn't like I really cared. It wasn't bad enough to care about, and even if it was, its only hair right?

Once I was fully dressed I walked back over to Levis bed, that really was 'our' bed now since it was the only one I slept in, and grabbed a blue thin fuzzy blanket that was big enough to wrap around my body fully and then some. Sometime ago the constant cold I felt had gotten too much and it was only getting worse, so I had requested an extra blanket and taken to carrying it around the ward with me, since it did aid the cold slightly.

Levi didn't really think twice about it, I figured he only assumed that I was cold because it really was freezing in here as it was and nothing more. It even took me a bit to figure out that being cold all the time was a side effect for starving yourself, because at a certain point it became to obvious to miss that I was the only one as cold as I was. But that along with a few other small things was a small price to pay for being thin and accepted.

I had gotten noticeably thinner, but I don't think anyone really noticed since my body was always hidden behind large hoodies lately because I was far too cold to only wear a tight thin shirt that would show my progress. But I didn't care that much, as long as I could see for myself that I was actually getting somewhere with this, I was content with not being able to show it just yet.

I wrapped the comfortable blanket around myself and reveled in how soft and warm it was, but I was still cold of course. Levi had finished getting dressed as I retrieved the blanket and was ready to leave, he had already been reaching for the handle of our door. He stepped out and held it open for me as I made my way to walk out after him.

"Is it really so cold that you need a blanket?" He questioned, pinching the fabric of the sheet between his fingers and lifting it a bit for a moment before letting it drop and fall back around me. I shrugged.

"I get cold easy. Your just use to the cold because you've been here longer. I'm still new." I lied, but he had no choice but to believe that because it wasn't necessarily all a lie.

"Your not new, you've been here for months now." He retorted, and he had a point.

"Well still, I've always gotten cold easy so maybe i'll never get use to it." I replied as he walked through the doors of the dinning room.

I hated this room. I always had to struggle with keeping my secrets well hidden in here, and I hate it. The two times a day that i'm forced to sit in here and act like i'm eating somewhat properly and then go throw up most the time are my absolute least favorite parts of the day. I even prefer the showers over this, because at least I don't have to eat in there.

My throat had began to pay the price of throwing up far more than a normal human ever should, my throat was often sore and my voice was raspy for quite a while after I did it. So I had opted to only do it when I particularly ate too much because even I had enough sense to know that doing it as often as I was could get very dangerous. Not only to my health, I didn't really care that much about that, but to my ability to keep my secret hidden. I cared about that a lot.

Because it wouldn't exactly be believable to lie and say I caught a cold in a overly sanitized hospital, and that would be the only thing I could think of to excuse my sore throat and strained voice.

But luckily all that had cleared up and I only had to deal with it for a little while after the times that I did deem it necessary to throw up. And that was only a few times a week or so tops, so it wasn't too often at all.

The system I had developed seemed to be flawless so far. I ate at every meal, but I only at very little. But it was still slightly more than I wasconsuming before I discovered the magic of sticking my fingers down my throat. At least that seemed to put Levi at peace. And the fact that I ate acceptably on the days before I ran off to the bathroom managed to throw him off and make him actually believe that I was trying to eat and get better.

But I wasn't, of course.

As long as he thought that, everything would be okay. Because he was the only person I had to worry about getting in my way. The guards didn't do their jobs correctly, so they were ruled out. And everyone who I sat with didn't seem to notice a thing, because I maintained frequent conversation with various people there to distract from the fact that I wasn't really eating as the rest of them were.

I served myself as I always did, almost two times less than Levi served himself. He glanced over at me with a softened expression once he was ready to go back to the table, though didn't move just yet.

"Don't you want to try to eat just a little more today?" He questioned in a tone that was just as soft as his features, I looked away and grabbed the edges of my bowl and turned around.

"I don't think I can.. yet." I added the last part simply to make it seem as if I would eventually, but I wouldn't. At least I wouldn't and then keep it down afterwards anyway.

He sighed and followed after me, appearing at my side moments later.

"As long as you do at some point." He said just before we were standing before out table.

I sat my bowl down on the table in front of my seat and pulled the chair out, taking the blanket that was draping over my shoulders off of my body and spreading it across my lap instead as I sat. I replied to all the greetings that came from around the table with a faked smile that I've gotten so good at along with polite greetings of my own. 

Levi took his seat next to me and as usual, no one even spared a glance at him. Of course, it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest since according to him it had been that way for three years. But I still thought it shouldn't be that way, he really was such a kind person, though I suppose I was the only one who really sees that side of him. Everyone else has only seen his cold exterior.

I ate little by little through out the meal, being sure to keep up frequent conversation even though I wasn't fully in them. I only half payed attention to what anyone was saying to each other or me, I was too focused on acting like a normal person and fooling everyone to fully participate in lighthearted conversation.

"So, Eren." Hanjis voice pulled me from my thoughts, it held an air of playfulness she reserved only for picking at Levi, and I knew whatever she was about to say was going to irritate him. I sighed in preparation.

"Hows that relationship of yours with Levi going?"

I looked up to find her wearing that grin, though she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at Levi, obviously trying to pull a reaction. Everyone else was looking at me, and I wasn't quite sure how to answer or if I should at all.

"Fine... I guess?" I was really unsure of myself and didn't want to give much of a real answer, since the question really was only to piss Levi off. She seems to love doing that.

"Is that really any of your fucking business, Hanji?" He cut in, his voice was oddly calm though his words were harsh. He wasn't showing his annoyance with her simply to deprive her of a reaction, I assumed.

He wasn't looking at her, he was just looking down at his bowl that was nearly empty with his chin in his palm, I could tell how irritated he was now by the way his shoulders were tensed up and I had to question why she always insisted on teasing him when I was the one that had to deal with his bad mood for the remainder of the day. It was cruel to both of us, really.

"Maybe I was just curious." She crossed her arms and fixed him with an expression of pure innocents, it was quite convincing actually. But of course Levi wasn't buying it nor was anyone else.

"Shut up, your trying to piss me off and you know it." He fought back, lifting his eyes to glare at her. But she wasn't intimidated at all, despite the fact that anyone else would be.

"Is it working?" She inquired with a smug smirk, sheer amusement shining behind her eyes. I could see Sasha elbowing her in the side and giving her a look that said she should stop.

"Fuck off." He half growled, and it was as if I could physically see how pissed he was getting.

She opened her mouth to speak once more, but I decided to cut in.

"Hanji." I raised my eyebrows in a warning look, not wanting her to take it any further and irritate him more.

I never understood her fascination with picking on him, all he did was curse her out until she decided to stop. And honestly it was pretty mean even though I know it doesn't really bother him, it just makes him mad.

She looked over at me with a pout. "Awh, your no fun." 

I sighed. "Picking on him like that's not fun or nice." I stated, idly playing with my spoon as I did so.

"I'm not picking on him," She laughed for no necessary reason before continuing. "He doesn't really care, right Levi?"

"You are so fucking annoying you know that?" He scoffed, his tone held the air of indifference once more.

She laughed once more. "I know~"

And just as she said that, to my great relief, breakfast was over. Levi was quick to stand up and walk away from the situation, nearly knocking his seat over in the process. I stood up right after him, though actually taking the time to push in my chair, and walked quickly to catch up with him.

"You okay?" I questioned once he were walking alone down the hall, everyone else still taking their time with leaving. He sighed.

"Yeah, she just really annoyed me." He shrugged.

"Why does she always tease you?" I pressed, genuinely curious as to if he even knows why she does.

"Honestly I don't know, she pulls that shit with everyone but it seems i'm her favorite to piss off." He explained briefly as we approached the identical pair of double doors that sat on the other end of the hall being held open my another set of guards.

"Does it really bother you?" I asked my last question, looking down at him as I awaited his reply.

"I don't really care. Little things like that don't hurt me, if that's what your worrying about." He rolled his eyes and with that I knew it was time to drop it.

We walked in through the doors, and conveniently the door I happened to walk through was being held by the same guard that I love to bother. Something about that particular guy irritates me and I had to resist the urge to hit him with the blanket currently wrapped around my shoulders. But I couldn't do that, since it would get me no where but solitary for a few days.

Which with that thought, I was reminded of a topic I meant to ask for a while. I wasn't sure if it was really a good time since Levi already seemed to be in a pissy mood after breakfast but I was genuinely curious. I contemplated if I should or not as we took our seats on that same couch, and decided to anyways.

"So Levi," I started unsurely. "Mind if I ask a question about your time here?" I glanced over at him to read his face for an indicator if I should press, though it was impossible with him.

He looked at me for a few moments before shrugging. "That depends on what it is." He answered simply, so I took that as a yes.

"You've been sent to solitary before right?" I turned to face him, resting my elbow in the back of the couch with my cheek in my palm.

He took a few moments to reply, and of course I couldn't read his expression for the life of me through that short period of time, and then he finally spoke up.

"Yeah.. why do you ask?" He countered my question with another, then turning to face me too, mirroring my position.

"I'm just curious." I shrugged simply. "Whats it like?" I pressed my luck with another question, though this question was what I really wanted to know from the start and I could only hope he wouldn't get upset over it. I couldn't be sure of how he would react to being asked this, but I was curious.

He sighed, taking another few moments to answer me. 

"Cold, dark, boring," He listed after thinking, and I was thankful he didn't seem offended at all. "They put me in a room the same size as ours but the walls were dirty and so were the floors, it was disgusting really. There was a mattress on the floor and a bench built into the wall, and also a window that was eye level. It was not fucking fun so if your asking this because your planning on doing something bad I advise you to drop it."

I shook my head quickly. "No, no. Really, I was just curious." I assured. "How long did you have to stay there?"

"Two days, I think. Not that long since all I did was mouth off to one of the guards. It wasn't that long after I got here so I didn't know how fucking strict they were with that shit yet. That's why I warned you about the rules. The only decent part of solitary was that window I mentioned, it was one of the only times I got to see the outside world." He explained, playing idly with a loose piece of string at the end of his sleeve as he spoke.

"What were the other times?" I couldn't help myself from asking, because the way he put his last sentence made it impossible not to wonder.

"Remember a while ago I told you how they let us outside for a while at the end of each year?" He said, and I nodded as I suddenly recalled that bit of information that had slipped my mind, I hadn't really remembered till now. "Well yeah, that's the only other times. They let us sit around in the court yard outside for a few hours, but really its not even that enjoyable. There's gates with barbwire all around and really heavy security to make sure none of us run off."

The harsh reality that I was stuck here suddenly hit me once more and I couldn't help but to feel saddened. I gave a hum and a nod in acknowledgment to his explanations, but not asking anything else since I was both content with the amount of information I did manage to get from him and also didn't really want to know anything else.

I lifted my head from my hand quickly as I felt the couch sinking behind me, indicating that someone else had sat down. I looked to Levi briefly to find he was looking at whoever it had been with indifference before turning around to see for myself. I turned to sit properly on the couch and looked over, my gaze then meeting one that belonged to Sasha.

I was slightly shocked to see her there, sitting next to me on the couch that Levi and I had only ever occupied. I couldn't disguise the confusion that surely crossed my face as soon as I recognized the fact that she had seated herself there.

"Hey.." I greeted, a slight air of questioning hanging noticeably in my tone, curious as to what she could want. Not that I minded her there at all, she was one of the two people here I actually felt comfortable around, the other person sitting on the other end of me.

"Hey Eren," she gave a small smile, then leaning a bit to look past me. "Hi Levi." She said polity, and it shocked me slightly that she had actually acknowledged him since everyone seemed to simply ignore him, spare for Hanji of course.

I looked back at him to see how he reacted, though he didn't really give one. His expression remained indifferent and he simply gave a nod of acknowledgment. But she didn't seem surprised or offended by his greeting or rather lack of one. She focused back on me and continued on.

"I wanted to talk to you about something, but its sort of personal." She went on, her tone was unsure and that had me slightly concerned. My first thought was that she needed to vent something to me, so I gave a small nod.

"Okay, we can talk.." I glanced over my shoulder at Levi as I spoke, silently asking permission to walk off to a different location. He gave a nod in approval and I turned back to her. "Come on."

I stood up and gestured for her to do the same, she followed close behind me as I walked over to a smaller couch that was located on the far side of the room. She was silent for a while after we took our seats, and I gave her time to process what she was going to say, assuming it was a personal problem of hers that she wanted to discuss.

Though when she did finally speak up, it was hard to hide my shock.

"You haven't been eating, Eren." She looked me in the eyes as she spoke her concerns, worry so painfully apparent in her expression.

I had thought that Levi was the only one that noticed, but it would seem that I was wrong about that. Even so, it shouldn't be too hard to convince her other wise, I was a good lair and she seemed to be the type to be easily fooled. So I tried my luck with lying to the very best of my ability.

"What do you mean? Yes I have." I played as if I was oblivious to what she was saying, putting on a confused expression to top off the act of ignorance.

"No you haven't, I've noticed." She stated, but I still refused to drop my act no matter what she said. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but i'm really worried about you."

I began chewing on the inside of my cheek, the last thing I needed was another person spewing about how I needed to stop, because I knew inside that what I really needed to do was push myself until I have achieved my goal. And I wouldn't let anyone get in the way, but the fact that she has too noticed is going to make everything harder.

"I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about." I said with a small smile that I so effortlessly forced and looked into her eyes. "Sasha, i'm fine. I don't know where you got this idea from but I like food to much to just not eat it. It means a lot that you care, though."

She looked at me skeptically for a while, and it had gotten me worried that she was going to be more difficult to convince that I had originally thought. But her expression then went softer and she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"If you say so, but i'm still worried. If you ever need to talk, you know you can trust me. And if you don't want to talk to me, at least talk to Levi, because I am concerned about you and I don't want you doing anything stupid."

The fact that she was buying it for the most part was a relief, though I was caught between being relieved and laughing my ass off at how easy it was to fool people. It really was nice to know that she cared enough to be concerned, but I wouldn't let her even attempt to stop me. 

"I'll keep it in mind." I faked yet another smile, and that was the end of that, for now at least.

 

I spent the rest of free time lounging on the couch next to Levi, falling asleep with my head in his lap a few times, though each time I didn't stay asleep for very long. I still acted like I was asleep, though. I enjoyed laying on him too much to give it up, which is what I would have to do if I showed that I was awake. I'm not sure if he ever figured out if I was faking it or not, but if he did he didn't seem to mind.

It was a little hard to lay still in one spot though, since hunger pains chose that that moment was a perfect time to make themselves known. I couldn't keep my face from contorting in pain a few times as I feigned sleep, but Levi didn't react. I assumed that he thought I was just having a nightmare or something, because each time it happened he would run his fingers through my hair in means of comfort. And while it didn't help the pain, it did help me forget.

I tried to savor every moment that I had before we were called back to the dinning room for dinner, I hated every second I was forced to sit in there. I would have much preferred to remain there 'sleeping' in Levis lap but of course I couldn't have that, I eventually had to get up and trudge to the dinning room where I had to put on a convincing act.

I was dizzy when I stood up, but I expected that much. And the multiple brief slumbers I fell into left my body feeling particularly groggy and I had to try extra hard to try to prevent myself from falling over. Apparently I did a good job, because Levi didn't spare a glance in my direction.

We stayed silent the whole walk there, and for some reason it felt sort of tense. I was dreading the meal and it felt as if he was too, because he's concerned. Be that as it may, I wasn't going to let that stop me. I did feel sort of bad but really there was no way to avoid the guilt, he was going to find out one way or another.

I served myself very little, but it was more than usual. I filled the plate slightly more simply in an effort to satisfy Levi, even though I knew I wasn't going to eat nearly as much as I should. My stomach rumbled briefly and I flinched as a pang of pain coursed through me, its source being the hunger that I felt. However I did my best to ignore it.

I didn't feel like talking that night, so I only spoke when spoken to. Though no one seemed to be really paying attention to me anyways which was good, so thankfully I didn't have to talk a lot. It was as if upon walking through those doors, my mood had shifted and I was suddenly in a bad mood. I figured that it had everything to do with being around food.

I stared down at my plate blankly and poked around its occupants with my fork, I knew I should be at least eating a little bit of it but I couldn't bring myself to. The longer I stared down at it and contemplated taking a bite, the louder the voice in my head got. It was listing all the reasons I shouldn't and didn't need to eat, I was fat and if I ate now I would ruin everything. I wouldn't get thin, I wouldn't be able to accept myself nor could anyone else.

And at the moment the thought of eating made me feel sick, like if I ate I would throw up involuntarily. I felt this on occasion, the determination to push on and not eat a thing. While other times I want nothing more but to eat and I often break, but in moments like these I can never understand why I would ever want to eat. Even though my body was feeling the effects of starvation, I felt more mentally content than I have in a while.

Because I was finding the power to not eat, I was training myself to not need food.

I was torn from my thoughts by an elbow jabbing painfully at my side. Looking over, I found that Levi was shooting me a warning glare that I knew very well from the many times he had given it to me in this very room. He was telling me to eat, because of course he noticed that I haven't lifted the fork to my mouth once in however long we have been here. I looked away, deciding to ignore him now and deal with the consequences later.

I could feel his stare on me for a very long time after that, I knew he was upset with me now because I had chosen to ignore his attempts to 'help' me and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. All he could do was give silent gestures telling me to eat because he couldn't say anything out loud in front of everyone, and if I refuse to look at him, he can do nothing.

It was a temporary fix and I knew I would have to deal with him later, but I didn't care at the time. Because in the end all he could do was tell me not to do it and all I had to do was ignore him, there was nothing more that he could do to stop me. And that's why he wasn't going to. It wasn't like this was going to be forever, just until I was content with my body. If only he would leave me alone for that long, it would be better for both of us.

Another slightly more harsh jab at my side threw my train of thought once more and I snapped my head over to look at him, not even bothering to hide the irritation in my face. I should have known better than to think he would quit after one failed attempt. I furrowed my eyebrows at him and gave a look that told him to leave me alone, and he returned the look with one of half irritation and half concern.

He mouthed out the word 'eat' and glanced down at my plate before looking back at me, and I responded by ignoring him once more. I was silently praying that this dinner would be over sooner rather than later, though I don't think I was anymore eager about what would come afterwards either. At least we had showers tonight, so that would buy me a little bit more time to savor before I was locked in a room alone with his concerns and questions.

My prayers were answered not long after I looked away, and it would seem I spent quite a bit of time in my thoughts and it was now time to leave. I silently stood up before anyone else and walked as fast as I could to the doors, which wasn't very fast at all since I couldn't walk faster than a slow speed walk without feeling as if I was about to fall over with exhaustion.

Its not like I was expecting to escape Levi, but I was definitely hoping to. But of course that was not happening on his watch, so it wasn't very long at all till he appeared at my side as he always did, and really it probably wasn't that hard due to my lack of speed. 

I could feel him looking at me, and I didn't even have to look back at him to know what expression he held. He was both concerned and irritated with me for pulling that little stunt back there, and I couldn't really blame him but I just wished he would back the fuck off of the situation. I knew what I was doing and I would be fine and better off without his concern. Well, I didn't really know what I was doing but if I was careful enough I wouldn't get too badly damaged, right? Besides, even if I did I wouldn't much care.

"Eren we need to talk." He stated and my blood ran cold, I didn't want to talk. Not about this, not with him. Not with anyone, really.

"No we don't." I replied bluntly and he sighed heavily.

"We do." He shot back in a tone that told me that I was not getting out of this one, that he wasn't about to turn the other cheek and let me off the hook.

He left it at that as we entered the showers. Part of me wanted to get the last word in and deny him, but the logical part of me knew it wasn't going down like that because he wasn't about to give up. As much as I wanted and prayed that we would, he wasn't. I was fucked this time.

I held onto the small hope that during our time at the showers that he would somehow manage to forget all this and neglect to confront me when we get back to our room, but of course it was foolish to even begin to believe for a second. I avoided sparing a single glance in his direction, I simply focused on finishing before him. But I didn't really have to put that much effort in on that since he seemed to take his time making sure he was clean.

Thankfully, I was one of the first people out as usual. I used the towel that I had been using to dry myself off to cover up my lower half by tying it around my waist, then covering the rest of my body with the blanket I set atop one of the old useless  
lockers in the room connected to the showers and hurried to our room. I pulled the door shut only far enough that there was still a small gap, leaving some open so that a guard wouldn't think that we were both in here and lock up before Levi could get back.

I was cold nearly to the point of shivering as I dropped the blanket fumbled to quickly grab some warm clothes to put on my exposed skin. I settled for a baggy black crew neck sweat shirt and grey sweat pants, not really caring what it looked like as long as I could get it on my body quickly and hopefully warm myself up a bit.

I tossed the towel I had used along with my dirty clothes outside of the door into the hall for staff to tend to and debated if I should just sleep in what was my original bed tonight. If I did that, it would probably spark a whole different argument all together along with the one about my eating that was sure to take place soon.

So in order to avoid that, I decided to not be so childish and walked myself over to Levis bed and sat down with my back against the wall next to the night stand. I was nervous and dare I say, scared for what was about to come. He had confronted me on this a number of times before but this time I could tell he was very serious.

All I could do was deny everything, even though I know the damage is already done and nothing I can say will convince him otherwise. What else was there for me to do, he's going to tell me to stop and i'm not going to do that. All I can do is say that i'll be fine and that he's worrying about nothing. Straight up denying his demands for me to stop this was definitely not going to be good for our relationship, but I wasn't about to listen to him.

My stomach did a flip when I heard the metal door creek open, I didn't have to look up to know it was him, because really who else would it be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so next chapter is smut. Really long smut. I should have it up in an hour or two right after I finish proof reading and spell checking! Thank you so much for reading, comment if you enjoyed it and want me to continue. Your comments make my day so much better!~ ^.^


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spell checking this was such a bitch because I kept getting distracted and thinking my mom was going to come home and see me editing some major porn. But thank god I finished this before anyone got home, hallelujah. So here's the smut that I had so much fun writing, but my representation of gay sex is probably so off since i'm a teenage girl and writing from first person is hard with this shit. Ah, oh well I hope it pleases you guys anyways despite how crappy it is. Let me shut up and let you get on with reading these dorks alternate between clueless virgins and natural sex gods.  
> Enjoy~

It was a few long moments later that I heard the door shut and his drawers being pulled open. He was tense, I could feel it radiating off of him. The air around us was tense as well, and I was becoming slightly uncomfortable with his lack of words as he got dressed.

Normally he spoke about whatever as he got dressed and I would partake in whatever stupid topic he had chosen to converse on, though now the topic at hand wouldn't be so lighthearted and I didn't really want him to speak if it was going to be like this anyways. I kept my eyes down on my lap, picking mindlessly at my fingernails that were getting too long once again, I would have to do something about that soon.

I felt the bed shift a bit before a weight settled next to me, he was still silent as he took his place sitting right next to me against the wall, but I knew he wouldn't be silent for long. I too kept my mouth shut, of course, because speaking any sooner than he himself did would only earn me the displeasure of being forced to participate in this unwanted conversation faster than necessary.

"You didn't eat a single thing tonight, Eren." He spoke after a long while of silence, and I suddenly couldn't deal with this situation.

I kept quiet as I rolled over on my side with my back turned to him and threw the covers over my body, deciding to stubbornly attempt to avoid the inevitable to the best of my ability. And simply ignoring his seemed to be my best bet right now.

"Goodnight, Levi." I said with a light sigh and closed my eyes, but of course I wouldn't really be getting any sleep

"Oh no, you are not about to avoid this. We seriously need to talk because i'm getting extremely concerned." He was awaiting my reply, but I never gave him one. I simply shut my eyes tighter and tried to tune him out. "Fine, but can you at least tell me why your doing this to yourself?"

I didn't know what to do. Ignoring and denying sounded like a great plan until he was actually next to me, trying to pull information out of me on a subject I was more than reluctant to talk about. So I simply stood up and began walking to my own bed, I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't talk to him about this. Why did he fucking care anyways? Tears were beginning to form in my eyes.

Then a firm grip was closed around my wrist and I found myself being rather forcefully pulled back against the bed, falling on my back next to him. But the next second he was on top of me before I knew it, using both hands to hold my wrists on either sides of my head. Honestly, it fucking hurt to be man handled like that in my weak state, but I couldn't find it in me to call him on it when I saw the look in his eyes.

A cross between desperation, frustration, and sheer pain.

"No! I am not going to sit here and watch you slowly fucking kill yourself!" He half shouted, sighing with frustration as he closed his eyes and took a moment to compose himself before reopening them and looking directly into my eyes. "I'm not going to bear this anymore, the only reason I've been pretending to not notice these past weeks is because I was giving you space and letting you try to get better on your own, since you said you were going to try."

That was actually wrong. My exact words were 'maybe', and the only reason I even said maybe was to put his mind at ease. I never once agreed to get better.

"But I see now that you weren't even trying to." He continued on and I could't help but to flinch slightly, then his words got a bit softer after he noticed this. "I have lost everything that I've ever had, and I will not lose you. I won't let that fucking happen. Especially when I can prevent it. Do you know how much it would fucking crush me if you just died from starving yourself? I don't think I could even go on."

"Levi your worrying over nothing." I cut in. "I know what i'm doing and i'm not going to let it get to that point." That was a lie, I wouldn't really care if it did.

"But you really don't know what your doing, your killing yourself!" He sounded both exasperated and desperate in convincing me.

"So what if I am?!" I snapped, struggling to free myself from his grasp but soon becoming exhausted by the task and giving up as soon as I started. "Why do you fucking care anyways?" It was sort of a dumb question since I knew he cared and that's what matters, but I still didn't understand why he even cared.

"Because!" He stared down into my eyes and stopped himself from continuing, seeming to hesitate. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, and when he opened them again his expression was a lot gentler. I stared up at him, awaiting his answer. But the answer I got was not at all what I was expecting.

"Because... I love you Eren." His voice was so soft as he spoke, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

My heart felt as if it stopped in my chest and everything seemed to still around us. At first I wasn't sure if he had actually said that or it was just my imagination making things up. But, he had indeed said it and I didn't know what to do. I knew he cared about me, but to say such things so soon. I didn't want to believe it. Even though I knew I felt the same way, I couldn't bring myself to believe that he actually felt that way for me too. Part of me knew he did, but a bigger part of me believed this to be some sick joke and he was lying. But in reality he wouldn't do that to me.

"Levi..." I was at a loss of words, I wanted to say it back but I couldn't put a proper sentence together. I was still in shock at the confession, having a hard time believing what had come out of his mouth  
.  
"I know i'm saying it early, and I don't expect you to say it back. But I am sure of how I feel, and I wanted you to know it too. I don't want to lose you, because i'm in love with you. So please just keep that in mind." He had let go of my hands it it would seem he was about to leave it all at that, but it couldn't end there. After he brought himself to confess such a thing, I couldn't just do nothing. I had to show him how happy it actually made me.

As soon as my hands were free, I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck before he could move off of me and pulled him down until his face was mere centimeters from mine, then pressing my lips to his softly. I could hear a light gasp escaping his lips, assumabley shocked by my sudden actions. Though the shock didn't remain for too long, it was moments later that I could feel him responding to the kiss I had ignited, moving his lips slowly against mine.

One of his hands found its way to my hair and he threaded his fingers through the brunet locks while he used his other hand to interlock our fingers. I dropped one arm lower around him for the sake of getting more comfortable, wrapping one arm around his back and left the other where it was. I rested my fingertips at the base of the back of his neck and slowly ran my fingers up through his hair, feeling the fuzz of his undercut underneath my fingertips before they met full raven locks to tangle in as he kissed.

I felt his soft tongue flick lightly against my bottom lip after a little while and I look the hint, parting my lips enough for him to slip his tongue into my mouth. I more often than not let him control our kisses like this, he always seemed to be the dominant type even though we had about the same level of experience, and I didn't have a problem with submitting to him

I let myself get lost in the sensation of his tongue probing around my mouth, finding that our kiss was becoming less innocent and gentle, and more heated and passionate. He always stopped after a certain point because we were both unsure of exactly how far we should go and what point was one of no return, and it would seem that point was getting close.

He began to pull away, and a moment later to my displeasure, his lips were no longer on mine. I found myself instantly longing to feel his wonderful lips on mine again as soon as they were gone. We simply stared into each others eyes for a long while as we caught our lost breath, our lips still no too far from each other, in fact if I wanted to I could just lean forward and claim his lips once more, and I really really wanted to. However, he spoke before I got the chance to do so.

"I was worried for a second, you know." He paused for a moment before continuing in the sweet and soft tone he has only ever used when he was alone with me. "I thought I fucked up and said that too early, and that you were upset with me."

"I couldn't get upset with you over that, in fact it actually made me happy." And that was the truth, it did make me happy. While it was still pretty unbelievable and damn dear miraculous that he managed to fall in love with me of all people, it made me so happy. Happy enough to forget my troubles for at least the short time being.

I wanted to add to that, I wanted to say it back to him because I was sure of how I felt as well, and I knew I was in love with him. But I couldn't bring myself to say it, I wasn't sure if I was ready to voice my feelings as he had. He did say he didn't expect me to say it back if I wasn't ready, and I don't think I was at that moment. I felt bad that I could't return the words, but I know he knows how I feel without saying it.

Then the weight that had been resting on me began to disappear and the mattress sunk down next to me, and for a moment I thought that he was going to just leave it all at that. But it was to my surprise and pleasure that as soon as he had situated himself on his side, he leaned over to take my lips between his once more.

I rolled over on my side to take some strain off of his position and wrapped my arms around him and he did the same, embracing me in the familiar safe arms that I loved to feel around me so much. We resumed our previous kiss exactly where we had left off, instantly deep and passionate. It didn't take me long at all to get back into the rhythm of it and lose myself in the amazing feeling once more, savoring each and every moment of it.

Our bodies lay mere inches apart and I had moved to intertwine our legs together, the contact sending a jolt of electricity through my veins. His hands had been resting on my shoulder blades last time I registered, though now they were a bit lower, hands now residing towards the middle of my back rather than the top. I hadn't noticed the small movement when it happened, but now that I noticed I felt my stomach flutter slightly.

I had to force myself to hold in a low moan that threatened to escape my throat as he took my tongue between his lips and sucked at it lightly, though failed as it came out anyways, though slightly suppressed. My face heated up upon the realization that I hadn't successfully concealed the small noise of pleasure and I felt extremely embarrassed, though he didn't seem to mind. 

One of his hands began to fall lower, and I actually noticed this time. His hand slowly made its way from the middel to my lower back, fingers hesitating as they slipped underneath the hem of my shirt. I didn't protest when I felt his hand trailing cautiously up my back under my shirt, and I could tell that he was being careful, waiting for me to object. But I didn't.

I wasn't sure exactly where this was heading, but I knew that we were definitely going to end up going much further than we have before. And I wanted to. I didn't know what I was getting myself into by letting him advance further but I didn't really care. And on the chance that I want to stop, I know him well enough to know that he would stop immediately had I told him.

I tensed slightly as I felt his hand that had made its way up my back descending back down, and I could notice him faltering after I had done so. I didn't want him to stop, so I pressed our bodies closer so that they were touching and began kissing him with a bit more heat, figuring that would be enough of a conformation to proceed.

Then I no longer felt his hand wandering the skin of my back. Disappointed, I made a light noise of protest that morphed into one of pleasure as I felt the same hand resting on the back of my thigh, squeezing lightly. My cheeks burned bright red at my failure to keep in such noises and I could feel his lips upturn slightly into our kiss.

I was breathless and panting by the time that he separated our lips, yet I still didn't want him to pull away even though we both knew we needed air. I wanted to pull him back to me and let him violate my mouth more with that delicious tongue of his, kissing him felt so amazing, I never wanted to stop.

"Eren.." He breathed, lips parted and bruised from the kiss. His face was still so close, I could feel the warmth of his breath across my lips. "Maybe we should stop." He said, though my the way his hand was still moving slowly up my thigh I knew he didn't really want to stop. And neither did I.

"But I don't want to." I replied, looking into his sharp blue eyes as I spoke my protest to his proposal. I really didn't want to stop, I wanted to continue on into whatever we were getting ourselves into, I wanted to go as far as he will allow.

"Are you sure?" His hand stilled on my hip and his tone was suddenly serious, he needed to know this was what I really wanted. And it was.

"Yes Levi, i'm sure. Don't you want to?" I questioned just for extra reassurance that he wanted this too, even though I was sure that he did. If he didn't, he wouldn't keep touching me like this.

"I really do," He said, moving from my arms to instead roll me on my back and straddle me as he did earlier, though this time it felt a lot more erotic and I couldn't keep the blush from painting my cheeks. "I just needed to know that you do too."

He leaned down before I could say anything else and pressed his lips to mine, though the kiss was far more innocent than before and short lived before he moved down to kiss my jaw, then attaching his lips to the side of my neck. The warmth of his tongue darting out and running across my quickened pulse took me by surprise and I had to slap my hand over my mouth to keep in the moan that almost escaped my lips. I could feel him smirking against my skin as he repeated the action, his hand coming up to pry my own hand from my mouth and hold it to the bed instead.

I gasped lightly as he began sucking lightly at the skin that I hadn't known was so sensitive, a spark of pleasure shooting through my body and straight to my crotch. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had let myself get so aroused so easily, until I felt something just as hard against my thigh. Oh.

He dragged his tongue down on my neck and used one hand to tug the neck of my shirt aside to gain access to part of my shoulder, he then began focusing on the new patch of skin. I bit my lip and groaned as his teeth grazed the sensitive untouched skin and nipped lightly, adding small bites into the mix of licking and sucking. I was sure he was going to leave a mark at this point, but I didn't want him to stop. Besides, my shirts will cover that particular part of skin since its my shoulder.

He removed his hand from mine and instead used it to run up my shirt, fingers tracing up my stomach and torso. I could feel him hesitating slightly when his fingers came in contact with my ribs, but he was quick to cover up what I assumed to be shock, and I tried not to let that ruin my new found good mood. But I still couldn't fully push the thoughts away.

He gave the abused skin of my shoulder one final lick before finishing with a light peck, then pulling away to look down into my eyes. He released the neck of my shirt and used his now free hand to caress my cheek gently, trailing his fingers down my cheek as he gazed lovingly into my eyes.

"You really are beautiful, Eren." He half whispered, fingers roaming up to thread in my hair.

"I still don't believe you." As much as I didn't want to ruin the sweet moment, I still had to say it because i'm far too stubborn to accept a compliment that I know is a lie.

"Then I guess i'm going to have to try my best to make you believe it, even if only for tonight. I want to make you feel beautiful." He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, maintaining unbreakable eye contact as he spoke the unbelievably sweet words to me, words meant only for me.

Before I had a chance to even think of a proper reply, his lips were back upon mine, moving slowly on mine in a sweet and passionate kiss. I wrapped both of my arms around him and pulled him down against my body, leaving no space between us. By doing this I had managed to press his hardened length directly against mine, a light gasp escaping my lips at the contact.

I threw my head back on the pillow as I felt him moving his hips against mine in a swift motion that sent a wave of pleasure coursing through my body. My hips involuntarily bucked forward in an attempt to get more of that wonderful friction, and his own grinded down once more to meet mine. I found it impossible to suppress the moan that tore itself from my throat, and suddenly the realization hit me.

I was about to loose my virginity to him. Not that I had a problem with that at all, if I was going to do this I was glad it was with him. But I had never actually thought this would ever be happening to me, sex was always the very least of my worries in life and I guess I had always assumed that I would stay a virgin for my whole life. Being with someone just never seemed like a realistic possibility for me so a never even wasted my time thinking about it.

But now that it was really happening, it was almost unbelievable. I never knew how good it could feel, the intensity of the pleasure was surprising since I never experienced anything like it. I never even touched myself spare for very few times when I was a young teen, since like I said, sex was never a concern of mine. But somehow I knew that the feeling of touching yourself could never compare to how good Levi was making me feel.

I moved my hands down to rest on his lower back at the same time his dropped lower to lift my shirt up, pulling it past my chest. Then his warm, wet tongue was on one of my nipples, licking and sucking the nub until it grew hard. I nearly arched my back from the bed as another moan escaped my lips. His other hand found its way to my other nipple, rolling it between his fingers until it was just as hard.

I was slightly uneasy with the fact that my stomach was exposed to him, though I knew he was making a point not to pay any attention to it. I couldn't find it in me to really be that concerned with the matter, the pleasure I was feeling was too powerful over even self hatred. At least for the time being.

But soon the amazing sensation of his tongue diapered and he was moving to sit up a bit more, both hands moving up to take light hold of the hem of my shirt that he had pushed up nearly to my neck. I opened my eyes that I had at some point closed to gaze up at him questioningly, but suddenly I knew what he was about to ask before he could even open his mouth.

"Can I take your shirt off?" He requested in a cautious tone, and it was completely understandable why he was being cautious.

I didn't want to say yes but I didn't want to say no. I knew he wouldn't judge me for the state of my arms since his were in a almost worse state, but I was still a bit uncomfortable with it. Even if he'd seen them before, that was at times when I had no choice but to go shirtless, like while changing or showering. But it was a whole different thing voluntarily showing my arms.  
"Would it make you feel any better if I took mine off first?" He questioned after quite some time of silence and it became apparent that I wasn't sure how to answer.

I took it into consideration for a moment, it would make me feel a bit better if I weren't the only one with scars showing, but I was still uneasy. But it probably wasn't any easier for him than it was for me, it took courage from both of us to let our mistakes be known. So I nodded.

"I guess.." I finally spoke, my tone showing that I was still uncomfortable with the idea but I was still willing to do it for him.

He took a deep breath and leaned back more, hooking his fingers at the bottom of his own shirt. I could tell by the way he slowly and hesitantly lifted the fabric that he was nervous too, so I made a mental note to avoid staring at all costs. At his arms that is, but I couldn't help but to stare at his body as it was exposed inch by inch before my eyes.

I was mesmerized by the way his muscles shifted as he lifted the shirt fully over his head, then pulling his arms from the sleeves one by one and tossing the garment aside. I took in the sight of his body that I was seeing so close for the first time, so thin pale and perfect. Just another reason that I found it nearly impossible to believe that people would ever tease and bully him, he was so beautiful, so perfect. It occurred to me that this was probably how he saw me too, and if I told him how truly beautiful he was, he too would probably reject it and refuse to believe it.

It was hard not to let my eyes wander to his arms for a few seconds, and I hoped that he didn't notice the slip. Seeing them so close, I saw that his were indeed worse than mine, though nearly every scar that littered his arms from wrist to shoulder had turned a ghost white with all the time they have had to heal. I couldn't help but notice the thinner but still noticeable white scars that were in various places at the top of his hands as he reached out to grip my shirt. I usually chose to ignore those so he wouldn't catch me staring, but I have noticed them before, though they were very faint at this point.

There were also small patched of red skin in different parts of his forearm, mostly on his wrist. And I knew all too well what they were, since I do it myself too. They are places where he had scratched his skin. It was painful to see, but it did make me remember that he too had horrible problems and mental demons just as I did, and I was not the only one hurting. I wanted to speak on the subject now, but I opted not to in favor of avoiding ruining our night. Besides, I couldn't really tell him to stop since I understood why he needed to do it. I wasn't a hypocrite.

I lifted my body a bit and sat up to help him in the task of removing my shirt, feeling more and more uneasy with every inch that slipped off my body. Then my scars too were bared for his eyes to see. But I was slightly shocked to find that his eyes not once flicked down to my arms, he didn't even spare a glance and that made me feel a bit bad for looking at his for the few moments that I did, but I couldn't help it.

He maintained eye contact with me as he gently grabbed my wrist, slowly and cautiously lifting it in between us. I wasn't sure what he was doing, and I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation, but I let him continue even through the urge to yank my arm from his grasp. He kept his beautiful blue eyes locked on mine as he leaned down to press his lips first to my wrist, then the middle of my arm, and lastly the end of my forearm.

He had kissed my scars, and I didn't know if I should be happy or offended at the action. But before I could even properly react, he began speaking.

"You are so beautiful to me, Eren. I don't care if you have scars or not, and I don't care how you look and defiantly how much you weigh. I don't care about any of that, I only care about you and who you are. And while your a beautiful person on the inside, I fully believe that you are also a beautiful person on the outside too. And anyone who doesn't recognize your beauty is either blind or a fucking idiot. But the world is full of idiots, so I suppose that's how you wound up like this, huh?" He paused for a short moment to lower my arm back down to my side and cup my cheek in his hand.

"I know you still won't believe it, but just never forget how important you are to me and how much I fucking care. No body is perfect, but to me you are the closest thing to perfection." He brushed my hair back with his fingers and tucked the free hair behind my ears as he finished his little speech.

As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted to cry. What he had said was beginning to truly sink in, it was becoming more and more real how much he actually cared about me and I was just starting to truly believe how important I was to him. And while I could and would never bring myself to think so highly of myself, at that moment I knew he did.

I responded with the first thing that came to mind, and this time I knew I was ready to say it.

"I love you too, Levi."

And as the words left my lips, I knew that it was the whole truth. I did love him. Love wasn't an emotion that I felt very often, but I have felt it enough to recognize it. I loved my mother, and even despite what she did to me I still love her. I love Mikasa, and of course Armin, and now I know for a fact that I love Levi too. But it was a different type of love, I still cared for him in the ways I did for my family but I also wanted him to kiss me and hold me and never let go. I loved my family but I was in love with Levi.

I could see the shock from my sudden confession flash behind those icy blue eyes of his before his expression melted from one of shock into one of content, a genuine smile taking over his lips that normally only ever held either a bemused line or smallest of smirks. I couldn't fight the smile that began to grow across my lips too, though I didn't really try to fight it. Because for once, in that moment I was happy. It had been so long since I felt genuinely happy, I had forgotten how wonderful it was.

Nothing was said after that, nothing had to be said, We could feel each others happiness and that spoke volumes itself. He moved forward to straddle my hips, wrapping his arms around me and leaning down to kiss me sweetly. My hands soon found their place on his bare back, and I couldn't help but savor how good it felt to touch his skin for the first time.

And suddenly, everything felt better than before. Every touch had my body reacting more and every movement of his lips on mine sent my heart fluttering in my chest. A pleasurable chill made its way down my spine as his hands trailed down my sides, his nails grazing my skin lightly, but enough to give me goosebumps and pull an erotic moan from my lips that I would probably be ashamed of if I hadn't already stopped caring.

His lips left mine only to appear once more a moment later on my jaw, kissing down my jaw line and proceeding to my neck. A light gasp of bliss left my lips when I felt that warm tongue of his making contact with my neck, I leaned my head back to give him more access to the sensitive skin. I bit my lip and groaned lightly as he began sucking and licking at a new patch of skin he had yet to touch on his previous round, and I wanted him to suck harder but I knew he couldn't risk leaving a mark.

The feeling of his clothed erection grinding down against my own had me seeing stars for a few moments and a particularly loud cry of pleasure was torn from my lips without my permission, then he repeated the action again, and again. My body was left nearly trembling at just how good it felt, almost too good, but I never wanted him to stop.

I began moving my hips along with his to meet the slow rhythm he had formed, and I was rather pleased when my actions had managed to make him moan just as he had made me do moments ago. His mouth had left my neck in favor of throwing his head back as he cried out in pleasure, I leaned my head back down to be eye level and decided to take advantage of his new position.

I leaned forward and latched my lips onto the side of his neck, starting off by kissing the skin my lips met but slowly working my tongue in. A surprised gasp escaped his lips, he hadn't been expecting my action and I could only hope it was a pleasurable surprise since I didn't really know what the hell I was doing and I was simply mimicking what he did to me. The low moan that soon followed his gasp sent a wave of relief through me, confirming that he did enjoy what I was doing.

One of his hands came up to tangle his fingers through my air while the other wrapped around my hips, he leaned back and pulled my hips down against his. What he had done had swiftly changed out position, he slowly lowered himself until his back hit the mattress without my lips ever leaving his neck and I was on top of him, his legs wrapping around my waist.

I rested one of my arms by his side to support myself and bravely reached down with my other hand to cup the bulge in his pants, palming him through the fabric. I didn't know what I was doing or if I was doing it right, but it felt like the right thing to do so I went with whatever I felt. And apparently it was indeed the right thing to do, judging by the way his back arched off the bed and his legs tightened around my waist.

"Eren.." He moaned breathlessly, the sheer sexuality in his tone sending a jolt of pleasure straight to me member, the knowledge that I was the one to pull such a reaction from him turning me on even more.

I continued the action again, successfully making him cry out once more, and moved my lips down his neck to his shoulder just as he had done to me. I had been cautious not to leave a mark when I was focused on his shoulder, but I began sucking and nipping a bit rougher when I got to a patch of skin on this shoulder that I knew he could cover.

I marked him just as he had done to me, and almost in the same place too. The marks acted as temporary symbolism to show that he was mine and I was his. And even though the marks would fade with time, we would always belong to each other.  
Once I was satisfied with the dark mark that I had created on his shoulder, I pulled back at the same time that I used my hand to grip his cock through the fabric of his pants and give a long stroke. He hissed through his teeth and let his legs fall back down on the bed, digging his heels into the mattress and bucking his hips into my hand. And with one swift motion, I was pushed back against the mattress and he was on top of me once again.

I didn't protest, I simply laid back and let him dominate me. Even though I was on top of him, I was never really dominating him, he was letting me do as I pleased up until now and I was perfectly fine with him being the dominant one and honestly I was also a bit relieved since I knew I would have no idea what to do if I took the lead. Though he didn't really know what to do either, he was doing a good job at disguising his inexperience. It was almost hard to believe he'd never done this before.

He pushed my thighs apart and situated himself between my legs, running his hands down my body, slowly making his way lower and lower. I noticed the slight hesitation in his actions as he hooked his fingers in the waistband of my sweatpants, pausing to look up at me.

"And your positive that you want to do this?" He asked for final confirmation, and I nodded.

"I am." I replied, yearning to feel him touching me again and wishing he'd get on with it.

I laid my head back against the pillows, closing my eyes as I felt him begin to tug down my pants along with my boxers. I was embarrassed but I tried to ignore it the best I could, but it was hard. Who wouldn't be embarrassed the first time exposing themselves fully to another person? I knew I was over thinking it, so I forced all the thoughts from my mind and opened my eyes, staring at the ceiling above me.

I heard the light thump of my clothes hitting the floor after Levi had tossed them aside. The cold air hitting my now fully exposed body would have been much less pleasant if it weren't for the pleasure heating my body and the blush warming my face at the time I fought the urge to yank the covers over to hide my body from his eyes, but that would do no good.

Suddenly my mind went blank as he wrapped his fingers around my cock and gave it a long stroke. I threw my head back and clawed the sheets at my side, a loud cry of pleasure escaping my lips. He repeated the action, pumping me again and again until he had formed a rhythm that was slightly too slow. I thrusted my hips into his hand to meet his pumps, shamelessly moaning his name.

"Oh god... Levi!" I cried out, digging my nails into the bed sheets.

The pleasure was foreign, not something that I've really ever felt. But it had to be the most amazing thing I've ever felt now that I was feeling it. It was amazing how much just his hand could do to me, it left me wondering what else he could use to make me feel good.

Then his hand stilled. I looked down at him to see why he had stopped, and I was met with a gaze filled with passion and lust. I felt my cock twitch as we locked eyes.

"I really have no idea what i'm doing, but I've heard about how this works. Do you know?" He asked, removing his hand from my member so that I could gain the ability to think properly without the contact.

"Not really, what are you gonna do?" That was kind of a lie, I did know some of what was to happen but I wanted to know exactly what he was thinking instead of taking the chance of saying something stupid by opening my mouth.

"Well.." He paused, and I swear I could see the faintest pink blush dusting his otherwise pale cheeks. He held up two fingers and wiggled them a bit. "I need to stretch out out with my fingers."

It took me a moment to understand exactly what he meant by that, then it hit me. My face was burning at this point and I had to lay my head back, I couldn't hold his gaze anymore while talking about something so embarrassing.

"Just get it over with." I hid my face in my hand and tried to gain control of the blush coating my cheeks to my ears.

"We don't have to if you don't want to." He said in a softer tone, one of assurance.

While I didn't understand how something like that could end up feeling good, I still didn't want to stop. I had to put my trust in what I've heard about how great it feels and hope it doesn't hurt too much.

"No, I still want to. But please be gentle." I sighed a slightly shaky breath and let my hands fall back to my sides, knowing that I probably would have to grip something and that something would be the bed sheets.

I let my eyes wander back down to him as he took his index and middle finger between his parted lips and began licking and sucking on them, slicking them I assumed to make this easier of the both of us. I was momentarily mesmerized by the way his tongue moved over the thin fingers, our eyes locked for a few moments before I had to look away in embarrassment.  
He used the backs of his hands to nudge my this apart further and he scooted back a bit. I closed my eyes and took a breath in mental preparation, lifting my hips a bit to give him all the access he needed.

I tensed slightly when I felt a wet digit pressing to my entrance, he moved his fingertip in a circling motion that managed to pull a groan from my throat. He waited until my body relaxed before he began slowly pushing the tip of his index finger inside of me.  
It was really uncomfortable to say the least, but as the second half of his finger began penetrating me, it became more painful than anything. I tried to ignore the burning sensation that worsened as he pushed it in further, but it was nearly impossible. Thankfully, he kept still once the first finger was fully inside of me. It definitely didn't feel good, but the pain wasn't unbearable either. I've felt worse, after all.

"Does it hurt?" He inquired in a gentle tone, not daring to move yet.

"Y-yeah.." I replied honestly. "But not too bad."

"Just relax, it should feel better soon." 

We remained unmoving for a minute or so, he waited patiently for my body to adjust and I waited for the pain to subside for the most part. And once it did, there was only a odd feeling left. It didn't feel particularly good but I didn't dislike it either.

"Move..." I breathed, slightly nervous for how it would feel when he did.

It still stung when he slowly began working his finger inside of me, but he was doing so slow enough for it to not hurt as much at it potentially could. He was making sure to abide by my request to be gentle, and I was so grateful for that much. But the pain was slowly beginning to disappear all together and it began to feel sort of nice. I moaned lightly and he took that as a sign that it was okay to speed up a bit.

He began moving his finger in and out instead of just around as he had been doing before. The pain was still there but it wasn't nearly as bad as before, in fact I was beginning to enjoy how it felt. I involuntarily pushed myself down on his finger, moaning sharply as his finger was buried deeper inside of me. I gripped the bed sheets tightly between my fingers, closing my eyes and arching my back as pleasure burned its way straight to my member.

And anxious knot twisted in the pit of my stomach when I felt the tip of his second finger pressing at my entrance along side the one that was already inside. He pulled the first one out enough so that only the tip was left inside and waited until I gave a confirming nod to begin pushing the second finger in along with the first.

I gritted my teeth as the pain came back, worse this time. The brief pleasure that I had felt was now a sharp uncomfortable sting inside of me. I hissed through my teeth and screwed my eyes shut tight, gripping the bed sheets even tighter than before and doing my best to bear with the pain.

"Relax, it'll feel better soon." He soothed once both of his fingers were buried to the knuckle.

"I-it hurts..." I groaned in discomfort, shifting my hips unconsciously in an attempt to relieve some of the pain but only winding up making it worse.

"I know, but it'll feel good soon enough." 

And just as he said that, I felt his hand wrapping around my cock, pumping me rather quickly. The sudden jolt of pleasure had my back arching off the bed and the pain of his fingers stretching me disappearing for a moment. I cried out his name loudly, bringing my hand to my mouth and biting the back of it to muffle to cries that I couldn't stop from escaping my lips.

It hadn't numbed the pain completely, but it had caused the pain to blend with the pleasure and making it far more bearable. And it was when he began to stroke me at a slower pace that I noticed that it didn't hurt nearly as much anymore. I squeezed my eyes shut tight as the two fingers began moving slowly inside me, the sting returning instantly though it was nothing more than a dull ache at this point.

I cursed under my breath against the back of my hand and tried to regain control over my hips that were involuntarily pushing back against his fingers. I hadn't thought that it would feel good at all and if it did it couldn't be that good, but here my body was wanting him inside me so desperately because it was beginning to feel so unbelievably good.

My body tensed and shuddered in pleasure as he began pumping my cock faster at the same time that he began moving his fingers in a scissoring motion, I bit the back of my hand hard in an attempt to muffle the damn near scream his actions tore from my throat. I wasn't feeling much pain at this point, and the pain I did feel was mixed with pleasure until I couldn't tell the two apart.

He began moving the digits in an out, gradually reaching deeper inside me with each thrust of his wrist. And then suddenly I was met with probably the best feeling I've ever felt, a shock of pleasure so intense my back arched straight off the bed and my hips forced themselves as far down onto his fingers as possible.

"Oh god, L-Levi do that again." I wasn't sure exactly what he had done but I wanted to feel it again, I needed to.

He paused for a moment before complying and mimicking what he had done before, the first time failing but once he repeated the action a second time, I felt it again. I cried out and dropped my hand to my side, clawing so hard at the sheets I thought they were going to rip, though I didn't really care if they did at the moment.

He did it again, and again, and again. Each time he succeeded at hitting whatever spot was causing this intense pleasure to course straight to my member. His fingers were thrusting faster now and hitting the spot dead on every time, his hand around my cock was going just as fast and I didn't know how much more that I could take.

"Levi.. I can't.. i'm gonna..." I warned the best I could through my cries and gasps, barley able to even think straight enough to form the sentence.

He didn't stop, if anything he began going faster. I couldn't take it anymore, the heat building in my groin kept getting more and more intense until it collapsed. I bucked my hips up in his hand as I reached my climax, moaning his name and squeezing the sheets in a white knuckle grip.

My body jerked with each wave of pleasure, warm liquid hitting my skin as I came onto my stomach and his hand. I panted with shuddering breaths as I tried to pull myself into a proper state of mind, the haze of pleasure still lingering thick in my mind. I groaned at the feeling of his fingers sliding out of my and his hand leaving my member.

I looked down at him questioningly as he leaned over the bed and grabbed something off of the floor. It was the shirt that he had previously had on before discarding it to the side. He first used it to wipe his hand off before moving forward and wiping the cum from my stomach.

"Gross." I commented once I regained my fairly even breathing and ability to form words.

"Oh shut up their gonna wash it anyways. Or would you prefer to stay dirty?" He teased, balling the newly soiled shirt up and tossing it to the floor once again.

"We're not done yet are we?" I ignored his sarcastic question and asked one of my own.

"Do you want to be?" He countered with another question, and I shook my head.

I sat up so that I could reach down and grab the hard bulge that remained in his pants, he was ignoring his own arousal to ensure my pleasure, up until now that was. I wanted him to feel as good as I did moments ago, I didn't want to stop here because that just wouldn't be fair. And I truly did desire to take this to the furthest point.

"I want you to take me." I purred in a low and what I could only hope to be sexy tone, rubbing his cock through his pants as I spoke.

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, visibly suppressing a cry. His hips moved against my hand at the same time that I rubbed him, though it couldn't feel too good with his clothes in the way. So I slipped my fingers in the band of his pants and began tugging them down. He helped in the process of removing his pants and underwear all together, pulling his legs out himself and throwing the last garments on the floor along with the others.

I allowed myself to glance down at his fully exposed body, eyes widening slightly when I caught sight of how much bigger he was than I had expected. Without thinking, I asked the very first thing that came to mind.

"Is it gonna fit?" I questioned with slight concern as I stared down at his impressive length.

"I guess, I mean other people do this so it has to right?" He didn't sound too sure of himself either and that scared me a bit, though he must have noticed since he spoke up after sensing my discomfort. "I'm sure it'll be fine, if it hurts too much just tell me to stop. Okay?"

I nodded in conformation, the fact that he wouldn't mind suddenly stopping just because I wanted to even when we were this far into it making me feel a lot better about the situation. I reached down to stroke him just he did to me and leaned forward to take his lips between mine. I couldn't hold back the satisfied smirk the crossed my lips when he moaned sharply into the kiss and rutted his hips in my hand.

I didn't try to take control of the kiss, because I wanted him to dominate me right now. I quickly learned tonight that I was the submissive type and he was definitely the dominant type, which worked out perfectly for me because I don't know what I would have done if he wanted me to be on top of him, I was absolutely clueless and I much preferred laying under him and letting him figure most things out, as selfish as it sounded. It saved me the embarrassment of fucking up.

He slipped his tongue into my mouth and I couldn't help but melt into the familiar and wonderful sensation of him probing my mouth, the taste of him electrifying my senses. Each time his tongue grazed mine, a flutter of heat coursed though my body and it didn't take very long at all for my cock to fully harden once again just from touching and kissing him.

He wrapped his arms around me and began lowering my back against the bed without breaking our kiss, my hands falling back to lay at my sides in the process. Once the back of my head met the pillows, his arms disappeared from around my body and instead he rested his hands on my shoulders. The feeling of his fingertips slowly tracing down my body sent a chill down my spine and I shuddered in pleasure and anticipation.

He moved down and left a trail of kissed from my chin down my neck before sitting up between my legs. And then I began feeling anxious, the realization that I was about to be penetrated by something so big in just a few moments hitting me all at once. I was nervous and maybe even a little bit scared since I had no clue what the outcome would be, but I still had no desire to stop.

"Are you ready?" He asked in a soft and soothing tone that did at least a little to calm my raging nerves.

I swallowed hard and gave a nod, I just wanted to get the painful part over with and pray to every higher power that the whole thing wouldn't be painful. Though with his sheer size it was hard to imagine it feeling good since only two of his fingers hurt pretty damn bad.

I watched as he thought for a moment before he spat on his hand and rubbed it across his member, the thought of how unsanitary that probably was crossed my mind for a moment though I couldn't bring myself to much care since the sight brought an odd arousal to me. Once he was satisfied with the coating, he pushed my thighs apart and took hold of them, keeping them in place.

"I'm gonna put it in, okay?" He requested confirmation one last time before it was too late, I could already feel the head of his cock resting at my entrance, waiting to enter.

"Yeah, okay.. But please go slow and gentle." I tried to keep any traces of unease from my tone, but failed miserably.

"Don't worry I will. Remember, if it hurts too much just say stop." He said, and I nodded.

He allowed me a few more moments to mentally prepare myself, reaching down to grab my hand and intertwine our fingers in a comforting gesture. I took a deep breath before giving another nod, signaling him that I was ready from him.

It hurt, it really fucking hurt. And only the tip had been pushed inside of me so far, I gasped a sharp intake of air and griped his hand tightly. He didn't move for a little bit after he had pushed in that much, though it was little and there was a long way left to go. Once my breathing had calmed down a bit and my body relaxed around him, he began pushing more in.

"A-ah, ow it hurts!" I gasped lightly once more and squeezed his hand as tightly as I could in hopes of relieving some of the pain.

"Should I stop?" He asked, an edge of pain in his own voice, probably because I was squeezing his hand so hard. But his dick was inside me right now and it felt like I was gonna tear in two, so the least I could to was squeeze the hell out of his hand.

"No, don't stop.. just wait a second." I gritted my teeth and tried to focus on evening out my breathing and relaxing my body.

He obeyed, remaining still until I was relaxed and I gave him a nod of approval to go in some more. He began slipping in inch by inch, letting out a moan of what I assumed to be pleasure judging by the look of his face. I was glad he was enjoying himself at least. I on the other hand let continuous groans of discomfort and pain escape my lips with each little bit that he slid inside.

It hurt a lot, but at least I went into this knowing that I was going to hurt. I was relieved when he was finally in all the way and he had fully penetrated me with his cock. I closed my eyes and released a shaky breath, the rapid rising and falling of my chest slowly but surly evening out.

I released my death grip on his hand, and found that my knuckles were sore from holding his hand so tightly. I opened my eyes as I felt him take my hand once more and pull it upwards a bit more, and watched as he leaned down and kissed ,y white knuckles gently.

"I'm sorry it had to hurt so much." He apologized, an air of genuine guilt lingering in his voice, I gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Its okay... just don't move yet and i'll be fine." I replied before placing my hand back down on the sheets

I minute to two passed before I found that my body had relaxed fully and my breathing was back to normal. I still felt a dull ache but it wasn't an unbearable pain like it was before. So I opened my eyes and looked down at him, giving a little nod that he could go ahead and move.

I hissed and gritted my teeth as I felt him pulling out a little before pushing back in, and suddenly the pain was back. The dull ache turned into a full sting once more, I clawed the sheets and threw up head back, screwing my eyes shut. He waited a few moments before repeating this action, though pulling out a bit more this time before pushing slowly back in.

I brought my hand up to my mouth once more, though this time biting the side of my thumb to keep from crying out in agony. The new pain I felt in my hand did a little to help forget about the pain in my rear, though Levi soon rested his hand on mine and willed it away from my mouth.

"Your going to make yourself bleed if you keep that up." He warned as he pried my hand from my teeth. I sighed.

"I can't help it, it really hurts." I moved my hand down to instead grip at the sheets as I had been doing previously.

"So then how does it makes sense to cause more pain?" He questioned

"I dunno just shut up and move, okay?" I said once I took notice that the pain had considerably subsided at this point.  
When he pulled out more this time, I noticed that it didn't hurt as much. The sting was still there and I couldn't ignore that much, but it was bearable. 

He slowly pushed back in and I moaned softly, the pleasure slowly beginning to overpower the pain.  
By the time that he had managed to work up to pulling out fully and pushing in fully as well, I was feeling more good than bad. Cries and moans frequently escaped my lips without my permission and my hips were pushing down against him every time he pulled back. Though I wasn't the only one making noises, he had gotten considerably loud himself, though I was still the one making a majority of the noise.

He was still keeping a slow pace, cautious to only go as far as I wanted to. And right now I wanted more, the too slow pace was beginning to grow agonizing and I needed him thrusting into me faster, harder. I groaned as lust and pleasure began to cloud my mind.

"Faster Levi, oh god!" I cried out, and he didn't need to be told twice.

He almost instantly sped up, as if he was waiting for the demand, and he probably was. It couldn't have been that easy for him to hold back as much as I knew he was, and the fact that he was controlling himself so well for me meant a lot. But we both needed a faster pace now, we were both burning for it.

I cursed a string of profane words mixed with moans and Levi's name as he pounded into me harder and faster, the pain now long forgotten and all I could bring my mind to focus on was the man inside of me. All my previous worries had diapered and I was now extremely happy that I hadn't backed out before we got to this point, because oh my god it felt amazing.

His cock was reaching so much further inside me than his fingers did, so it didn't take him all to long to find that spot he had hit before. And when he did, my back arched right off the bed and I practically screamed.

"A-ah Levi, there!" I had tried to keep my voice down since we were in a hospital after all, though I doubt people could hear us all that well through these thick concrete walls, which was good since I failed miserably at keeping my voice down.

He began angling his hips in the way that he had them before in an attempt to repeat the exact thrust that made my vision go black, and a few thrusts later he finally succeeded in finding that wonderful spot inside me. He cried out as I tightened around him at the same time that I cried out in ecstasy.

He leaned down over top of me and supported himself on his elbows, never seizing his hard thrusts into my sweet spot as he took my lips in a deep kiss. Our warm breath mixed as we panted through the sloppy kiss, moans and light gasps mixed with the sound of kissing and skin against skin.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and hooked my ankles at his lower back, bringing my arms up around his neck and leaning my head back as I moaned his name. He took advantage of my actions, leaning down to kiss and suck on my neck lightly, though still mindful about leaving marks in visible areas. I ran my fingers up through his hair, crying out once more as he bit lightly at the skin

He leaned all his weight on one arm, using the other to reach down between his and grip my cock, pumping my fast in time with his rapid thrusts. I dug my nails into his back with the hand that still remained on his shoulder blade and tried not to pull his hair too hard, though if I did he didn't seem to care since the only reaction I got was a soft moan against my skin.

"Eren.." He breathed, lifting his head to look at me. "I-i'm close." He warned and I could tell he was struggling to keep his voice steady.

"Me.. me too." I managed to get out through shaky pants and groans.

I knew I couldn't last much longer, that heat that I felt before was beginning to build once more until I could't hold back anymore. I wrapped both arms around him tightly and moved my hips in sync with his, my soft moans gradually escalating into loud cries as I couldn't hold back anymore. My body stiffened for a beat as an intense wave of pleasure washed over me and my mind went blank.

The next thing I registered was Levi crying out my name and an odd warmth filling my up inside. My body shuddered while I began to come down from the intense orgasm, and my body fell limp against the bed. I let my legs and arms fall back down and panted with exhaustion.

Only when I felt the bed shifting without Levi pulling out of me did I open my eyes out of curiosity. I watched as he struggled to reach for something on the floor, and returning with what was my sweat pants in hand. He then pulled out and quickly caught the liquid that leaked out of me before it could hit the sheets, I shivered at the odd sensation. Next he used a clean part of the fabric to wipe off my chest from where I came once again.

"Those are my pants, you dick." I couldn't help but to remark, a playful edge recognizable in my voice. He rolled his eyes and balled them up like he had with his shirt and threw them on the ground.

"Its either we dirty up something that's going to be washed tomorrow or something that we have to sleep in, think about it Eren." He said as he moved to lay down next to me.

I instantly curled up to him, laying my head on his shoulder and resting my arm on his chest while one of his arms came up to wrap around my shoulder. Then everything was silent, but it was a good kind of silence. It was comfortable. Nothing had to be said because I was content just laying on him, tracing idle patterns on his chest with my fingertips just as he seemed content just holding me.

As we laid in the silence, I allowed the reality of what we just did sink in. I had lost my virginity to him, and he lost his to me. And somewhere in the middle I had managed to confess my love for him. So much had happened that night and for once I was happy, not a single care was running through my mind in the moments that we just laid there with each other. It was as if all of our problems disappeared for the night and the only thing we were left to care about was each other. It was such a nice break from reality that we both needed so desperately.

"Did it hurt a lot?" He broke the silence after a long while, running his fingers up and down my upper arm soothingly, and for the moment I was actually able to forget the mistakes that lie there.

"Yeah," I nodded. "At first it did." I said honestly.

"I figured it hurt by the way you almost broke my fucking fingers with your death grip." He teased with a light smile.

"Yeah well you try taking a dick up your ass and not grip something for dear life because it fucking hurts." I rolled my eyes and he hummed in amusement.

"Maybe later but not tonight, i'm tired and we should really get dressed unless you want Hanji walking in on out stark ass naked bodies in the morning." He said, and I couldn't tell if he was kidding about the first part or not but i'd be lying if I said that its not something that I would like to try in the future.

He moved away from our embrace to sit at the side of the bed and push himself to his feet, and I followed to do the same. Though I ended up falling right back down on the bed the very moment I stood.

"Fuck!" I cursed as a sharp pain coursed through my rear, and i'm not sure why I wasn't expecting that.

"Are you okay?" Levi turned around instantly to aid me if necessary, the concern in his voice being really strong.

"Yeah, it just hurts to walk.." I rubbed the back of my head and looked away with a blush that seemingly came out of no where once I actually noticed that Levi was completely naked in front of me.

"Then just stay there, i'll get your clothes for you alright?" 

I nodded and sighed, trying not to watch him as he turned around to walk to his dresser first though failing miserably in the simple task of not stare at his gorgeous body, and of course I blushed once again when I caught myself and tore my eyes away. The next time I laid eyes on him, he had slipped on a pair of sweat pants similar to the ones I had on earlier and nothing else.

I questioned why he hadn't put a shirt on and left his arms exposed, then it registered that he was probably a lot more   
comfortable with his scars out around me than I was with mine. That made me feel a bit bad but I knew it was going to take time to get fully comfortable with it, the fact that I had let him take my shirt off tonight was enough of a step for now.

He handed me a long dark grey sweat shirt that he assumabley took as the first thing from my drawer and a pair of black briefs. At least the colors went well, though the underwear wouldn't be visible anyways since the sweat shirt reached mid thigh on me. He then crawled on the bed and laid down behind me, not paying attention to me as I pulled on the briefs and then the shirt, I felt a lot more comfortable when I was covered up once again.

I tried to limit my movements as I crawled back over to lay next to him, trying my best to avoid that shooting pain and doing considerably well. He instantly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his bare chest once I had laid down on my side next to him. I nuzzled my face against his warm chest and pulled the covers up over us since I was beginning to notice how cold it was again and I also had to question how he was sleeping shirtless when it was this cold. Though, I suppose it was only this cold to me.

"Eren.." He spoke after a long few moments of silence between us. I looked up at him, resting my chin on his chest.

"Hmm?" I replied, wrapping one arm around his and savoring the feeling of my fingers against his warm bare back.

"Promise me that you'll never leave me, no matter what. Because if I lost you, I really don't know what i'd do now." He said softly, so much emotion filling his voice it almost hurt because I could hear so clearly how much he cared about me.

"I promise I won't ever leave you as long as you don't give up on me." I didn't want to ever make a promise that I couldn't keep, so at that moment I also vowed to myself that I would have to be so careful not to do something that would kill me and no matter how much I wanted to be gone, I couldn't leave Levi, because if I left him he would probably do something stupid. It was easier when I thought about it but I knew carrying out my own vow was going to be difficult.

His arms tightened around me and I could see a smile taking over his lips, a sight I would never ever get tired of seeing. Levi didn't truly smile often, and I was always left mesmerized by the beauty of it when he did manage to crack a smile  
.  
"I promise." He said softly, that perfect smile still lingering across his lips. "I love you so much." He half whispered, looking into my eyes with those stunning blue orbs.

I felt my heart skip in my chest when he said that, my ears still not wanting to believe what they were hearing but it was undeniable at this point. Levi was in love with me, even though how he could manage to fall for me remained a mystery since ninety-nine percent of the world seems to hate my guts. But he loves me. It was going to take a while to fully wrap my head around it, but deep down I knew it was true.

"I love you too, Levi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell if this sucks or not so I would appreciate it if you'd tell me if its absolute crap or not. I'd be happy to fix any mistakes if you spot any, so if you see one let me know! I hope you enjoyed reading, as always leave a comment if you like it and want me to continue~


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay lets just assume that every chapter I write is gonna be hella long unless I say otherwise.. because yeah this is pretty long. I have a problem with writing too much, especially since nothing really happens in this and its pretty much just a filler chapter full of pointless shit. Well a thing or two isn't really pointless but whatever.  
> TRIGGER WARNING for eating disorders, I forgot to put it on the last ones because you guys know the drill by now but I feel the need to say it again, if your easily triggered by anorexia or bulimia please skip the parts that talk about his ed! I don't wanna be the cause of someones trigger :C  
> Anyways I hope you enjoy~

I awoke to the normal wake up call, Hanji's shrill voice ringing in my unconscious mind until I was forced to open my eyes and face reality, though I longed to stay asleep. I blinked a few times as the echo of our door slamming shut filled the room, trying to clear the remains of sleep lingering in my eyes but failing, I felt exhausted.

I grumbled and buried my face in the warmth of Levis chest, and suddenly became aware of his arms still around me as if he hasn't moved an inch since last night. It took my sleepy mind a few moments to remember all of last nights events, and the odd thing was that once it did come back to me, I didn't feel embarrassed as I should have. I sort of felt closer to him.

"Mornin' Eren." He greeted, one hand moving to brush some hair from my face, and I couldn't help but lean into the touch.  
But I then also noticed that he now had a shirt on, and I could have sworn that he went to bed without one last night. There was no way that I was remembering wrong, I knew for a fact he didn't fall asleep with that on.

"Didn't you go to bed shirtless last night?" I asked the question almost immediately after it had popped into my mind, though it briefly registered that I should have returned the 'good morning' before questioning him, but my sleepy mind couldn't be bothered with that.

He nodded and moved to sit up, and I allowed him to by removing my arms from around him and pushed myself up in a sitting position after him.

"I woke up a while ago and it was cold as hell, so I put a shirt on. But I couldn't get back to sleep." He shrugged at the last part, and I felt sort of bad since he had told me about his problems with sleeping but it seemed to be getting better lately, though I suppose it couldn't get perfectly fixed that easy.

"Are you tired?" I asked, but it was sort of a stupid question.

"Yeah a little, but I think the reason I couldn't sleep was because my mind wouldn't stop going. I was thinking a lot." He stared off at the opposite wall as he spoke, running his fingers up through his slightly messy hair idly a few times, fixing it a bit in the process.

The fact that something was weighing on him mind concerned me a bit, and I wanted to help him if he'd let me. Though I've noticed since the first day that he wasn't and wouldn't be one to just tell people about him problems when offered help, but it was worth a shot.

"Thinking about what?" I tried, folding my fingers in my lap and watching him carefully.

He stayed silent for a little while, simply staring off at the wall as I kept my gaze on him. I began to worry that he wasn't going to say anything at all, but then he finally broke the silence, however with the last reply I would ever want to hear.

"You managed to totally throw me off track last night, and i'm still really concerned for you." He looked over to me and gazed directly into my eyes, my jaw tightened.

"Can we not right now?" I sighed, already feeling my frustration growing.

"If not now then when, Eren? You always find a way to avoid it." He countered, and he was right. I did have a talent for getting out of this particular talk most every time it occurs, and I needed to find a way to avoid it again.

My first instinct was childish, but I acted on it nonetheless. I simply turned on the bed and moved to stand up, intending to walk away from the situation as if it would fix it. And maybe it could for the moment at least. Though before I could take my first step away from the bed, I was met with a shooting pain in my rear, the same one I felt last night when I tried to walk. Fuck everything right now.

I was sent near tumbling to the ground in an instant, if it wasn't for the pair of arms that wrapped themselves around my waist at what seemed to be lightning speed and pulled me back down to sit at the edge of the bed. I groaned miserably and sat still, waiting for the pain to die down before sighing and prying his hands from around my waist, placing his hands on the bed and attempting to stand up once more.

"Be careful, Eren." He warned with a sigh behind me, though I could hear the tracks of irritation in his tone.

The very mention of discussing my eating disorder make my temper waver, so I knew I needed to remove myself from the conversation before it started, even if it meant biting back a literal pain in my ass and limping over to my dresser without a word. 

Which is exactly what I did. 

It was hard to suppress the little groans of pain that threatened to escape my lips and keep my steps steady with the dizziness I felt, but I managed until I reached my destination that was really only a short few steps, but it felt like much more. I was so glad when I found myself able to lean on the dresser for support.

"I'm not trying to piss you off, but i'm going to tell you right now that we are going to deal with this if you like it or not." I gritted my teeth as I listened to his words from behind me. "You don't need to do this, and I really want to know why you feel you need to."

I yanked my drawer out with probably a bit more force than necessary and began rummaging through it for a random outfit, my mind not really on the task of choosing clothing and rather on my irritation over how Levi just had to bring this shit up first thing in the morning. Couldn't he have waited until I was fully awake before effectively ruining my lingering somewhat good mood from last night? I mean really.

"I don't want to talk about this right now, can we drop it?" I kept my glare down at my bunched up articles of clothing, even as he came into the side of my view when he too walked to his own dresser, though he wasn't there to change since he already had. He was just there to observe my actions and that was annoying me.

"Will you at least eat a little bit this morning? Your ribs are starting to show..." He spoke the last part a bit quieter, audible concern gripping at his tone. 

I gripped some of the black fabric of the first sweat shirt my fingers found and dug my nails into it as hard as I could, I was getting more and more irritated with his unwavering concern over me even though I knew I should be grateful that he cares enough to show me his concerns. But honestly I would appreciate it if he would just fuck off and address this later, though I knew when later came I still wouldn't want to talk about it.

Then the vow I made to myself last night came to mind. I had to be careful with what I did, I couldn't let myself die from this and it probably wouldn't do much good if I simply put off eating for another day. I should eat. But I won't, because then again how bad could it be to go just one more day, especially when I felt so capable of it. It faintly registered that I could be potentially breaking my vow, but it was easier to make the vow than carry it out.

But I wasn't going to tell him that, I had a plan from that very moment and if he played along like I knew he would, it would work perfectly.

"No, Levi I don't think I can." I started off, though refusing wasn't my intent. 

I was going to eventually agree after he pry's like I know he will, but I wouldn't keep the food down after breakfast, though of course he wont't know that. But if I simply agreed to eat after he asks once, it would look too weird and could give me away. I was thinking five steps ahead of him, and maybe it wasn't necessary, but I couldn't take a chance with him.

"But you didn't eat last night, you have to eat at least a little or you could hurt yourself." He sounded genuinely worried, and it hurt a little. But still not enough to make me reconsider my last second plan, as long as he thinks i'm okay that's all that matters.

"I'm not going to hurt myself." I countered as I finally pulled out a pair of sweat pants to put on, figuring that it wouldn't be pointless to change my shirt since I did that right before bed and I really didn't have the energy.

"You are though! Please, just eat a little." He was damn near begging at this point, and it hurt a little more. Still not enough.

I crossed my arms and sighed, closing my eyes with a frustrated expression that I didn't really have to fake fully and made it seem as if I was considering it with a struggle. I waited a few moments before opening my eyes, finding a foolish sort of hope hiding behind his eyes. He was falling for it.

"Fine. Fine i'll fucking eat, happy?" I spoke in a snappy tone to top off this little act of mine that I executed perfectly, if I do say so myself.

I watched his shoulders fall in a sigh of relief and he crossed the room to wrap his arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace that had my body relaxing ever so slightly. No matter how upset or pissed off I was, every time I felt his arms wrapping around me it was as if my body relaxed instinctively without my minds permission. But its not like I was fighting it, I couldn't stay mad at him even if I tried so I brought my arms up around him to return the hug.

"Don't forget what I told you last night." He said, one of his hands rubbing a small circular pattern on my back comfortingly. "I've never felt this way for anyone and I won't just sit here and watch you do this to yourself. I just want to help you."

I wanted to pull away and refuse his offers of help, but it felt too good to be held by him, and I had just 'agreed' to eat so it wouldn't do to throw a fit now. So I opted to just stay quiet and not give a response at all, since I couldn't think of an appropriate one.

He didn't pry on my silence, and I was really thankful for that. I was relieved when the conversation was dropped and left at that, he was already reaching for the door handle for both of us to exit. Before we left I carefully bent down to retrieve the warm blanket that I had discarded to the floor last night and wrapped it around my shoulders.

He held the door open and once I had successfully hobbled out the door as pain free as I could, he followed and shut it behind us. A few seconds after we had started down the hall way behind what seemed to be everyone else since we had left a bit later than usual, I felt an arm wrap around me. Instinctively, I leaned on him for support which did take some of the strain off of me and eased the pain a bit though upon realizing that he actually had his arm around me while we were approaching a few guards made me uneasy.

I shot him a sideways glance to express my concerns, but he kept his arm around me. He didn't return my gaze, he simply kept his steel blue orbs locked forward and his arm firmly around my waist. I felt a lurch of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, fearing for the consequences of a guard seeing such a display. Sure, he was helping me walk steady but its not like we could explain off why i'm walking unsteady in the first place. They don't seem too forgiving of homosexuality here, from what I've gathered.

I was slightly panicked as we approached the two guards holding the cafeteria doors open for the patients that poured in before us, and it would seem we were going to be its last occupants. My stomach turned as one of the guards eyes landed on us and he whispered to the other one who then turned his attention to us also.

Levi had ignored them as they glared at us, and I tried my hardest to pretend that I didn't notice. But just as I had expected, one man flung his arm out in front of the entrance to stop us in our tracks. I glanced over at Levi nervously, who was now matching the guards glare with a venomous one of his own.

"Would you mind explaining why your arm is around Jaegers waist right now?" Asked the man, his eyes shifting between the both of us. His arm didn't move.

I was sort of surprised that he knew my last name, since it would seem i'm nothing but a number here.

"He stubbed his toe on your shitty dressers and can't walk straight. And its not like your lovely fellow staff members will do anything to help him so I am taking it upon myself to lend a hand." His tone was dangerously calm despite how offensively he was speaking to them, and that was worrying me. "Now if you two assholes will kindly move out of the way."

I elbowed him in the side through my blanket but he payed no mind to me, instead he kept his stare set on the man before him who seemed to be getting very upset with the way he was talking to him.To be expected, of course/

"What makes you think you can talk to me like that? You better watch your fucking mouth kid, unless you want to be in solitary confinement for the next week. If i'm not mistaken, you've done time in there before over your shitty mouth so I would watch it." The man spat, crossing him arms, his glare never relenting.

I could feel Levi tense up and he opened him mouth to say something back, something that would surely get him locked up for some time so I removed one arm from underneath the warmth of my blanket and placed it on the middle of his back, pushing him to walk forward before he could get another word out. We brushed past the guard with ease, and it would seem they didn't try to stop us for some reason. I assumed they bought Levis lie, even though there was a glimmer of truth behind it.

"Are you crazy?" I questioned, lightly slapping him on the arm before allowing him to support me once more. "You cant just say shit like that to them."

"They piss me off." He replied simply.

"They piss me off too, but you can't just do that." I sighed.

"Are you defending them?"

"No, Levi. Cut that out, i'm just saying that they can lock you up easily and i'll be pissed if you get yourself in trouble like that." I rolled my eyes at his assumptions.

He was silent for a few moments, the only sound to be heard from him above the rumble of everyone talking being a light sigh, though I felt the slight rise and fall of his shoulders more than I heard him.

"When i'm pissed off I don't have a filter, so my bad." The last part was sarcastic, but I understood his excuse too well to take this any further, so I just let it drop there.

The conversation had almost made me forget where we were, and I was met with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I realized that we were now in front of food. Food that I had told Levi I was going to eat, even though I really really didn't want to. I knew that I wasn't going to keep it in me for that long but the thought of eating it at all made me want to cry.

I had done this for quite a while now, so long that I was almost use to going a few days without eating more than a couple bites. It was to the point where the mere thought of swallowing a single bite of food made me want to throw up, and I was sort of proud of the fact that I had successfully trained myself to hate food. At least I was far less prone to binging now.

I knew Levi was watching me as I served myself, so in order to comply to my claim I poured in almost as much cereal as him. Though all I could focus on was the sheer amount of calories I was pouring into that one bowl. I wasn't sure of the exact amount since I had no way of telling that, but I knew that however much it may be was too much.

He seemed satisfied enough and began going about his own business as I added in milk. I grabbed a glass and filled it with orange juice, deciding if I was going to put on an act I might as well go all out for it and then I made my way to our table after he had gotten all of his own things together.

He had only been carrying a bowl, so he used his one free hand to wrap around me once more and I leaned onto him. I was less worried about being seen with his arm around me when we were only in front of our friends, well I wan't really worried at all. They all knew we were together and if anything I was proud to be seen by anyone but the guards with his arm around me. Though I tried to keep my walk as straight as possible, not really in the mood for anyone pointing out my crooked walk since it wouldn't take much thinking to put the pieces together.

I placed my things down on the table after he had removed his arm from around me and I spread the blanket across my lap as I took a seat carefully, wincing slightly as I fully sat on the hard chair. No one seemed to notice, to my relief, and everyone simply greeted me as usual. Sasha seemed particularly happy after seeing my large helping of food, and it probably had everything to do with our talk yesterday. Or maybe it was just because she liked food that much.

I halfheartedly returned the greetings with a faked smile, unable to focus on the task of looking fine as I was near immediately met with the internal battle of eating. I did not want to eat, but I told Levi I would so I had no choice. The way I saw it was I should only eat when I felt particularly weak in the sense that I felt like giving up, and then I would throw it up. But I didn't feel weak at this moment and I felt like I could go much longer without eating and make so much more progress, and even though I wouldn't be keeping it down I still felt as if it would hurt me more than help me.

The entire process of getting it back up was troublesome in itself and was enough to make me not want to eat, because I knew what was to come after I did so. It hurt my throat and left my voice raspy, and I often end up scratching my throat with my nails that I tried to keep short enough to shove down my throat without damage but long enough to hurt myself with if needed. But those two goals didn't work out well together as one would imagine.

Not to mention the taste it left in my mouth and just how gross it was to do in general, but I had to do what I had to do and the simple fact of how disgusting it was wasn't enough to discourage me. There was always juice and water to wash the taste away and I would just have to get over how nasty the process was.

I was all too aware of what I was doing when I began to lift a spoon full of food to my mouth and it felt toxic on my tongue as I struggled to chew it without thinking of the fact that if I left it in my stomach for too long, it would turn to pure fat and ruin all progress I made. But I managed getting one bite down well enough and decided to down another in an attempt to get this over with as quick as possible.

The voice in my head cursed me for this, for eating when I didn't need to. But I knew it was what I had to do to throw Levi off and salvage what little I have left of this secret of mine. But I still felt horribly guilty, so guilty that I wanted to cry. It almost felt as if my body was rejecting the food and I had to struggle to swallow it, but that wasn't the case since as soon as I felt it hit my stomach my body was demanding for more since it was finally getting what I had deprived it of for a while now.

I had to take a break there to mentally prepare myself to down the rest, and there was so much more left. I decided to take a few minutes to listen and maybe partake in some conversation going around the table. Jean was talking to Marco quietly as always, and Marco was alternating between Jean and Sasha, and Hanji was speaking to everyone.

Though she had stopped for a moment, and what had me worried about that was the fact that she grew silent just as her eyes fell on Levi. I knew this wasn't about to be good, and whatever she was about to say was going to spark another argument and I would probably have to calm Levi down. And then she opened her mouth to say something that came to my shock and embarrassment.

"Holy crap Levi whats up with that red mark on your neck?" She questioned in a tone that was far too loud and she leaned forward with her cheeks in her hands, examining the mark.

I began blushing involuntarily, of course, and Levi instantly slapped his hand on his neck to cover the mark. He shot an incriminating look over at me and I pursed my lips shut, trying to will away the blush that definitely gave what it really was away.

"And Eren has one too!" Came Jeans voice and I snapped my head around to glare at him, finding the he was pointing his   
finger at me with a shit eating grin on his face.

I mimicked Levi and covered my neck with my own hand, knitting my eyebrows in frustration. I was so not in any kind of mood for Jeans shit, not that I was ever in the mood for any form of contact with him ever because he has gotten on my nerves since day one.

"Shut the fuck up Jean." I growled, my temper rising with every second I looked at his stupid horse face.

"Looks like someone had fun last night," He teased further, completely ignoring what I had just said. "I feel bad for your neighbors."

I was just about to open my mouth and spew some form of a threat to his life if she didn't shut up or something but before I had a chance to, Levi beat me to it to both my shock and pleasure.

"Jean, seriously just shut the fuck up. Its not like you have any room to take because if you think we don't notice when you come limping in here with bruises on your neck that you try to hide behind a hoodie, you are wrong. We just don't say anything because its sad how hard you try to hide it and we feel bad for Marco. Now shut your mouth because you aren't funny."

Everything fell silent for a few beats, all eyes directed on Levi. Then everyone at once started cracking up, everyone but Jean who looked flustered and frustrated and Marco who was blushing like crazy, and I actually felt bad for him because of Levis little call out. Though it was inevitable to drag poor Marco down with him.

Even I cracked a real smile and laughed lightly, I had never seen Levi stand up to Jean like that and it was honestly really amusing since Jean seemed too intimidated to even think of a come back. But even if he tried, there was no coming back from that.

And it would seem after that the subject of the marks on our neck was dropped and everyone seemed to forget just like that, and I was extremely glad for that. Though what I wasn't glad about was the fact that I was then once again left to the task of eating. The few moments of laughter was over in an instant and I was back in my conflicting thoughts.

I jumped slightly when I felt a hand resting on top of mine in my lap, I hadn't even noticed how hard I had been gripping the fabric of my blanket as I stared down at my food until now. I glanced over and was met with a gentle gaze, the look on Levis face being soft and understanding. He had somehow spotted my struggle and was trying to assure me, and I found myself relaxing slightly when he gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

I sighed lightly and loosened my grip on the blanket giving a little nod to show that I was fine now and brought my attention back to the food in front of me. His hand left mine after giving one more little squeeze and then I had to do it. I forced myself to bring the spoon to my lips and eat it, as much as I really didn't want to.

I wasn't spoken to much for the time it took me to get down the most that I could handle, and one glance over to Levis expression told me that he was at peace with what I managed to eat. But I was anything but at peace with it, I hated myself for allowing that much food into my body at once and all I wanted to do was get it out.

But I couldn't just yet, if I got right up after I ate and ran off to the bathroom I could risk giving myself up not not only Levi but Sasha and whoever else my catch on. But it wasn't like I had that much time to spare, and that was worrying me. I had no way of knowing exactly how much time we had left in here but I knew it couldn't be that much time, and the thought of running out of time and having to keep that food down scared the hell out of me.

I tried to talk to everyone, excluding Jean of course, as normally as I could to throw any suspicion. I added in a few fake smiles and forced laughs before standing up and excusing myself to the bathroom as casually as I could, and it took all I had in me not to run for the bathroom. I had to keep a steady pace as I walked, my pace being slowed more than usual due to the pain that was slightly dulled but still there.

I dropped to my knees by the toilet immediately after I closed myself being the bathroom door and locked it for good measure. I tried not to make too much noise in fear of someone hearing, though that was sort of impossible since it was far too loud out there for anyone to hear beyond this door, but I was still paranoid of being found out.

My throat was left raw and slightly sore by the time I finished getting up absolutely everything I could, pushing myself to the point that the only thing coming up was stomach acid that did nothing good for my newly sore throat. I slumped back against the wall behind my and closed my eyes, attempting to catch my breath while ignoring the mess on my fingers and around my mouth.

Though it was getting too gross to bear and time wasn't something I had an abundance of, so I pushed myself to my feet and stumbled over to the sink that sat a few feet away and began washing my hands and face. My knuckles were left red as always, the teeth marks being too visible and I knew I would have to try my hardest to hide the marks until they decided to fade.  
I coughed a few times to clear my throat and winced at the pain in my throat along with the bitter taste left on my tongue from stomach acid. Maybe I should have forced myself as far as I did, but of well I would be better off in the end. I brought the neck of my shirt up to wipe the tears out of my eyes and off of my face, also removing the water that lingered around my mouth.  
I was sure to flush the toilet more than once so that everything was gone and there were no traces of what I had done. I was slightly worried that breakfast would be over by the time I left, but to my relief it would seem that I didn't take too long at all and everyone remained in their seats once I stepped out of the bathroom after composing myself and clearing my throat once more.

I took my seat next to Levi as casually as possible and reached out to wrap my fingers around my glass of juice taking a few small sips to wash that wretched taste out of my mouth. No one paid me any mind, which was good since that was conformation that I had pulled this off successfully once more and no one suspected a thing. I glanced over at Levi to make sure he hadn't caught on to anything, and it would seem he wouldn't. He was simply running his finger around the rim of his bowl, looking bored and unaware of what I had done. I mentally sighed in relief.

Not much was said after that point, mostly because there wasn't much time left to talk. It was a few minutes after I sat down that I had to get back up as the end of breakfast was announced and I had to stand and begin the walk to the rec room down the hall. By that time I was actually able to walk relatively straight on my own, though that didn't stop Levi from wrapping his arm around me once more since there was now a valid excuse to do so and I didn't really mind that at all. I gladly leaned onto him.

I was in a weird mood that evening, I wasn't exactly upset or sad but I also definitely wasn't happy. I didn't like it, I just wanted to talk to Levi at that moment in hopes of feeling a little better and taking my mind off things. I didn't know if this numb sort of feeling was going to lead to a down spiral in my emotions but I didn't want to take the chance, I wanted to talk as we took our seats on the couch but I didn't know what to say.

"I'm proud of you, y'know?" I was relieved when he finally spoke, though it wasn't really something I wanted to hear. "I know it was hard for you, but if you keep this up you can get better."

I refrained from saying some stupid shit about how I don't want to get better, since that would only blow my cover, so I settled for a simple nod. His ignorance towards this was almost baffling, especially since this was Levi I was dealing with and he has proven much harder to fool than everyone else, but here I was pulling it off flawlessly.

"It'll be okay, this will do you good in the end." He spoke after I remained silent for a while, and I knew he was talking about me eating since that's what he believed I did, but I took his words differently. Even though he didn't intend for me to take it the way and had no idea of how I was taking it, I did. I took it as inspiration because not eating will be better for me in the end.

"I know." I said without looking over at him, the odd mood still lingering though I wasn't really making much of an effort to get rid of it even though I wanted to.

Then the next second, I felt his arms wrapping around me from the side and his forehead resting on my shoulder. I responded simply by bringing my arms up to rest my hands on the arm that was wrapped around my chest.

I let him stay like that, taking the time to think up something to talk about since I had no desire to let myself fall into depression right now. I knew it was something to inevitably happen eventually but I wanted to try my best to prevent it. These bouts seem to come out of no where and I hated it, if I can do something to prevent them I will and i'm sure Levi will willingly partake in whatever conversation I come up with to keep my mind out of the darkness.

The very first thing I thought of was talking about him, I wanted to know some more about him even if they weren't good things. Which they probably wouldn't be since we had covered most of the simple lighthearted things like favorite bands and movies, and all that was left to tell was deeper more personal things. Still, I wanted to know everything about him since the way it was looking we could potentially be together forever and I wanted to get to know him through and through, everything good and bad.

But with asking about his life came him asking about mine, or at least I assumed because it seemed to be a very realistic   
occurrence if I ask him. I didn't really want to talk about my past but I suppose its only fair since he knows just as much about my life as I know about his, and that wasn't much. Really the only things we knew about each others pasts are brief summary's on why we're here. I wanted to change that, even if its hard to talk about. Plus I knew he wouldn't push me to talk about anything I wasn't ready to and I would do the same for him.

I began to move to switch our position, removing his arms from around me and turning to face him, sitting with my legs crossed on the couch. He looked at me questioningly before I spoke.

"Levi, would you tell me more about you?" I got straight to the point, the faster I could put my mind on something other than darkness the better.

He was silent for a beat before he too moved to face me, mirroring the way I was sitting so that we were facing each other comfortably, and if he accepts my request I knew we would be sitting here for quite a while.

"Are you going to tell me more about you too?" Came the question I knew was coming, and I swallowed any protest and nodded.

"I guess, I'll try." I agreed with what I hoped to be little hesitation.

"Then I can try too, what do you want to know?" He rested his elbow on the back of the couch and leaned his cheek against his palm, his eyes locked on mine.

I thought for a few moments, I hadn't really thought of what I wanted to know before hand, I guess I just wanted to know everything but I had to think of something to start off with. It then occurred to me what he mentioned in an off hand comment a while back, that he could speak French. That was something to go off of, since it was lighthearted and i'd rather not start off this conversation by asking something really deep and personal.

"How did you learn to speak French?" I asked and watched as his face contorted slightly in what I assumed to be surprise.

"I'm surprised you remembered that." I caught the small smile that took over his lips before it was gone the next second as he continued. "My mom started teaching me when I was like 5. English wasn't my parents first language but they taught me that first since it would be more useful, but then she started teaching me French since it was mostly what we spoke around the house."

"So you can speak it as well as you speak English?" I questioned, slightly amazed that he could speak both languages fluidly  
while I only knew how to speak English.

"Mhm," He hummed with a nod. "If not better, my parents rarely ever spoke English around me other than when I was little and I was learning it. But other than that I only spoke English in school and shit so i'm probably more fluid in french."

"That's so cool." I mused in slight awe, he nodded before speaking once more.

"Also, Levi isn't my birth name, its just a lot easier to pronounce than my real name." He paused for a moment. "My birth name is Rivaille, but I never really learned to go by it since my parents only ever called me it when I was in trouble or something."

I was actually shocked by the new piece of information, I knew that he was french but I had no idea that he had a different French name. Though I could see why his parents made him go by something different, it did seem pretty hard to pronounce unless french was your native tongue. But it was such a pretty name.

"Ri.. vaille?" I attempted repeating the name out loud, finding that it was sort of hard to pronounce though he did it effortlessly.

"Just because I told you doesn't mean you can start calling me that because I actually really don't like that name. I prefer Levi   
since its what I've gone by pretty much forever." He said sternly though there wasn't really a real edge of threat in his tone.

I nodded, respecting that he didn't want to be called by that name all though I didn't understand. It was so pretty even while it was hard to pronounce.

"Why don't you like it?" I questioned with actual curiosity.

"I dunno," He shrugged. "I guess because it reminds me of my parents. Yeah that probably has something to do with it, I've never really given that much thought but yeah that's probably it."

I had to hold back from asking about his parents, since it seemed to be something he was uneasy with talking about. All I've gathered was that he relied on them and they shunned him for being gay, and that's really all he's told me about them.

"My parents were German, and my last name is German but I still can't speak it." I flipped the topic slightly so that he wouldn't have to say more than he wanted to.

"Jaeger is German? I guess it does sound foreign, do you know what it means?" He seemed ever so slightly relieved with the shift in conversation.

"I have no idea what it means," I shook my head. "But I really wish my parents had taught me how to speak German, I know they spoke it but with the way everything was they didn't have time to teach me I guess." I said with a shrug.

Now that we had both mentioned our parents, I somehow knew that things were going to start to get a bit deeper. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk, but maybe it would help. Especially if I was talking about this with him, if I had to tell anyone everything about me I was glad it was him since I really wanted him to know me, it was just hard to talk about.

"Can I ask about your parents?"

I stiffened up slightly, suddenly remembering everything that happened that night. The blood, my moms screams, my fathers dead eyes. I gritted my teeth and swallowed hard, choosing to stay silent until I could properly compose myself once more. I took a few deep breaths and willed my body to relax, though that wasn't working to well.

"What do you want to know?" I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I didn't want to talk about it but I didn't want to reject him since I would have to talk about it sooner or later, and maybe it would do good after I kept it bottled up inside for so long.

"Well.. what was your mom like? You've never really told me anything about her." I could tell he was trying to keep the   
conversation as lighthearted as possible, though it wasn't going to stay like that very long and I knew it.

"She was nice, a good mother for the most part I guess. She just wasn't around a lot but that wasn't her fault. Basically my dad wasn't around for a while during my childhood so she had to take on two jobs to support me and my sister." I paused for a few moments, looking down and deciding if I should go into the topic of my dad. Which I decided to just get it over with since that's where it would all lead anyways.

"My dad started hanging around a lot more later in life, but I wish he wouldn't have. He would beat me and my mom so much nearly every time he saw us. My sister is two years younger than me, so I brought it upon myself to keep her safe from him so that she didn't get hurt by him nearly as much but instead I got the worst end of it."

"I guess that fucked me up pretty bad too, my dad always telling me how worthless I am probably was the source of my self hate. He'd always come home drunk and beat me and insult me, but I got use to it over time. Yeah I guess that pretty much it for that." That wasn't really it, there was probably a lot that I missed but hopefully I summed it up fairly well in that amount of time because I don't think I could talk about it anymore without breaking.

I reached up to wipe away a tear that began to roll down my face before I could even notice it was there. I mentally cursed myself for getting emotional over this so easily, though it was stupid to think I could maintain perfect composure through this conversation.

I then felt my hand being brought from my face and he intertwined our fingers, resting our hands between us before doing the same with my other hand.

"That is fucking horrible, you shouldn't have had to get use to that kind of shit. You deserve so much better, but hey its in the past right? But the fact that your brave enough to tell me this, its amazing. And I feel a lot closer to you now, Eren." He brushed his thumb across the back of my hand as he spoke softly.

The word 'brave' stuck more than the rest, I have never considered myself as brave although what I've done for Mikasa and sometimes mom would probably be considered brave by most. Hearing such kind words coming from him made my heart swell slightly, and I was suddenly hit with the thought of how much I didn't deserve such kindness and I found myself questioning how the hell I managed to end up with someone so perfect.

"Thank you Levi.." I finally spoke in a bit of a hushed tone that I hadn't fully intended, I wasn't sure exactly what I was thanking him for though. Everything, I guess. I just felt the need to thank him.

"You don't have to thank me." He offered a little smile. "Since you were strong enough to open up about your past, I suppose that means I should too right?"

Even as much as I wanted to hear everything about him, I caught the hesitation in his tone that was impossible to. I didn't want to make him talk about anything he wasn't ready to talk about, so I gave his hands a light squeeze that he returned.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." I said, letting it be known that choosing not to was an option that I didn't mind.

"No its fine, its been years now and I need to talk about it eventually." He looked down at our hands as he spoke and I allowed him to take a few moments to gather himself and breathe.

I lifted his hand up and pressed my lips to the back of his hand in an attempt to calm his nerves a bit, I could feel a few small thin lines of raised white shin beneath my lips as I lay the soft kiss there. I could only hope it calmed him down at least a little, and I assumed that it did judging my the way his shoulders untensed a bit.

"I told you about how they fucking disowned be for being gay right? Well that was really the only thing that went wrong with them. I don't understand how they just cut me off so easy, but after I told them that they just pretended that I didn't exist and that on top of all the bullying was just too much for me to handle I guess. I mean I knew they would probably react bad at first when I came out but I didn't expect them to cut me off completely." He sighed before continuing.

"They were always my best friends, I could tell them anything and they wouldn't judge me, or that's what I thought. I loved my parents so much but apparently they didn't love me as much as I thought they did. As you can imagine, losing my parents love after depending on it my entire life fucked me up pretty bad and pushed me a lot.." He fell silent for a while, and I let him compose himself a bit before continuing on to say whatever he had to say.

"I was going to kill myself, I had my note written out and everything. I even gave a lot of thought on how I was going to do it, I planned to just slit my throat with a kitchen knife so no one could save me even if they wanted to, not that anyone would want to. But before I had a chance to do that, I just snapped and went out to kill those boys. But the thing is, I was going to kill myself the very day after I snapped. If only I had managed to go one more day, I would have been dead. And more often than not, I wish I was."

I was shocked to hear him talking like that since he was never one to show his emotions, but it reminded me how broken he was and probably still is. This was most likely the first time he talked about any of this at all to anyone after he had kept it pent up inside to eat his mind away. It hurt, and I knew it was hurting him more. I wanted so badly to take the pain away but I didn't know how.

"Don't talk like that Levi, don't you dare. If you waited another day and just fucking died then I could never meet you." I freed one of my hands to instead grip his chin lightly and bring his head up to face me, and the amount of sheer pain his eyes held sent a pang of pain through my heart.

"Sometimes I think it would have been better that way." He stated, and that hurt more than anything he's said so far.

"You always tell me how much I mean to you, so now its my turn. Don't you fucking dare think for a second that I would be better off without you, because i'm sure that if you weren't here when I got locked up I would have found a way to kill myself too. You are literally my world and your really scaring me right now." I said honestly, because he really was scaring me. It was scary to think that he felt about himself the same way I felt about myself, but he just kept all his self hate inside and never had emotional outbursts like have a lot lately.

"No, forget I said that actually. Don't concern yourself over me, i'll be fine okay?" He blinked and then suddenly all emotion was gone from his eyes, his face an impassive mask that showed none of the pain I knew he was feeling.

I knew what he was doing all too well, he was shutting down and I wouldn't let it happen. He's trying to make himself seem perfectly okay even though I saw with my very own eyes how much he's hurting. It was something I did a lot to him, and now I knew how much it hurt to be on the other end.

"No I want you to promise me that your going to talk to me more if your upset. I don't know why it's taken me this long to see that you have just as many problems as I do, i'm sorry for not noticing before. Just please if you feel upset, talk to me or something because I can't stand the thought of you hating yourself." I rushed to find the right words, and I wasn't sure if the sentence I had managed to pull together was comforting or even convincing enough for him to agree. but I hoped it was  
.  
"But you don't talk to me when your upset." He countered, he was being suborn and I recognized this behavior too well.

"Okay well i'll start as long as you do." That was sort of a lie, I most likely wouldn't do that but as long as he was coming to me with his problems and letting me help him everything would be okay.

He seemed to give it thought for a while, and I patently awaited his answer. When he nodded, I felt my heart jump with relief and my body relaxed slightly from its tense state I hadn't noticed it adopting. And the very next instant, I felt his arm wrapping around me tightly and he practically leaped forward in my lap. I leaned forward a bit to take some of the strain off of his position and wrapped my arms around him without question, because I knew we both needed this hug after talking about such difficult things.

Though what had me concerned was when I felt his shoulders shaking slightly in my arms and his breathing grow uneven. Almost as if he was crying. That worried me, Levi never cried even though he had so many reasons to. Still, it was odd and definitely concerning. 

"Levi are you-"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Do not say another word and don't finish that sentence." I could tell how hard he was struggling to keep his voice hard and steady, but he was failing as it cracked more than once.

I decided to leave it at that since I had pretty much just got the answer to my question. He had a perfectly valid reason to cry and I wasn't about to question him, it would be weird if he didn't cry after opening up about something he kept inside for three whole years. So I tightened my arms around him and kept my mouth shut.

I got a final conformation that he was crying when he turned his head to hide it in the crook of my shoulder, and I felt the warmth of his tears seeping through my shirt, his shoulders shaking a bit more as he forced back audible sobs. I rubbed small circles on his back in means of comfort, allowing him to get all the tears out and I knew there would be a lot since he rarely ever cried and he had a lot to cry for.

Though he didn't allow himself the tears for nearly as long as I had thought, and he pulled away a lot earlier than I expected. He was visibly forcing the tears back, I could tell by the way his shoulders shook with every sob he held in and he pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes for quite a few moments before wiping the remaining tears from his eyes.

"I'm fine now, I swear." He spoke after I had given him a look of pity and pain at seeing him like this, and I knew he was not fine. His voice shook despite his efforts to keep it strong and his eyes were slowly filling back up with tears. "Its just that I never thought anyone would ever..."

His voice gave out and his efforts to compose himself finally broke, the tears beginning to quickly fall down his face once more as he choked back a sob. He closed his eyes tightly and gritted his teeth, still trying to hold everything inside even though he was past the breaking point, and it pained me to watch.

I couldn't watch him fall apart, it hurt too much. So I wrapped my arms around him once more and pulled him against my chest. He didn't fight against me, he simply let himself be pulled and as soon as my arms were around him I felt his being thrown around me tightly, his tears seeping through the front of my shirt.

He fisted his fingers in the back of my shirt, his sobs shaking his whole body. I could tell he was still trying his very hardest not to make a sound but he was slowly beginning to fail at that too. 

"Its okay to cry, you deserve to get it all out.." I assured is a soft tone, finishing with placing a gentle kiss on top of his head.

"But there's people.. I don't want to.. not here.." His breathing was so uneven and he was struggling to keep his voice understandable through his sobs.

"Its okay, no one is looking over here. Even if they were they probably couldn't tell anyways." I said, and he didn't reply after that. Not that I was expecting one, since I knew it was hard for him to form words at the moment.

I simply let him cry it all out, alternating between rubbing his back and stroking his hair. He stopped fighting it after that point, letting himself break down and cry until there were no tears left. I wasn't sure how long we sat there, but it felt like an hour before he pulled away after he had seemingly cried himself dry.

"Now i'm fine, I promise this time." He wiped his face with his sleeve a few times before wiping any remaining tears from his eyes.

His face was slightly red now as were his eyes from crying so much. I was both sad and glad that he got all that out, sad because I was the one to ignite this conversation that lead to him crying but glad because it was better that he cried it out in the end because it was so unhealthy to keep all that inside.

"What I was saying before... I never thought anyone would ever care enough to try to help me, and the fact that you actually give a shit just got me emotional." His voice seemed to be back to normal, although I could still tell that he had been crying.

"Of course I give a shit, you know I do. I care about you more than anything and I don't want you to think about yourself so lowly." I said, brushing some hair from his face.

"Its nice that you care but sadly I don't think my image of myself is going to change. But it means so much that you care." He laughed bitterly before quickly speaking again before I could even throw in a protest. "I'm really tired."

I wanted to call him on the subject change, but decided it would probably be best to let it drop there. Instead I just switched my position so that I was sitting properly on the couch and patted my shoulder. He took the hint and moved to cuddle up to my side, laying his head on my chest and wrapping his arms around my torso.

"Sleep for as long as you need, I know that was hard for you." I whispered softly to him, and I felt him nod.

I positioned my blanket long ways so that it could wrap around both of us fully, and I felt him relax against me at the sudden warmth. I wasn't sure if he actually intended on going to sleep or if he had used that as a way to get out of talking anymore about his feelings, although he did say he didn't get much rest last night so I didn't doubt that he was telling the truth too much.

But the next time I looked down at him, I knew he was telling the truth because it would seem he had already fallen asleep on me. I could tell he wasn't faking it because every time he fell asleep, a peaceful look took over his normally hard and cold expression. the softened look was there now, and I couldn't help but admire his beauty.

I didn't blame him for being tired, after expressing so much emotion and not getting much sleep on top of that it was understandable. I took the time as he slumbered to think about everything he told me about himself. His life really was so rough from what I gathered, he didn't talk about much and I knew that there was probably much more to his past but he had told me enough for the time being. It was obviously hard for him to talk about, just like I had a hard time talking about my life.

I felt so bad for him, he had gone through so much and somehow he was still here, living and breathing, I admired his strength to push through life without doing something stupid, like he had planned to do. And then I was suddenly hit by the realization of how easily I could have lost him, or rather never had him. If he had went one more day, he'd be gone forever and I would have never met him. That was so scary to think about, because if I was put in here without him I don't know how i'd make it.

Sure I had a few other friends here, if I could really call them that since Sasha was the only one I was close to. But I couldn't imagine life without Levi, from day one I felt the desire to know him and at the time I wasn't sure why I was so determined to befriend him, but I think something in me knew that he was the one I would fall in love with. I was never one to believe in things like destiny or fate, but it was hard not to let it cross my mind as a possibility. It had to be fate that we met.

I gazed down at his peaceful sleeping face, expression ridden of any troubles and left completely serine. I brushed my fingers over his pale and perfect skin, tucking a few strands of raven hair behind his ear to better see his beautiful face. I was just beginning to grasp that this individual in my arms has seen a lot of shit, he's been through just as much as me, if not more and even though I always knew he was broken, it was always hard to look at him as a broken person that hates himself as much as I hate myself.

I just wanted to take all the demons out of his mind and make everything okay for him, but it seemed so unrealistic. It was hard to imagine myself ever getting over the depression and urge to harm myself, and it couldn't be any easier for him. And that hurt. It also hurt that I knew he still hurts himself, I saw the raw patches of skin on various locations of his arms last night and I wasn't sure if he saw the similar ones marring my arms.

I wanted to bring it up and tell him not stop because it hurt to know that he still did that, but then again I did the same thing and I understood why he needed it so as much as it bothered me I decided to leave it be for at least time time being and not say a thing. I wanted everything to somehow get better but I wasn't sure if things ever would, given our living conditions and not being provided any means of help like therapy it seemed unrealistic that we would ever get better unless we did on our own, and that especially seemed far fetched.

I sighed lightly and forced all thoese thoughts aside, they were starting to become negative and I knew where it was leading. It was giving me a head ache, so instead of dwelling on the negative reality I decided to focus on the positive. Levi was still alive and in my arms, where he would stay because he loves me and I love him.

Thinking back to when he told me that last night, it was enough to ever so slightly lift my mood. When I had met him I don't think I consciously ever expected to end up like this with him, but now that we were in the place we were in our relationship I was actually really happy, when my mind took a break and allowed me to be at least.

I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead as I occupied myself with all the positive thoughts about us, how amazing it was to be held by him and how lucky I was that I decided to persist and get him to open up to me. These thoughts were able to slowly lift my mood until I was pretty much out of that darker state of mind that was threatening to take over earlier, and I was sort of proud of myself for being able to avoid the bout of sadness that nearly ruined my day.

He slept for quite a while, and I let him sleep until either he woke up or we had to leave. Though he did wake up himself not too long before we had to leave, so it worked out I suppose. It was still visible in his eyes that he had been crying, or maybe i'm the only one who can tell unless someone else cared to give that much inspection. I doubted that would happen, and even if someone noticed I don't think they'd point it out. Even Hanji wouldn't dare to bring it up if she noticed.

He sat up on his own and yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and blinking a few times.

"Fuck, my neck hurts." He groaned, massaging his apparently sore neck with one hand and leaning his head back a bit.

"Probably from the way you slept." I said simply, pulling the rest of my blanket that I had previously shared into my lap. Sharing it had left me a bit cold, though his body heat was enough to keep me fairly warm up until now that its gone, I was beginning to feel really cold again.

"Yeah, probably.." His voice sounded different, as if he was hesitating with something. I was about to question him on it until he opened his mouth again to speak the answer to my unspoken question. "I'm sorry for not telling you that much and then breaking down like that, I didn't mean to let it get to me that much."

He wasn't looking directly at me, and his expression looked like one of true regret. He was actually apologizing for showing his emotions, and that broke my heart. He should never have to apologize for that.

"Don't apologize, its okay to get emotional sometimes. Its a lot better than holding it inside. And you don't have to tell me anymore than you can handle, its okay." I assured in a gentle tone, placing a hand on his shoulder and leaning forward to kiss his cheek lightly.

I could have sworn I saw a faint pink dust blossoming across his cheeks for a moment, but then it was gone as if it was never there, and maybe it wasn't. I couldn't be sure.

"I just don't want you to think that i'm not telling you more because I don't want to, I mean I want to but its just really hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be." He said and leaned onto me a bit, his body heat suddenly against me felt like a blessing.

"I understand, really its okay. Its your first time talking about all this in like three years right?" He nodded, and I continued. "It   
had to be rough holding all that in for so long, I wouldn't expect it to be easy to talk about. Hell I was even having a hard time talking and its only been months since I got here."

He sighed lightly. "Emotions make me feel weak." He scoffed and I mentally sighed.

"Emotions don't make you weak, Levi. And you are not weak, after all the shit you've been through I can honestly say that your the strongest person I've ever met and shedding a tear doesn't make you any less strong."

The doors on the other end of the room were flung open and as usual he instantly tore himself away from me just as we learned to do upon hearing those heavy doors fly open. I felt my gut twist uncomfortably, couldn't this have waited until I was done talking to Levi? Of course not.

With a sigh, I stood up along with Levi who had stood up at some point during my short frustrated thought process. I hugged the blanket around my body and began walking with him, finding it a bit hard to walk straight with that dizziness taking me over temporarily. The pain in my backside was left a dull ache at this point, but now I was graced with the pleasure of having fucking hunger pains. Of all times for those to come on, I felt them coming at that very moment.

I was slightly worried for how I was going to hold up around food, I was really hungry and I knew I should eat since if I chose or rather managed not to, I would be going on three days tomorrow and that didn't sound too good for my health. Not that I was really personally concerned for that, but I still wanted to hold my vow to myself to keep myself relatively healthy for Levis sake. But that was becoming an unrealistic goal that was easier said than done.

It felt even colder in the dining room, cold to the point that it was almost hard to keep my teeth from chattering. As always. I knew Levi was staring me down while I put the food on my plate though I didn't get all that much. I got as little as I could get away with and Levi didn't seem to mind too much, the only way I knew it bothered him a bit was when I caught the slightly concerned look he gave me out of the corner of my eye.

I assumed that he wasn't saying anything because he thought I was actually going to eat it all or at least try. That's what I wanted him to think, after pretending that I was trying to eat fairly well earlier it was to be expected that he would think i'm trying to get better. But if I don't eat much if at all this time its back to square one and hes going to confront me again.

I didn't want to purge tonight either, since I already did it this morning and it was a really uncomfortable process. I hated how gross it was and I hated the pain that followed afterwards. Speaking of which, it was still rough to swallow because of my earlier activities.

I didn't know what to do or how to hide it anymore now that he knows what i'm doing, and that was scaring me. I could potentially be putting our relationship at risk if I kept telling him I was going to try and eat and then not but the same goes if I tell him straight up that i'm not going to. Yet I still refuse to stop. This situation was getting really dangerous and overwhelming.

But I still decided to try my luck tonight and not eat much. I came to the decision to at least eat one fourth of what I had gotten, which was about half of what Levi served himself since he ate like a normal person. Maybe if I hope and pray hard enough, he wont notice how little I ate. Maybe, but probably not.

I draped the blanket over my lap after placing my plate on the table and sitting down, following up every normal greeting with one of my own. I then fell silent as everyone else went about they're business, eating and talking among themselves. I stared down at my plate, feeling conflicted. I knew I had to eat but that voice in my head was still telling me not to.

It screamed at me that all eating would do is make me fatter and ruin everything, but if I didn't eat at all Levi would be really upset. Maybe it would be okay if I ate all of it, because Levi thought that I looked fine the way I was right? And it couldn't do too much to ruin my progress anyway right? But that's bullshit and I know it, or at least the voice is forcing me to know it. I resisted the urge to fist my fingers in my hair and scream.

I tried not to let my hand shake as I reached forward for the fork that rested its handle on the rim of my plate and I tried to keep any expression that could show my inner conflict off of my face. Though I couldn't help but hesitate as I brought the fork to my lips, almost as if my mind was halting my body from moving. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a quiet breath before forcing myself to eat it.

It was hard to chew and I felt more and more guilty with every chew, my body was begging for me to swallow despite how much I didn't want to, but I eventually had to. But the small amount didn't satisfy my disgusting stomach, it made me feel more hungry if anything and I couldn't help myself from getting more.

It wasn't nearly as hard to chew the next bite since I was now getting the urge to eat and beginning to quit denying it, though that didn't stop the feeling of guilt that was beginning to rise within me. I felt like crying with every bite, I felt like crying because I was ruining everything now. I was eating too much and I just wanted to find it in me to stop.

Then came the voice once again.

'If you take one more bite, you'll get even fatter. You've already given yourself enough to live off of and its unnecessary to eat anymore, although you shouldn't have eaten in the first place. But your health is what your worried about after all right? Because Levi 'cares' about you and wants you to be okay. You think he really thinks your beautiful like this? You are disgusting. He's lying to make you feel better, He thinks your ugly, not good enough. Put down the fork Eren, or you'll never be good enough'

I froze with the fork half to my mouth as the voice spoke loudly in my head, and it was right. I had to stop, how could I just forget about how gross and fat I was? I almost fucked everything up. I glanced down at my plate as I put the fork down like the voice instructed me, and took notice that I had eaten nearly half of that filled the plate.

I was suddenly absolutely disgusted with myself, even though I had managed to stop myself, with the help of my inner demon, I still felt horrible. Mentally that is, my body was still screaming for more food but my mind told me I had far more than enough. I of course followed what my mind said and at that moment I refused to eat another bite for that night.

I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled quietly, sitting back in my chair and waited for an opportunity to jump into whatever conversations were going about. I soon found my chance and began halfheartedly associating with Sasha and Hanji about various pointless things, poking around my food with my fork every few minutes, sort of as a trick to the eyes to make it seem like i'm eating although i'm not. I learned that somehow that trick works really well.

However I did know that Levi had took notice to how I had stopped eating by now, but he hasn't said anything to me yet. Or rather jabbed me in the side and glared at me in a way that demanded I begin eating again. Maybe I would be getting off the hook tonight, since I did eat a little bit after all and maybe that was enough to convince him that i'm trying because as far as he knew, I've eaten at both meals.

I was so glad when the end to dinner finally came and we were all free to wander back to our rooms, I was actually really tired and cold and all I wanted to do at the time was curl up under the covers with Levi and go to sleep. All I could do was hope that he didn't have something to say about how poorly I ate tonight, because at least I ate at all and kept it down so he should be thankful for that if he cares as much as he says he does.

I was blessed with silence for the whole time that we walked down the hall to our room that continued even as we stepped inside and he closed it behind us. I would never get use to the sound of several locks assembling tight into place that came a few moments after he shut the door. So far so good, he was still silent as we both changed into different clothes. But it didn't last much longer.

"I'm proud of you for trying tonight, Eren." I cringed slightly as I pulled on a dark grey hoodie.

Of all things, he says that. I suppose it was better than him figuring out my game but his sheer ignorance towards my situation actually hurt. He really thought I was trying and that made me feel slightly guilty once I realized how much he cared about me once more. I was doubting it for a while at dinner, because the voice made me unsure like it always does. But I was quickly reminded that he really does care even though he shouldn't. He cared enough to put too much trust in me, enough to rely on me to actually help myself and believe that somewhere inside I wanted to. But in reality I didn't.

"Yeah." Was the only reply my brain could formulate as I slipped into some sweat pants and pushed in the drawer.

"No really," He said, and I caught him approaching me from the corner of my eye, and then his arms were around me. "I really am."

I sighed lightly and turned in the embrace so that it was a proper hug and wrapped my arms around him, because lord knows I needed a fucking hug.

"Eating makes me feel disgusting." I said what I thought out loud, because why the fuck not. I had to say it because it was the truth of what I was feeling and I suddenly felt the need to voice it.

I felt his arms tighten around me and he leaned up on his lippy toes to place a sweet kiss on my lips, and I couldn't help but notice how fucking cute it was that he had to stand on his toes to reach my lips. The thought along with the action was enough to give me a short moment of happiness, or something close to happiness anyways.

I kissed him back and leaned down slightly so that he could stand flat on his feet once more and pulled him closer. His hands came up to run through my hair and rest on either sides on my head, and for a moment my mind went blank and all I could think of was the man kissing me.

But of course as soon as he pulled away it was back to reality and I felt saddened once more, although his kiss had done the trick of distracting me for the few heavenly seconds that it lasted.

"I love you the way you are."

My heart skipped in my chest and the aches of hunger in my stomach were momentarily replaced by a fluttery feeling. I don't think I would ever get use to hearing him say that, or anyone for that matter. I suppose its because I never heard it much and found it hard to believe that anyone could love me in any possible sense.

I had the feeling that he was saying it to let me know rather than to hear it said back, but I still felt the need to say it back to him. Because after what happened with him today I would say that he needed to hear it just as much as I needed to, he probably needed the assurance as much as I did and I wanted to provide that. Because in the end we were both broken to the point of not wanting to or being able to believe it when such things are told to us and we both need constant reassurance.

"I love you too Levi, everything about you." I replied, and I was able to catch a quick look of shock in his eyes before in diapered like it was never there.

"Stop that your gonna make me get emotional again." He said in a teasing tone, turning away and grabbing my hand as he strode to our bed.

"Its the truth, I really do." I said as he pulled the cover back and crawled in, and I followed.

"You'd be the first." He mumbled in a quiet tone and I wasn't sure if he meant to say it out loud or not, but the fact that he did sent a pang of hurt through my heart. "Cut it out with the emotional junk and lets go to bed."

"You stared it." I pointed out as I settled myself on the mattress and he pulled the cover up over us.

"Yeah but I was trying to let you know how much I care but you had to go and say things too. Now shh, sleep."

"No wait so you can tell me things like that but I can't tell you?"

"Precisely." He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. 

"That's not fair though." I tilted my head up and rested my chin on his chest, looking up at him.

"Sleep." He replied simply and I sighed.

I can understand where he was coming from, I knew it was hard to accept it when people care about you after going through life without no one giving a shit and I would imagine it was even harder for him to accept someone truly caring for him given what hes been through. So I decided to leave it be at that, though I wasn't going to stop telling him how much I care about him whenever I see the chance until he believes it fully.

I wiggled up in the embrace to plant a quick kiss on his lips before pulling him against my chest. He stiffened up for a few moments, probably not expecting the sudden action. He was always the one to hold me at night, but I really wanted to hold him tonight. I felt him relaxing in my arms, his head nuzzling against my chest and his arms wrapping around my torso once more.  
I placed a string of gentle kissed atop his head and held him a little tighter, and he didn't protest at all. I could hear and feel the warmth of him sighing in content as I began running my fingers through his soft raven hair, playing with the fine strands between my fingers before running them through his locks once more.

Neither of us spoke a word, the silence was too comfortable for either of us to break. I wanted to wait until I knew he was asleep before I seized my stroking his hair, and I believe I succeeded in that since the next time I looked down and caught a glimpse of his face in the dim light, he seemed at peace. His lips were parted slightly as he breathes steady breaths that I could feel the warmth of against my chest.

I reached back slowly as not to wake him and felt around for a few moments before my fingers found the switch for the bedside lamp. I turned it off and returned my arm back to wrap around him. I sighed lightly in comfort and closed my eyes, the weight of his arms around me and the warmth of him pressed against my chest was the most relaxing thing ever at that moment, and I instantly began falling asleep.

In what seemed to be no time at all, his slow and steady breaths managed to lull me into a peaceful slumber, the last thing crossing my mind being the man in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes the 'I love you's' are strong in this one, but I feel that they need to hear that a lot given what they've been through so yeah. Really, my only point for writing this is because I wanted to avoid a time skip since i'm going to be doing a few as we get closer to the end of this! The next chapter is gonna have a short time skip, but its still a time skip and I feel like they bother people >.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look guys another filler(ish) chapter! Not really, I guess since some things do happen but the first bit of it really isn't important. I just wanna do a few more lighthearted ones (and this is as lighthearted as its getting with this fic) because shit goes down in chapter 15. Or I plan at least. Also beware of the little smut scene at the end, I had to get it out of my system since after this there won't be anymore for quite a while. Sorry not sorry. But yeah just warning you about that.  
> AND trigger warning for eating disorders, again you should know the drill. For anyone that could be reading this who is considering taking such paths to get thin, I hope the crap Eren experiences in this chapter discourages you from that because the side effects of Anorexia/Bulimia are no fucking joke. I didn't exaggerate them one bit. So I hope to maybe show someone considering it that its not the path to take. Believe me when I say, its not a fun time. Look at our poor Eren.  
> AAH I have a problem with making long ass notes, my bad. Let me stop typing now and let you get on with reading.  
> Enjoy~

I assumed it was the end of the year now, which came only maybe a few weeks after the day Levi told me about his parents. They only way I knew that it had to be December was judging by the Christmas tree that the staff had set up in the middle of the rec room, though it didn't look very festive without any lights or decorations at all aside from the star that sat on the very top.  
The only thing really festive I managed to spot was the Santa shaped cookies they sometimes served at dinner that I couldn't help but glower at every time I saw them. At some point Levi had tried to make me eat one, but of course I refused to let that anywhere near my mouth. 

Levi hadn't given me much trouble with my eating habits since that day, save for a few times that he called me on it when I didn't eat a single thing for the day. But other than that he seemed to believe that I was eating somewhat well, although in truth I just began throwing up a lot more and that was beginning to take a tole on my throat.

I had noticed a change in my weight, appearance wise anyways. I never really payed much attention until Levi made that comment about my ribs becoming viable. When I noticed that he was right, I felt a sort of empowerment as sick as it was. What I was doing was working and I could visibly see that now. Though I wasn't drastically thin, but I wouldn't mind if I was and I often contemplated aiming for that.

I wanted to have every bone in my body show at the same time that I didn't, I never went into this wanted to be extremely thin like that but I was beginning to develop the mind set that there was no such thing as too thin. And at times that I looked at the reality of it that scared me a bit. What I was actually doing was sometimes scary, but more often than not I didn't care.

I sat up in bed and groaned lightly as I was instantly hit with a head ache that would probably be near unbearable to most, but I had gotten somewhat used to them. The cure most of the time was simply eating a bit since it was brought on by my lack of just that, and I often scum to eating in order to get rid of the head ache since it was a difficult task to simply ignore it for extended periods of time unless I felt particularly determined to keep food out of my body.

I rubbed my temples with two fingers in an attempt to nurse the pain a bit, although it proved to be a failed attempt when it did nothing at all to ease it. I sighed lightly and let my hands fall back to my sides after it became apparent that the pain wasn't going anywhere until I feed my neglected stomach and even then there was no guarantee of relief, since it was only a majority of the time that eating did the trick and even when I did I didn't always eat enough to satisfy my body's needs in order to rid myself of the head ache.

"God my head hurts so fucking bad." I commented with a groan, doing my best to ignore the throbbing pain that felt like was about literally crack my skull.

Levi moved to sit up besides me, stretching his arms above his head in a way that resulted in the bottom part of his shirt lifting slightly to reveal skin. My eyes were instantly drawn to the strip of pale skin being bared and it probably would have been really attractive if I wasn't in so much pain and could actually focus of it.

"Your going to have a hell of a time dealing with all the noise at breakfast, then." He said through a yawn, and I had to resist the urge to yawn also just from the sight of it.

"Thanks Levi, that helps." I scoffed and brought my fingers up to rub my temples once more in what I knew would be a failed attempt to ease the pain, but hey it was worth a shot.

"Your welcome." He replied with a hint of sarcasm. "Did you at least sleep well?" 

I nodded after a few moments of failing at relieving my pain. "Yeah I guess, just a few bad dreams and I had a hard time going back to sleep after them."

I still had nightmares, they never stopped really. Only for the short period of time when Levi and I's relationship was new and I was too love struck to have nightmares when I was sleeping in his arms. But the newness wore off soon enough and my break from the nightly hell was over. 

They were always the same ones, either about that night and dad or actual memories of Mikasa, Armin and I. It was hard to decide which one hurt worse, maybe the last one since I know that I can never live those memories ever again and I can never even catch a glimpse of them again though the first one was the reason I never could. And I had the displeasure of having both dreams last night.

"I'm sorry, but maybe one day the nightmares will go away right?" I knew the optimism was supposed to be comforting but it wasn't since I knew better.

"Maybe.." I replied simply, though I didn't mean it. There wasn't a chance that what he said had held any truth what so ever and I wouldn't waist time convincing myself otherwise. I would always be plagued with the nightmares of what I lost and why I had lost it.

We both decided to leave it at that, we couldn't just sit here for too long or we would be late for breakfast and there was consequences to that. I stood up and dragged myself over to my dresser, fighting against the wave of dizziness that blurred my vision for a few long seconds. My stomach twisted uncomfortably, rumbling slightly as if begging for food that I would inevitably have to consume later. It felt hollow and I was beginning to get a bit nauseous even though there was nothing to throw up even if the urge came.

I forced myself to ignore it because what else could I really do for the moment. My hands were a bit shaky from weakness as I pulled the drawer open, the cold handle shocking my already freezing fingers. No relief came to that even as I clutched the warm fabric of a sweatshirt baring a band logo across the front. If anything, it made it feel worse.

I hurried to strip myself of the current shirt I wore and quickly pull on the new one, once I had done so I took a short break to rub my hands together, blowing my warm breath onto my fingers in hopes of warming them. It did in fact work momentarily, although as soon as I began working to find a pair of sweat pants, they grew cold once more.

The pants I chose were black sweat pants that had seemingly gotten looser around my hips, they had normally hugged them and stayed up perfectly though as of late I noticed that I had to tie the waist strings tightly in order to keep them up. I didn't wear them too often recently due to that issue.

Once I had finished putting on the new outfit for the day, I ran my fingers though my hair to tame it in its messy state that sleeping had brought upon. It was rather dry, a lot dryer than I knew it should be. And on top of that I had noticed strands slowly falling out every time I showered and sometimes throughout the day, it probably should have concerned me more than it did but I couldn't bring myself to care since I never really cared that much about my hair.

A few strands had fallen out and clung to my fingers after I had finished combing it out with them, I payed no mind and simply brushed it off to the floor, continuing on to push in the dresser drawer and grabbing my blanker before joining Levi as he began to pull the door open for us to walk out into the hall. He didn't seem to notice the bits of hair that had fallen out, so maybe that was also part of why I didn't care. If it wasn't noticeable then why should I care?

We weren't the last ones in the hall way, but I sort of wished we were. The moment we stepped out we were caught in the middle of the crowed of patients all walking down the hallway into the dining room. We were normally either one of the first or last ones in the hall so we rarely had to deal with walking with all these people surrounding us, but we could manage.

It was pretty uncomfortable, though. A lot of the patients surrounding us seemed to be legit crazy, probably a result of taking those pills without knowing what they did. They hadn't been handing out those pills as often anymore, I didn't really know why. I assumed that the inconsistency was a simple result of how unprofessional this place was. But I wasn't complaining.

I wrapped my blanket tightly around my shoulders, gripping the fabric in my hands in hopes of warming them at least a little. Needless to say, that didn't work. It was so god damn cold, well it felt cold to me. I was the only one that was absolutely freezing and I hated it. My fingers almost felt numb as we walked into the dining room that was just as cold as the rest of this place.

Levi and I grabbed our breakfast the same as every morning, though I did make a point to actually eat what I was serving myself to hopefully relieve myself of this horrid headache, so I only got a little bit and planned to leave at least one bite left. I find that it helped me with self control.

Everyone was too fucking loud and this head ache of mine had managed to set me in a bad mood from the start, so I wasn't in the mood for anyone talking to me as I sat down at our table. But of course, it happened anyways. I was in far too much pain to even think of greeting everyone back like anyone with manners would do, so I kept my mouth shut.

I was cold to the point of shivering here and there, my head felt like it was about to split, and my stomach was twisting and turning with pain from the hunger that I felt. The last time I had actually eaten was three days ago, but I had managed to slip under Levis radar by purging for two of those days. It went against the rules I had set for myself but I didn't really care. I knew I was damaging myself but I had to do it.

Just walking had proven to be a rather hard task, I was left exhausted and when I was finally able to take a seat, I was so relieved. My bones still felt weak, though. Simply lifting my arm to reach for my spoon was harder than it should be for any person. My mind was screaming at me, telling me to put the spoon down but I went against it. I knew I couldn't go much longer without actually eating. I felt so horrible and I knew it was all a result of not eating, I normally chose to ignore the side effects but it was near impossible when I felt them all at once like this.

My stomach was burning as the food actually entered my mouth, my body begging me to feed it. And even though I didn't truly want to, I complied. If I had it my way I would go the rest of this day without even touching a single scrap of food but I didn't think I could physically do it. I wanted to but I couldn't.

It took me several minutes and quite a few bites of cereal to notice the red and greed streamers strung around the walls that had definitely not been there last night. Although whoever had hung it did a really shitty job, it looked like it was done in five minutes by one person who wasn't even paying attention. It did feel pretty far into December, maybe today was Christmas. Even if it was I didn't give a single fuck, Holidays like that never held any meaning to me what so ever. 

It would seem that everyone caught onto my foul mood, since not a word was spoken to me since I sat down. I was thankful for that, I was pretty sure that if I had to open my mouth to speak nothing good would come out of it. I mentally sighed and fixed my attention back on my food and the guilt and self hate I felt for allowing myself to eat it. Even though I knew I had to, there was still this horrible feeling that I couldn't make go away.

I stuck with the plan of leaving some food behind, surprisingly I controlled myself very well when it came to that. I sat the spoon down without a problem and left about two or more bites left in the glass bowl before me. With a quiet sigh, I rested my cheek in my palm and tapped my fingers against the table, waiting impatiently for this session to end.

Eating had done a little to aid me, my stomach didn't hurt as bad but my head was still pounding, and of course I was still freezing. I didn't expect for that to change since it has become a constant thing no matter what lately. I wasn't sure if my body was any stronger, that was something only standing up and attempting to walk could determine. Though now I felt bad mentally too, I regretted eating like I always do and I felt the urge to cry.

It felt like an eternity of staring down at the food left in my bowl before we were finally aloud to leave, and I was the first one to stand up. I didn't bother pushing in my chair, I just wanted to go and lay down or something. My head hurt so fucking much, I couldn't be bothered with having the manners to push the stupid chair in.

I was vaguely aware of Levi trailing a few steps behind me, and I knew that I probably should have waited for him to catch up but that wasn't really a hard task to do. He could walk at a pace most would consider normal and still manage to pass me by effortlessly. My bones still did feel pretty weak, weak enough to considerably slow my pace, but it was manageable. I rubbed my hands together again in an attempt to warm them to no avail.

"Your in a bad mood, aren't you?" I heard Levis voice and suddenly he was next to me, matching my pace without a trouble.

I sighed, I didn't expect it to go unnoticed since I wasn't doing anything to hide it. But I would rather just not talk about it. I would get over it soon enough, or at least that's what I hoped. I hated being in moods like this especially when Levi ends up taking my shit when he doesn't deserve it. I try not to have an attitude with him but its hard to control. I've just been so irritable lately.

"Yes and I don't want to talk about it, before you even ask that." It may have come off a bit snappier than I had intended, but oh well.

He was silent for a few moments, in those few moments we had managed to make it to the end of the hall and walk through the doors of the rec room. And then he spoke.

"But remember you said that you would talk to me if you were upset?" His voice held that genuine concern that came out only when he was dealing with my emotions, and at the moment I didn't like it. 

When I told him that, I was only saying it so that he would agree to talk to me when he felt down. I never really had the intention of telling him anything bad that I felt because that would mean burdening him with my problems. I could deal with them on my own and I didn't need to talk to him. Though in truth, I don't think I could deal with them on my own. But that didn't mean I wouldn't force myself to.

"It doesn't matter, i'll be fine." I would be fine, as long as he dropped it and left me to get over it on my own  
.   
"No it does matter. Eren I've been telling you when something was bothering me, and you told me that you were going to do the same."

That was true, he had been making an effort to tell me his troubles and I did everything that I possibly could to help him. Even if it was only simply listening and giving him a shoulder to cry on. Well, not really cry. He hasn't cried since that day on the couch. But it had seemed that talking helped him feel a little better. But talking didn't work for everyone, and I think I was one of the people it didn't work for.

"I really just don't want to okay? I'll get over it, i'm just in a bad mood." I said a bit quickly, trying to hold back the edge of attitude that threatened to break through my tone and most likely failing

He sighed, sitting down on the couch once we had reached it and I took my seat next to him. I drew my feet up on the couch and wrapped my arms around my legs, holding them against my chest. I rested my cheek on top of my knees, my head facing Levis direction though I had my eyes set on the door that had many patients pouring in at the moment

My head felt like it was beginning to feel slightly better, but the difference was hardly noticeable. I felt bad for being snappy with Levi, but I really just didn't want to talk. The mood I was in wasn't really a sad or even upset one, I was just really irritable at this point. I had gotten that way quite a bit in the past two weeks and I couldn't really control it. Though it was really selfish to keep quiet and ignore Levi, so I had to at least make an attempt at talking.

"You think its Christmas or something?" I questioned, straining to keep a calm tone of voice that didn't sound as irritable as I felt.  
I waited for Levis reply for a few moments, the only sound to be heard being the low rumble of people in the room chatting and the heavy slam of the double doors shutting after the last patient had entered, then he spoke up.

"Probably, I would think so. The only time they have thoese streamers in the dining room is on Christmas and they take it down at the end of the year. Other than that theres no way to tell or not but i'm pretty sure it is." He said as he brought his legs up on the couch to sit cross cross.

"Merry Christmas." I said with the biting edge of sarcasm. He scoffed at that.

"I fucking hate Christmas. Its nothing special, I don't see why everyone freaks out over it." He said and even though I wasn't looking at his face I knew he had rolled his eyes.

"I know, growing up I learned that its just another day." I said with a sigh.

Without another word I moved to lay on my back, laying my head in his lap and closing my eyes. My head still hurt so bad and in that moment all I wanted to do was lay down. He didn't react to my change in position, he simply rested one hand on the side of my face, caressing my cheek. I instinctively leaned into his touch. No matter how much of a bad mood I was in, I would always want to be as close to him as I could be. It calmed me ever so slightly.

"Your head still hurts?" He questioned as he placed his other hand on my forehead, brushing back my hair gently. 

I nodded instead of voicing my answer, because I still didn't really want to talk. My mood felt just a little bit altered simply by his touch although it was still there. It wouldn't go away that easy. My whole body felt relaxed and the pain in my stomach was becoming less and less noticeable, though my head still hurt quite a bit.

I opened my eyes and looked up at him, our eyes meeting as he had already been gazing down at me. My heart leaped a bit at the eye contact and did so again when I felt his thumb brush lightly against my cheek. I found myself unable to look away from those beautiful blue orbs, my mind going blank for a few moments and suddenly my headache was a bit more bearable.  
I suddenly began to regret being so short with him, seeing the care that was so clearly behind his otherwise icy eyes reminded me that by shutting him out I was hurting him as well as myself.

"I'm upset because I ate too much." The painfully honest words slipped before I could mindfully think about it. I had been caught in the moment, and I almost regretted telling him.

While it was the real truth it was also the truth to the lie he knew, so I hadn't risked much being honest but I still regretted saying it moments after I had. I knew I shouldn't regret it, I should share things like that with him because I told him I would, but then again I knew it was a lie when I said it. But if he had it in him to talk about his problems, it was only fair to talk about mine. Though I was so unwilling to talk about this particular problem, why didn't I lie and say something else was bothering me?

"You ate too little, Eren." He finally spoke, and his tone was so full of sympathy and concern it almost hurt to hear.

"Never mind, can we not go into too much depth? I told you what was wrong so can that be the end of it?" I was near positive that he wouldn't let this be the end of it but I would to my best to make it the end of it.

I was shutting him out again, trying to get him off the subject because I really didn't want to talk about it. But subconsciously, I did. As much as I hate to recognize that. The truth had been said when I was barley thinking and I refused to accept that there was a part of me that wanted him to know and help me, a part of me that was till sane. But I was thinking properly now, or what was properly to me, and I won't let him help me. I don't need help.

"Can you please just help me understand why your doing it? I promise I won't ask anything else for now if you just tell me why." He said, looking into my eyes but I looked away.

"I don't know." I replied simply with frustration without a moments thought, pushing myself up to sit and trying to ignore the sudden throb of pain in my head that I had managed to forget about, and apparently moving stirred the once settled pain.

"I don't believe that." He gave me a look that confirmed that he wasn't buying it, and I didn't really expect him to although I   
hoped he would. "You have to know why your doing this to yourself."

"I'm trying to stop, okay?" I said with an irritated sigh, as far as he knew I was trying to stop though my efforts were really inconsistent and it was a shock that he believed it for so long, or at least he seemed to be believing it.

"But your still struggling really bad, you have to tell me about this so I can help you."

'I do not want your fucking help.'

I refrained from saying the things running through my mind such as that because that would make matters worse. I actually debated telling him the truth or struggle to make up more and more lies to get me out of this. And lets say I did tell him why, how can I explain something I don't truly understand myself. It would be too hard to put into words and explaining it would most likely just make me feel ashamed and stupid.

I didn't even know how this came on. I suppose it was something that was always boiling in the back of my mind for a really long time, the constant insecurity that bullies at school and dad would always remind me of. When I came here and I saw that I could go a full day without eating, I felt a sense of pride and oddly better about myself. I never intended to take it very far, but it was hard to stop and now I didn't want to stop. I always thought poorly of myself and know I was finally doing something to fix it.

It sort of made sense when I rationalized it like this in my head but I couldn't put it into words to tell him. I couldn't tell him all that. It would raise another issue, the first day I went without eating was because of him and how he was acting towards me, how he broke my heart. I couldn't eat that day, but that wasn't on my own will. Even so if I told him the whole truth about this he would surely blame himself. But in truth nothing he did has anything to do with why i'm doing this.

It had to do with my own choices that I made. I wanted to do this, I needed to. The first day I consciously deprived myself of food was because I wanted to do it not because something he did. He does have something to do with why I keep doing this, I want to look better for him. But I couldn't tell him that either. I didn't know how to explain it to him so I ruled out telling the truth then and there, and settled for a half truth that should satisfy him enough.And even if it didn't, it was all he was getting.

"I just hate my body, I have for a really long time and I wanted to do something about it." That was still the truth, but so many things were cut out. I couldn't include any details of why or how I started, I just couldn't

"But.." He began, though seeming to hesitate a bit. "But you weren't overweight to begin with. As far as I know, unless you did this before you came here."

I began playing mindlessly with my thumbs in my lap, staring blankly down at my hands as he spoke. He was sort of right about that, I wasn't medically over weight but I was still far too fat in my own eyes. And I still was, which is why i'm not stopping until i'm satisfied.

"I didn't do it before I came here but I realized how bad I looked when I came here. Maybe to you I wasn't over weight but to me I was." I had to use 'was', but in truth I still am.

"How can I help you?" His voice reflected the worry and sorrow that I knew would be in his eyes, I didn't even have to look at him to know that. And that's the reason I couldn't look at him.

"You said you wouldn't ask anything after I answered you." He couldn't help me because I didn't want him to, but of course I didn't say that.

"Your right, but i'm glad you were able to tell me a little. It takes a lot to talk about things like that." His optimism, if you could call it that, about this was sort of annoying in a way.

I didn't want to hear things like that from him, hes treating me with too much pity. It was hard for me to talk about but I would rather him not know that, it made me feel weak. For a moment it occurred to be that he felt the same say, I remembered how he said crying makes him feel weak. Just as talking made me feel weak. I would rather deal with it myself and never tell anyone but I didn't really have a choice since I got into this shit myself by not thinking before speaking. I was just glad that the conversation seemed to be over.

My attention was brought back to reality when I felt his arms wrapping around me. I wasn't quite aware of how talking about something so sensitive honestly for really the first time made me feel, and I suddenly needed a hug. I turned to face him properly and wrapped my arms around him tightly, resting my cheek on his shoulder with my face buried in the crook of his neck.

I closed my eyes and relaxed as his hands rubbed small circles on my back, the soothing gesture doing wonders to calm my nerves that had gotten all fucked up in the process of talking about this. Actually thinking about all this caused the reality of it to hit me, how horrible what I was doing really was only occurred to me when I had to realize why for myself and somewhat explain it out loud. That's why I preferred to keep it all in and think about it as little as possible and just do it.

Even with how horrible it was, I still didn't want to stop. And for now maybe I could get away with continuing this but now that Levi and I had discussed this, I already know hes going to try to help since he addressed how I was 'struggling' with it when in reality I wasn't even making the smallest attempts to consciously get better.

This game I was playing was going to fall apart most likely sooner rather than later and it was only a matter of time until he figured everything out, but for some reason even that wasn't enough to make me want to stop.

"I just want to help you.." He whispered softly, and I tried not to tense up in his arms.

"Can we drop this for now?" Can we drop this forever, is what I would rather say. "Its too hard for me to talk about." Honestly it was hard to talk about but at the moment it was annoying me more than hurting me.

I felt him nod before he pulled back to look at me, his arms still latched around me. "I just don't want you to end up really getting hurt from this, I cant lose you."

Before I could think of a response, his lips were on mine. And quite honestly I was relieved for that because I really didn't know how to respond without sparking another conversation about this. So I gladly closed my eyes and moved my lips against his own incredibly soft ones, each movement sending a familiar spark through my veins and causing a little flutter in my chest.

My mind went totally blank the moment his lips connected with mine, it was as if the world melted away and both of our problems went with it. But the kiss ended far too soon as they always seemed to and I was left with a tingling sort of feeling where his lips use to be on mine.

"Now, what do you say we go play a few games with the others?" He said a few moments after breaking the kiss, moving one hand to grip my chin lightly, brushing his thumb across my lip.

I was actually a bit shocked at his offer, I was always the one to go over there and he'd simply follow me. He never actually offered to go on his own will but even so I still had the feeling that by 'we' he meant just me. He never played any of the card games or whatever else they had and he rarely said more than two words.

"Sure, but why don't you ever participate?" I asked the question merely because it was the first thing to come to mind and I didn't really think it through, but oh well.

His hand dropped back into his lap and for a moment I feared I had asked the wrong thing, but then he shrugged before speaking.

"Because they never made any attempts to get me to so why bother?" He said, casting his gaze off to the side and crossing his arms.

"If they did, would you?" I really didn't think he would to begin with, even if they had. 

He always rejected everyone before they could say two words to him, he refused to let anyone in his life so I doubted that he would even accept the offer if it came in the first place. He pushed me away constantly at first and it was simply because of my sheer persistence that we are where are now, and it was to my understanding that he treated everyone else just the same.

"Well.." He paused for a moment. "Probably not. But still, they never made an attempt so they don't know that."

"No offense but your pretty intimidating and hard to talk to at first meeting." I said with a small smile, hoping that he wouldn't take offence to it.

"I know, I do that on purpose. I don't like having people close to me."

"But they're good people. Well, most of them. Jean is just a dick. But Sasha and Marco are really nice and so is Connie." I really wanted him to make friends with them even though I knew that was unlikely. He was so reserved and insisted on isolating himself if given the chance, but I feel like if he made some friends he would be happier.

"Not gonna happen. I'm fine living out the rest of my days with just you." He said, and even though he didn't mean the last part to be some sort of sentimental confession, it still made my heart skip.

"It could help you, you know." I crossed my arms, almost mirroring his exact stance. He scoffed.

"I'm giving you the chance to go play with your friends while I sit next to you and watch, that's the best your getting. Take it or leave it." It was very obvious the conversation was getting to him, so I dropped it with a sigh.

"Fine, but I still think it would do you good." I said to him before standing up and waiting for him to do the same. He gave a hum that said he heard me but didn't care as he too stood and followed beside me.

The rest of the evening was spent exactly how he had described. I played a few card games with the others though most of our focus was on carefree conversation rather than the games at hand. And Levi stayed quiet as always, simply watching on with indifference. I sort of wished he would change his mind and choose to partake, but I knew in the back of my mind it would never happen. 

During this time I had managed to take my mind off of everything else and just talk casually with them. They could never compare to Armin and Mikasa, of course, but it still gave the the sense of normality that I needed in a place like this. Having friends here came in handy when it came to getting my mind off of shit effectively and I wished Levi would see that. But I suppose this was just how he is.

I was so reluctant to leave when the time finally came to go to dinner, I had managed to get caught up in conversation and completely forget my time was ticking down. And since I all my time had been occupied by talking to Levi and hanging out with everyone, I had no time to think about what I would do when it came to dinner.

My headache wasn't nearly as bad anymore, it had dulled down to a small ache that could be easily forgotten about if I tried. I suppose once the food settled it had begun to go away. It was as I started walking that I realized that my body didn't feel quite as weak as it did when I first woke up. I still felt cold as usual, but that couldn't be helped. So there was really no reason to eat.

I briefly entertained the thought of not eating at all, but that would bring consequences that I wasn't ready to deal with. So I decided on only eating a little just as I had done earlier. Tonight I actually did feel hungry, but it was controllable. I wouldn't binge because I felt in control right now and I intended to hold onto that sense of control throughout dinner. I would only eat enough to keep myself alive, for Levis sake if anything.

My lighthearted mood dropped pretty much the second we walked into the dinning room and I felt an uncomfortable twist in my stomach that mingled with a pang of hunger pains, resulting in the momentary urge to throw up. I hugged the blanket around me tighter, feeling suddenly a bit more cold upon entering the room I have come to hate.

As usual, I didn't even get half of the portion of food that Levi got, but he didn't pay it much mind since it was still something and it was to my understanding that he thinks i'm trying to get better little by little. Well that works for me for now I guess, but after a while of me only eating this much that theory would come tumbling down most likely along with the rest of my lies.

Even with my hunger, the act of actually eating was harder than it ever should be for anyone. I was so filled with guilt and self hate it was almost as if my mind was forcing my body to a halt as I actually began trying to eat. And when it came to swallowing, it was just as hard. Even though my body needed and wanted the food, my mind was telling me how weak I was for allowing myself to eat.

I just tried to get it down as fast as possible, pausing only to lightly converse on topics that my mind wasn't truly in. All I could focus on was how much I hated myself for eating when I didn't need to. I knew I needed to in order to save myself another inevitable confrontation with Levi too soon but I also knew that I didn't truly need to, and that's why I hated myself. It went in a constant cycle, I knew I needed to in order to protect what was left on my nearly ruined secret but I didn't want to because I didn't need to.

I left behind one bite as usual and just drank my glass of water for the rest of the time being, I found that drinking a lot of water made me feel fuller and prevent severe hunger pain for the most part. And water was just water, so it couldn't effect me in any bad way. It also distracted from the fact that I wasn't eating, and that proved helpful a lot too.

I had forgotten that we were supposed to take showers that night too, so I was pretty displeased when we were all lead into the showers though at the same time a bit relieved to feel clean again. What I was not relieved about was to find that my hair was still falling out at a slow but steady pace. Still, it didn't bother me as much as it should even as I stood with the few brunet strands in the palm of my hand from were they fell out when rinsing it.

I discarded the hair down the drain as if I never even saw it, though the only mind I really payed to it was running my fingers through my hair once more to see if it happened again. What I found was maybe two fallen strands, not enough to concern me in the slightest. I washed that too down the drain and turned my shower off, walking to the locker room and grabbing a towel to dry myself and my blanket as I left.

I always finished before Levi, so I was left to dress myself alone. I left the door cracked as always, throwing my towel out of the gap and into the hall for staff to collect after I had been finished with it. I chose a sweat shirt that was fuzzy on the inside and standard black sweat pants to sleep in, rubbing the fabric of my inner sleeve against my skin in hopes of warming the chilled flesh. But it felt as if the cold was bone deep rather than merely on the skin.

I threw my dirty clothes out into the hall along with my towel, running my fingers through my wet hair as I walked over to Levi and I's bed. I was slightly frustrated to find a few more strands of hair that had fallen from my scalp. I frowned and shook to to the floor, I think I knew why it was happening but I would rather not pay it any mind until I really had to.

I sat crisscross on the bed, pulling the covers over my lap. I don't think I was quite ready to go to sleep but I was definitely ready to relax. I sat, waiting patently for Levi to finish his shower that took relatively longer than mine since he had a thing about being as clean as possible. Honestly, I didn't quite understand that. The sooner I could get out of that room ass naked in front of every other man in the ward the better, is how I looked at it.

I was glad when he finally walked into the room, towel wrapped tight around his waist. I tried not to think about how that was the only thing covering him from the waist down and the fact that his hair was slicked back in a way that made me want to throw him against the bed and- no sex was the least of my concerns. Though it did clear both our minds, but it probably wasn't happening tonight.

It had only happened once after the first time, well only once did we take it 'all the way'. There was a few occasions that he went down on me but I never returned the particular favor out of both embarrassment and fear of fucking it up. Though he didn't seem to mind too much about that.

I shook my head, forcing the thoughts away and earning a questioning stare from Levi for a moment before he turned his attention back to getting dressed, I assumed my reasoning didn't hold his interest so he shrugged it off. Thank god. He chose an outfit similar to mine, black sweat pants and sweat shirt though while mine was plane, his bared a white printed band logo. A band that I knew and loved and the fact he did too made me think about smiling.

I had barely noticed the sound of locks assembling, confining us to the room until morning.

"Do you smoke?" He suddenly spoke up, his body still facing the dresser so I couldn't see his face and his hands still sifting through the top dresser drawer.

"That's random." I commented because it really was and had caught me a bit off guard. "Why?"

"Answer, Eren." He sighed and even though I couldn't see his face I knew he had rolled his eyes. He continued to shuffle through the clothes.

"I use to." I answered to satisfy him, then he turned around.

My eyes instantly fell on the familiar little white box with a red top, the word 'Marlboro' written in bold black across the front, these were the same cigarettes my mom bought. In the other hand he held a red lighter, a small smirk played across his lips. My first thought was how the hell he got those and I couldn't help the curiosity from crossing my face. I shot him a questioning look.

"Hanji manages to snag these from the guards sometimes and gives them to me since her and I are the only smokers. When she gave me this one it was pretty much full but now its half. I prefer to save them since its hard to come by most of the time and I tend to go through them in an instant." He explained, walking over to the bed and sitting next to me, pulling the sheet over his lap as well.

"I didn't know you smoked." I said, not ever recalling him telling me that. Then again I don't really remember telling him that I did either unless it was in an offhand comment.

"I didn't that often before I got here, but Hanji got me into it when I came. I didn't know you did either." He said as he opened up the top of the box, reviling almost exactly half of the little white sticks.

"I smoked pretty heavily for a long time before I came here, I also drank a bit." I confessed, figuring that little peace on information could be worth knowing if not just a random comment.

"That's bad for you." He clicked his tongue, but I caught the teasing air in his tone and knew he wasn't serious. It was bad, but neither of us cared.

I rolled my eyes and laughed lightly, taking the cigarette he held out between my index and middle finger out of formed habit and held the filter to my lips as he flicked the lighter on beneath the tip. I inhaled when the flame met the tip, taking a deep breath of pure smoke into my lungs, probably too deep. I ended up coughing quite a few times, quitting for months had an effect on how I took it.

I didn't hesitate to take another puff though as soon as my coughing fit came to an end, and this time it went down a lot smoother, my body accepting the smoke into my lungs with the ease that I had trained it with for years. I just had to get use to it but I did pretty quickly.

Levi smirked, humming lightly as he moved to sit with his back against the other wall, still facing me. I watched as he took a cigarette for himself from the still open box and closed it, tossing it not far aside and placing the filter between his lips and lighting his own. He seemed to be a bit more cautious with it to avoid coughing as I had. Easing into it was probably the proper approach and he seemed to possess the logic that I didn't.

He hadn't coughed as much as me, but the fact that he still did made me feel less stupid. He blew the smoke out between his parted lips and tilted his head back against the wall, seeming to relax. Something about the image was very alluring.

"What if they found out that we had these?" I questioned, not bothering to elaborate on who I meant by they because I knew he knew.

"They would probably just confiscate them, I don't really know. But the punishment cant be too severe since Hanji carelessly smokes during free time sometimes. I've never really learned first hand the consequence and I don't intend to." He said, taking another drag before speaking once more. "Flick the ashes behind the bed, no one looks there."

I was a bit surprised that he would want that since he had a thing for cleanliness, but out of sight out of mind I suppose. Though wasn't that some sort of fire hazard? Oh well, well cross that bridge if we came to it. I nodded.

"Fair enough." I replied, doing as told and flicking the ash with precision in the crack between the bed and wall before bringing it back to my lips and taking another deep inhale.

There was a few long moments of silence that hung in the smoke tainted air around us, and I questioned why it felt a bit tense. And then he spoke again.

"If today is Christmas," He paused for a moment and I looked over at him, curious as to what he was going to say. "Its also my birthday."

I was a bit shocked, hearing this so suddenly I was caught off guard. He had never told me his birth date and I couldn't help but wonder if he was just not going to tell me that today was it. Though there was really no way of telling for sure. It was still cool that his birthday fell on Christmas.

"Really?" Was the only thing I could think to say at that moment, still a bit surprised. He nodded  
.  
"Yeah, I never told Hanji or anyone else for that matter because she would make a big deal out of it when its nothing." He shrugged, gazing off at the other wall as he blew a cloud of smoke.

"It was the day you were brought into this world." I pointed out, mirroring him with my own cigarette.

"This shitty world that I never asked to be brought into? Yeah happy birthday to me." He scoffed and rolled his eyes, sarcasm practically dripping in his tone.

"That's not the point. The point is you were born today and if you weren't I would be alone." I said, making sure to look into his eyes as I spoke.

He shrugged. "I still don't really care about my birthday, but I figured it was worth telling you. Don't go repeating it." 

"I won't don't worry. But happy birthday anyways." He gave me a look before closing his eyes and sighing, leaning his head back against the wall.

"Thanks, I guess." He said as he reached over to flick an ash behind the bed.

"If it counts, my sister, friend, and I would definitely throw you a party if we weren't in here." I sighed lightly and moved to sit with my back against the wall next to him, being mindful of the burning cigarette in my hand as I did so.

Everything fell silent once more, and I had took that as an indicator that this particular conversation was over. I inhaled another drag of smoke, holding it in for a while before exhaling heavily and leaning my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes. My heart skipped in my chest when I felt his head resting against mine.

"I don't want to be in here." He mumbled quietly and for a moment I felt pain for him. He had been here for so long and would be forever, as would I. It was a hard fate to accept but it was our fate.

"I know.. neither do I." I said quietly, felling slightly saddened at the thought of spending the rest of my life here. But at least I had him.

"We should break out." He said and for a moment I couldn't tell if he was serious or not.

I laughed lightly, and air of sadness hanging in the brief laugh. He wasn't serious, he couldn't be. There was no way out, this place was sealed shut and there was no way around that.

"Your kidding." I scoffed.

"Yeah, but its a nice thought to entertain sometimes." He said with a sigh.

"I suppose, but really all it would do is get us in trouble." That was the reality of it, even if we got past the doors we would instantly get caught.

"I would take the blame, if it means anything." He commented, and I felt the light weight of his head against mine leaving as he leaned over to crush out his cigarette against the side of his dark wood nightstand. I allowed him to do the same with mine.

"I wouldn't let you take the blame, I would probably take it." I said honestly, because in this situation I probably would insist the blame on me if it meant saving him the trouble. He left the remains of the cigarettes on the nightstand surface and did the same with the pack and lighter.

"Oh how very sweet of you." He laughed lightly and crawled back over to sit next to me against the wall.

I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. I felt his shoulders rise and fall in what I assumed to be a content sigh, judging by the way he felt more relaxed after exhaling. I couldn't help the small smile that crossed my lips, I felt so much better after this, even if some of the conversation was a bit saddening. I suppose just talking to him managed to get me in a happier mood. The nicotine probably had something to do with that to, though.

I felt his hand resting against my cheek, urging me to lift my head. And as I did I found Levi facing me, our eyes meeting. The air around us seemed to still for those few moments that we gazed into each others eyes before he leaned forward, his lips pressing against mine.

The familiar spark ran through me the moment his soft lips connected with mine, and my eyes fluttered shut automatically. His hand fell from my face and found its way to my hand that was resting on his shoulder, our fingers intertwining and resting between us. Every movement of his lips against mine sent my heart fluttering in my chest and my mind went completely blank.  
I had to suppress a small moan when I felt him running his tongue along my bottom lip. I opened my mouth for him without really even having to think about the action, my body just did it for me. His other arm wrapped around my waist, his hand resting at my lower back. I practically melted into him as he probed my mouth with his warm tongue.

I pushed myself as close to him as possible as his hand fell lower, his fingers settling just below the hem of my sweat shirt. A sound mixed between a moan and whine escaped my lips without my permission when his hand slipped up the back of my shirt and I removed my hand from his to grip the fabric of the front of his shirt in my fingers.

I broke the kiss only to move to straddle his lap, keeping my hand fisted in the front of his shirt and using that to my advantage. I pulled him back up to kiss me again the moment I was settled in his lap. We resumed the kiss exactly where we had left off, though this time I had taken a bit more control and slipped my tongue into his mouth.

The taste of smoke still tainted his mouth and probably as well as mine, but I liked it. I liked it a lot actually. It sent a wave of desire and lust over me, clouding my mind until I couldn't think straight. His arms wrapped around me once more and instantly began to slip down lower and lower until his palms were resting on either sides of my hips.

The desire that burned though me fueled me to do things I otherwise would be unsure of, but in this moment I was as sure of myself as I could be. I broke the kiss only to latch my lips onto his neck the very next instant, licking and sucking lightly. Very lightly. Even in a state of lust, I still recalled what happened last time I wasn't extremely careful not to leave a mark.

I had apparently caught him by surprise and he breathed a light gasp, his body tensing and his head instantly leaning to the side to give me full access to the pale sensitive flesh of his neck. The moan I had managed to pull from him was the most erotic thing I have ever heard, and it encouraged me to go on.

I gave the pulse of his neck one final lick before moving back to look at his face, his lips were slightly parted as he panted lightly and his eyes were half closed. They began to open again and he turned to face me, his lips still parted. Something about the sight made me smirk, a sense of confidence swelling inside me. I hooked my fingers in the bottom of his sweat shirt and began to pull it up.

I only pulled it up enough to expose his nipples, choosing to keep the shirt itself on him since I knew he wouldn't want it removed unless necessary and it wasn't necessary for what I ultimately planned to do for him. I settled my hands on the fabric, keeping up pressed against his upper chest to keep it up.

Another wave of desire and confidence came over me when he let out a high moan as I latched my lips onto one of his nipples, earning another similar noise once I brought my hand up to rub the other one slowly. I ran my tongue in a circular motion over it until it felt it hardening, which didn't take very long. The same went for the other, it hardened under my touch just as quickly.

"Eren..." My name left his lips in a breathless gasp, his body arching onto my as I bit down lightly, rolling the nub gently between my teeth.

I ran my tongue to the center of his chest and began planting small kisses along his body, each time my mouth falling lower and lower until I was at his abdomen. I let one of my hands come down to palm the bulge that had long since began growing in the thin sweat pants that exposed everything and hid nothing. His hips shuttered as he bucked them into my hand and I looked up to watch his face.

His eyes were fully closed and his lips were parted, he was panting heavier now. I returned my focus to the task at hand, rubbing him with a bit more pressure through his pants. The moan that the action had pulled from him was downright sexy, although my confidence towards this was beginning to falter as I began to fully and consciously realize what I was getting myself into.

I tried not to let my hesitation show and continued on, moving both hands to slip my fingers in the waistband of his pants to pull them down. However he always had a way of sensing my hesitation no matter what situation we were in, and I felt his hands resting on mine before I had the chance to tug them down, stopping me from doing so. I looked up at him questioningly.

"I don't want you to do anything your not ready to." He spoke as soon as our eyes met, and I could tell he was making an effort to hide how much he wanted this. And truthfully I wanted this too, I was just scared of fucking up.

I shook my head. "No I want to do this, i'm ready to." I assured, unable to help the blush from creeping across my cheeks out of slight embarrassment from talking about this out loud.

He squeezed my hand gently before letting one drop back to his side and one rested on the side of my face. I lowered my eyes back down to his crotch and began slowly pulling his pants along with his boxers down.

"Just don't push yourself." He said, and actually managed to keep his voice even. He then let his other hand fall to his side as well.

I gave a simple nod in response, continuing in my efforts of riding him of his pants. The blush on my cheeks burned deeper as his erection finally broke free of its fabric confines, and I had to make a point not to still my actions. I tossed the now loose pieces of fabric to the other side of the bed, but still in reach for later.

I froze for a moment when i was finally left to the task of pleasing him, but I shook it off as soon as I realized I was still. I took a breath and started by wrapping my hand around him, that much I was use to and i'd like to think I've gotten good at it. Slowly, I began pumping my hand up and down. Probably a bit too slowly judging by the way he impatiently whined and thrusted his hips into my hand.

I stilled my hand at the base and leaned down after taking one more breath in preparation, sticking my tongue out to experimentally lick the tip. His body jerked lightly and a groan could be heard from his throat. With a new found confidence of knowing that he enjoyed at least that little, I repeated the action. Each time a soft moan escaped his lips and his body tensed up a little in pleasure.

I found myself relaxing a bit, and once I was more comfortable with the situation I decided to take the head into my mouth. I tried to think back to how Levi had done this on me, even though he lack experience just as much as I did he managed to do a damn good job even without a bit of knowledge. I stayed mindful of my teeth, tucking them behind my lips as I gave a light suck and ran my tongue across the slit.

He gasped breathlessly, and I could see him pressing his head back against the wall as I looked up at him through my lashes. I had managed to do this right so far, and I remained cautious not to fuck up. I couldn't celebrate yet. Getting a bit braver, I took a breath through my nose before taking a bit more of him into my mouth, and I couldn't imagine getting all of him to fit. There was a lot.

I could hear a faint scraping sound as he dug his nails into the bed sheet and a rather loud moan fell from his lips, his hips shuttering as if he was straining to keep them still. Feeling a renewed desire to please him, I came back up before going down and managing to take in considerably more. Enough that I probably should have gagged, but I didn't.

Something shoving my fingers down my throat regularly resulted in was a somewhat trained gag reflex, and at this point it took quite a bit to trigger it. That didn't come in handy any other time but in this particular instant it was extremely helpful.

"Fuck.. E-Eren..." He hissed through gritted teeth as I went down once more, taking over half of his cock into my mouth at this point.

I had kept my teeth carefully concealed, confident not to fuck up now that I seemed to be doing so well. I bobbed my head up and down on him at the fastest rate I could handle, slowing myself after the few times that I had managed to gag myself though recovering quickly.

He was now squirming frequently, moans ranging in volume slipping almost constantly as I took more of him in little by little and tried to refrain from gagging. His hands had found their way in my hair, his fingers threaded through the locks tightly but not tight enough to hurt. The momentary worry of some of it falling out into his hands crossed my mind breifly before I forced it to disappear so it wouldn't distract me from my work.

My throat had began to ache from the strain, stirring the pain that had previously settled there from other activities so I decided to take a break from deep throating him like that. I pulled back completely to breathe a bit, allowing him to regain his breath also in the process. I only allowed myself a short breather before leaning back down and licking him from base to tip.

He tensed up from his previous relaxed sate he had managed to take on while catching his breath and his breathing almost immediately returned to irregular the moment my tongue touched him, and I had to admit I was pretty proud of that. His hands had settled themselves back at his sides a little bit ago and now began fisting the fabric of the bed sheets tightly in his hands as I began sucking on only the head.

He gasped a quick intake of breath and moaned sharply through his clenched teeth, his eyes screwed shut tightly while I swirled my tongue around the head of his cock. I kept this up for a few moments, reveling in the sweet sound of the moans it tore from him. And the fact that I could pull such sounds of intense pleasure form him caused a lustful sense of pride to swell inside me.

The ache in my throat had dulled considerably, and I figured it was hopefully time to finish this though admittedly I was enjoying it more than I thought I would. It wasn't as hard as I thought at first, but the fear of messing it up was still really nerve wreaking and I wasn't in the clear yet, I still had to be mindful and cautious.

With one more deep breath through my nose, I began to bob my head once more, finding it a bit harder to take as much of him in as I did before since I had to get use to the feeling again. I nearly gagged once I had quickly managed to get over half of him in, though the sounds I heard coming from him were worth it. The moment I closed my mouth around him and began going down, something that almost resembled a scream escaped him and his body trembled for a few seconds.

I'd never seen him come undone like this before, although we've only been exploring this with each other for a few weeks. But still, it was amazing to see for the first time. He normally wouldn't be so loud, that was left to me most of the time and seeing it on him was such a turn on, it made me want to hear more of those beautiful noises that were like music to my ears.

He cried out again and again with every time my mouth came down on him, taking in ever so slightly more each time. His breathing was fast and uneven, and I could feel his member throbbing against my tongue. Little by little his voice was getting louder and I knew he was close, so I gave it my all. I attempted a faster rate and succeeded for the most part and forced myself to go all the way down a few times, and it was miraculous that I didn't choke as I probably should have. I suppose my gag reflex was pretty well trained after all.

"Eren.. oh god I can't." He managed through his pants and cries.

I didn't let up, in fact I pushed myself father and probably went past what I was capable of but all I could think of is fuck it at this point, I just wanted to hear his voice and know what I was doing to him. Though it wasn't long after that till his hips jerked and his knuckles turned white from gripping the sheets so tight, and a final cry was torn from his lips.

I pulled back once I felt the liquid hit my throat, though kept my mouth around the head. I hadn't really though of what I was going to do at this point since I never gave much thought to getting this far, but my first instinct was to swallow. I squinted my eyes slightly as more of the sticky liquid hit my tongue, it tasted both salty and bitter, but not really bad.

He released his death grip on the sheets and let his body fall limp against the wall, panting heavily as he recovered from what seemed to be a pretty intense climax. I swallowed everything as I pulled away completely, while the taste wasn't unbearable I still didn't care for it much. I sat back on my knees to look at what I had managed to do to him.

His head was resting against the wall along with the rest of his body, his head slightly turned and his eyes closed as he panted. His shirt had fallen down to cover half of his body but still exposing a bit of skin, and his hands lay limp against the sheets. But it was as everything settled down that I noticed that I had strained my throat probably more than I should have. It was pretty sore, but nothing I couldn't deal with. I had done worse to my throat so it wasn't that bad, but I still had managed to get it raw enough to ache a bit.

I brought a hand up to wipe my lips off and took a breath through my mouth, thankful to be able to do that after breathing only through my nose for a while. He seemed to have regained most of his composure after a little while and he moved his head back to look at me, his body straightening up a bit.

"How the fuck was that your first time?" He questioned mostly to himself than to me, and I felt my cheeks heat up a bit.

I gave a shy smile and shrugged while he moved to sit at the edge of the bed, pulling on his boxers and pants to cover himself and straightened out his shirt. I sat on the middle of the bed where I had been pretty much the whole time, waiting for him to finish clothing himself. But then, I felt a pair of arms wrap around be from behind, one hand sliding down my body and gripping the bulge in my paths that I silently decided to ignore.

A moan escaped my lips before I could stop it, I wasn't expecting the sudden action. And then another fell as he began palming me through the fabric. He was sitting on his knees behind me and I sat between his legs, his arms remained around me while one hand rubbed me through the pants. Another surprised cry was elected when I felt his mouth on my neck from behind, his tongue dragging slowly across my now rapid pulse.

"L-Levi wait, you don't have to- ah!" I was cut off my an uncontrollable moan of sheer pleasure as his hand slipped into the front of my pants and into my boxers, gripping and stroking me. I couldn't find it in me to protest anymore after that, my mind went blank with his mouth on my neck and his hand touching me in such a way.

"Oh but I want to." His mouth left my neck to purr the words in a low and sultry tone that seemed to vibrate through my entire being, and then he began nibbling lightly at my eat lobe.

I could object no longer. I couldn't deny that my body needed him to please me and I couldn't help but submit fully to the pleasure and whatever he wants to do to me, even though I planned on pleasing only him tonight and didn't really expect anything in return. I let my body rest against his chest, my head resting back against his shoulder. And then his hand was gone, to my displeasure. Though a mere second later I understood why.

He had hooked his fingers with both hands into the waist band of my pants and boxers, and I assisted him by lifting my hips for him to pull them down only mid thigh, though enough to access my aching cock. I gritted my teeth when the pleasure finally returned after a few short moments of being deprived, his hand wrapping around me once more and pumping me at a quicker pace.

I shuttered lightly as his other hand crept up the front of my shirt, his finger tips trailing up my torso in a way that sent a pleasurable chill down my spine. My hips jerked when I felt his thumb smearing the liquid that leaked around the sensitive head on my member, and I shut my eyes tightly. This his hand returned to stroking me quickly.

I knew with that fast rate I wasn't going to last long at all since i'm still new to all this and it doesn't take much at all, though that's probably his intentions. His other hand abandoned its task of feeling my body to come up through the neck of my shirt, resting on the side of my face and turning my head to the side. He instantly turned his too and locked his lips onto mine.

This kiss was by no means at all innocent, instead it took on an almost immediate sloppy and heated nature. His tongue forced its way inside my mouth, which wasn't hard to do since my lips had already been parted from panting and moaning constantly. I raised my hand up to run my fingers through the hair at the side of his head, submitting fully and completely. I let his tongue violate my mouth, the feeling of suck sending a bolt of intense pleasure through my veins.

I thrusted my hips into his hand in time with his fast pumps, unable to help myself as I felt closer and closer to the edge. I was almost embarrassed that I was going to come so quick, but again it was probably his exact intention to make me do so. My body squirmed against his and I had to consciously try not to pull his hair too hard, I let my mouth remain open for him to probe as much as he wanted to, and honestly I didn't want him to stop. It felt so good and added to the pleasure I felt, shortening how long I could last.

And I couldn't last anymore. I cried out into the kiss, feeling him smirk against my mouth before turning his head and leaving me to moan his name over and over as the pressure built.

"Levi.. fuck!" I swore before it finally became too much to hold back.

I dug my head back against his shoulder and my whole body trembled as I came hard onto my own shirt, a problem I would have to deal with soon but my mind was far too clouded to think about that now. I couldn't think about anything at all in those few heavenly moments that I climaxed, and then I let my body fall limp against him.

I turned my head to rest my cheek against his chest, my eyes closed as I panted heavily to regain a proper breathing rate. I refused to move, the afterglow being far too amazing to ruin, though he didn't seem to mind. He simply wrapped his arms   
around my waist and let my body rest against his chest until I was ready to move, which I reluctantly did do after evening my breathing back to normal.

I sat up on my own and pulled my pants back up, turning to sit facing him. Once I looked down at my shirt, I saw that everything had hit only my shirt and I almost regretted wearing black. I scrunched my face up in disgust and sighed.

"I have to change my shirt again now, you asshole." I said with a playful tone, he laughed lightly.

"Now is that any way to talk to someone who just made you cum?" He purred with a smirk that only served to worsen the instant flush of red that came over my cheeks.

"Shut up, don't say that." I rubbed my burning cheeks as I moved past him to stand and walk over to my dresser, I could hear him laugh behind me.

"Why not, its true." I could practically hear that smirk in his tone, he knew what he was doing. He was flustering me on purpose.

"Levi." I half whined as I pulled my soiled shirt over my head and replaced it with a clean one that resembled the old one, only this one was dark grey. "That's embarrassing."

When I turned around, I could see that he was already laying on his side under the sheets, waiting for me. The smile on his lips was enough to make one of my own cross my lips as I strode back to bed.

"It shouldn't be." He said softly while I settled myself under the sheet, cuddling up against him.

He wrapped his arms around me once I was settled and planted a soft kiss on my lips. Once he had pulled away, I wrapped my arms around him and curled up against his chest, sighing in content as everything grew silent and I was able to hear the soft thumping of his heart inside his chest.

"You know, I may hate my birthday but I have to say that was the best present I've ever gotten." He said and placed a gentle kiss atop my head.

"So I did good?" I asked for conformation though his earlier actions showed the answer, still I wanted to hear it. I was glad my face was hidden from his view, because my cheeks had to be really red at this point.

"Fucking amazing." He replied with a short laugh, his arms tightening around me a bit, holding me closer.

Despite my embarrassment towards talking about it when my mind was clear and proper, it still made me glad to hear that I did so well since I really had been terrified of fucking it up.

"Anything for you, my love." I said in a half pur that reveled some of the happiness I felt upon hearing the compliment.

I felt his hand on my cheek, guiding my head to look up. I complied and as soon as I did I was met with his lips against mine once more. He kissed me softly for a few moments that I wished could have lasted forever, and when he pulled away I felt both content that it happened but disappointed that it had to end. So I leaned up to capture his lips once more after he had pulled away.

I could feel him smile against my lips, and that much made me too smile. And in that particular moment, I felt true happiness. I wasn't thinking about all the bull shit that I would have to deal with in the very near future, all I could think about was Levi and how much I loved him. It was in moments like these that I could feel how much he loved me too. The little smiled and laughs that he otherwise concealed made my heart leap and the care he showed towards me made me feel like I've never felt before.

I couldn't imagine how I ever lived without him.

"I know I've said it before," He said in a soft tone that no one would ever think he possessed upon first meeting. He kept my cheek caressed in his hand, his face lingering mere inches from mine as he gazed into my eyes. "But please, don't ever leave me."

My heart seemed to swell in my chest and I was hit with the other whelming feeling of how much I cared about him, and how much he cared for me. In that short moment, I truly knew how it felt to be loved. But I was aware that the feeling you deteriorate soon enough and I would forget it until I was reminded again.

"I wont." I whispered, tightening my arms around him to emphasize it. "I promise, I wont ever leave you so long as you don't leave me." 

He pulled me as close as he could, my head resting just below his and out legs intertwined. I could hear his heartbeat once more, the sound slow and soothing. It relaxed me, moments like these were what I lived for, when everything else seemed to disappear and all that mattered was Levi. And even though it never crosses my mind at the time, no matter how shitty things get for me I would always be able to rely on these moments where he holds me in his arms to keep me sane. Because without them, I would surely break completely.

"I will always be by your side, Eren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah I updated this so late, sorry my laptop is still being a fucking idiot. In the next chapter they go outside since it'll be the end of the year, so it shouldn't be a hella serious chapter. The again who knows, I haven't really plotted it yet because i'm lazy so maybe a few serious things with make they're way in there but i'm not planning on it really.  
> Comment if you enjoyed this chapter, hearing you guys's opinions make my day so much better! Like you wouldn't believe how happy they make me!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sO sorry for how late this is. I can explain. Two excuses this time. One, I have some really fucking bad writers block right now and two, i'm currently in the process of redoing my entire room. Paint, furniture and all. I live in an extremely fucking messy room so as you can imagine cleaning all this shit out and moving heavy things on my own is very time consuming. I promise I had this done a few days ago and intended to edit and post it but it ended up being too time consuming but I FINALLY found time to do it. Praise freckled Jesus.  
> I apologize if its rushed or generally crappy because this damn writers block. I'm just hella stressed lately.  
> Trigger warning for Bulimia, a very brief scene because I make a point to keep things like that very vague as to not trigger anyone and also just avoid unnecessary gross description.  
> Enjoy!~

The next few days passed as usual, the same routine repeating and seeming to blend days together, making it hard to tell how many days have past. But I've gotten use to that at this point. Nothing new really happened, but it was as though I could feel my time running out before Levi decides to hold the next unwanted conversation about my eating. He seemed to be catching on but has yet to call me on it, I wasn't sure why but I didn't question it. I was just thankful that it wasn't brought up yet.

I had woken up before we had to get up, my blood felt like ice in my veins and I had managed to break out into a cold sweat as I slept. I had another nightmare, but that was nothing new. It felt as if I had just relived that night all over again and I felt sick to my stomach, though I wasn't sure if it was from the reoccurring nightmare or my hunger. I assumed it was probably a mixture of both. I brought my hands up to rub the sleep out of my eyes, finding that there were no arms around me in the process of doing so.

I removed my hands and instantly turned my head to look beside me, becoming slightly worried that Levi was no longer next to me though the worry quickly faded once my eyes landed upon his sleeping form next to me. I sighed lightly in relief, I was always irrationally scared of waking up someday and he would no longer be by my side. But he had rolled over to lay flat on his back sometime while I was asleep, removing his arms in the process.

I rolled over onto my side so that I was facing him and scooted closer, wrapping my arm around his torso and gently laying my head on his chest, his body heat immediately emitting against my own cold body. I didn't want to move out of bed today, I just wanted to lay here next to my warm boyfriend and ignore the rest of the world. I nuzzled my head against his chest and closed my eyes, my weakened body relaxing fully against him.

I was slightly surprised when I felt two arms coming up and wrapping around me, encircling me in a warm embrace. I angled my head to look up at him, wondering if he was awake or if he had done that in his sleep, though finding that he was in fact awake. My eyes fell onto his beautiful blue ones and the first thing I noticed where darker than normal bags underneath the otherwise gorgeous orbs.

"Did I wake you?" I questioned just in case, though it was pretty apparent that he hadn't slept much if at all to begin with.

"No, I've been awake." He confirmed through a light sigh, one arm leaving me to rub his eyes while the other remained against my back.

I nodded lightly and moved so that I was laying on my stomach with my upper body resting against his chest, one hand laying on his shoulder, the other resting on the side of his torso. I had lost quite a bit of sleep to these nightmares that seemed to effect me more and more these past few weeks, though it seemed he was losing far more sleep and I felt really bad for him. I wished to help him but I knew I couldn't.

"How much did you sleep?" I asked to get an idea of the severity, though it appeared that he got next to none.

"Probably like an hour. I'll be fine though, i'm use to it." He shrugged the best he could in his position and returned his arm around me,

He acted as if it wasn't a big deal and played it off like nothing, but I knew it effected him more than he let show. He simply wanted to avoid me being concerned but I easily saw through his efforts, I even figured out that he sometimes feigned sleep on purpose and an easy way to spot that he had lost a considerable amount of sleep is when he's a lot more irritable than normal. Mostly with other people, though. Very rarely does he get short with me unless I did something to induce his irritation. Otherwise he refrains from taking it out on me, something I should really note.

"Shouldn't they have something to help you sleep here?" I knew it was unlikely that they'd help him even if they could but it was worth mentioning.

A short and bitter laugh was heard, followed by another beat of silence before he spoke. "Yeah probably but they won't give it to me. Do you think they really care?" The question wasn't meant to be answered, because we both knew they didn't.

He had a point, so we silently agreed to leave it at that. I preferred silence to the conversation anyways, why talk about problems when we could be spending the last few moments we had in bed relaxing with each other? I believe we would both rather savor the nice moment instead of ruining it with conversation about stressful subjects that's best dealt with later.

"I don't want to move." I mumbled as I buried my face in his chest, closing my burning sleep deprived eyes and relishing in the relief that came for the moment.

One of his hands came up to rest on the back of my head, and a brief panic flared up within me that strands of hair would fall out onto his hand and he'd question me though his land simply laid on the surface to my relief. Quite honestly it was miraculous that he didn't notice the hair loss yet considering how much he loved to play with my hair, although it was pretty slow and didn't happen every time it was touched. Regardless I relaxed under the touch.

"I know, me neither." I could hear in his tone how tired he was, and that was pretty concerning. At first I never thought his sleep problems would be to the extent that they are, but learning the severity was quite worrying.

He had a lot of things to lose sleep over, and I wanted to help him the best I could but it was hard. He had been making an effort to tell me when something was bothering him just as we agreed to do with each other, even though I never followed though, but at least he was telling me. But I could only help so much with comforting words and assurance of how much I cared for him, and it hurt that I couldn't do more than that. The fact that he was likely spending his time awake dwelling on dark things made it worse.

I wrapped my arms around him the best I could and propped my chin up on his chest to look up at him. His eyes were closed, but I knew it wasn't with the intentions of sleeping. Something was bothering him, I could just instantly tell that there was something on his mind. It was weird actually how I developed this ability to read him so quickly after he seemed to be a simply unreadable person from the start. Though I suppose that's because he let me read him, really.

"Is something wrong?" I questioned quietly, being sure not to shake him from whatever thought he had been in too roughly.

He opened his eyes and looked down at me, an impassive mask taking over his features. That was something that he did to hide his emotions, I had learned that long ago with the way his expression suddenly turns cold and emotionless only when he tries to avoid conversations he didn't want to have. That mask that would have had anyone else fooled was an instant red flag to me.

"I'm just really tired, is all." He said in a sleepy voice that probably wasn't faked but it definitely helped what I assumed to be a lie more believable.

It was a bit odd that he would hide his feelings at this point after he had been coming to me seemingly every time he needed to, it definitely bothered me. I wanted to call bullshit on his excuse and ask what was really wrong but I also knew that trying to force information would do nothing but get him more upset. I decided to bring it up again later if he continues to show somethings bothering him assuming he doesn't come to me first. It would be odd and even more concerning if he doesn't.

"Ah," I hummed in acknowledgment and hid how I didn't accept the lie. "Well if you need to talk then you know i'll listen." I tired to say as casually as possible, not wanting to upset him which was pretty easy to do though he never really outwardly expressed it towards me.

"Eren i'm fine, trust me." He sighed lightly, and it was hard to not believe his words since he was such a good lair. 

Maybe he wasn't lying. No, there was no way sleep deprivation was his only issue. I knew something was wrong, I could almost feel it. Something was eating away at him, and now that I think about it he had been acting that way for a little while now. I thought it odd how he would often get silent as if he was thinking about something long and hard but I figured if he was really that bothered about something he would tell me. He had gotten good about it for a while, but now I wasn't so sure he was telling me everything.

That was understandable to an extent, it had to be hard to confess everything that upsets him when there's so many things to cause that, I hadn't even stayed true to my word or even attempted to because it was too hard. But I had still become expectant of him to let me try to help. I suppose it was a bit foolish to believe that he'd tell me everything to begin with, but I wanted to think he was. I wanted to believe he was making an effort to at least begin getting better, even though that was unlikely in here, and he did seem to be trying but I could feel that there was something he wasn't telling me.

As much as it bothered me immensely, I decided i'd go with asking again later if he still acted odd.

Yet again, we had managed to waist a chunk of time alone together on talking about stressful subjects, but it was impossible to ignore the way he was acting. I couldn't just say nothing upon noticing that something was off with him, that would bother me too much.

The rest of the time was spent in peaceful silence, so peaceful I almost thought about going back to sleep. However I knew that there wasn't nearly enough time for that and I would only be disappointed when we had to get up. There was no way to know for absolute sure but I somehow knew that it would be anytime now that we would be forced to do so and drag our self's out of the room to live out another horribly boring repetitive day in the ward.

I preferred simply laying my head on his chest much more to the previous conversation that was taking place, even if it hadn't been that long. Hearing his heart beat in the comfortable otherwise silence was somehow assuring and extremely relaxing, the warmth his body emitted added to the sheer comfort and relaxation the moment held and I never wanted to move out of his safe, warm arms.

But it all came to an end far sooner than either of us would like, and our day was forced to a start as the overly happy Hanji practically bounced into the room to tell us that it was time to get up in her own eerily exited way, as if she was actually happy to be up this early to start another bland day. Maybe she was, who knows. She was so far off her rocker it was unsettling.

"Time to wake you you two love birds~" Her tone was hushed but it still managed to come out as cheery as ever, but at least she possessed enough of a conscious mind not to say something like that in a voice loud enough to alert the guards. In other words, the excited voice she used any other time.

I was extremely reluctant to move from my position on Levis chest, but I knew I had to in order to avoid being late and receiving whatever punishment that would come. I was still in a sleepy state that I had managed to fall into during the time we spent relaxing, and I was slightly startled to find Hanji sitting at the edge of the bed as I sat up next to Levis still laying form.

She wore a smile that was a bit different than her usual maniac grin, this one held a bit more excitement over general craziness, though the psychotic feel was still there as it always would be with her. I simply stared questioningly for a bit while she stared right back, expecting an explanation of her as to why shes still here, and I almost thought I would have to ask for one before she opened her mouth just before I could.

"Do you guys know what today is?" She clasped her hands together and held them under her chin, her smile seeming to grow impossibly wider.

"Yeah, just another shitty day here like all the others." Levi spoke with a biting bitter edge in his tone that only came out when he spoke to anyone besides me, and he sat up next to me. 

He was giving her a glare that said 'you have five seconds to explain why your still here before I lose it' and had it been anyone else on the receiving end, they would have left but this was Hanji, the one person amazingly unfazed by Levis cold and aggressive mannerisms. The ice cold glower even sent a chill down my spine, yet she was completely unfazed what so ever.

"No Levi, today is the day we get to go outside!" She nearly exclaimed, bouncing on the mattress with happiness.

Levi had told me that day was coming close, but neither of us knew just when. It did make me slightly happy to hear that, at least this day wouldn't be spent exactly as the others. However the way Levi described this little event, it didn't seem to be that interesting. It was to my understanding that we just kind of sat there, like any other day but this time its just outside with fences with barbwire and guards watching us. It didn't sound all to appealing but it was different and I was more than willing to give it a try. Not that I had much of a choice.

"That's what your freakishly over excited for this morning?" Levi scoffed lightly, rolling his eyes at her. "Now if that's all, I would appreciate you leaving before you manage to irritate me further." His tone was stone cold, the same one he used with me so long ago and it was almost weird to hear since I had gotten so used to the kind and caring side of him. 

Her smile only faltered for a short moment as she gave a small pout, feigning offence from the harsh words that clearly didn't really bother her. But after a few moments of the little pout, the smile took over her lips once more and she stood. She crossed her arms, another act of fake offence that her smile gave away as a lie.

"Hurry and get up, and don't be late or you'll miss our day outside~" She chimed, clasping her hands together once more with a smile before skipping out of the room without another word and leaving us to our self's.

"Its really not as exciting as shes making it sound." He said with a sigh that held the air of exasperation, assumeably because of Hanji. "But its kind of a nice change I guess." He admitted, glancing over at me with an instantly softened expression upon being alone once more.

I couldn't say I wasn't at least a little excited to get out of these walls and break the bland routine I had followed since the day I got here, it should be in fact a nice chance. I was looking forward to the first time being outside in what seemed like forever, but it was hard to get truly excited for really anything anymore.

"I guess." I replied as I stood up to walk over to my dresser, instantly feeling the usual lightheadedness and weakness in my bones. My knees almost felt like buckling beneath me but I fought the urge with all my might until I had gotten to the dresser to lean on for support. "How does this work, like, where do we go from here?" I questioned once I got a fair balance.

"Not really that different, really." I could hear his drawer being pulled out and clothing being shuffled. "We go to the cafeteria, get breakfast, and then they take us outside. Then we come in for dinner and off to bed."

I almost struggled getting my drawer out, and said problem distracted me a bit from what he was saying but I caught the gist of it at least. My arm felt overworked once I finally did manage to get the drawer out and I knew that really wasn't right but I didn't much care. My hands felt so cold that I couldn't feel the fabric of the shirt I decided to pull out, and it only got worse once I stripped myself of my current shirt.

"Its going to be cold outside." I half mumbled after having pulled the new shirt on my body, that thought just now occurring to me and I found myself dreading the cold air making my already constantly cold state worse.

"That it is." He replied. "They'll probably let you bring you blanket so just do that."

I sighed lightly, rubbing my hands together once I'd dressed myself fully. Though that resulted in little to no relief to my cool hands but I should have figured that much. I turned on my heel to walk over to where I had laid down said blanket after we had come in last night and wrapped it around me snugly. It did aid me slightly, and I knew it would definitely come in handy on the freezing cold of the outside world.

Levi was waiting on me, opening the door just as I turned around and holding open. We seemed to be some of the last in the hall this time, or maybe some of the first. I wasn't quite sure but there was few people surrounding us as we walked down the hall that lead to the dinning room. My legs felt weak as I walked at the fastest rate I could and all I could think about was how much I wanted to sit down before my legs gave out.

Even with the pangs of hunger pain that came and went frequently and the weakness I felt in my bones, I still really didn't want to eat a single thing. As long as my legs didn't actually give out I would be fine, is what I kept telling myself every time the desire to eat souly to rid myself of the weakness came to mind. I could probably get away with not eating a lot if at all this morning because it was to my understanding that we would be around guards all day today and I knew Levi wouldn't bring something such as my eating up in front of them. Or at least I hoped he wouldn't.

With that in mind, I served myself an extremely small portion and completely ignored the look I knew Levi was giving me and began walking back to the table on my own. I didn't want to give him a chance to say anything, so getting myself around other people as fast as possible was the best way to assure he wouldn't object. He knew better than to call me on this when we were around the others, though I felt a small pang of guilt walking away from him like that.

As I took my seat, I noticed that Hanji was wearing the same enthusiastic smile as she had when she was in our room, though that was to be expected. She always smiled and now that she had an actual reason to smile I knew that it wasn't going away anytime soon.

"Are you excited Eren?" Hanji asked cheerily, leaning forward with her cheeks resting in her palms. I shrugged.

"I guess, I mean is it really that exciting?" I couldn't help but to not find the idea all that exciting, it was basically just seeing freedom for a few hours but not being able to do anything about it.

"Its really not." Came Levis usual emotionless voice that he spoke with around people. Not that he really ever spoke anyways.

"Your such a grump Levi, you don't think anything is exciting." She tilted her cheek in one palm and idly stirred around the content of her bowl.

"Its not really that fun but its definitely something to appreciate." Spoke Sasha, and I turned my attention to her. "We never get to see the sunlight so its kinda nice to get out."

"I'm not a fan of it. By letting us sit around in the grass with a fuck-ton of guards and gates surrounding us, their just kinda teasing our freedom." My eyes automatically rolled so hard I thought they would fall out of my head as soon as I heard Jean speaking, but the horse face had a point. I probably would have agreed if I didn't hate him so much.

I sat back as more conversation on the subject went around the table that Levi and I both stayed out of from then. I focused my attention on the food before me and simply glared at it for a while as if that would make it go away, but I knew eventually that I had to eat at least a little. I felt as though I would actually faint or something if I didn't pretty soon. I tried not to think about the overwhelming hatred for myself that I felt while trying to stomach the food, but that was impossible.

I hated the way that my stomach began to hurt more as soon as I swallowed because I knew that meant my body was demanding more, and for some reason that made me want to eat less. But I had to. Three more bites, I told my self. Just to assure that I wouldn't faint or at least collapse from the weakness. Though I wasn't sure if that was anywhere near enough to prevent such things, but it was as much as I was willing to consume.

I was able to get down the next three bites, though not with much ease. But I was still able to do it and leave probably three more left behind. I could see Levi looking over at me from the corner of my eye when the clank of my spoon resting on the rim of the glass bowl sounded softly, it was a look I knew all to well.

A kick to my leg called my attention fully to him, and I turned my head to look at him. He raised his eyebrows, giving me a stare before mouthing out 'eat'. His attempts would do nothing to make me eat, and I think he himself knew that too. No matter how much he told me to, I wouldn't. I would just ignore him, like I was about to now. I looked away from his gaze without a single response aside from the slight narrowing of my eyes and ignored the second light kick that landed on the same spot of my leg right after I did so.

"So Hanji, tell me about the other times you've been outside." I said quickly. I didn't really care, I just wanted a distraction.

I was pretty pleased with myself for being able to get out of that so easily. I wasn't listening, but I acted like I was merely to avoid Levis stare that I knew still remained on me. Hanjis enthusiastic rants lasted the rest of breakfast luckily, but the problem that I was then faced with was now Levi was definitely going to say something and it wouldn't be good.

We all stood up, a few guards that I didn't quite recognize walking into the room and putting us into a line, which took slightly longer than necessary since some of the patients had a hard time standing still in line and effectively wasted all of our time. Levi was in front of me and Hanji was behind me, though she was too busy chatting with Sasha to pay attention to us. Levi had his arms crossed and was looking up at me, and he knew that I knew exactly why he was looking at me like that, but I played dumb anyways.

"What?" I questioned in a tone that genuinely sounded clueless, I was a bit proud of how well I could feign ignorance when we both knew the situation.

"Don't 'what' me Eren you flat out ignored me, and its not the first time." His tone was hushed so that only I could hear him, though I don't think volume mattered all that much since Hanji was currently engaged in conversation and the guy in front of Levi looked like he didn't care about anything anymore, let alone a strangers conversation.

"We're not doing this right now." I made that much clear because I refused to take part in this conversation at the moment, not that I was ever willing to. He narrowed his eyes at me, which I took slight offence to even though I shouldn't.

"We are going to soon." The look in his eyes was deadly serious, but I knew that I would probably just find another way out of it when this spoken time comes.

"Can we drop this and not ruin what could potentially be a nice day?" I had to stop myself from running my fingers through my hair out of frustration, since the result would make matters worse.

He simply sighed, giving me another stare that was rather cold before turning around with his arms still crossed. His attitude offended me. While I could to an extent understand his frustration with me, that wasn't to say I approved of it. But I just let it be, deciding to not make a single comment on his attitude since I too had one of my own at the moment and opening my mouth right now would do no good.

"Alright listen up." Came a loud voice from the side of us. It was that one guard that I hate so much. Well, I hate all of them but seriously, fuck this guy in particular. I almost didn't want to listen to him. "You will all walk in a single file line, and if we see you break away from this line, you will be in solitary confinement for the next week. And if any of you try to run off while outside these walls, you will be sent to Mr. Smith's office to determine your punishment."

I sort of zoned out through the rest of the rant about the rules, but I got the gist of it. No running off, that was basically it. I wasn't stupid enough to attempt that so I didn't really pay it much mind since I wasn't even considering it and I still wasn't. I briefly wondered if anyone has ever attempted that, which I came to the conclusion that someone most likely has tried for them to be so strict about it.

We all were lead in a line through a few halls beyond the ward and down some stairs, guard's stayed all around us every step of the way. I kept my arms crossed and remained cautious of staying in line, the last thing I wanted was to be locked in solitary and I had the feeling that merely stepping an inch out of line would earn me that much. The rest of the hospital was just as white as the ward and the all to familiar overly sanitized smell clung to the air all around us. We passed a few nurses, but they didn't seem to pay is any mind.

We came to a stop at a pair of double doors in what appeared to be the back of the hospital, a beeping sound emitting as one of the guards scanned a card in the slot by the door followed by an unlocking sound. The doors were then pushed open, and for the first time I could actually see sunlight. I didn't get a actual good view since there were quite a few others in front of me but soon enough we were all lead out the doors.

It wasn't that great at all, just a somewhat large grassy field that was gated in with tall fencing that had barbwire on the top. Guards were already beginning to take their stands at various places around the edges and nothing was said after the doors closed behind us, I guess were left to do whatever. Though, there didn't seem to be much to do at all.

It was cold, but not as cold as I had expected. It must have been one of the warmer days of winter and it was only really cold when the wind blew. Beyond the gates it seemed to be nothing but woods, there was a lot of free land after the fencing ends and off in the distance was completely surrounded in tall trees, making it so that even if anyone managed to escape past the barbwire fences they could only run off into the woods really.

Everyone else had spread out and went about their own business, the sound of distant chatter filling the once quiet air. Levi remained by my side with his hands in his pockets, he was quiet for a while until I looked down at him. I wasn't sure where to go from there so I planned on simply following his actions. He looked up at me after a moment.

"I would honestly rather be inside right now." Was the first thing he said. How optimistic.

"Why?" I questioned, and he shrugged. It didn't seem like I would be getting a better answer.

Finally, he began walking to a fairly underpopulated section and I followed behind him. He seemed to still be in a bad mood, perhaps whatever was bothering him earlier still was. But I didn't want to piss him off by questioning him on it just yet since he was kind enough to drop the conversation about my eating a little bit ago. Though it still bothered me to a great extent.

When he came to a stop, I took a seat on the ground with my blanket across my lap and my legs criss crossed. I waited a few moments for him to join me, but he never did. Confused, I looked up besides me to find him glaring at me from above. I cocked my head slightly in a questioning manor.

"I don't want to sit there." He sounded literally offended. I almost let myself ask why before I realized. Right, he liked everything to be clean. I sighed.

"Christ Levi, its just grass." I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him and patted the ground next to me. "You can't just stand up the whole time."

"I have before." He crossed his arms and shifted his weight to one hip defiantly. I didn't understand the beg deal about sitting in the grass, but it seemed a bit petty. To me, of course.

"Please sit down, I want to talk to you." I avoided making any comments that would upset him, because honestly I didn't want to be arguing. I didn't know if he was mad at me or what, but I didn't like it.

"You cant talk to me while I stand up?" He was being difficult and I was close to just yanking him down, but that would definitely piss him off.

I sighed once more and looked up with a 'really?' look, hoping it would sway him to sit the fuck down but it didn't seem to do the trick.

"Fine then." I decided to play along, and hopefully eventually he'd give in. I looked away and rested my elbow on my knee, propping my chin in my palm and ignoring him.

It didn't take that long of silence until I finally heard the grass rustling besides me and he was sitting next to me in the same position. Satisfied, I looked over to him. He didn't seem comfortable with the situation, I could tell my the disgusted look on his face. Though the look faded little by little.

"Happy?" He sounded irritable and I didn't know if it was because I made him sit or he was just in that mood anyways.

"Very." I replied in a calmer tone, looking to end any tension. "Now, are you okay?" I asked.

He glanced over at me and shrugged, he didn't particularly look pleased but he didn't look really mad.

"Yeah I told you already. I was just upset because I didn't get a lot of sleep and I guess its effecting my mood." He replied and I wanted to call bull shit because I knew he wasn't acting odd earlier because of lack of sleep, but now wasn't the time to pry when he already seemed to be in a bad mood.

I nodded, willing to accept his excuse for at least the time being and say something later on in the day. Besides, now was not the place to ignite a deep conversation like that anyways. A cold breeze blew, sending a chill down my spine and causing me to shiver. I slipped my hands underneath the blanket in my lap and clasped them together, I knew they must be very cold to the touch but I couldn't quite tell myself.

Looking over to Levi, I notice that he too was cold. He noticeably tried to suppress the shiver but the look on his face gave away the discomfort I knew he felt. My blanket was fairly large and there was definitely enough to cover us both and then some. I briefly thought about if we could get in trouble for so much as sharing a blanket and if it would seem too close, but eventually I came to the conclusion that they can't say shit against it because its cold and they can't deny that, so it would be fine to share a blanket.

"Here." I said, offering up the end of the sheet for Levi to pull over his own lap. "Its really cold and i'd feel bad not sharing." 

As he reached out to accept the offer, his fingers brushed against mine and lingered for a few more moments than necessary before he gripped the edge and pulled it over to cover him too. He inched closer to me, though it was unneeded since the blanket was big enough that he didn't have to but I wasn't complaining at all. I had the urge to wrap my arms around him and hold him as close as possible, but I couldn't right now under watch and it was pretty frustrating.

"Eren.." He spoke after a few moments, his voice sounding a bit too serious for comfort. "i'm sorry for being short with you earlier."

I actually felt sorry that he felt sorry. I mean, he did have an attitude but so did I and at least his was justified. And even so I didn't think much of it, such minor disputes weren't worth dwelling over when I knew that we'd be just fine the very next minute because neither of us could stay upset with each other for more than ten minutes.. But apparently he was still thinking about it, and I just wanted to assure him that it didn't matter.

"Its fine, its not like I wasn't being snappy either." I shrugged it off like it was nothing, and really it was.

"I just don't want you to be upset with me or something." He said a bit more quietly, and I looked over at him once more. The fact that he was actually concerning himself over something like that was sad in itself, that he seriously thought I would get actually mad over something so little.

I looked around at each guard to make sure that their attention wasn't on us, and then snuck a quick peck to his cheek, which obviously surprised him since I saw his eyes widen slightly and he immediately looked around to see if anyone saw. I too double checked to make sure my actions went unnoticed, and once we were in the clear I grabbed his hand and pulled it underneath the sheet that covered us, intertwining our fingers where no one could see.

"I'm not upset, I promise." I gave his hand a little squeeze as I spoke, his hand was so surprisingly warm even in the cold weather.

"What if someone saw that?" He questioned, and then the odd mood he'd seemed to be in suddenly disappeared and he was acting like his normal self once again, i'd like to think that I played a part in that.

"No one did." I couldn't help but smile ever so slightly as I shrugged it off.

He sighed, but the way he squeezed my hand lightly underneath the blanket old me that he didn't really care. I could feel my hand warming slightly in his, and I was a bit surprised he didn't comment on my cool hands. I also briefly wondered how his hands could remain warm in such cold conditions.

While it was nice to see the sun, it was also pretty boring to just sit out here like this. There wasn't anything to do but talk, which I suppose isn't bad since that's what we do all day anyways but it was sort of depressing to sit out here and know that beyond a barrier that's right in front of me is freedom that I know I can't have, so easy yet impossible to obtain.

"It sucks to know that we're this close to the outside world but were not aloud to leave, right?" Said Levi, seeming to simply read my mind as I stared off at the grassy field that faded into woods beyond the fencing.

"Yeah, it really does." I nodded in agreement because he had said exactly what I was thinking. "But even if I somehow managed to get out, its not like I would have a life to return to." It may have come out a bit more depressive than I had intended, but it was true. I couldn't help but think everyone had just forgotten about me and was living much better lives without me there to bother them.

"I know what you mean." He mumbled with a sigh. "My parents would never accept me back after what I did, they didn't like me to begin with so that just makes it worse."

I was suddenly reminded of just what he had done after he said that. It was such an easy thing to forget, I've never seen an honest and truly malicious side of Levi that I knew had to be there for him to be capable of killing but it just didn't seem like him. But I suppose everyone has a breaking point and he'd obviously hit his. But I was really no different, I had also taken a life and while it wasn't exactly intentional it was all the same so I pushed those thoughts out of my head.

I knew the conversation was heading to bad places from there, so I decided that I had to steer it. I didn't want Levi reflecting on such things and letting it get him upset, because I knew he'd start over thinking and put himself in another bad mood and I didn't want that. On the subject of his parents, I went off of the first thing that came to mind to distract form the other topic at hand.

"You know, you told me that you can speak french but you've never actually showed me." I breached the new far more   
lighthearted subject with a lighter tone, intending to drop the other subject all together.

"What you don't believe that I can?" He looked over to me, but the little air of playfulness in his tone told me that he wasn't serious, but I replied anyways.

"No, I do. But I just wanna hear it." I was so relieved to see the tension drop from his demeanor as he willingly accepted the new topic.

"Fine then, what do you want me to say." He questioned, looking up into my eyes with his beautiful blue ones.

I took the question into consideration for a moment, I had never thought of it before hand since I simply asked the first thing that came to mind but that wasn't to say I wasn't extremely curious. Though, I didn't know exactly what phrase I would like to hear on a foreign tongue.

"I don't know." I said. "Just whatever you want, I guess." I honestly had no answer for his question so I figured him deciding would be best. 

I could see clearly on his face that he was thinking right after I replied, and I was awaiting his response eagerly. He thought for a few moments before his face lit back up and he locked eyes with me once more, a hint of amusement behind them.

"Je t'aime plus que la vie en elle-même." The words flowed from his tongue so naturally and I couldn't help but notice the very faint pink dust across his otherwise pale cheeks.

I was in slight awe at how perfectly the language seemed to fit him, even though I didn't know what he was saying. The French language sounded beautiful, and he was beautiful so they went hand in hand. I smiled slightly, feeling my face heat up a bit for some reason I didn't understand.

"What does it mean?" I questioned softly after a few awestruck moments. I noticed the corners of his lips upturn slightly as he looked away.

"Nothing that you don't already know." The small smile on those perfect lips grew just a bit and he squeezed my hand slightly, causing my heart to flutter in my chest and a subconscious smile to take over my own lips.

"If its something I already know then why not tell me?" I was content for the most part with the answer I got but the stubborn side of me still wanted to know badly.

He gazed over at me once more, a mischievous gleam behind his eyes that was rarely ever there accompanying the matching smirk he wore across his lips.

"Parce que je ne suis pas particulièrement friands de dire des choses comme ça à voix haute" He spoke in the beautiful yet complex sounding language once more, the look on his face telling me that he was enjoying the fact that I had no earthly clue what he was saying. But even so, my heart did a little flip as I listened to the words flow off of his tongue so naturally.

"Okay now what does that mean?" I asked a bit playfully, Levis lighthearted demeanor rubbing off on me. I had even tried paying attention to each word to see if they resembled anything in English, but to no avail.

"I'll tell you later." He dismissed with a little wave and short laugh, and I made a mental note to hold him to that. I was really curious and I knew he'd probably expect me to forget.

The mood had shifted surprisingly fast, after what had happened I hadn't expected him to suddenly switch to such a good mood so quickly. I wasn't arguing, though. I loved seeing him acting happily, which he rarely ever did even when he's just around me. Seeing him happy was often enough to lift my own mood, that being said I had forgotten about the weakness in my bones and the slight throbbing in my head for the time being.

"Your lucky I can't speak another language because i'd say things and then not tell you what they mean too." I teased and crossed my arms, though the small smile on my lips gave away that I wasn't serious.

"Its actually more fun than I thought," He spoke, and I found myself momentarily mesmerized by the way his wind blew his raven hair around the frame of his soft features, though the chill it brought soon pulled me back to reality. "watching your face while you try to figure out what I was saying, it was actually pretty cute."

I figured he caught on to that. My face heated slightly at the word 'cute'. I'd never quite been called something like that and I didn't know if I should be embarrassed or really happy. Apparently, my heart decided on both. The slight upturn of his lips returned as he noticed the light blush across my face, and the way he was gazing into my eyes was making it hard to resist the urge to kiss him. It seemed he was fighting the same urge, since he turned his head away and blinked with a sigh.

"I wish we weren't here." He spoke in a softer tone that had noticeably shifted from before, and not in a good way. I too sighed and looked up at the cloudy sky that was about as bright as out situation.

"I know, its really cold." I replied with a less dreary tone, hoping to pull his up too.

"No I mean here in general. We could have been happy if we met before any of this happened to us." The subject was suddenly steering in a darker direction, and I didn't want Levi to be upset by thinking but there was a chance that he was making an attempt to talk about what was weighing on his mind. So I partook in the conversation.

"Aren't we already happy? Well I mean for the most part." The answer was no, at least I wasn't but I had the feeling that he wasn't either. 

Actually I knew he wasn't, he told me how he really felt and it was heartbreaking. But our unhappiness had nothing to do with one another, it had to do with our inner demons and in reality if we weren't in here we could probably get real help and fix our self's. So he did have a point, but I didn't want to just agree to that, I wanted to provide some sort of bright side to the situation. Though for us there really wasn't one other than the fact we had each other, which could be ripped away just as easily as our old lives.

"Yeah I guess but not really. I don't know, sometimes I just think about how much easier it would be if we met under different circumstances." He drawled as he gazed of into the woods ahead of us.

When I actually thought about it, the fact that we'd most likely stay here forever was a hard pill to swallow, and that's why I preferred not to let my mind wander off to that thought. Though i'd only been here for a matter of months while he had been for years, and I could imagine that the desire to be free grows stronger and stronger as time passes. 

It made me feel better to sometimes hang on to the tiniest thread of hope that this place would shut down or something eventually, but even if it did that could happen when we're old men. That being said I understood exactly what he meant. We were both happy to have one another but we couldn't truly be happy if we weren't provided the tools to fix our broken minds and souls that freedom beyond this place would give. We were left to achieve that on our own, and that was nearly if not completely impossible.

"I know what you mean, but its our plight. You shouldn't think about it." Okay, that was kinda dumb.

"I can't just not think about it when I've been here for-fucking-ever, and knowing that I have to live out the rest of my life here. It really fucking sucks." That was a bit of an understatement. He ran his slender fingers up through his silky hair as he spoke with highlights of frustration peaking through his tone.

It would seem every time we talk about anything, it finds its way into darker areas. I suppose that it shouldn't come as a surprise since there wasn't hardly anything happy to talk about but it still bothered me because I could see that it bothered Levi. Maybe to an extent I was still in denial about being here forever, but it looks like it has fully sunken in with him and he was just now expressing it fully to me.

"Lets say you didn't meet me here, like what if you met me on the streets or something?" I once again shifted the subject because I felt it was beginning to weigh a bit too heavy on his mind, I wasn't sure if this too would get deep but it was worth a shot of lightening the mood. "Would you still be interested in me?"

Levi stayed silent for a few moments, appearing to take a breather from the previous heavy subject and attempt to lighten up a bit for the hopefully brighter new one. He sighed lightly and looked over to me once more, the tensed expression of pain still faintly playing across his features.

"First of all I never went outside for that to possibly happen." He remarked a bit stubbornly, flipping a piece of jet black hair from his face.

I rolled my eyes a bit at the lack of proper response that in actuality I should have expected from him, and decided to rephrase the question.

"Okay but what if this is the one day you did go outside and you just so happened to pass me, and I tried to talk to you." I reworded the scenario, suddenly actually interested in an answer.

"It depends on what age we're talking about here because I got more and more bitter with time." He countered with another question.

I stopped to think for a minute, taking his timeline into consideration to make sure I don't say an age he was already locked up at and picking the one before he was. I shifted my position before continuing, choosing to sit on my hip facing towards him and slipping my other hand underneath the blanket and resting it on the other side of his, mostly because my hand was beginning to get really cold and I needed to feel the warmth.

"Your 16 and i'm 15." I set the scenario more specifically this time.

I noticed a slight change in his facial expression when I laid my surly freezing hand on his warm one, but it all faded back to his usual indifference a moment later and then he too placed his other hand over the cold one before speaking.

"Oh bad time then, that's when I was at the peak of my bitterness so I would probably tell you to fuck off and walk away." He replied, and actually that wasn't much of a different response than he initially gave me in reality. 

I took a moment to thank every higher power that we were in an isolated area and on top of that we were room mates so I had multiple shots of pestering my way into his heart. If the case was different like the scenario I had set, if he had walked away from me a second after meeting I could have never had him to begin with. It was scary to think about life without him, even though its only been months and I went my whole life without him somehow he fit perfectly by my side and I couldn't imagine him not there.

"Okay then your 15 and i'm 14." I reset it, recalling that 16 was when he came out to his parents and the shunned him and assuming 15 would be a at least slightly better time.

"That would be better. I think if I met you at that time after I got over the initial shock of someone talking to me, believe it or not i'd probably actually hang around you. I was a lot more innocent back then when I had parents." There was a certain darkness that hung to each word of his last sentence, and he almost made it seem as if he didn't have parents. Though I suppose he really didn't because your no parent if you can that easily give up on your kid.

"It would be nice if we met back then." I sighed lightly, briefly letting thoughts of how much better off we'd be if it was the case.

A short silence hung in the air as we both thought of it I could have introduced him to Mikasa and Armin and he could have made friends. We could have saved each other from our self's. But sometimes life doesn't work in our favor.

"Well its not like if we did our lives would suddenly be lollipops and rainbows, because at that time i'd probably think it would be okay to tell my parents about you and then the same thing would happen but only a year earlier this time. They's keep me from seeing you or some shit." He took a more depressing route in the conversation that in the end, was the truth. But we would still be better off that way, we could find ways around it.

"Don't they say true love always finds a way?" I said the first not depressing thing that came to mind and immediately regretted how cliche it sounded leaving my mouth.

I heard him scoff as he rolled his eyes at the crappy line, but no matter how crappy it would have been true. Had we been in a different situation, there would always be the future for us to find our way to each other.

"Seriously that's so fucking cheesy, and it wouldn't be that simple." Oh but it would, if only.

I wasn't sure why I was entertaining myself with these thought of how different things could have been, I guess it was just happier thing to talk about at the moment but it would ultimately lead to sadness after it sinks in that its the perfect reality we could never have. Still, at the moment it was fun to talk about and play pretend for a little bit.

"We could have ran away." I stated the first unlikely situation that popped into my head.

That was a fun thought to entertain, being rebellious teenagers and running off hand in hand away from our shitty life's and somehow starting new fairy tale ones. It was hard to realistically imagine but still fun and most likely something we'd be young and dumb enough to attempt.

"Really come on the all the cliche shit. That wouldn't happen." He stated blankly, he spoke the truth but that was no fun.

"Come on Levi, have an imagination." He rolled his eyes at me and I couldn't help but laugh lightly, finding his reaction amusing and most of all noticing the slight spark of playfulness that was forming behind his eyes.

"Oh sure, we'd run away from our shit and somehow manage to make it to the next town over, bum some money on the streets, and ultimately end up with a luxury life style as we ride off into the sunset." His every word was practically dripping in sarcasm, but at least he wasn't in a shit mood.

"That's the spirit!" I commented with obviously feigned excitement, bumping his shoulder lightly with mine to emphasis my point.

He rolled his eyes once more at me and looked away, trying though failing to hide the little smile that crept across his lips. I learned how to notice subtle little things like that with him, after being with him for so long it was either I learn how to pick up on things like that or go through the day not knowing what the hell he's thinking, though it was a skill that almost seemed to come naturally after he and I got together.

The rest of our time was spent exactly how the rest of it was, talking about dumb things that more often than not took dark turns that I opted to change with slight subject shifts in favor of not letting him get upset. That role switched off between us depending on the day, and today was a day that I was in a particularly better mood than he was so it was my job to keep him from falling into a depressed state. And if I do say so myself, it appeared I did fairly well.

It was a hard task not touching each other through all those hours we were kept under watch, and since we spent all these hours normally clinging to each other time passed slower because all we had to do was talk with no contact, which got boring at times needless to say. Although I was willing to settle for just holding his hand for the time being, knowing that soon enough we'd be back to our room.

But not before we had to have dinner. I wanted the day outside to be done with since I was over the sunlight about 20 minutes in, I mean it was nice to see and all since I wont for a while but I always preferred staying inside anyways. However I was dreading having to go inside and figure a plan out for how i'm going to avoid eating and still slip under Levis radar last minute like almost always. I was mostly never smart enough to devise a plan ahead of time.

What made it even worse was the fact that I had a gut feeling that shit was going to break soon and i'd be legit and seriously confronted on my little problem because as much as I avoided admitting, it was getting worse. Headaches were a normal thing as were hunger pains, and the dizziness and weakness was constant. It didn't come as a shock that multiple times today I had to hide the extreme pained expression that threatened to take over my face as hunger pains made their way through me and made me want to lay down and cry.

All these things and more were things I was willing to deal with but soon i'd be called on it and if that happens everything goes to shit. Because if I keep denying things to him and shutting him out, it could damage our relationship but if I could somehow manage to find it in me to get better I would have to deal with the guilt and shame of doing nothing to achieve the image that I want for myself and him. Ultimately I was doing the both of us a favor but he was so keen on not letting that happen. I couldn't bring myself to understand why he would want a fat boyfriend, but that's what it would seem.

Though I suppose I wasn't 'fat' per se at this moment to anyone else because my bones were becoming visible but it still wasn't good enough. I made progress and became less fat, but I still saw fat. He was definitely noticing the weight loss too since he had said something about it a few times when I was shirtless or something. I couldn't help but take a sick pride in it, though.

A sickening feeling settled in the hallow pit of my stomach as we were all rounded up like cattle and set into lines to venture back into the building that was our hell. My hand had been left surprisingly warm from where Levi had held onto it the whole time and I made a point to savor the feeling before the bone chilling cold set back in. And it was already beginning to just as we stepped inside.

The knot grew more and more the closer we got to our destination, and I tried to use my time wisely. I tried to think about what I was going to do in the short time it took to get back to the ward but I honestly had absolutely no idea. Either way I was fucked. If I eat I get fat and if I don't Levi will say something. There was always the option of eating and then going to the bathroom afterwards but sooner or later not only would Levi catch on to that too but i'd end up seriously damaging something. I didn't know the facts but doing it as often as I made a habit of couldn't be good.

I decided that regardless it was maybe not the smartest option but it was the best option for me, so I stuck with that thought as we entered that dreadful fucking white room with the filth food that I would have to bring myself to consume. It wasn't too good to begin with, and as anyone could imagine it taste worse coming up  
.  
I glared hatefully down at the food that was now in front of me. Levi had seemed pleased when I filled the plate considerably. There was also cookies available and he tried a bit too hard to get me to take one, even begged, but in the end I absolutely refused. This much was bad enough as it was, and looking at other peoples proportions it wasn't a lot at all. But it was to me. On the side of each of our plates sat a little cup containing two pills that a sweet looking nurse distributed to each of us.

The schedule in which these things were distributed was extremely unpredictable and lacked any sort of pattern, sometimes we got them everyday for weeks and sometimes we only got them once a week. I had simply began to believe that they were given out at anytime that was convenient for them. There was no rush anyway, we had forever for the effects to take place no matter how inconsistently they are given. though none of us at this table at least are stupid enough to take them.

Levi and I slipped both the blue and white pills into our pockets as did the others to toss into the pillowcase under Levis bed. Luckily no one watched us take them, it would be an issue if they had. But once that was all taken care of I was left to focus on the main task at hand. Eating.

I knew i was going to have a shit time with this when the very first bite was hard to swallow, but it often was. Mentally I was somehow able to convince my body to attempt to reject the food even when I was actually trying to eat this time. I was spared a few particularly pleased glances from Levi as I ate at the fastest pace I could manage, Which was only slightly faster than the others. I left behind maybe three bites, as I had made it a habit to and I now did it without even thinking.

I tried to wait a little bit to excuse myself, but the urge to get it out of my body was growing too strong. seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours, so I only ended up waiting maybe two minutes if that to run off to the bathroom. I was excused without a second glance and if it hadn't been for my weakness and difficulty walking alone I would have ran.

As soon as I was confined behind the locked door of the sanitary white room I knew so well and actually began to grow fond of, I dropped to my knees and immediately began shoving my fingers as far down as I could as fast as I could. It was starting to grow harder to even gag as time of me doing this passed and it took a second try for me to get anything up, but after that I had a pretty easy time.

A few minutes passed and I was finished. I slumped back against the wall and panted to regain my breath that i had deprived myself of in the process of getting everything up as fast as I possibly could. I disregarded the filth around my mouth and my fingers for the time being to even my breathing out, and then I would take care of that. Though time wasn't something I had an abundance of so I was soon forced to push myself to my shaky feet and stumble over to the sink.

I had flushed once and let that go down as I first washed my hands off and then my face, rinsing my mouth out too in the process. I shook my hands dry and patted my chin dry with the bottom of my shirt, though that proved to be not the best idea to do in front of a mirror as my eyes were caught on the reflection of my stomach. I simply glared at the image for a few moments before letting my shirt drop, the sudden urge to cry was beginning to take over but I couldn't do that, not now.

So I shoved all emotion deep down to be dealt with later, shaking my head and pretending I didn't feel like shoving my fingers down my throat until absolutely everything possible to get up is gone as I flushed the toilet once more and then again to be extra safe, not that it would really matter unless Levi were to come in after me.

I pulled my sleeved down past my knuckles that had gotten red and slightly swollen from where my teeth constantly hit before I unlocked the door and stepped out, hiding any emotion from my face and walking as casually as possible back to the table even though I felt like my legs would give out any minute. It was such a relief to sit down and feel the pressure being lifted from my feet.

I had made a point to get juice instead of water today, though I didn't drink much of it. I only got it to wash the bad taste and some of the smell from my mouth after I get back, while any other time I just get water and drink all of it to get the allusion of being full for a little while. I swished the fruity drink around my mouth for a second before swallowing, and even though it was just a little bit I still regretted it.

I wasn't questioned, I never was and that made me glad. Everyone simply welcomes me back like nothing happened and as far as they know, nothing did. Now that thankfully the worst was over, I was left to swirl the drink around in my glass idly and wait for the end of dinner to be called. And luckily for me, I didn't have to wait long. Had the wait been any longer I probably would have let myself get lost in self loathing thoughts, but I was saved just in time.

As always walking was a task that got progressively harder and harder with time and I just wanted to get to bed as fast as possible. But I still had to be bothered with the task of getting dressed too before bed, which I nearly groaned at the thought of. Finally when we found our self's standing behind the locked door of our room, I was greatly relieved that the day was over and I could relax. More importantly, relax in Levis arms. Right after I get changing out of the way.

I did so as fast as I could with my strength levels, so not very fast given that it was hard to lift my arms above my head for extended periods of time. But once I had finally wrestled a new baggy and considerably thin shirt over my head along with some equally loose sweats I felt ultimate relief. I was so ready to just lay down.

Though I was greeted with something slightly more pleasant, just as I turned around a pair of arms were thrown around me and lips connected to mine. It was just then that I realized the extent of how much I missed his touch. But then I panicked slightly at the remembrance of my previous actions and how that could lead to my mouth not tasting the best, but the panic disappeared when I realized that the kiss had innocent intentions and would remain closed mouth.

I wrapped my arms around him and held lightly onto his sides to keep my arms up, otherwise they would fall from not being able to support themselves. The kiss itself was short, though his soft lips lingered near my own for a little while as we simply basked in the feeling of being able to hold each other once more, and I found myself actually lost in the moment. My mind had cleared itself of all the bullshit that was previously running through it and replaced with Levi.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that today." He said in a soft and content voice, his hand trailing up my back to play with the small hairs at the base of my neck. I couldn't fight the smile that formed on my lips.

"Oh I think I do." I countered in a similar voice, mine reflecting the smile that grew more and more. So rarely did I ever truly smile, and it was always because of him.

We didn't stay as we were for very long, although it was a nice position to be in I think we were both as ready as ever to just get to bed, because this day in particular seemed to be one of the tiring ones. I felt my eyelids wanting to close on me almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, and the weight got even heavier as Levi pulled me against his chest.

I sighed contently, loving how his warmth radiated and kept me too somewhat warm. I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled my face against the fabric of his shirt, our legs finding their way to tangle with each other in an effort to get as close as possible to make up for lost time today. I let my eyes slip shut because I couldn't fight it anymore, and I knew it wouldn't be long until I was out, and the gentle hand rubbing small relaxing circles on my back didn't help my half assed futile attempt to remain conscious for at least a few minutes.

I was falling asleep as soon as my eyes closed, and the tempting bliss of rest was pulling me under fast. And the last thing I can remember hearing were Levis gentle words being whispered in my ear. I couldn't quite understand it, but I knew it comforted me and sent me beyond the boundary of sleep.

"Je t'aime, Eren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we can all agree that everyone is a million percent done with Erens brushing Levi off. Don't worry, that will be fixed soon. The next chapter will be in Levi's POV and may be a bit short, but I always say that and it ends up over 15k words. I have a problem with that so that's why I say MAY. But yeah we'll get to see Levis take on everything and get a bit of understanding with why he hasn't legitimately and firmly confronted Eren. I hope this wasn't too crappy! And I hope you guys enjoyed regardless, and if you did please leave a comment. I've also been lacking inspiration lately and hearing you guys say that you actually enjoy it makes me so so happy! Until next update!~ (Hopefully a lot sooner than this one)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My laziness is becoming a problem, obviously. I'm sorry if this is still pretty late! I have no excuses this time, just lack of motivation. However I think its worth mentioning that I have a ereri High school AU in the works but i'm not posting it until i'm finished with this one. But the point being i'm prewritting some chapters of it, which is a skill I just now acquired because i'm stupid, and late updates shouldn't be a big issue when I move onto it. So yeah, this chapter is in Levi's POV and we can finally see his take on all this shit with Eren and how it effects him. Its fairly shorter than my other chapters and idk if I should be proud or sad.  
> ALSO I wanted to tell you guys that I've actually decided to do something with my twitter account that is ages old and use it to tweet random shit that comes to mind and maybe talk about when my fic updates are coming or if i'm being held up for some reason, but only that last one if a few of you guys follow me or it would be defeating the purpose. I follow back everyone and I will literally marry you if you follow me. If your interested, its @Levi_Gaychou  
> Ah what a long ass note, anyways Enjoy~

Levi's POV

I never thought I would ever love someone as much as I love him, I suppose I simply always assumed I was the kind of person to never love or be loved by anyone and for the most part, I came to terms with what I thought to be a simple harsh fact. Then he came along and weakened me with the vulnerability that came with love, though at the same time he blessed me with the assurance and sometimes even pure happiness that also came with it.

While I didn't want to ever imagine losing him, I had to because at the point we were at, it was an outcome that wasn't very unlikely. And if that became reality, the happiness and assurance that I was so lucky to find again would be forcibly torn away from me just like before and I would be left an empty shell with not even my half beating heart that he'd surely take with him.  
I bothered myself with the thoughts day and night, any chance I was given to slip into the sea of negativity that constantly clouded some part of my mind. I couldn't help it, it bothered me so much and at this point I just couldn't get the fact that I may lose him off my mind. I often thought about it at night as I hold him tightly in my arms, just how easy it would be for him to never be there laying next to me again. The thoughts kept me up nearly all night, and last night was no exception.

I was laying awake on my back with Erens fragile body curled up at my side when the sound of the heavy room door unlocking its many locks and being opened echoed through the small white room. I kept my eyes shut, attempting to feign sleep as I often did in order not to worry Eren. It worked most of the time, but I got the feeling that he was beginning to not buy it.

I scrunched my face up before opening my eyes once Hanjis shrill voice reached my ears and tried to act as though I had just woken up as believably as possible, which wasn't too hard because I actually was very tired and I didn't have to act much. I felt the brittle body next to me begin to stir slowly, and I could feel his arms shaking as he noticeably struggled to push himself up on one arm, noticeable to me at least. Perhaps he didn't think so but I have noticed how weak he's gotten, in facts it was impossible for me not to notice.

"Time to get up guys!" Hanji chimed so happily, completely unaware of the suffering I knew Eren was going through.

I sighed deeply and pushed myself up in a sitting position and glared at her as intimidatingly as possible, which was pretty intimidating yet it never seemed to faze her to my displeasure. Eren leaned against me, leaving me to support his full weight which was alarmingly low. Surprisingly, Hanji seemed to somehow understand that this was not the morning for her teasing and thankfully left with a simple 'get going' and with that the door was shut and we were left in silence.

I wrapped my arm around him without really thinking, it was just an instinct at this point though my heart dropped when I became aware of how I could clearly feel his ribs through his shirt underneath my fingertips. I knew how bad he was getting, but this was too bad. I needed to somehow put a stop to this, I was the only one who potentially could but I knew of no way I could go about bringing it up without him biting my head off and doing everything to get me to drop it, including flat out ignoring me for extended periods of time until I change the subject.

"How did you sleep?" I broke the total silence and forced back all the pain I felt at the moment. The fact that he was hurting himself hurt me and the fact he wouldn't let me do anything scared me to fucking death.

"Good I guess, and you?" His voice held a rasp that seemed to come and go with him, though it had been a lot more prominent lately. I wasn't sure why, but I assumed it had something to do with him not eating. It had to have.

"I slept alright." I lied, only half expecting him to believe me. He wasn't stupid, he could figure out a pattern.

"Don't lie Levi I can tell you didn't." He moved away from me a bit to look into my eyes, and my gut turned when my eyes fell on the cheekbones that were becoming more and more visible.

The fact that he was trying to help me with my problems when he was in such a state physically hurt, a wave of pain coursed through my chest and nearly made me physically wince. Honestly, how the fuck has no one else noticed how sick he was beginning to look? And yet he was trying to help me, but what he doesn't understand is whats wrong with me is i'm growing more and more terrified of losing him the worse his disorder gets. I had so many demons and sometimes they screamed so loud that I think I can't take it anymore, but hes always there to make everything okay and whats worrying me sick is the thought of losing that. My sanity is dependent on him.

"I slept better last night than I did the night before." I stubbornly threw out another lie, gently removing his weight from me and standing up.

I glanced over my shoulder, observing the way he had to pause after he himself stood, resting a hand on the nightstand for quite a few seconds before he slowly made his way to his dresser. It was so painfully obvious how weak he was becoming, and he had began getting worse at hiding it. I figured because he couldn't, it was that bad.

"You know you can talk to me." He stated as if absolutely nothing was wrong with he himself and he wasn't supporting himself on his dresser as he struggled to simply pull the drawer out.

I pursed my lips for a moment, biting back everything I was tempted to say. I wanted to straight up bring up his own problems but if there's something I've learned, its that it does me no good to recklessly confront him and try to force information. Though even when I was gentle about it, I still ended up having to change the subject or getting yelled at and ignored until I changed the subject.

"I should be saying that to you." I settled for saying, knowing that he would know exactly what I was talking about but it wasn't clear enough for him to get upset over.

He said nothing after that, something he did often to avoid a topic he didn't want to participate in conversing over. I had to hold in a sigh of frustration. It was both exasperating and saddening trying to deal with him when it came to the way he feels or anything that has to do with his problems in general. I wanted to grip him by the shoulders and force him to just let me help him but I knew better than to even think to attempt that. That would do nothing but make matters worse, but it would seem no matter how I go about it, it always somehow gets worse.

The immature side of me took over and I too stayed silent as I dressed myself in a new outfit, I had gotten so good at controlling my attitude with him but I couldn't help but break a bit when he so outright provokes me. I felt selfish for letting that side take over but I couldn't help it. I knew it was wrong to get upset when he wouldn't tell me anything but he's done it so much that it was really starting to get to me.

"Are you just going to ignore me all day now?" I forced myself to speak up because I knew playing along with the silent game would get me no where and I put every ounce of my power to keeping the attitude out of my tone, but still managed to fail. Old habits were hard to break fully, I suppose.

"I'm not ignoring you, I just had nothing left to say." He shrugged, his voice adopting a monotone that was never like him yet he used more and more often lately in subjects like this. It bothers me because I do that, and when I do that it means i'm shutting whoever i'm talking to out.

"Don't." I spoke as I began to approach him, pulling down the end of my shirt to straighten it out after I had pulled it on. He too had just finished dressing in a baggy outfit that hid his too thin figure. "Just don't."

I encircled my arms around him in a tight embrace, my heart dropping once again once I was able to feel how thin he was through the shirt. My arms wrapped fully around him and then some, but I avoided showing the shock in any way because that would make him more upset, and that's exactly what I was trying to fix. I was so revealed when I felt his arms slowly rise and wrap around my shoulders

"Don't what?" He questioned, his tone holding far less irritation, hopefully indicating that my efforts to end any tension worked.

"Don't get all upset with me and shut me out, i'm not trying to argue. I'm just concerned." I didn't want to hear what he had to say after that, because I knew it would be something like 'you have nothing to be concerned about, i'm fine' or something along the lines of that. We both knew it was bullshit and the fact he still tried to use that worn excuse bothered me deeply.

So I chose to silence him with a kiss before he could open his mouth to reply, well that was part of the reason I did it. A bigger part of it was the fact that I just needed to kiss him and hold him if only just for a few seconds. I needed to feel him kissing me back and holding me so that I know everything is okay, I hate arguing with him and spats like this were becoming very common. They didn't seem so big but they had the potential to become serious if it wasn't for me immediately trying to make it all better.

And of course that means I have to drop what I was talking about, and its almost always something to do with his eating or something he knew would lead to that. If I don't drop it, god knows how long he can stay mad at me and the last thing I want is to let it ruin us. But my options were getting very limited with time, and at this point I had two and both could end very badly. But it was all I had.

I gently placed my hand on his cool to the touch face and without really thinking brushed my thumb across his defined cheek bone that had not always been so prominent. The fact that I could feel him albeit a bit reluctantly responding to the kiss brought me to assume that all was forgiven for the moment at the price of me yet again giving him his way and pushing the unwanted subject aside, but at least he wasn't upset.

But unfortunately the moment of calm couldn't last nearly as long as either of us would like, with time not being of abundance we had to get going not more than a few moments after he was in my arms and our lips touched. Very reluctantly, I pulled away although allowing myself to linger close to his face, scanning my eyes over the destruction he had caused himself. He was beginning to look so different, almost as if he wasn't even alive or at least in the process. Which, I hate to admit, but he was in fact on his way to such a fate if I didn't do something.

"Come on, lets go." I said in a soft tone that I didn't have control over, still in a momentary feeling of numbness brought upon by the horrific realization.

I left no evidence of what I was thinking besides the slight shift in my tone that he may or may not have picked up on, my face had become impassive in an attempt to hide how I felt although the change in expression wasn't conscious, it was simply habit. Holding the door open for him, I let myself begin to think since it was obvious that Eren wasn't speaking normally let alone lightheartedly at least until after breakfast.

I attempted to shake away my own sadness that I felt, reminding myself that he had to be my main focus and I couldn't allow myself to slip into the darkness of the bout of depression that beckoned me in my clouded mind. It was hard not to let myself get upset over this, actually it was impossible. He was literally dying slowly and he wouldn't let me do anything about it. I began to mentally panic a bit, it fully occurring once more how easily he could be gone if I didn't figure something out.

I barley registered that we were at our destination until I found myself standing next to Eren as he poured far less than half of a normal proportion of cereal into his bowl. I knew it would probably be useless to say anything, but I had to because the thought that I might not be able to soon scared the hell out of me. He was only going to get hostile, but in the end its worth a shot.

"That's it?" I willed my voice to be as loud as I could get it to be heard above the rest of the chatter surrounding us. He looked at me for a split second before stubbornly looking back down as he added milk.

"What do you mean?" The fact that he could play dumb so effortlessly and so damn convincingly amazed me, but we both knew he knew exactly what I meant.

"I mean that's all your eating?" knowing his eating patterns, he probably wouldn't eat even that much. "Its like five bites Eren."

And then came the look that I knew was going to come, he glanced over at me with a look that said 'drop it now' that he always gave me. I was expecting it and for the most part I've become immune to how bitingly cold it was although I couldn't help the part of me that was still hurt by it.

"Levi don't." He warned, maintaining eye contact with that very same look remaining on his features.

"Please just a little more than that, you can't keep getting by like this." I practically begged him, honestly I didn't understand why he wouldn't just listen to me to save himself but I couldn't question it since I knew it was something I know nothing of. I knew self hate like the back of my hand, but to go this far was beyond my understanding.

"I can and I will." He knitted his eyebrows as he collected his things, then walking away before I could even think of opening my mouth. Okay, perhaps that was the wrong choice of words.

"Eren, wait!" I whisper yelled after him, knowing better than to raise my voice since that would indicate to the others something was wrong and it would make things worse if anyone else began questioning Eren.

He didn't hear me, and if he did he ignored me. Although I didn't doubt the latter much at all, which is why I wasn't surprised. It always ended like this, he absolutely refused to let me talk about this for more than a minute and I always let it go in fear of him getting too upset with me and even though I knew it was unlikely I was scared he'd leave me or something.

And that was my conflict here that I just couldn't figure out what to do with. If I let him be, he will eventually end up gone. But if I kept trying and trying to get him to accept my help he could just get so frustrated with it and simply leave me and keep doing what hes doing, and ultimately end up the same way. I didn't know which one was more terrifying, for him to die with me or for him to die hating me. The thought of him dying in general was enough to make me want to cry.

With a heavy sigh, I fixed myself a breakfast that was the right and healthy amount for a normal person and set off to take my seat next to my surely irate boyfriend. I couldn't imagine skipping meals as often as he does, which added to my lack of understanding but as I said, I suppose I will never understand that sort of thing.

He payed me no mind at all as I sat down next to him, he simply continued on with a conversation with Hanji that he'd been engaged in before my arrival. But I knew he couldn't have actually been listening, his mind wasn't in it. I could tell by how hims responses to her were short and vaguely identifiable with whatever she was on about. He was smart, he used talking to others as both a distraction from the fact he wasn't eating and to keep me from being able to get his attention at all. That I had long ago figured out.

The lengths he would go to to even simply avoid making eye contact with me at anytime while were in the dinning room was astonishing and extremely concerning. In the beginning I didn't believe how stubborn he could be, but I wasn't even surprised anymore. He was too good at covering up his lies even when they were right in front of your face, and if I wasn't too busy being deathly worried over it I actually would have been impressed with the ability.

Regardless, I kept my eyes on him near constantly, observing his action as I often did. I found that he has not eaten at all since he had sat down, I could tell that there was the same amount of food in his bowl that was there to begin with. But it was only slightly shifted from the way he would lift the spoon to his mouth right before he would say something and drop it back down or just stir the contents around as he spoke. He knew what he was doing, and that made it all so much worse.

But even with how good he was with optically tricking everyone into thinking he was eating fine, I still didn't see how they didn't notice how bad he was starting to look. I figured maybe I was the only one that cared enough to pay that much attention, but it was still so obvious. I could see how no one did when the effects were only on parts of his body that he easily hid but now the evidence was in his face and it was getting worse.

But he put on a damn good act, and the fact that I was the only person at the table that saw through the shit that everyone else was buying bothered me to the core. But even so he was a fucking mentally ill patient, shouldn't someone be concerned with how he was acting like he didn't have a problem in the world? Apparently not.

Breakfast was almost over by now and he hasn't eaten a single bite. I had tried kicking him lightly under the table to get his attention a few times but all that got me was a simple split second sideways glance and no further reaction. I gritted my teeth at his stubbornness. Though I was getting more and more worried the closer the end of breakfast came, because if my observations were correct he hasn't eaten so much as a bite for two days and now he was going on three.

That was absolutely fucking extreme and how he made it half a day without eating was beyond me, but the painful part was the fact that I know hes gone longer. I wasn't stupid, I knew his game for a long while now but I didn't bring it up nearly as much as I knew I should. Again, because every time I did I would get chewed out and then ignored until I let it be. Though a part of me a while ago left it alone because I wanted to think that he would better himself on his own but it was obvious by his state that it was just not happening.

I had managed to spend most of my time lost in thought about Eren and only ate half of my food, which I knew i'd regret badly later. They cut one of our daily meals here and half skipping out on one was going to suck really bad since I'd have to wait hours to eat again. I just don't see how he does it. I suppose the influence of self hate could go far beyond the extents that I myself had experienced. 

Eren was still obviously avoiding me because he suspected that I was going to say something to him, and his suspicion was correct though I was going to wait a little bit to let his attitude blow over, but in the end I guess that method was kinda pointless because he was just going to get instantly angry again. It was sort of sad how he tried to walk away from me, because he and I both know i'll catch up with a few strides. He couldn't walk very fast at all but still with that being said it still hurt that was was attempting to walk away from me. But lately I've gotten use to that also.

"I'm unclear, are we fighting or something. Why are you trying to walk away?" I knew why he was, but I pretended I didn't so he could just calm the fuck down.

"Do you want to be?" The obvious test in his tone was enough to send a quick stab of pain in my heart for the second time in literally 30 seconds. But, I pushed that aside.

"I don't, that's the last thing I want to do and you know that." I tried to add hints of affection in my tone so he knows my words are true.

"Doesn't seem like it."

Calm, Levi, I had to remind myself. The bigger part of me that loved him with everything I had was hurt by how short he was being but then there was still the part of me that was rather irritated. I couldn't help that, though. But I had became fairly good at suppressing that part of me, towards him at least. I didn't give a fuck with anyone else.

"I was telling the truth but if you want to take it out on me then fine." Like I said, I had gotten fairly good at suppressing it but oops it slipped.

"Your right, i'm sorry." He said and said as we approached the couch we always sat on, but he didn't seem all too sincere. "I'm just irritable this morning." It didn't excuse the other times but I took it anyways.

"Its fine. Just drop it." I insisted with a sigh as we sat down, desperate to end the tension that was between us so often lately. And even if by miracle it had fully disappeared in this short span of time, it would be back soon enough because I knew i needed to talk to him about this. Actually talk to him no matter what.

"Alright. Really, i'm sorry. I don't mean to take it out on you." He looked over at me a look of sincerity in his eyes. "Do you forgive me?" The look of sincerity quickly changed into a playful puppy dog sort of pout. And even with his attempt to lighten the air around us the tension was still so thick.

"Of course I do." I played along anyways, enjoying the false lightheartedness while it lasted. "You say dumb things but I can't stay mad."

I scooted closer to him and kissed him on the cheek, finding his hand and intertwining his slender fingers with mine. I tried not to acknowledge how absolutely freezing his hand was, that would bring on a conversation that I didn't want to have just yet. I wanted to feel as close to him as I could for just a few minutes before I brought it up and he inevitably gets pissy.

I leaned my head on his shoulder that use to be so much more toned and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the fluttery feeling I got in my stomach when I felt his own head resting against mine. I stroked the back of his cool hand with my thumb, I could feel his veins through the skin that had even gotten a lot paler since I met him. There was also a time that my fingers were smaller than his and I loved that for some reason but now they were the same size as mine if not smaller. But you could tell they weren't supposed to be.

I brought his unnaturally small hand up to my lips and placed a gentle kiss to the back of it, just atop the near visible veins. I could very faintly feel his pulse beneath the skin and I noted how it quickened a bit.

"I love you so much and I would never want you angry with me..." I started as I lowered our hands back down between us. I spoke while I got the spark of courage, but froze with the rest of my words. I really didn't want him angry with my but he was going to be with where I was taking this. But I couldn't let myself wait any longer, I just couldn't. So I swallowed my fear.

"I love you too..." He stated surely, already uneasy with the situation. He must be able to spot my intentions through my tone. But I didn't let it discourage me.

"But i'm so concerned." I forced out quickly, just waiting for the immediate change in the lovey-dovey mood that was there for a mere minute. 

And there it was.

Eren swiped his hand out of mine and looked at me with a sort of disbelief in his eyes, looking as if I had legitimately offended him with four words. Hell, I probably did. But we were having this talk. Again, it hurt to see him looking at me with such frustration with his eyebrows knitted in irritation and to feel his affections literally being torn away in a split second and replaced with a cold stare.

"I should have known better than to think you'd drop it that easy." He spat and tore his eyes away from me, crossing his slender arms over his chest.

"You cant blame me, Eren. Why can't we just talk about it?" He cant blame me, if I was him i'd hope he'd be even more persistent.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You never want to talk about it." I sighed, leaning back against the couch and keeping my eyes glued on him even though he refused to return the look.

"Its not that fucking important, I told you I know what i'm doing." He grumbled, and I knew that was complete bullshit unless he was intentionally trying to kill himself. That was slightly more worrying.

"Okay please just calm down a second and tell me why you won't just talk about it with me, you trust me right?" I tried to reason, gaining determination by the fact that he hasn't just gone silent yet.

"I trust you but I just can't talk about this." His tone held a bit more sadness than moments before, my face fell a bit at that.  
I inched closer and cautiously placed my hand over his, which rested in his lap now. It was a good sign that he didn't attempt to stanch it away upon the contact but I didn't have my hopes up. I knew it'd be hard to get to him and I was no were near close.

"Why not?" I tried very softly and cautiously, practically walking on glass at this point.

"I just don't want to, its not even that important."

"Its extremely important." I replied a bit more sternly, the way he was trying to brush off something like this as if it were nothing would be unbelievable if he hadn't done it a number of times before. I felt his hand clenching underneath mine, and I took that as an indicator that he was about to decide hes done, but I couldn't let that happen. "Please." I added in a little softer.

"Okay what do you expect me to do? Just magically get better?" If only that could happen.

"No, I want you to let me help you overtime. I'm not forcing anything, we're just talking right now." I was very careful with my words, thinking about them thoroughly before I spoke. I couldn't risk carelessly saying something to piss him off.

"You can't help me with shit if I don't want help, Levi." He locked his terrifyingly serious eyes with mine and I felt my heart drop. Why did this have to be so fucking hard? I was beginning to think it was impossible to get to him, but I wouldn't just quit even if that was the case.

"Can you at least just think about it?" I questioned lightly, because even that would enough for the time being. I would be happy if he just agreed to that much, I wasn't expecting an overnight change. And even so I still didn't have my hopes up for his agreement.

He stayed silent for a while, returning his eyes forward and actually seeming as if he was thinking it over. I kept my fingers crossed with the hopes of him saying yes when he finally spoke, however even if he did there was no way to guarantee he was being truthful. There's been multiple occasions that he'd say things like that to simply get me off his back for a few days or so.  
But then he finally spoke.

"I can't do it." He said simply with a light shrug, and the disappointment immediately began to set in. However, that's why I didn't get my hopes up to begin with.

"But your hurting yourself." I said in a pleading voice, futilely attempting to get him to reconsider.

"So? You hurt yourself." He removed his hand from underneath mine to cross his arms, an action I knew was coming eventually.

"Its different."

"Its really not." He retorted with a bit of confidence, like he knew exactly what he was doing, which he did but so did I.

He was trying to throw me off, but he and I both knew how different it really was. Sure I did hurt myself, but there was a huge difference between scratching your skin barley enough to bleed and starving yourself literally to death. But still, I could use it to my advantage even though he was trying to use it to his own.

"I'll stop if you at least try to." Now I didn't think what I had said was completely truthful, I couldn't simply break a six year habit like that so easily especially when I never had and still don't have a desire to quit just like that, though I suppose it would be just as hard for him to get better. Even so, I didn't see myself following through with it but hey we all lie. God knows he's lied to me more times than one can count.

"Levi I told you I cant. I just can't." He went to run his fingers through his hair, but seemed to freeze right before he did and dropped his hand down to his lap with a sigh. He then stayed silent for a few tense moments. "I'm not thin enough yet." He said so quietly I almost didn't catch it.

I stayed in a shocked silence for a little bit, though I knew I shouldn't be shocked that he would think that. But I didn't understand it one bit, how could he even think that? His bones showed through his skin and that's far too thin if you ask me, in fact it was downright unhealthy. Extremely unhealthy.

I didn't want to tell him he was just fine the way he was, because really he wasn't. He was fine the way he was when he came in here but now he was way too skinny. I took some time to choose my words carefully, knowing just saying that out loud would probably offend him and make matters worse. I worded my sentences very carefully.

"You may think that, but your getting really unhealthy. You can barley walk, or stand without support for that matter and your hair is falling out." He gave me a look at the last part, I assumed he thought I didn't know about that. But I wasn't fucking stupid, I noticed a while ago with how much I play with his hair. "Its getting so bad, your body can't do it anymore." I was cautious to word that carefully too because I neglected to do so at breakfast and that didn't go so well.

"I don't care." He replied simply, and know he was shutting down. I can't say I didn't see it coming.

"You need to care." I refused to let it go at that, something needed to be done and quick.

"Its my body and I can do what I want with it." Such an overused card to pull, but he was desperate enough to pull it.

"And i'm your boyfriend that is going to be left devastated by your choices in the end." I retorted, and he knew exactly what I meant by that. If he was going to go so low then so was I.

"I told you I know what i'm doing." He said in a lower tone of exasperation and frustration. But I was unrelenting.

"No Eren, you don't know what your doing. Do you know what it would do to me if this killed you? Do you ever stop and think how this effects me?" Probably a selfish thing to say, but it was all I had left. I've used everything else I could think of to get to him to actually hear me.

"Its not going to come to that because I fucking said I know what the fuck i'm doing." He snapped his head to look me in the eyes with irritation and leaned a bit closer as he spoke. "And even if it did you would get over it-"

"No I wouldn't!" I cut in, leaning closer to him as well.

"Fucking listen, you would get over it because pretty much anyone here is better than me for you. I don't deserve you and you would be better off without me!"

"Stop talking like that its fucking worrying me. Do you know how to listen? How many times have I told you that I can't live with out you? I love you s-"

"Oh cut that shit out, I would bet you'd fully forget about me in two weeks."

How dense was he? Maybe he was just so mad and it was the self hate talking, which I hoped it was because I truly hoped he didn't think that of me. If he did die I would never ever forget about him, and honestly I probably wouldn't even make it anywhere near two weeks without him. I'm pretty creative in the sickest of ways, so i'd find a way to off myself within 24 hours of not having him with me.

"No I wouldn't! I can't-"

"I'm done with this conversation." He half growled and looked away.

"No now you listen. How do you not understand how much I love you? I literally can't live without you so if you die so do I." My tone was so deadly serious it could almost be perceived as angry, but I wasn't. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't help him in time and it would seem I can't because he absolutely refuses to hear me out and actually fucking listen.

"I said i'm done with the fucking conversation!" He half shouted this time, only loud enough to attract the eyes of a few people particularly close but they didn't seem to care much.

I took a moment to emotionally recover from the stabbing pain of him raising his voice at me. I was taking this pretty far and the farther we got into this the angrier he was getting and the more I was putting our relationship in danger. Things were too heated and the air was so tense I could hardly breathe, I almost felt like crying. But this wasn't about me. So I took the momentary breather before calmly starting again.

"So your just going to let this beat you? Your stronger than that." I spoke in a tone that was a lot calmer than my previous one. I hadn't even noticed that the more his voice raised the more mine did as well.

"I'm not strong and we both know that. If I was strong I wouldn't have slit my fucking wrist." His voice was now lower too, but it was not by any means calm. It sounded as if he was struggling to fight back tears, resulting in a forced monotone.

"You are strong, you told me that you were getting better with the help of Mikasa and Armin before you got here, right? You went so long without cutting and that's so hard to do but you did it. And your telling me your not strong? You can do it, I know you can kick this." I was hitting low with the family thing, but it was the thing that was most likely to get him to listen.

"Yeah well I don't have them anymore." He looked over and our eyes met once more, and behind his eyes this time I could so clearly she the sheer pain he felt. But pain often lead to realization, so I went on.

"But you have me. I promise i'll help you every step of the way no matter what. I just don't want to lose you, ever." I've lost enough, and he was all I had. I prayed that he was finally hearing me.

A long bit of silence that felt like forever hung between us, the tension was still so think but at least the vibes of anger had passed. It was getting to the point of putting our relationship at stake and I was relieved that it didn't seem to be the case anymore. For now at least. 

"I still can't do it." He said softly and closed his eyes, pulling his legs up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "Now please... can we please stop talking about it?" He sounded as if he was pleading, my heart ached.

It was clear that this talk took a huge emotional tole on him, just as well as it had on me. But at least I got him to talk, be it unwillingly or not. Which it wasn't. And even though we made barley any progress, getting him to simply talk about it as enough for now. So I decided to just let him calm down and recover a bit from all the stress, putting aside how disappointed I was.

"Okay, okay. But please, i'm begging you just think about it." I left it at that, urging him to at least do that much. He didn't respond. I didn't really expect him to.

He simply rested his forehead on his knees, hiding his face from sight. I was worried for a moment that he had started crying, but I saw no indication of that. I felt bad for wearing him down emotionally so much but it had to be done, and it wasn't as if I was unaffected by this all too. I hated it so much when we argued, but we seemed to do it a lot lately and it was always over the same thing. We got along flawlessly, which was a miracle with me, until it came to that.

Cautiously, I inched closer to him until I was right next to him and waited to see any signs of reluctance to even be close to me, which I didn't. He remained unmoving, which I took as the okay to touch him. I wrapped my arms around his thin torso, holding him close and tight and resting me head on his shoulder. Just being this close to him again gave me an odd false sense of peace that I couldn't help but bask in while it lasted.

My heart leaped in my chest as he leaned onto me, though not moving from his position, keeping his face hidden. I still didn't feel him shaking or hear any sobs so at least I knew he wasn't crying. And if he was he was damn good at suppressing it, which I knew he wasn't. I've seen him cry a number of times and when he does He can't control it like that. He was good at hiding everything else, just not his tears.

I was dreading when dinner came around, knowing that he probably wouldn't eat much if at all and also knowing I had to say something when we get back to the room. I couldn't give up, I had to keep trying to get to him. I knew it wasn't good to necessarily force him but time wasn't of the essence now and I had no choice but to constantly bring it up if I wanted to keep him.

But it came so soon anyways and I found myself walking rather slowly along side Eren to the dinning room, tension immediately returning as soon as dinner time was announced. We both didn't say a word, we barley said a word for the rest of free time and it would seem it was staying like that. Maybe that was for the best for now, shit had gotten pretty heated and we both had to get over it.

I wasn't expecting him to eat. So needless to say I was shocked that he actually filled up his plate considerably more than the night before. I immediately suspected something was up. I didn't know if he was going to somehow try to make me thing he was going to eat all that and hope I don't notice when he doesn't but something wasn't right with that. Especially after we had that talk, and I knew better than to think for a second he was listening to me. As much as I wished that was the case, it wouldn't happen that fast.

But I pretended I didn't notice, I wanted to first wait and see what he was going to do before I said a damn thing. He acted as if it were nothing and he didn't notice either, and casually walked to our table without a second glance. With a questioning look I couldn't hide anymore, I followed behind him.

I kept my eyes on him for all of dinner, noticing that he was in fact actually eating at a steady rate. I was confused by it, but I suppose it was good that he was eating. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was definitely not right, and I had every reason to suspect somethings up. Though of course I didn't say anything, I simply watched him in silent confusion. I also noticed for nearly the whole time at dinner, he did not speak to anyone.

I had eaten almost all my food now, and dinner was probably almost over. Eren had finished most of his food, leaving some behind but at least most of it was gone. He placed his fork down after a little bit of toying with the bit of food left on his plate and stood up, obviously cautious of getting dizzy, and excused himself. I didn't think it odd, so I payed no mind to it.

I tried to tune out all the mindless chatter going on around me and took the time to finish my food while I waited for Eren to get back. But time ticked on and he still hasn't returned by the time the end of dinner was announced. Now I thought something was off, he shouldn't be taking this long. I was growing more and more concerned with each second that passed as the dinning room grew emptier and emptier. 

Pretty soon I was left in silence, the only person in the room besides the two guards standing at the door that were giving me impatient looks, their arms crossed firmly over their chests.

"Hey kid, you got ears? Dinners over." One of the men shouted from where they stood. I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

"Yeah i know, i'm waiting for my friend to get out of the bathroom." I was trying their patience by remaining exactly where I sat and shouting back across the room at them.

"We'll send him. Go to your room, now." The other man spoke in a stern, serious tone.

I didn't have a choice then. I liked trying them but I wasn't dumb enough to directly disobey them. I had no desire to be locked away in solitary once again for my 'disobedience'. But instead of going directly to my room I figured I should at least tell Eren I was doing so. Though that could also be seen as disobedience but it would barley take a fucking second, so they can wait.

I approached the bathroom door quickly, again, not dumb enough to take my time. They had a limit to how far they could be pushed and I had learned that a few times. I stopped at the door and raised my hand to knock before speaking, though froze immediately once I heard the sounds coming from within.

I could clearly hear strained gags and coughs in the silence of the room, accompanied by heavy breaths and gasps. I processed it for a moment, not fully understanding what I was hearing or rather not wanting to believe it. But full realization hit me moments later. He was fucking throwing up his food. Are you kidding?

How stupid was I? How had I not noticed this? How long has he been doing this? So many questions and sheer worry flooded my brain. I remained silent, not bringing myself to be able to knock. I was frozen in place, souly focused on the sounds coming from just beyond this door. I should have known, I don't know why I had never realized this before. Oddly enough it never crossed my mind, even though I knew he was damn capable of such a thing.

"Get a move on!" The impatient deep voice from behind me brought me back to reality, and with a quick breath to compose myself a bit I turned on me heel to walk away  
.  
I was still in shock and probably would remain that way for a bit, it was so hard to accept that the times I thought he actually ate even slightly well it was a lie because he was fucking throwing it up. My heart ached for him. I was so stupid, I should have known. Now not only was he starving himself till he was skin and bones, he was damaging his insides even more so. God knows how long he's been doing this.

I walked in silence back to the room, not sparing even a glance at the guards as I passed them by and they stayed behind for Eren. I simply kept my eyes cast down on the ground, thinking about what a fucking idiot I've been. I definitely had to say something, I had to tell him I knew. But I dreaded the argument that would follow.

I valued our strong yet slightly wavering relationship with all my heart but I valued Eren with all my soul, so no matter how angry he gets I couldn't give up. The door to our room was left open, so I simply walked in and sat down silently and almost numbly on our bed, not even having the energy to change. What I was wearing was comfortable enough. So I sat down to wait for Eren.

Though soon enough later, he returned and the door was shut and locked heavily behind him. He walked in and acted as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't done what he just did, though of course I couldn't expect him to. I didn't speak a word to him nor did he to me, he just quickly switched out his clothes with loose fitting bed clothes. While he did so, I managed to catch a glimpse of his extremely thin body before I had to look away.

I kept my gaze fixed on the wall, even as I felt the bed shift only slightly as he sat down next to me. I still didn't know what to say or how to bring it up without upsetting him, but that was inevitable. However I also didn't want to act like everything was fine because really it was the furthest thing from it.

"Your too quiet, whats wrong?" His tone held the same concern mine held when I addressed him over his problems.

Still, I stayed silent. Unsure of how to bring it up. But I couldn't let it slide, it had to be spoken out and it had be be talked about now. After another few long silent moments, I couldn't keep it in anymore, so I simply said the first thing that came to my mind.

"I know what you've been doing, Eren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone gets upset about what a total dick Erens being, in his defense, a huge side effect of starving yourself is you get so fucking moody. At some time I had gotten to the point where literally if someone breathes in my direction I would get so unnecessarily pissed off. So i'm not exaggerating with Eren here. But lets keep in mind he doesn't mean to be such a dick, he can't help it. Also, a bit of resolve with his ed is coming soon so don't worry! But the next chapter might be even shorter. Idk yet. But thank you so much for reading, leave a comment if your enjoying it! They make my day so much better and motivate me to get off my ass and type.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoLY SHIT would ya look at that I updated somewhat quickly for once! But this is pretty short so I can't really celebrate, its literally once scene stretched over 6k words. I would like to think that I worked fairly quickly on this. All the comments on the last chapter, which by the way made my heart legit fucking melt, encouraged me to try to go faster! Thank you guys so much for all the support, I never thought this fic that was born from a shitty, non serious American Horror Story inspired plot bunny would actually gain followers! I'm gushing, let me stop. Anyways, Enjoy!

"I know what you've been doing, Eren."

It felt as though my heart immediately hit the floor as soon as the words left his lips. I knew exactly what he meant by that, there was nothing else he could have been referring to. It was like my world began crashing down around me at that moment, for so long I've been dreading the day he'd figure it out and it would seem the day had finally come. I hated arguing with him so much, however there was no avoiding the argument that was about to come, but I chose to play dumb anyways on the off chance that I was mistaken with what me meant.

"What do you mean?" I forced my face into the best look of confusion I could to hide the dread I felt inside, praying that by miracle I could get out of this one.

"You know what I mean, don't pretend you don't. I heard you in the bathroom." He made sure to maintain eye contact as he spoke in a tone that said he was absolutely sure of himself and I knew was fucking doomed.

"No, actually I don't know what you mean." I pushed to lie further, I wasn't really expecting him to believe me but it did work to buy a little bit of time, and that's all I could do at this point

I blamed myself for this, I was too careless and lazy. Before tonight I hadn't eaten in three days, and I was feeling so weak physically and mentally. I over ate tonight and immediately hated myself for it. So I ran off to the bathroom, however I was careless. I took way too long even though I was trying my best to hurry up, and rushing limited how quiet I could keep myself. But lately its become so hard to get anything up, even if I shove my fingers all the way down my throat.

"I can't believe your still trying to deny it." His face was a mix of sympathy and pain, he paused for a moment before continuing in a softer voice. "Your bulimic?" He sounded as though he was in disbelief. I had to look away, I couldn't hold the eye contact.

Honestly, I didn't understand why he would even be surprised, he wasn't dumb and he should have known it was something I was very capable of. But his obliviousness was well appreciated up until this point when hes figured it all out. Even though I wished and hoped with all my heart that this day wouldn't come, I knew in reality it was impossible to avoid. It had to be confronted someday, but now that the time is here I was absolutely panicked.

I didn't know how to react, I had nothing left to lie about anymore because now he knows everything and its simply no use. But out right admitting to it, for some reason was so hard for me to do. I stayed silent and swallowed thickly, any potential words seeming to catch in my throat before I had even thought about saying them. I felt his eyes staring into me, waiting for an answer that I wasn't ready to give. I just felt like curling up in a ball and crying, but no tears would come. Just numbness.

I didn't voice my answer, I just couldn't. I could only keep my lips pursed shut as I stared forward, not daring to look at him, and nodded slowly. He didn't move, he didn't talk, he didn't even make a sound. We were just left in this eerie silence so thick with tension I almost couldn't breathe. But even so, I didn't want him to talk. I could hear it now, all the questions and pleas of concern that I never wanted to deal with but couldn't avoid now. I was fucked.

"Please... please just let me help you." his tone was a mixture of desperation and hurt. I didn't say a word. He pressed on. "Talk to me please."

I shifted my tightened jaw slightly, inhaling a long deep breath before letting it out in a sigh. To an extent I understood why he was constantly bringing it up, he was worried about me but the thing is I wasn't worried. I was lying when I said I knew what I was doing, I didn't but rather I didn't care what I was doing to myself. I didn't want to stop, even though it was killing me inside and out, I couldn't stop. My mind won't let me.

"No, you know what, no. Just leave me alone! We talked about this like an hour ago so why can't you just leave it alone?" I immediately felt the wave of anger boiling inside of me, but it wasn't really directed at him. He was just unfortunately there to catch it, but I couldn't control it. I have always had a bad temper. but lately it was impossible to control and easy to trigger.

"Do you even know what your doing to yourself? What your doing to me? You are dying, your body is going to quit working soon and your going to fucking collapse!" His voice was raised but there was no anger behind it, only sheer desperation.

"I don't care Levi! Don't you understand that? I do not care what happens to me!" I snapped my head over to look at him this time. The way I saw it was if I was going to die, at least I wouldn't die fat.

"I care!" He retorted. "You can't just leave me, you promised you would never leave me!" 

"You would be fine without me." That was something I didn't want to believe, but I couldn't bring myself to believe any different. I simply couldn't comprehend why anyone would miss me.

"No I really wouldn't, why do you keep saying that?" He lowered his tone a bit, talking so seriously that for some reason it fueled my irritation to hear. 

"You would! Now can you just fuck off?!" I gritted my teeth as I spoke probably far too harshly. And I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips.

He fell dead silent after that, his face twisting from concern to an indifferent mask I knew too well. His eyes were left the only evidence of how much I just hurt him, they were filled with so much pain that I never thought I would be the cause of and I swear I saw them beginning to fill with tears before he closed them and looked away from me. I fucked up.

"If that's what you want, then fine. I will fuck off." He spoke in a complete monotone before moving to crawl past me and get up, keeping his face hidden from my view.

I immediately felt absolutely horrible, I didn't think about what I said before I had said it. I couldn't hardly control what came out of my mouth when I got into that mood of sheer frustration and now I hurt Levi. Somehow I hated myself impossibly more for that. He was only trying to help and I went too far. It only then occurred to me how much he had to put up with my temper. I was the worst person.

"Levi please wait, i'm sorry." I instantly tried to patch things up as soon as he stood. I couldn't let him walk away. I didn't want to sleep alone, I didn't want him to leave me. I felt like crying.

He stopped where he was, but didn't make a move to turn around. I noticed one hand lifting to his face while the other one remained clenched in a tight fist at his side. I was pretty sure I knew what he was doing, he was wiping the tears from his eyes that I had caused. I didn't deserve him one bit, I didn't deserve his forgiveness but I needed it.

"I'm really really sorry, I didn't mean it. just please... don't leave." I pleaded, my voice beginning to break. 

He remained unmoving as I stared up at him from where I sat on my knees at the edge of the bed, praying he'd turn around. The hand previously at his face finally fell back down to his side, and the other one realized from his tightened state. I watched his shoulders first rise then fall slowly before to my relief he turned back around. I immediately searched his eyes for tears, but there were none. But what was left was an expression of true pain.

"You can't keep doing this to me, I know your hurting but my life isn't the smoothest either. And I don't need my boyfriend always hurting me." His voice was so filled to the rim with emotion, he sounded as though he was about to break. It made my heart hurt even more. 

"I know, i'm so sorry. I really don't mean it, I just..." I trailed off, I didn't have an excuse. No matter how irritable I was, I knew it wasn't acceptable at all what so ever to take it out on him, but that's all I've done lately.

"You just what?" He questioned, stepping closer to me yet not making any move to touch me, he kept his hands firmly at his sides.

"I... I can't control my anger.. but I never wanted to take it out on you. Its all my fault, i'm sorry Levi." I apologized once again, my voice nearly betraying me as my eyes began to fill with tears that I attempted to blink away.

"Its not okay to keep treating me like that." He shook his head lightly and shut his eyes, wiping his sleeve across them quickly before reopening them, I could clearly see the shine of tears in the dim light. "Every time I only try to help you, you yell at me or stop talking to me and I have a limit, if you think what you say doesn't effect me your wrong." Once again, he stubbornly wiped away the last of his tears, though the pain in his face still remained.

"Please don't hate me..." My voice cracked before finally breaking off at the very end, tears beginning to flow down my cheeks in a steady stream. I didn't bother to wipe them, I was too busy looking pleadingly into his eyes.

"I don't hate you, if I hated you I wouldn't be so upset about what you say. Other people don't matter to me anymore, but its when you say such mean things.. that's when it really hurts." He spoke softly, noticeably trying to keep his voice strong.

I wanted to say something but anything and everything I wanted to say was caught in my throat. All I could do was look down at my lap and close my eyes as the tears blurred my vision and fell onto the sheets. I gritted my teeth, pathetically trying to hold in heavy sobs but failing miserably. I fucked up so bad, I wished that I could take everything I said back but I couldn't. I just wanted him to forgive me for being such an ass. Then I felt the bed shift and a weight settle next to me.

I looked over to find him sitting closely at my side, facing me but keeping his hands in his lap. I bit my lip hard to keep it from quivering and wiped the tears from my eyes, but that was no use because more simply poured out. He was still hurt, I could see it in his face. But I didn't expect him to be over it at all, even though I wished everything could just be all better. But it never would be, there would always be something.

With a pathetic noise that could probably be classified as a whimper, I pushed myself forward and wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him tightly. I wasn't even able to think clearly at this point, the only thing I could think about was how much I deserve to die but also how much I needed Levi. My weakened body began to shake as I sobbed harder into his shoulder, longing to only feel him holding me tight as if it would fight off all the self hating thoughts flooding my mind.

"I'm sorry..." I tried to apologize once more, but even with how short it was my voice still managed to break more than once no matter how hard I tried to hold off the sobs for only a moment.

Then finally, I felt his arms wrapping around my trembling body without a bit of hesitation. And even though I knew it should have made me feel better, for some reason it only made me cry harder. I suppose its because I knew how much I didn't deserve his forgiveness. He has been too lenient with me, even after I made him cry he was still holding me as I pathetically broke down and I simply didn't deserve it.

"I forgive you, but please just be mindful with what your saying. But never mind that right now." His voice had suddenly became soft and comforting once more, as if he himself wasn't hurting when I saw for myself that he was. And it was because of me.

I wasn't even fighting against all the self hating thoughts running through my head at this point, there were too many and they were screaming too loud for me to even try to block out. I fisted my hands in the back of Levis thick hoodie and attempted to cling to him as tight ass possible, however my lack of strength prevented me from doing so nearly as much as i'd like. Seeming to notice this, he responded by holding me closer and rubbing my back slowly and gently.

Even though he was trying to comfort me, it did nothing to calm my mind or the constant tears spilling from my eyes that were clenched shut tight. I just wanted my mind to shut up, but I felt as though it never would. It always felt that way every time I got like this. I just wanted it to all stop, I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want to be here anymore, I didn't want to be alive.

What was the point anymore? Levi had figured everything out and that would make it impossible to continue not eating without ruining our relationship. And that means i'll get fat, and if I let myself get fat I don't deserve a life. Not that I deserved one to begin with. Or at least that's what the voice in my head was telling me, and I couldn't help but listen to it as I always did. It was always completely right anyways and its become the main influence on my whole life, even if I didn't want it to be, which I didn't. But I wasn't strong enough to fight it, so I let it control me.

And that's exactly what I was doing right now. Being reminded again and again of how pathetic I was for crying in front of Levi when he shouldn't have to deal with my tears. How I wasn't supposed to me the one crying right now, because I hurt him and yet i'm still the one breaking down and burdening him with my problems like the piece of shit I was. How I should just go die for being so careless and allowing him to find out all my secrets.

It felt like an eternity that I sat there and cried my eyes out, letting these thoughts and more repeat over and over in my head until I wished nothing more but to die. Levi didn't speak during this time, he simply allowed me to cry until I couldn't anymore. And when I couldn't anymore, the thoughts soon faded out and I was left with only a numb feeling. The voices weren't screaming anymore, but somehow this felt just as bad. The only thing I could feel is my heart physically aching from the never ending sadness that was left behind.

I wasn't crying anymore, but I didn't move. I couldn't move, I was too physically and mentally exhausted to be bothered with moving. Levi didn't seem to have a problem with it, he simply remained as he was, holding me tightly as I shook lightly even though I was no longer sobbing. I turned my head so that I could stare blankly at he black marked but otherwise white wall on the other side of the room, leaning the side of my head against his shoulder and not caring that it was wet with my own tears.  
I subconsciously leaned onto his hand as he caressed the other side of my face, kissing my temple before resting his chin on top of my head. I closed my eyes and sighed, though not out of content, I was as far as possible from that feeling that I wanted so desperately right now. But at the moment it seemed impossible to ever achieve again. I felt like crying moreagain, however no tears would come.

"Are you okay?" Levis soft voice filled my ears, something that would normally calm me but did nothing right now. I shook my head.

"No..." I answered honestly, lacking the energy or will to even try to lie, and even if I did he would effortlessly see through it with my state.

"Yeah, I guess that was kind of a dumb question." He sighed lightly and brushed his thumb across my cheek. "I hate seeing you so broken." He added with pity.

"I've always been broken, but I just can't hide it anymore." Or at least I couldn't at the moment. I did so well keeping it all inside for such a long time, but I couldn't take it anymore.

And I still can't. I just want it all to stop but I can't stop it. Everything hurt so bad, my head was pounding, my stomach was twisting in pain that I knew would get worse later and if it wasn't for Levi holding me my arms would have gave long ago. I hated feeling this way so much but I wasn't strong enough to quit. And sometimes I want nothing more but to just stop but my mind soon takes over and reminds me how this is what I need to be doing.

"Can we talk about it?" He asked quietly and cautiously, not bothering to clarify since he knew I knew exactly what he was talking about.

I took a moment to think about the question. Normally I would instantly refuse and argue him down until he drops it but I couldn't do that, for one because I didn't want to hurt him again and also because I don't think I have it in my to fight anymore, or rather right now at least. What was the point of refusing it? He already knew most everything so what was there to hide that wouldn't shock him as much as what he already figured out on his own?

"What do you want to know?" I gave in, though not sure what else he could ask about since we've talked about it before. He paused for a moment.

"Why exactly won't you let me help you?" He seemed to be making a point to be cautious, as if I would snap on him at any second. Though I could see why he thought like that because that's all I had been doing, i'm the worst.

I sighed lightly and pulled back to look at him while we talked, I was sure that my eyes were puffy and red and I had to look an absolute mess but I couldn't bring myself to care at the moment. There was the part of me that still didn't want to talk about it but unlike before there was also the part that really did. Its not that I didn't want him to help, its just that I can't. But any other time i'm able to convince myself I flat out don't want the help, when deep down I do.

"Because I know you can't." I replied, searching his deep blue eyes as I waited for his response, and only finding sadness and some pity, which I hated.

"You don't know if you never try, Eren." He grabbed one of my hands and held it in his between us, then resting his other hand on top of mine, his hands were so warm.

I didn't know how I could reply, what I truly wanted was to just accept his offers and pleas to help my but I knew it was only at this moment that I wanted it. I knew that tomorrow when i'm not still in the state of a mental breakdown I would go back to refusing his help and pushing myself until I can't possibly push anymore.

"I just can't do it, I know I cant. I just want it all to stop but I can't." I felt my throat tighten up a bit towards the end of my sentence and my voice nearly broke, and I didn't really notice the tear rolling down my face until it had fallen onto my lap.

A slight glimmer of hope light up on his face, and it took me a moment to realize it was because of the last part, while I hadn't said it directly he was smart enough to knew what I meant by it. Honestly I hoped a little that he wouldn't catch that because he would get his hopes up just because I say I want him to help me, but I know untimely everything would go back to the way it was and I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to give him false hope, but whats done is done I suppose.

"You wouldn't be in it alone..." He had a pleading look in his eyes, and I knew I had given his false hope.

"I'm sorry, I just can't do it." I shook my head lightly and wiped another tear from my face as it fell.

A long silence hung between us, and for a moment I was worried that he had gotten upset with me or something. That was until he removed the hand that was on top on mine to caress my face, brushing another tear away gently with his thumb and squeezing my hand lightly in an assuring way.

"I'm not going to force you." He said in a voice that was so low it was almost a whisper, and him saying that was so relieving for some reason. It always made things worse when he pressed over and over but he was cautious and mindful with his approach this time. even so, there was no doubt that had this been any other time I would have snapped by now. "But can you at least tell my why your doing this, just so I can understand?" He added just as carefully.

I glanced down at my lap, thinking over the question. I had explained this vaguely to him before but I did leave out many things. I still wasn't the most willing to voice any of this, but its been built up inside me for so long and I could take it anymore. I would still have to leave things out, like the fact that the first time I went a day without eating was because of him. That would falsely lead him to believe it was his fault when it was no ones but my own. But there were still other things.

"I was tired of feeling so worthless, so I thought maybe if I fixed how disgusting I was that it would make me feel better about myself." I looked up at him as I spoke, pausing to sniffle lightly and attempt to blink away a few tears that inevitably fell anyways. "But I was wrong, its never enough and I can't bring myself to stop. My mind won't let me because i'm still gross and fat."

He looked to be on the verge of tears as I finally spoke the truth to him, and it was a hard thing to do but i'm sure it was also hard for him to hear as well. He let his hand gently fall back down to rest atop of mine after wiping yet another tear, tracing a small circular pattern on the back of my hand with his thumb.

"But your not, I promise your not." He tried, but of course I didn't believe it one bit.

"I also did it because I didn't want you to have to deal with an ugly boyfriend." I added a bit quieter, more hesitant to tell him about that since I knew he would tell me its not true but I still thought otherwise. I still thought he was way too far out of my league, and someone like him couldn't possibly love me.

The look that crossed his face was a mix of disbelief and pain, as if he hadn't heard me correctly but he in fact did. More silence fell, and all I could do was search his eyes as I waited for him to reply. But I already had an idea of what he was going to say.

"You can't possibly think that." His tone was one of disbelief. "Your wrong, I always thought you were the most beautiful person I've ever seen but now... now you look so unhealthy. Please believe me when I say you were perfect the way you were, but now you almost look..." He trailed off, and somehow I knew how he was going to finish that sentence but he simply couldn't say it.

Dead.

"I just can't see it the way you do." I said honestly, as much as I wanted to be content with my image or at least see myself how I feel as he now does, I just couldn't seem to. All I ever saw was not good enough.

I watched as Levis jaw shifted slightly in an emotion I couldn't quite identify, but at least I knew it wasn't anger by the way his expression remained soft with hints of pain behind it. He continued tracing little patterns on the back of my hand so gently that it could almost relax me as he looked down off to the side, seeming to be in thought for a few long moments before looking back up into my eyes.

"Eren, I want you to listen to me. Actually listen and don't block me out or something." He spoke each word carefully, being sure to keep my eye contact and make sure I really was listening. He had my attention, so instead of speaking I gave a light nod for him to go on. "You are sick, you are really really sick and its killing you from the inside out. That's a harsh way to put it but i'm telling you the truth, your dying. I've told you so many times that I've lost count but hear me this time, I cannot lose you. Please, i'm scared. I'm so fucking scared that one day i'll have to live my life without you there..."

There was something so sincere and so deep in the way he spoke that it had more tears coming to my eyes, and it was in moments like this that I actually believed him when he told me how much he cares. With the look in his eyes and the painful sincerity in his tone, I couldn't find it in me to dismiss it. I was hurting him with each passing day that I inched closer to an inevitable end that will come so long as I keep this up, and while I couldn't understand what there was about me that anyone could miss, he saw something.

"If you think I enjoy this or something your wrong. I don't want to do this, I don't want to deal with all the pain and horrible thoughts, I don't want to argue with you all the time over it. I really don't. But its something I feel like I have to do and i'm not strong enough to put a stop to it. Even though I want nothing more." My voice broke off at the end yet another tear fell down my cheek, adding to the many tear stains that remained.

"Your more than strong enough, I know that for a fact. And your not alone. Like I said, I can't force you to do anything but I will ask you to please, please actually think about it. I'm the one that's not strong enough, because I know I can't continue living without you." He sounded so pleading, almost as if he were begging me. Though he probably was. This always ended the same way, with me untimely rejecting him but I truly didn't want to.

"Levi..." I turned the idea of finally just giving in over and over in my head for quite some time, leaving a somewhat tense silence as I thought. I wasn't mentally strong enough to get better, but I wasn't physically strong enough to keep this up. "I want you to help me."

That was probably the biggest fucking mistake I've ever made and I knew that as soon as the words left my lips and I say the glimmer of hope behind his eyes that he so obviously tried to hide. I didn't want to tell him things that I knew I couldn't follow through with but I was being honest, even though I probably wouldn't have this mindset tomorrow or the next day or even ever again I wanted him to know that while I could think clearly of what I truly wanted, I wanted him to try. He was so determined to anyways.

"Will you really let me?" He still sounded unsure but the slight hint of joy was readable in his tone, joy from the fact that in his eyes I finally agreed.

"I can't say that I will tomorrow," I spoke honestly with a light sigh. "but i'm saying that I do want help." I knew I wouldn't want it tomorrow and all I was really doing was fucking myself over right now, but I wanted him to try. I didn't want him to give up on me even when I give up on myself.

"I promise you, I will do everything I can to help you through this." His hopes were a bit too high, but I hoped for his sake that he possessed the patients he would need to get anywhere with this. I knew exactly how suborn and downright mean I could get, though I made a point to make a conscious effort to control my anger.

I didn't know if I should be relieved or pissed off with myself for giving him the hope that I could manage to beat this. I suppose he knew it wouldn't be easy, but only I knew just how hard it was going to be. As of now it seemed to be impossible, and him attempting to help me in the end will either make us stronger or break us completely. It all depended on if i'm strong enough to keep my temper under control and refrain from carelessly saying hurtful things on purpose just to get him to leave me alone.

"Thank you..." I suddenly felt the need to say it, though I wasn't particularly thanking him for wanting to help me. Rather I was thanking him for everything, he had to put up with so much of my shit and somehow hes still standing strong by my side and hasn't simply given up on me yet.

His face softened, a small and near unnoticeable smile curving the corners of his lips up. My chin was gently lifted by his careful hand, bringing my eyes up to fully meet his. And for the first time in what seemed like forever my heart leaped in my chest and I was filled with the fuzzy feeling I could only describe as love, though I knew it wouldn't last. But any break I could get from either emotional numbness or depression I would take, no matter how short.

"Don't thank me, i'd do anything for you." His warm, soft thumb brushed lightly across my bottom lip, and his eyes fell to my lips.

Before I could say anything else, he was leaning forward and before I knew it his perfect lips were on mine, making my mind go completely blank. Not that I had anything left to say, sometimes he was so kind to me when I didn't even deserve it that it left me speechless. I let my eyes flutter shut and didn't hesitate to return the kiss, I gladly welcome the way I suddenly became unable to think the moment his lips meet mine.

The kiss was kept completely innocent, because the last thing i'm sure either of us were in the mood for was to take things further. We'd both been in far too much emotional and in my case also physical pain to even let that cross our minds lately. Even so, it still felt so nice to kiss him. It had to be one of my favorite things to do, i'd even so so far as to put it above hurting myself. Kissing him gave me a distraction yet without leaving an actual mark, though instead of the distraction being pain it was a pleasant fluttery feeling with each slight moment.

I brought my slightly shaky arms up to wrap around his neck and made a sad attempt to pull him to lay down next to me, though he got the message even through the near unnoticeable attempt and brought himself down to lay next to me slowly as not to break the kiss. My body felt instantly more relaxed once I was finally able to lay down on my side, my arms switching to instead wrap around his torso as I pressed myself closer to his warmth.

I felt a relief that I hadn't even noticed I was yearning for when he pulled the blanket over both of our bodies, though leaving more for me. He must have known I was cold, of course I always am. The relief only got better as he then embraced my tightly in his warm arms, holding me close as if I would disappear otherwise. I always felt more safe when he held me, as if he could fight away my fears. And sometimes he was able to, like now. I had managed to temporarily forget all the pain I've gone through tonight.

I was a bit disappointed when the kiss had to come to an end, though I found that simply cuddling with him was a close second. We both had to catch our breath, after all. I rested my head against his bicep and nuzzled my face into his chest, breathing in his scent and allowing my mind to remain blank. I couldn't let my thoughts ruin the moment, even though I was only pushing them to the side to be dealt with later, a few moments without them was better than nothing.

"Promise me you won't give up on me." I spoke softly into the silence that for once held no tension, seeking a final assurance if only to help me rest.

I would most likely resent him for it later but if somehow we do manage to pull this off, in the end it means everything that he doesn't give up. I know I will countless times since I hardly have the will to begin with but if he does then its over for both of us. That scared me. Admittedly, I often did want to die but I didn't want to die with him hating me. I had to know that he would really stand by me no matter how rough it gets.

"I promise I will never, ever give up on you."

Hearing it from him did assure me, though I still had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Nightmares were relentless as always, even though I fell asleep content for the most part. I suppose the happiness, if I could call it that, wouldn't last forever and I knew that but that didn't stop me from wishing it. But I ended up disappointed and once again in emotional pain as usual, perhaps someday I could fall asleep happy and wake up the same. Maybe. But probably not. Happiness simply wasn't meant for people like me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, told you guys a slight form of resolve would be coming soon. Well, at least the start of one. We still have a looong ways to go with his recovery, because everyone knows its not that easy. I hope you guys hang around through it all. As always, comments are very appreciated! That's actually an understatement, they make me so so happy~ So if you'd like, leave a comment if you enjoyed this chapter! I love reading each and every one. Until the next update~ ^.^


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah i'm late again, but you guys should expect that by now. I need to type fast since i'm currently using the family computer and my parents are going to be home literally any second. With that being said, there's probably a lot of errors in spelling because while I normally have a little over two hours to edit, today I had under an hour. So I was rushing majorly and couldn't take my time to perfect everything. This is a lot longer than the last ones, though so that's something  
> Trigger warning for a light mention of self-harm, not too bad at all but if your very easily triggered, read on with caution.

The damn near unbearable twisting of hunger pains in the pit of my stomach brought be to full consciousness before I was even supposed to be awake that next morning, and I instantly knew that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. A few times before I've been literally woken up with them extreme pains but it wasn't that often, though that's not to say I didn't get them any other time. But all I could think of is why now? I was so tired and definitely not in the mood to deal with this right now, or any time really.

My body tensed as I drew my knees up in a half fetal position and buried my face in the fabric of Levis shirt, suppressing a sharp groan of sheer pain that wanted badly to tear itself from my sore throat. Instead I simply scrunched my face up and forced myself to deal with the temporary pain, but while it was temporary it felt like forever until they were over and I found myself pleading to every higher power that they would go away sooner rather than later.

The feeling of Levis arms drawing tighter around my tensed body caught my attention through the pain that seemed to die down ever so slightly after quite a few long moments after waking up with them, and I had to wonder if he had done that in his sleep or if he was currently awake. However that was kind of a dumb thing to wonder, since he was most likely awake right now and probably had been for sometime assuming he slept even a little.

I refused to look up at him to see for myself until the hunger pangs passed and I was able to keep a straight expression or even move properly for that matter, although I had no idea when that could be since they could sometimes last for full minutes on end. I gritted my teeth as another contraction rippled through the pit of my stomach and made my muscles tense to the point of almost trembling, and yet again I had to swallow a pathetic whimper of pain.

I would have counted the seconds of agony I went through until it was over if I could focus of anything but pleas for the pain to go away, but I assumed it had to be well over a minute at the very least. I took a few deep breaths, relieved that the horrible feeling was gone though now it was only replaced with a hollow feeling that I wasn't sure if I necessarily liked or not. But it was sure as hell better than hunger pains, which seriously had to be the worst side effect that I've experienced since I started this.

Once I was able to hide the fact that my face was previously twisted in extreme discomfort, I propped my chin up on Levis chest and looked up at him. His eyes were closed, but I could tell he wasn't asleep. And that was confirmed a moment later as he opened his beautiful yet noticeably sleep deprived eyes to gaze back down at me. The dark bags under his eyes looked slightly less deep than they had been the morning before but he still sort of looked like hell. I was one to talk.

"Are you okay?" He spoke softly into the silence that for once wasn't tense and heavy between us, it almost felt as if the air was cleared. I nodded.

"Yeah, i'm fine." for the moment at least it wasn't a lie, thankfully the pain passed but I knew full and well it would come back soon. That's just how it worked. "Have you slept?" I questioned to steer the topic, still uncomfortable with talking about this sort of thing even though he knew everything now. 

"I slept a few hours or so, which is better than how I've been doing lately. Seriously though, whats wrong? You got all tense." He pressed further to my displeasure.

"I have a stomach ache, is all." I excused it effortlessly, and it wasn't that far from the truth. I suppose it was a form of a stomach ache.

And as if on cue, I felt the pain coming back to put me through more suffering. I didn't really have any room to complain much, though, I brought it upon myself and I know its something i'm willing to deal with. But honestly sometimes their so fucking extreme, it feels like i'm legit going to die. I curled my fingers tightly into the fabric of Levis hoodie, but what was tight for me was probably a slight squeeze in reality since I seemed to lack strength bit my bit with each passing day.

He seemed to instantly understand, not saying a word as he simply held me tighter in his arms, and I wished the action could make the pain go away. I didn't bite back the groan of agony that slipped past my parted lips and gritted teeth, or rather it happened too fast for me to suppress it. I only hoped that this shit would pass considerably before we have to get up and go, if only enough for me to hold myself up with my already terrible physical condition.

Only a minute or so had passed before it actually started to fade away, but it felt like much longer. And once the twisting pain vanished from the pit of my stomach, I relaxed my body a bit though didn't move an inch otherwise. It was just then that I realized he had been rubbing my back slowly and gently, working to relax my body ever so slightly more so involuntarily. We both remained quiet, but for some reason the comforting air had vanished since the moments when I woke up, and it was replaced by the same thickness it held when something was being avoided. Like a talk.

A talk about something that was already weighing on my mind the second I came back into consciousness, but only it was all I could think about now. I fucked up last night, telling him all those things I fought so hard against myself to keep pent up, though in a moment of weakness I broke and told him all of how I truly feel deep down. But that moment was over now and needless to say I didn't feel that way anymore. Or at least I was forcing myself not to feel that way, just as usual.

Even last night, I knew I was going to end up doing this. A moment of weakness is just that, a moment where I want to give up on what I've worked so hard for. I've suffered through unbearable headaches, hunger pains, not being able to even stand for extended periods of time without support and even my hair falling out and now that my mindset was back to the way it always was, I no longer wanted to make all that for nothing. 

I still felt I wasn't thin enough, the voice reminded me constantly about that. And just like always I will listen to the voice and push myself beyond the limit that my body is screaming I've already passed. I didn't know how I was going to even keep this up with my condition, let alone getting past Levi who I told to help me last night, like a total fucking idiot. I didn't want his help anymore, I wanted him to leave me be with this even though I know he's not going to. Hes not that easily tricked anymore.

My breathing hitched and I was torn from my thoughts by yet another wave of pain rippling through my hollow stomach, resulting in my gritting my teeth so hard I though't they'd literally crack under the pressure. Though even with the pain forcing every other thought from my head, I still wasn't able to shake the voice telling me over and over what a fucking idiot I was and how much I fucked up.

"Your stomach is hurting because you haven't eaten in days." Levi said almost as though he thought I didn't already know that good and fucking well, and as the pain died down I found myself with bitter thoughts and actually contemplating voicing some of them.

In an instant I mentally slapped myself and desired to physically do so as well, if there was one thing that opened my eyes and I planned to stick to was the fact that I hurt Levi with the way I speak without thinking clearly and I was determined to make every conscious effort to bite my poison tongue and keep those thoughts to myself, though I shouldn't be having them in the first place and the fact that I was made me feel like scum.

"I know." I spoke quietly once I regained the ability to speak, small tremors of pain still surging through the pit of my stomach.

"Do you still want to stop?" He asked the question that I just new he was going to ask sooner or later, though I would much prefer later but here it is. I sighed.

"I don't know." I answered in the same tone, and it wasn't really a lie. I knew that I was going to reject his help later and not hear anything he has to say about it but there was still the small part of me that remained sane and wanted so desperately to stop, but the huge, stubborn part of me was able to easily overpower the sane part. I knew what I was going to do, but I didn't quite know what I wanted.

I could practically hear the worried expression that I knew crossed his face upon my answer, but I didn't have it in me to look up at him and see for myself. I knew he had pinned his hoped on me staying with the mindset I had last night, but obviously he set his hopes too high. I hated myself for disappointing him but I would also hate myself if I accepted his help, so I simply couldn't win.

He didn't say a word after that, and I knew that would be the best thing for us both even though it wasn't exactly healthy. We could stay silent and pretend that there wasn't this huge problem and potential argument hanging over us at least for the moment until we both had to get our asses up and inevitably confront the topic. Not that I wanted to at all but I knew that he was without a doubt going to bring it up.

And the rest of our time was spent doing just that, ignoring the problem like it wasn't there when in truth we both just didn't want to argue. Because that's where it always lead, an argument that hurts both of us and probably weakens our relationship, and that's something I sure as hell want to avoid. The air definitely wasn't relaxing or calm, it was instead practically dripping in tension now and I knew he felt it to.

I jumped slightly as the heavy door creaked open, but other than that I didn't bother to move an inch, even as Levi sat up to glare at and have a few words with Hanji that were quite aggressive from his side while she remained playful and happy. That was something that I didn't understand and came to the conclusion that I never would, but that didn't stop me from envying her. Even though her constant happiness was probably something fucked up in her head, at least whatever is wrong with her didn't make her want to die, like me. And Levi for that matter.

I also didn't bother to move even as the door shut after she happily bounced out and left us alone in the thick silence once more. I flinched slightly as Levi pulled the covers back to that he could get up, exposing my frail and freezing body in the process. I shivered as the cold air bit at the skin where my sweatshirt had rode up in my sleep, and I immediately moved my slightly shaky arm to pull down the fabric to once again cover my pale flesh. My arm felt like it weighed a hundred pounds as it finally dropped back down on the bed where Levi use to lay, though he was now up. I already missed his warmth.

I sighed lightly and made an effort to turn over in bed, doing so a bit slowly as not to exhaust myself before I've even gotten up. And once I finally did manage to settle on my other side, I found Levi standing inches away from the bed, his hand extended towards me. It took me too long to process that he was attempting to help me up, but when it did I felt a sudden flare of stubbornness inside of me, wanting to refuse the help because I could get up on my own. But in reality I could barley even do that.

So I swallowed the desire for my near nonexistent independence and reached out with my shaky arm and placed a freezing hand in his. His hand was so warm, it seemed to defrost at least the outer cold that was inflicted by the actual temperature of the room which was considerably cold, though did nothing for the chill that was bone deep. Even so, his hand was still comfortably warm and also noticeably larger than mine, i'd neglected to actually notice before.

He didn't move an inch as I used him for support while struggling to get to my feet, as if supporting all the weight I put on him was nothing while I felt it would be. I didn't think too much of it, I was too busy focusing on the task of standing. Once I was on my own two feet, the wave of dizziness instantly hit me and I allowed myself to fall forward against him, closing my eyes as my mind spun and I fought to steady it.

A slight gasp of shock could be heard from Levi, who obviously didn't expect me to fall forward like that but the weakness on top of suddenly getting incredibly dizzy was too much. He wrapped his arms around me immediately and held me tight, otherwise i'd drop to the floor. And honestly right now that sounded quite tempting, laying on the ground definitely beat fighting for my balance at the moment.

"Eren, are you okay?" His voice was full of concern that I felt unnecessary, but I couldn't ignore it.

"Yeah, i'm fine." I spoke only after having quite a few more moments to steady myself and leaned back to stand on my own, though his arms lingered around me anyways.

"Jesus fuck you scared me, I thought you fainted or some shit." He sounded relieved however at the same time worried, his face was skeptical. "You don't seem fine, I know your not."

I bit back a bitter sigh and forced myself to keep any expression of annoyance off of my face from the last part that for some reason irritated me far more than I knew was healthy. Gently, I brushed his hands off of me and began walking over to my dresser with a conscious attempt at looking as balanced and normal as possible, but I failed miserably.

"Levi, don't." My voice wasn't snappy or hostile, instead it was more pleading than anything. I was begging him to not say anything, even if it was just for the next few minutes I could avoid it, it was still time.

I placed my head in my hands as I supported myself on my elbows at the top of my dresser, massaging my temples in an attempt to stop the headache I felt coming on, but it did nothing. the room fell silent, and I let my eyes shift to the side as Levi made his way to his own dresser. A sigh was heard, and I couldn't tell if it was frustration or not.

"Don't tell me your just going to give up the morning after you said you were going to let me help." He didn't sound frustrated, more so extremely disappointed.

Even so, that was a lie. I never said I would let him and I knew I didn't. I was still speaking consciously for the most part and I made a point not to make any promises about my own participation, only telling him if he wanted to try them go for it. And that was still fucking stupid of me and I regretted it.

"I don't know." I replied simply, only trying to avoid an argument at this point. 

I didn't dare look at him as everything grew quiet once more, I focused on forcing my cool hands to sift through various items of clothing until I found the warmest sweatshirt I owned, even though it wouldn't do much for warming me up. I dressed myself in the over sized sweatshirt that completely hid my frame and tied the string of my sweatpants really tight as for them not to fall down as fast as I could without exhausting myself, which was rather slow really.

"Will you try?" Came another question as I finished pulling the drawstring tight, and this time I did dare to look over.

He had already finished dressing of course, with his normal person energy and all. He leaned against the now closed dresser wearing a slightly tight fitted black hoodie adorning a white and red logo for a band I vaguely recognized as slipknot, the shirt was paired with a simple pare of black skinny jeans that fit him quite well. Though the concerned expression he wore and the hurt in his eyes distracted greatly from his appearance.

"I don't know..." I softened my tone a bit as if it would cushion the reality of it, but he had to be expecting it from me. I was always a disappointment.

He then crossed the room, closing the short distance between us quickly, again with his normal person energy, and was in front of me before I knew it. The warmth of his hands grabbing onto my freezing ones gently was the next thing I registered, and he looked up at me, making sure he had solid eye contact with me before beginning to speak.

"I know you can do it, if you just try." He spoke the words gently and with assurance that I didn't care for, false assurance because I knew I couldn't. And I most likely wouldn't.

A quick peck was placed upon my lips and then the warmth of his hands was gone, I almost felt sick as the door began to creak upon as Levi pulled it. I didn't want to leave the room. I didn't want to go to breakfast. I didn't want to be told to eat and then get into an argument when I inevitably refuse. But I was forced into all those things once the door was wide open and Levi was waiting in the hall for me to accompany him.

Reluctantly and slowly, I made my way beyond the barrier of the safety of our room into the sheer white hallway with eerie metal doors lining the long hall, some open and some closed after having grabbed my blanket from atop my dresser and wrapped it tightly around my body. I walked slow in general, but I made a point to walk slightly slower this morning to the dinning room. Levi matched my pace without a single reaction, probably assuming that I was simply getting slower when really I was just dreading every second that we neared that room.

And right on time, as soon as we entered through the double doors my stomach twisted in anxiety and a minor wave of hunger pains that weren't finished torturing me just yet. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and gritted my teeth, trying to focus only on not falling over from the mix of weakness and now pain and nerves. Which earned a compassionate glance from Levi next to me.

While I detested the proximity I had with food right now, I was relieved to be able to lean on the counter for support. I took a moment to rest before reaching out with a shaky arm to grab a bowl and fill it with less cereal than any other person could live on, though I didn't intend to eat much of it if at all. Normally I would have been able to finish getting my stuff together before Levi, but he seemed to have it done faster this morning and stopped my just as I turned around.

"Eren, wait." He called, facing me with his own bowl in hand. I froze for a moment, and turned around.

I watched on with curiosity as he began to walk off to the far corner of the room and gestured for me to follow. I swallowed thickly, not having such a good feeling about the situation but deciding to follow him anyways. I didn't really have a choice. He lead me a short distance to a vacant table that sat off to the side, in the very corner of the room. No body ever used it, but there were a few missing chairs from where people had taken them for their tables, and four remained symmetrical to each other on each end.

He took a seat at one of the two closest to the wall and pointed to the chair directly across from him, and tapped the table as a way of telling me to sit. I hesitated, not necessarily comfortable with the idea of being isolated with Levi at breakfast when I instantly knew exactly what his intentions where. But again, I didn't have a choice. I couldn't simply walk away from him, because that would start an argument. And arguments lead to me losing my temper and that of course leads to me acting like a shitstain and hurting him.

Not wanting any of that to happen, I decided the smartest course of action would be to oblige and sit at the chair he gestured to. I placed the glass bowl down onto the table with a soft clink and spread the soft blanket over my lap as I sat down cautiously, not wanting to move too quickly. I nervously played with my fingers under the table and avoided his gaze, which I knew was on me. 

"You told me that you wanted me to help, so that's what i'm going to try to do. Are you upset about that?" He spoke the last part cautiously, and I still refused to meet his gaze even as I shook my head in response.

In truth, it did upset me a bit even though I knew it shouldn't. He wanted to help, and he had a point, I did tell him I wanted him to do so. Though it would seem I was out of my fucking mind when I said that, or perhaps in a sane state of mind that was now gone without a trace. Even so and whatever the case, I never confirmed that I would participate remotely or give any effort what so ever. I just couldn't, it was something I cant beat and really didn't want to. Even though the tiny voice that was easily drown out by my self hate tells me that I need help, that I want it.

"Just a few bites is all i'm asking, because its better than nothing." He was sure to keep his words soft yet loud enough to be heard above the noise, obviously treading carefully with the subject. "And I don't want to see you running off to the bathroom, okay?" He added.

I remained silent, my thoughts varying between 'fuck I need to walk away' and 'I don't want to fight with him'. I didn't know what to do, however I knew I wanted to refuse him. Besides, I didn't even feel hungry although the pain that lingered in my stomach told me that I truly was but learned not to recognize it. But I was trapped in this situation, and I found myself regretting the fact that I sat down moments ago but then again I really didn't have a choice.

My two options were to refuse accepting the situation and effectively start yet another argument, or listen to him and hate myself for it every remaining second until the food has somehow left my body. But that last one wasn't really an option of mine, since I simply didn't think I could do it. I was aware of what a horrible person I was for choosing the disorder over Levi, but it just wasn't that easy to abjure and I wasn't mentally capable of doing so.

"Please don't make me." It came out even more pleading than I had intended, my desperation showing so clearly through my voice. I was begging even though I knew what the outcome would ultimately be.

"Eren..." He shook his head slowly, the look of worry growing on his otherwise phlegmatic face. "You have to."

"I don't have to do anything." I tried but partially failed to keep any snap out of my tone, antipathy creeping its way in as my temper slipped. Even so, I was actually trying to push the hostility I felt aside and remain impassive if anything.

Levis expression contorted in disbelief as apposed to worry though the concern was still there, but the way his eyebrows furrowed told me there was some frustration too. I couldn't blame him, i'd be frustrated with me too. He searched my eyes for a moment, as if looking desperately for any sign that I was joking or something, however I held a cold mask to portray the exact opposite.

"Are you seriously going to do this again, even after last night? You told me you wanted help." He held my gaze firmly as though it would help sway me, but it wasn't happening.

"Yeah I say a lot of things I don't mean." I could only regret it after I had said it, and I knew I was going to hate myself impossibly more later for letting my temper get the best of me but it felt impossible to control at the moment.

And I knew it was an absolute fuck up when I watched his face once again change, though this time it went cold. Much like how I was keeping mine but only his mask was perfected to not show any emotion at all. He did that when he was hurting. I hurt him again. Even after I was so determined not to, but when the moment came my temper control was out the window.

He stayed silent for a very long few moments, though not long enough for me to gather myself and somehow form an apology through my irritation. And when he opened his mouth to speak, his words were just as cold as his expression.

"Right, like how you promised me you'd never leave me?" His eyes were so full of emotion that I couldn't determine a particular one, but his tone portrayed none at all. "You lied, you promised you would always be with me no matter what. But guess what? You're dying. You're fucking dying and i'm only trying to keep my promise that I made to you last night when I said i'd never give up on you. But obviously the promises you make mean nothing to you. If you die, I will kill myself Eren because I can't live without you"

The last part made my blood run cold, I didn't want to believe that since I've always convinced myself that he'd be just fine without me but the idea that he actually wouldn't hurt me. It made me rethink my whole mindset about not caring what happens to me, but couldn't make me rethink this all together. But still, I couldn't help but feel he's using that against me.

"Are you trying to guilt trip me now?" I scoffed as I once again said something i'd regret later, but it was too late to save myself at this point so fuck it.

"No, i'm not. I'm just telling you how it is. Do you think this is a fucking game or something? I love you, nobody else can make me happy so whats the point in living without the one person who makes me happy? But that's not going to happen, because I keep my fucking promises and I won't give up no matter what you say to hurt me." Little by little the emotion leaked back into his voice as he went on and made it impossible not to believe. "Now please, i'll leave you alone for the morning is you just eat three fucking bites."

I sighed heavily, nearly running my fingers through my hair our of stress and habit but immediately stopped before I could move an inch, so I simply took to resting my forehead in my hand instead.

"I'm not going to die, stop that." I said as I lifted my head from my hand to look at him. "I'll be fine, I know what i'm doing." I used the same tired excuse that he's probably fed up with hearing, but I did know what I was doing for the most part.

"No you don't! I'm not kidding Eren, you need to eat this morning or i'm scared your going to collapse. You can barley walk, please." He pushed on, which was working at my nerves more. I was scum for getting this pissed at him but I really couldn't help it.

"I'm not going to." I crossed my arms stubbornly and leaned back.

"You have to."

"You can't make me." I spat back, and suddenly things got quiet once again.

I could see his jaw shift as he tightened it in what I assumed to be frustration, though I couldn't be for sure. He blinked a few times, glancing down as if he was thinking however after a few moments he looked back up with a deadly serious expression. And then he spoke.

"I can if I tell the guards."

I was in utter disbelief that he would threaten that, and it had been something that I never thought of before. I could vaguely remember Sasha telling me about that a little bit after I got here, she told me that if I didn't eat that I could be put on watch and forced to eat. Though it would seem they didn't really care about looking out for people not eating but it would be different if they were told.

"You wouldn't." I narrowed my eyes as I spoke in a low, almost growl. I couldn't decide if I should be scared or pissed to oblivion, but I knew I wasn't giving in.

"Try me, Eren." His tone was serious and firm, though still somehow lacking the anger that mine had. It was pretty sad that someone with a disorder that souly makes their temper wear easy was better at controlling it than me.

I felt trapped, like I couldn't do anything and the only thing I could do was to reluctantly acquiesce. But I refused to do so. We had pretty much already argued, so what was the point of trying to save both our feelings at this point? There was nothing stopping me from walking away, although I knew it was going to make matters worse but it was the only option I was willing to take. But I could have done without opening my mouth.

"Fuck you." I said lowly under my breath as I stood far too abruptly, nearly knocking my chair over in the process. Now was not the time to get dizzy, but of course it came anyways.

But when it did fade moments later I could see the flash of sheer hurt in his eyes and had it not been for my toxic temper and refusal to let things go until I can cool off, I would have rushed to apologize. I knew I fucked up, it was already bad enough I was walking away from him but to let myself say something like that. I was a piece of shit. I may not have thought about it before I spoke, but that was no fucking excuse.

Even so with my guilt, I still turned to walk away with one more glare in his direction, and another stab of pain in my heart as I saw his pain increase. I angerly walked over to the table that we normally sat at, which was a fair distance and it was hard to keep a standard angry pace that whole way so I managed to slow down quite a bit and ended up exhausted by the time i was there. Though i kept my arms crossed with a irate expression on my face that I tried to hide a bit as I sat.

Everyone stopped their conversations to look over at me, even Hanji, obviously confused by my sudden rather sour entrance. I didn't say a word, because if I opened my mouth something bad would come out. I didn't want them to speak to me and I sure as hell didn't want to speak to anyone, I simply didn't want to be with Levi at the moment.

"What's the matter Jaeger, lovers quarrel?" My eye immediately twitched upon hearing Jeans obnoxious voice from the other end of the table. Oh I was so not in the fucking mood for this.

"Shut the fuck up you stupid fucking asshole, I am not in the mood for your shit and I suggest you stop right there. Seriously, fuck you." This time I didn't feel a single ounce of regret or guilt saying it, if anything I felt slightly better being able to take my anger out on somebody I actually hate.

It would seem Jean decided to take the smartest course of action and shut his mouth, however admittedly my threats were empty because I lacked the energy to even throw a single punch and he would be at a huge advantage. But I assumed he thought differently, he definitely had a reason to think so since i'm one of the people locked in the extra security rooms meant for those who've committed murder. His intimidation is understandable and I took a sick sort of pride in that.

"Eren, are you okay?" Came Sasha's soft voice, she was sitting across from me and I found that the same concerned expression Levi wore painted her face as I looked over at her.

"What did Levi say?" Hanji chimed in, the happiness in her tone surprisingly turned down a notch with a barley traceable note of concern that was definitely there. I sighed and shook my head.

"I'm fine, and he didn't do anything." The first part was a lie, the anger was slowly fading away as pain began to set in. However the last part was the truth, it was me that hurt him and I felt so horrible.

"Are you sure? We can talk in private if somethings wrong..." She spoke a bit more quietly but with the silence around the table it was pointless since most likely everyone heard her, but it was an appreciated effort.

"No really, i'm totally fine." I tried to brush it off with the most convincing half smile I could manage, but it felt as though I failed horribly at that. I couldn't smile after how bad I fucked up.

Sasha appeared skeptical about it, she seemed to think over it and examine my features for a long few moments before apparently deciding to let it go. However not without someone else chiming in with another question on a different note but still touchy subject.

"But aren't you gonna eat?" Marco questioned, he seemed just as concerned as well but I knew he didn't know the half of what he was saying. I had to keep myself from physically cringing.

"I already ate with him." I immediately threw out the lie effortlessly, the excuse coming naturally to me as if lying were my second nature. And it practically was at this point.

Everyone left me alone after that, either sensing my obvious bad mood or actually believing that I was fine. Either way I was glad to be left in my silence. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, besides Levi of course though at the same time I didn't. I wanted to apologize and hope to make things better but I didn't want to get lectured. My irritation began to fade fully as depression set in.

I spent the rest of breakfast with my cheek propped in the palm of my hand, staring down at the empty spot on the table before me and thinking about how fucked I was. Because no matter how I look at it, i'm fucked. Its either I eat or keep arguing and I didn't want to choose neither. So lost in thought, I barley heard the echoing voice of one guard announcing it was time to leave.

I stayed behind as everyone else walked passed me and out the door, waiting on Levi who seemed to be taking his time. He probably knew I was waiting on him and was mad or something, I couldn't blame him. But still I didn't want him to be mad even though he had every right to be. He made no indication of knowing that I was watching him, waiting on him to walk my way.

Though when he did notice, he spared me less than two seconds of eye contact before looking back down at the ground as he walked with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. As he passed, I joined by his side and noticed how he slowed down slightly so that I could keep up. At least he wasn't trying to walk away, which was something I probably would have done had I been on his end.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked softly once we had passed by the guards and entered the long white hallway. He still wouldn't look at me.

"I don't know." He said almost mockingly, keeping his cold eyes set on the ground. "You really said some fucked up things to me, but you always do that. I don't know why i'm surprised."

That hurt pretty badly. He was mad, that much was very clear however he seemed to be holding back a lot. He was so tolerant of my shit, another prime example of why I did not deserve him.

"I d-" I started but was immediately cut off.

"Didn't mean it? Where did I hear that before..." The clear bitterness in his tone felt like daggers going straight through my heart, but I knew I deserved every word.

I went silent after that, having ran out of excuses and nothing left to say. I simply kept my eyes casted down the same as Levi. He didn't say a word either, remaining quiet as we neared the pair of double doors at the end of the hall. I walked with my freezing hands balled in the pockets of my extremely baggy sweatpants that barley hugged my waist enough to stay up anymore, feeling like a total asshole for upsetting Levi.

Not a word was spoken even after we had sat down at the cream colored couch that was so familiar to me now, and the fact that he sat a lot further away from me than usual was unsettling to say the least. He sat with his legs crossed, his arms folded across his chest and his head turned away from me. I wanted to call his attention and say something, but there was nothing I could say to excuse myself and I knew that. But it was worth a shot.

"I'm really really sorry Levi, I honestly didn't mean it." The words came out almost pleadingly, projecting how truly sorry I was but even so I knew how fucked up the things I say are and how sorry can't cut it anymore.

I noticed his shoulders stiffen slightly just as I spoke before they rose and fell with a deep sigh. He took quite a few moments to respond, but he soon turned his head to face me so that I could clearly see the mix of irritation and hurt in his eyes, though his face was still indifferent.

"That's what you said last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. I'm sick of you hurting me being a daily thing." He spoke rather sharply, his tone not being one I was use to hearing and sending another jolt of pain through my heart. But I could still tell he was holding back quite a bit.

"No really, i'm so sorry. I just can't control it..." It was no excuse but it was the truth, for some reason it was the hardest thing to do.

"Eren, i'm Bipolar. But even I can put a cap on my frustration with you so that's not an excuse and honestly its quite sad. And believe me, sometimes its really fucking hard to keep my mouth shut. But you know what? I do it because I don't want to hurt you." Even though it hurt, I simply sat back and let him tell me how he felt. I needed to hear it and really deserved the pain. "This needs to stop." He finished after a slight pause.

I felt so horrible. Even though just last night a promised myself that I would control my words, even after seeing him cry over me, I still managed to royally fuck up. At the very least I could have thought about what I was saying before I said it, but even that was so hard to do in the heat of the moment. I knew that I had a hot temper, I always have. But it was never this bad, so bad that I would take my anger out on the one I love so much who only wanted to help.

"I know it does, I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel horrible about it because I love you so much and don't want to hurt you and I tell myself that I need to think before I speak but its just so hard..." I could feel tears burning in my sleep deprived eyes, threatening to fall.

But then the expression on Levis face immediately softened and his hand shot out to gently rest over mine. I sniffled and tried with all my power to hold the pathetic tears back, not wanting to cry two days in a row. I never wanted to cry at all in front of him, it made me feel weak. Which is something that in reality I was mentally and physically.

"Please don't cry. I forgive you as long as you promise me here and now that you will work on your temper. Just please don't cry." It amazed me how even in this situation where he had every right to be completely pissed off at me and actually was, he still somehow was able to switch from anger to sympathy and care in an instant. The fact that I couldn't do that for him hurt.

I quickly brought my free hand up to my face to wipe away the tears before they could fall, blinking a few times in an attempt to clear any remaining or potential tears that actually succeeded. With my other hand, I held onto his tightly. But it probably wasn't so tight to him, though it would seem he recognized the effort by the way he have my hand a gentle squeeze.

"I will, I promise I will. I'm sorry." I felt the need to apologize again even though it probably wouldn't make that much of a difference, but I was still so thankful for easily gaining the forgiveness that I do not deserve at all.

Now that I promised, I would absolutely have to make my strongest effort to avoid saying stupid shit. I didn't want to break a promise and prove what he said at breakfast right, that my promises mean nothing to me. They really do, and I was determined to keep this one. Actually truthfully determined this time.

"Its alright." He spoke softly in the tone that I had missed since it disappeared earlier, he pulled me gently and quite effortlessly to sit close by his side and wrapped an arm around me to keep me as close as possible. "I'm sorry also, I really shouldn't have said the guard thing. I wouldn't really do that."

I didn't think he would, but I was still a bit unsure and scared of what would happen if he did. It came as a huge relief to hear him say that he really wouldn't, though I should have figured that when he did nothing even after I walked away. I wrapped my arms around his torso and rested my head on his shoulder, loving how it felt to be held by him and enjoying it thoroughly since I knew I didn't deserve it after everything I put him through.

"I'll forgive you as long as you forgive me." I tired to add the air of playfulness to my tone and looked over at him.

When he turned his head also, our eyes met and the slightest of smiles crept its way across his lips. There was no way that anything about this situation could be lighthearted in anyway but I had to at least tried to make it that way, everything had been so tense and angry lately, I just wanted things to be normal between us. Like they were for a short time after we had gotten together.

"Then all is forgiven." His tone was slightly playful as well, and he leaned over to kiss me.

I knew that all wasn't really forgiven, it was simply attempted to be forgotten about for the moment but it would always be there in the back of our minds. And even though I would try so hard to prevent it there wasn't a single guarantee that this situation wouldn't repeat itself but only the outcome could be much worse. But I didn't want to think about it, so I kissed him back and tried my best to push that thought out of mind.

The more time passed that evening, the more I started to panic about dinner. I knew that I probably had to eat tonight and there was no way getting around it, not only because Levi but because I had reached way past my limit and couldn't even stand too well anymore. I didn't want him to think that by me eating I was trying to get better, because that's something I really did not want to do. But at least he would leave me alone for one night.

Of course this comes at the cost of hating myself and having the extreme urge to shove my fingers down my throat constantly that I knew I couldn't act on. While I was physically weak and couldn't take much more, my mind was still going strong and wanted to outlast my body. But with going on whole days without eating at all, with the exception of last night, I was feeling the worst I've ever felt. But mentally, it felt sort of good. Like in a sick way, I was proud of myself. I knew how fucked up that had to be to anyone who wouldn't understand.

But still with all that said, I had to eat something in order to stay alive because at the moment I literally felt like death. My head was pounding and my stomach burned as if it was eating itself. My fingers felt so cold that I almost thought they would break off and shatter if I were to move them too much, and moving a single inch exhausted me more than ever as my limbs felt like weights. I never really thought about just how bad with how far along I am must be, but I would assume I was at one of the worst points. Next to death of course.

I was left extremely lightheaded with how fast I had to move as the double doors to the hall way flung open, revealing a guard in uniform who announced dinner. I didn't have a problem with this particular guard, but the simple fact that he had to go and do his job and make us all go to dinner made me hate him irrationally. After shouting the announcement into the room with an echo, he turned and began walking back down the hall, leaving the doors open for everyone.

Once he was gone Levi stood on his feet, extending a hand down to me as if he knew that I would have trouble getting up without falling. Of course he knew. I hated accepting the pity filled gesture, however no mater how much I hated it I knew better than to think I could get up on my own. Well, I could but it would take forever and far too much effort and energy that I don't have. So I reached out to grab his hand, and albeit reluctantly accept his offer.

He put most of the effort in gently pulling me to my feet, and once I was standing with his support, I felt a rush of dizziness. I closed my eyes for a moment and leaned on him, probably putting my entire weight on him though it didn't seem to be an issue with him. I waited a long few moments for the lightheartedness to fade enough for me to stand on my own, however even when it did standing all by myself was a task.

My legs didn't feel strong enough at all to support my weight, but I forced myself to break free of his grasp and stand on my own. He instantly placed a concerned hand on my shoulder and gave me a look that said the same thing, a look that I was getting sick of seeing on his face but felt as though i'd be seeing it for a while. But I returned the look with one of my own that said I would be fine, and shrugged his hand off of my shoulder.

My legs felt so heavy and weak at the same time, but not so bad that I felt the undying urge to collapse, so it could be worse. But it was still pretty shitty, my everything felt like shit for that matter. Levi remained by my side, matching my slow pace with ease and being sure not to get ahead of me. I was freaking out in the inside, knowing I had to eat but really really not wanting to. The only one upside would be avoiding an argument with Levi tonight.

I was absolutely exhausted by the time we made it to the dinning room, everything hurt and I only wanted to sit. I hugged my blanket tighter around me as a draft of cold air hit me and sent a chill down my spine. Levi watched me unsurely as we came to a stop at the bar of food, and I was unsure myself. I wanted so badly to get rid of this pain but not as badly as I wanted to be thin. I swallowed thickly.

His eyes remained on me as I grabbed a plate and filled it with far more than I knew I was really going to eat, but I found that by getting more than necessary teaches me self control and when to stop, so at least one good thing would come out of this. Benefiting in even the slightest was still something. I was almost ready to leave the area once his eyes finally left me and he went about his own business, and I waited on him for once. Like a good boyfriend would do. Not being a total dick and walking off like always.

I wasn't surprised when he lead me to the same isolated table and sat me down across from him, but I couldn't say I didn't feel worry in the pit of my stomach. However that was simply over the fact that I had to put something in it. He looked uneasy, like he didn't want to say anything but he had something he wanted so badly to say. I had a good guess of what it would be, and given my previous behavior I could understand why he would be scared to speak. But still, he did.

"Will you...?" He left out the last word as though it was toxic, but even unspoken I knew what he was saying.

I kept the expression on my face completely neutral in hopes of eliminating the worry that so obviously manifested across his face. It was so wrong that he had to be scared to try to help me, it almost reminded me of how mom became scared of even trying helping dad with his alcoholism. The thought that I could become remotely like him made me sick to the core. I wanted to punch myself in the face then and there.

"I don't want to..." I admitted in a tone that I consciously kept gentle, and I could see him begin to flinch from expecting to to yell at him. I was scum. "But I kinda have to." I continued.

I watched the expression on his face fade into relief, clearly glad that I was going to finally put something in my stomach and keep it there. Under his watch of course, if I didn't know that he would stop me I probably would heavily conciser getting the food out of me immediately even though I needed it to keep the last bit of health I had.

"Thank you, Eren." The relief was unmistakable and the hope in his eyes was so misplaced, if he expected this to be a regular thing he would be quickly disappointed.

"I'm only doing it because I can't go any longer without food. Don't take it as me trying to get better." I tried to keep any snap out of my tone and actually succeeded for once, mostly because I wasn't upset or remotely irritated at the moment. Good for me.

His expression instantly fell a bit, obviously disappointed by my words but it was the truth. I didn't want him to be mislead, which he obviously already was. But I just hoped he wouldn't press it any further tonight, I really really didn't want to fight anymore, especially when it was unnecessary. Like tonight.

"One step at a time." He stated simply and a bit quietly, as if this was some kind of step to recovery in his mind.

I really didn't want to take it any further, so if that was what he thought I was going to leave it alone for tonight so he can learn otherwise in the morning or something. Just not tonight. So kept my mouth shut and took glaring down at the plate of food that sat before me, looking completely full to me but probably mostly empty for any normal person.

I took a deep breath and moved a shaking hand to grab the fork that rested at the rim of my plate. I could feel Levi watching me expectantly, which made me uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as the immediate feeling of sheer hunger I felt. It was as though my stomach somehow recognized that I was about to eat and suddenly began begging or something. I knitted my eyebrows and lifted the fork to my mouth that I had to force open, my mind once again working against my body.

But as the time went on, my body began to overpower my mind against my will, and when I knew I should put the fork down I couldn't. I hesitated often, the voice in my head screaming at me to stop but I kept eating anyways. The relief I felt was almost as powerful as the burning guilt that twisted in my gut. I was aware of how bad I was fucking up but I just couldn't bring myself to stop eating.

This was what I was always afraid of, a crack in my self control that had grown as strong as steal at this point, but obviously not strong enough. Perhaps it was that annoying little part of me that wanted to get better taking over but I simply blamed it on my sudden lack of self control. But even though I was eating way too much, I still couldn't possibly finish everything even if I wanted to. I was completely full soon.

In reality, I really didn't eat that much. Maybe five bites more than I usually would, but it still felt like way too much. I hated myself. During whatever amount of time it took me to fuck up everything I've worked for, I failed to notice that Levi had decided to stop watching me so intently and go back to silently eating at a steady pace. Though the sound of my metal fork resting against the glass plate brought his attention back to me.

I wasn't sure what expression my face held and if it matched just how I felt, but I felt disgusting. I felt no immediate effects other than the slowly disappearing hollow feeling that always occupied my stomach, and even though the emptiness sometimes hurt, this felt somehow worse. I rested the side of my face in the hand that once held my fork and chewed the inside of my cheek anxiously.

"Do you feel better?" I lifted my eyes as I heard Levi speak, his question almost offended me. But I was too full of self hate for there to be any room for irritation with anyone but myself.

Instead of voicing an answer, I merely shook my head and adverted my eyes back down to the table, making a point to only stare at the table and keep the food out of my sight. I wanted nothing more but to get up and run to the bathroom where relief awaits. Better relief that is. My body felt relieved for reasons I hated but if only I could regain that hollowness and relieve my mind.

"I need to go to the bathroom." My voice came out monotone, and even though I knew he wasn't about to let it happen I still concluded it was worth a pathetic shot. I refused to look at his face.

"Please don't, it'll be okay." Even though i couldn't see his face, I could hear the pity in his tone. Pity and assurance that I did not want.

I knew that dinner had to be almost over since Levi was finished eating and as was everyone else. That made a panic flare inside of me, knowing that I only have this short window left to get this horrid food out of me yet not being able to under Levi's watch. So I was left with my furious thoughts for the last minus remaining, though of course Levi attempted to spark up conversation multiple times just to get my mind off of the thoughts he knew were going through my mind.

And when the end finally did come, I noticed the slightest of differences in my strength as I got to my feet. I was still so incredibly weak, however I didn't feel as though i'd collapse every second I was standing on my own. I felt sick with myself when we had left through the double doors and entered the hallway, all chances of correcting myself vanishing as we left the room. I wanted to cry.

At least we were able to go straight to our rooms tonight, the only thing I wanted to do was lay down and roll around in self hate. The only thing below shoving my fingers down my throat of course, but I couldn't do that as much as I wanted to. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and cry as soon as we crossed from the hallway into our room and the metal door slammed shut behind us, and then we were locked in.

I didn't want to change for the simple fact that I didn't want to have to take my shirt off and expose my disgusting body for Levi and worse, myself to see. I did my best to change quickly, but with my still drastically low level of strength it was complicated. I was already very triggered at the moment, but removing the thick sweatshirt and seeing my disgusting stomach made it so much worse. And what made it even worse was seeing the deep scars on my arms that looked so extreme next to the few patches of raw skin from where I had previously scratched on multiple occasions.

If I couldn't get the food out of me to make me feel better, the next best thing that I long for was a blade to give me relief that was almost as good. I missed slicing my skin until blood ran down my arms at alarming rates in multiple crimson rivers and dripped down onto whatever surface awaits. scratching and sometimes biting was just enough to satisfy me on other occasions, but on this particular one it wouldn't be enough. This was the worst I've felt mentally in a long time, all because I lack self control.

My eyes blurred with tears just as I finished tying the string of my pants tightly on on my waist, a single drop falling onto the white tile below, and oh how I wished for it to be blood instead. Quickly, I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand and turned to walk to the bed Levi and I shared. And it was then that I realized I must have been thinking far longer than I had thought, because Levi already sat underneath the covers with the most sympathetic look on his face.

I blinked a few times to clear any remaining tears and closed the short distance to our bed, wordlessly climbing underneath the covers and laying with my back to him. I could feel the uncomfortable sting that told me that I was about to cry and there was nothing I could do about it, and i'd rather not let him see me cry pathetically for the second night in a row. I closed my eyes tightly and held my breath, letting the tears flow rapidly down onto the pillow I rested on.

My hand carefully found my other arm and pulled up the sleeve silently, careful not to alert Levi as I drew my now exposed arm closer to my chest. My fingernails weren't too sharp at all but they were sharp enough to hurt when I began scratching hard at the spot just below the thick scar left behind from my attempt at suicide that I so often desperately wished had succeeded.

It had only been thirty seconds or so since I had laid down before I felt Levis arm wrapping around me and his warm body pressed up against my back, I stilled my actions but left my hand where it was, slightly shocked when his hand came over to rest against mine and draw it away form my arm. He held my hand gently in his.

"Don't do that, I promise its going to be okay. But please don't hurt yourself." He spoke so softly by my ear, serving to make my tears flow faster. 

I shook with silent sobs that I was trying so hard to suppress, but when my control finally broke and I couldn't keep them in anymore, I turned over in his arms and buried my face in his chest and let go. I felt so incredibly pathetic letting him see me cry two nights in a row, but I just couldn't hold it in any longer. The voice in my head was screaming so loud about how fucking stupid I was, how it would be so much better if I would just die. I couldn't take it. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and sobbed.

I don't remember the last tear I shed, so I knew I must have cried myself to sleep. I could only remember Levi whispering soft assurances of how much he loved and cared about me just as I slipped into unconsciousness. The sleep that awaited was wretched, nightmares plagued my slumber as they did every night as a constant reminder of what a fuck up I was who simply didn't deserve a life. Even if Levi thought different, I couldn't bring myself to think any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C'mon we all had to have seen it coming that Eren wouldn't try to recover that easy. That and I may or may not be dragging things out. Yeah. So I hope you enjoyed this angsty chapter, please comment if you did. My little heart grows three sizes when I read them!~


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot begin to tell you guys how sorry I am for this extremely late and rather short update. I've just been feeling really shitty lately and totally not in the mood to write I know, i'm horrible. Crumbling mental health is a bitch. And also, the family computer had stopped working and I am currently writing this from my laptop, which if you remember I said its screen is stuck in negative effect, so I cant see shit. So sorry if there's a million spelling errors. I also cut this chapter off at the halfway point because I wanted to put a update up soon because c'mon its been like over a month. And I repeat, I feel like shit and that means my writing is probably noticeably more terrible. So sorry if this chapter sucks.  
> Trigger warning for a brief mention of self-harm!  
> I hope you guys enjoy this shitty update regardless!

I always woke up feeling like shit, so needless to say when I didn't the next morning it was a bit weird. Well, I mean I still felt like shit, but not so much that the thought of walking made me want to fall over and just stay on the floor forever rolling in my shame and self hate. I was still hungry, however the usual hollowness I felt was near none existent and replaced with very minor hunger pains that felt more like small grumbles over anything.

As I moved slowly in the arms still wrapped around me to prop myself up on my elbow, I noticed that Levi was actually sleeping. I didn't know just how long that he has been but I knew that at the moment he was by the way his face was completely relaxed, his breathing slow and even through his slightly parted pale lips. It brought a distant feeling of content to know that he was sleeping for once, and by the looks of it he was sleeping peacefully.

After the long few moments spent gazing down at Levis soft sleeping face, my arm grew tired of supporting my weight and I had to carefully lay my head back down on Levis bicep that rested beneath me. I was a bit shocked that I was even able to hold myself up on my elbow for the first time in a long time, had this been any other previous day I wouldn't be able to muster up the energy to do so. Admittedly, feeling slightly less like death was a nice change but I still didn't intend to get use to it.

My mentality remained exactly the same as its been, nothing said to me and nothing I experienced has changed my mind nor would it. I was stubborn, so the one little fuck up last night was not nearly enough to discourage me. If anything I was now more determined to not make the same mistakes. The only thing I would have to change is my attitude, as impossible as it seems, I knew I had to control my toxic temper and hold my tongue from now on. No matter how pissed I may be. It would be so hard but I refused to let myself hurt him again, directly with the horrible things I say at least.

I sighed lightly and let my body relax against the hard mattress that i'd grown so use to and carefully wrapped an arm around the warm body next to me. I leaned a bit to nuzzle my face into the fabric of his shirt, dreading the wake up call soon to come by the one and only Hanji. And her voice wasn't the greatest to hear first thing in the morning if at all, so next to the reluctance to even move this morning there was that to fear as well.

I was all too content simply laying next to Levi and his warmth, savoring the ability to move without becoming fully exhausted within a few seconds. I hated the thought of getting up to face my harsh reality and wanted nothing more than to just block it from my mind for the time remaining that I had left to relax though it was persistent and refused to leave my mind. I had no idea how I was going to deal with the day, I had made up my mind that I would not eat breakfast however I knew Levi wouldn't like that. But it was something I didn't really have a choice on.

I never planned how to deal with and what to say to him beforehand in situations like that, which I really should, but it wouldn't be any use anyways since he's learned all my lies by now and I could almost guarantee he wouldn't buy it. I was running out of ideas at this point, actually I think its safe to say I have no more ideas, so the only thing I could really do was improvise when the situation does come up.

It was a bit surprising that Levi was still asleep, that or he mastered faking it. Which I knew he couldn't be doing because he seemed too at peace, his breathing was too even and and features were too softened. I limited my movements to as little as possible as to not disturb him when he seemed to be sleeping good for the first time in I have no idea how long, though it did come to an end when the sound of multiple locks releasing loudly made me jump slightly and also awoke Levi in the process. I could tell by how his muscles tensed.

"Rise and shine love birds~" Came Hanjis too gleeful voice as she popped her head through the door, saying so not loud enough for it to echo through the halls but loud enough for it to carry over to us clearly. Levi groaned.

The fact that Levi wasn't already sitting up and giving Hanji his icy stare of death and or reciting every possible swear word to her until she left was pretty weird, I suppose he really must have slept good. He simply rolled over on his back and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, I barley registered the door shutting as Hanji left and didn't know if she had said anything before taking her leave, I wasn't really listening.

"Did you sleep well?" I voiced the question I have been wondering, though I had assumed the answer was yes.

A small muffled noise escaped his throat as he stretched out his back before letting his body fall limp against the bed once more, and then a sigh fell past his slightly parted lips. When his admittedly more lively blue eyes met with mine as he turned his head, I could see that the dark bags under his eyes were a lot less defined than they had been forever now. He moved to sit up.

"Surprisingly yeah, a lot better than I have in a really long time." His voice actually sounded as close to content as possible, while normally he was more irritable in the morning. Though, of course he never directly displayed it towards me.

It made me happy to hear that he actually slept last night. Well, as close to happiness as one in my situation could get, I was pretty sure I didn't know what real happiness felt like anymore. But even so, I was glad. It was easy to forget that I wasn't the only one facing an endless supply of shit that life constantly throws at me, and I knew how selfish it was to forget such. Levi had as many problems as I did and the fact that he slept through the night was the slightest show of potential improvement.

As much as my body willed me not to, I figured that I had better get up now. So despite my bones cry of protest, I forced myself up in a sitting position next to Levi. While I felt noticeably more energetic, I was still very weak. I was already exhausted by the effort it took to sit up, because of course one simple meal wasn't enough to make me feel like a normal person again. I was too far beyond that point. However it felt like that one simple meal made me gain ten pounds.

"Glad to hear it." I tried to hide the exhaustion that I felt and gave a small smile, I was truly glad but I had to make an effort to even half smile convincingly. Smiling has always been to hard.

Levi emitted a short hum of acknowledgement as he shifted his gaze over to me. I noticed he looked somehow more hopeful this morning, it wasn't a major difference, in face it was barley noticeable however it was still there. As though he thought everything would be okay from here, but he had to be wiser than that. He had to know in reality nothing would be okay and if he did have hope, it was misplaced. It only worsened how bad I felt about not being able nor wanting to make a change for him, aside from my temper issues.

"How are you feeling?" The question soon rose and had an anxious feeling bubbling up in the pit of my stomach for some reason.

"Alright, I guess. A little better." I admitted, because I did feel just a bit better and I would like to make a point to keep my lies to a minimum from now on.

A small smile, a very small smile grazed his lips as he leaned towards me to place a gentle and chaste kiss on my cheek. My heart fluttered for a moment in my chest after the quick motion had ended, and before I could register, he was moving to get up from the bed. Which was probably a good choice, we had most likely wasted far too much time sitting around. I let my fingers lightly rest atop the spot where his lips were briefly, although I could still feel a tingle that they left behind.

But I was quick to snap myself back to reality and let my weakened arm fall back to my side, and as reluctant as I was to do so, I forced myself to follow behind Levi and pushed myself to stand. Carefully and slowly, I rose to my feet in an attempt not to get extremely dizzy. And while it worked slightly, I was still very lightheaded for a few moments. Admittedly it wasn't as bad as it could have been, or has been in the past. It was actually bearable this time, so much that I didn't have to grip onto the closest surface to keep myself form tumbling over.

After the dizzy fog had faded from my mind and my body was left able to function at least half properly, I willed my legs to bring me to my dresser that was actually only a few steps away but with my slowly deteriorating strength it seemed too far to even attempt. But as I did every morning, I forced myself to make my way there as fast as I could, of course not too fast. I wasn't stupid. Well, not completely anyways.

It was a slight relief that came when I finally reached the dresser that once seemed too far out of reach and I was able to support myself on its surface, but relief is still relief. I closed my eyes for a few moments and took some time to breathe, seemingly winded from the walk. And I've decided at that moment, no that one meal did not make a difference. I was still in such a horrible condition, but it was to be expected. I should be use to it by now, but there was still a tiny part of me silently praying that that one meal would have given me just a bit more strength.

I knew that I was limited on just how much time I could take to recover, so I gave up on the attempt prematurely to struggle with pulling the weight of my dresser drawer open and further struggling to sift through the clothes. But I didn't do much searching, I more or less picked the very first few items that my fingers grazed, I couldn't waste my energy on fashion. That was the absolute least of my worries.

What I had blindly chosen would seem to be a dark grey long sleeved shirt, the fabric pretty thin but I wasn't willing to find something else. The rest of the outfit was simple sweatpants that were too big for me, though it's like most of my clothes were lately. I barley even tried to push the drawer in fully, only succeeding to half close it before tossing my clothes down on the top of the dresser.

I couldn't even bring myself to look down at my body as I removed my shirt, fearing to find that I had gained weight from my fuck up last night. Something told me if I had, it wouldn't necessarily show so quick but the gut twisting guilt I felt was more than enough to keep my eyes set firmly forward. I mindlessly discarded my shirt to the floor and attempted to quickly pull the new one on as fast as I could. It was so cold and I wanted to be as warm as possible, but that wasn't very warm. I could never escape this bone deep chill.

I could faintly remember this shirt, I would always wear it during summer since it was so thin, which confirmed my earlier thoughts that wearing this would not be a good idea. But fuck it. I could also remember that it use to be sort of tight fitting, however now it just hung loosely around my whole upper body, appearing to be quite a few sizes too big. While i'm sure a small part of my brain recognized this for what it was, the rest of me refused to acknowledge it.

I also refused to acknowledge just how tightly I had to tie the string of my sweat pants around my waist, and how even so they still were loose. I brought my hands together, trying to create a warmth by rubbing them together, but it took too much energy to get very far with that so I stopped. My eyes caught on the light blue color that was setting underneath my frail and weak nails, something that should really concern me more than it did. But I simply let my hands fall back to my sides, sleeves drooping almost past the tips of my fingers.

Of course, Levi was already fully dressed by the time I turned towards the door, awaiting my company so we could get going. That oh so familiar sense of dread returned to the pit of my stomach, I didn't want to go to breakfast. I never wanted to, but this morning I really didn't want to. This was going to suck. With a silent deep breath, I tried to block all the dread and anxiety as I pushed myself to walk out of the thick door Levi was currently holding open for me after having grabbed my blanket that never leaved my side and wrapping it securely around my frigid body.

Walking was so fucking exhausting, it had me almost wishing to get to the cafeteria faster. But at the same time I wanted to be as far from it as possible. It was very conflicting, I wanted it sit down just as much as I desperately didn't want to eat. And even though the promise of rest came with, I didn't feel relieved at all once I found myself walking into the crowded and noisy room.

My stomach did an uncomfortable flip as we steadily neared the serving area. Why couldn't a random fire just break out, resulting in us evacuating and skipping breakfast. But of course, luck was never on my side and here I was in front of all this wretched food. I was hesitating, apparently for so long that it had caught Levis attention and he was now staring at me.

I caught his gaze for a brief moment before almost immediately looking away and swallowing thickly. With a heavy exhale of breath I wasn't aware that I was holding, I began moving my slightly shaky hands in a reluctant effort of preparing the worlds smallest bowl of cereal. I finished that task fairly quickly, and though I wanted so badly to go off and sit with everyone else as an act of defiance, I knew it was not even worth it. It would ultimately end up in a big fight. Well, there was really nothing I could do to prevent one at this point, but I feel if I walked away from his efforts, it would be worse.

I can't do anything to hurt him, I keep that burned into my mind.

So I gave in and walked over to the isolated seats along side Levi just as he finished retrieving his own breakfast, I grew more and more anxious with each step. And once I was finally sitting in the chair across from Levi at the otherwise vacant table, my mind was conflicted with the sense of relief on my tired bones and the repeating thought of 'fuck my life'. I mindfully remained silent, opting to not say a word until spoken to as I glared down at my breakfast with a passionate hate.

Of course, I wasn't grazed with the bliss of mutual silence between us for too long at all, and it was just a few seconds after the other had situated himself in the seat across from me that he spoke up to fill the much wanted silence that had settled. I tensed slightly as his voice carried over to my ears.

"I don't care how little it is, but just please don't fight me on this and eat something." The tone he used was laced with caution and uncertainty, as though he was treading carefully with his words in an attempt to soften the blow.

I couldn't bring myself to even feel upset, which was definitely odd. But instead the feeling that settled inside of me was not really one at all, I simply felt numb. Yeah, numb was a good word to describe it. Like I knew that I was fucked no matter how I go about this and I was backed into a corner. But still the decision to satisfy Levi and eat, or to ignore his pleads and remain hungry conflicted in my head over and over.

But in the end it wasn't really a decision that was fully mine to make, because I would always end up with what my mind was screaming at me to do, and that was not lay a finger on that spoon beneath me and keep my hands glued in my lap. I swallowed heavily, thinking of what possible response I could give that would refrain from upsetting Levi.

"I can't..." I gave the very first honest answer that pushed itself to the front of my mind and past my lips, and it was undeniably the truth to me. I can't bring myself to do it, and if I somehow managed, then would come the endless self hatred and burning guilt within.

I long, thick spell of silence fell between us and I began to fear he was upset with me. In the back of my mind, I faintly remembered that this is how he probably often felt with me. It fucking sucked. I lightly clenched my fists in my lap as I dared to look up, and it was then that I knew I had made a mistake. The disappointment on his face was all to evident, all the misplaced hope that had somehow settled there diapering in an instant and leaving behind a look of terrified desperation in his deep blue eyes.

"But you did so well last night." His voice had noticeably dropped to a painfully disappointed air, showing that he had truly misplaced his hope. I couldn't figure out why he would do such a thing in the first place, I was not someone to place any kind of hope into.

"Only because I had to." I again only spoke the truth, however it wasn't the whole truth. I was pretty sure I could have done without a majority of which I consumed. I still felt horrible and that guilt fueled me to keep my hands stuck beneath the table, refusing to move them in fear of breaking once again.

I couldn't take seeing his saddened features any longer, so I cast my gaze down to my lap, avoiding even looking at the food in front of me. The air felt tense once again and it made me uneasy. A deep grumble in my stomach had me flinching slightly and gritting my teeth, it was as if my body could sense that I was near food and wanted so desperately for me to feed it. But I wouldn't. No, I couldn't. Not after all I've done.

"What will it take for you to see that your sick?" I was shaken from my thoughts by the gentle inquiry, and I mistakenly looked up once more and caught contact with those overcast orbs.

An anxious feeling shook the pit of my stomach, hating to hear the accusation that I was sick. But somewhere deep inside, I knew that I undeniably was even though I refused to admit it to myself. Although I felt physically like death, mentally I somehow always managed to convince myself that I was fine. I believed that I was okay, and I still do. I believe that skipping one more meal won't do anymore damage than the last. And I believed that it would all be in my best concern.

When I look in the mirror, when I see myself all I can ever bring myself to see is how disgusting I am. When I reach down and grip the frail skin of my stomach, I can feel my ribs so defined against my chest however the excess fat that i'm able to hold in my hands is enough to make me forget about the protruding bones and focus only on the desire to get rid of the offending fat. I feel that if I can ever be strong enough to succeed in my goal, I will finally be happy. Something I've lost almost all hope for, but starving myself thin and to be accepted, it was my only hope at happiness.

"I'm not sick." I retorted in a stronger voice, because that's what I truly believe. But it was obvious that he didn't believe it in the slightest.

The look that I received from him was a cross between disbelief and pity, the last one of which I hated. A small spark of anger flowed like electricity through my veins, but I quickly suppressed it as I had kept a conscious thought to keep my frustration inside. I pursed my lips shut and sighed lightly through my nose, awaiting that look to finally diaper and for him to speak.

And soon he did.

"I would be satisfied if you took only one bite." He urged softly, the look in his eyes now pleading.

I didn't reply, because nothing I had to say would be good and silence was the best answer in this case. I didn't want to piss him off with out right rejecting him, so I opted to simply avoid his gaze, looking down and keeping my mouth shut. I knew the outcome would be no good, but I also knew that there was nothing I could to to assure a good one. But I chose the route that the voices in my mind were forcing me to take.

To my surprise, not a word was spoken on his end after I had too gone silent, and it remained that way with both of us throughout the rest of breakfast. To an extent, I was glad that I had gotten out of eating yet again. However, I was also scared that this means an argument between us again. It would seem everything lead to an argument between us, and I was getting so sick of it. It broke my heart each time something hurtful flew out of my mouth without a single thought, because it was always me that hurt him and hurting him ultimately hurt me.

I even contemplated speaking up an apology multiple times to try to devolve the thick tension that hung between us, but always chose not to in fear of that sparking up another conversation about my eating, or rather lack of. I kept my eyes cast down the rest of our time here, being sucked into my mind once again. Even with me making the choice that the voices told me to, I still had to deal with them finding another reason to make me want to die.

My mind was truly fucked up. My eyes even began to water at some point unknown, to which I simply blinked away the tears and took deep silent breaths. I was left in this tense silence far too long, and I had let my mind start to go without a choice. It was like at that moment all my demons came out to play from the darkest depths of my mind, each thought of my past and present fuck ups sending an arrow of pain and guilt straight through my heart.

I didn't even notice the hand that had found its way up my sleeve and was currently scratching a bloody raw spot on my wrist, just below the thick scar from my past attempt on my life. I noticed this when I was snapped out of whatever daze I was in by a hand on my shoulder and the familiar voice finally registering in my ears.

"Are you okay?" He sounded nothing but concerned, and I immediately retracted my particularly sharp fingernail from my wrist and snapped my gaze up at him. His eyes displayed the exact same emotion as his voice.

As I became fully aware of my surroundings once more, I realize that the dining room is now half empty. I questioned just how long I have been lost in self loathing thought, and the answer had to be pretty damn long for it to already be the end of breakfast. And just as I blinked, I felt a single trail of warmth fall down my cheek, a tear that I hadn't known was there slipping down my unusually pale skin.

My instant reaction was to wipe it away the second I realized it was there, and such action had my arm feeling extremely weak and falling back to my lap as soon as most of the wetness was wiped away. I moved to slowly stand up, clutching my blanket around me tightly.

"Yeah, i'm fine." I forced out, although we both knew that 'fine' meant completely not okay.

He gave me a look of skepticism. but even so he couldn't call me on it right here and he knew that. So we were forced to make our leave of the dining room in silence, and I was actually thankful for this one. However I still felt numb inside, the faintly stinging pain on my wrist did help a little but barely. Not anywhere near as much as I would like it to. And then, there was the sudden urge once again to dig a blade into my flesh. A desire I would likely never have satisfied. But what I wanted most right now was to hurt myself if only to feel anything but regret or guilt.

I kept my mouth shut the whole walk down the long white hallway that was so familiar by now yet always eerie, me legs were growing weaker and weaker with each step I took towards our destination and my knees were almost shaking beneath me once we finally stood before the same old couch. This wasn't going to be good, I didn't want to fall back in the dark depths of my mind again but it would seem Levi was upset with me or something and there's absolutely nothing left to do but sit.

The relief that rushed through my bones immediately as I sat was amazing, I was so glad to finally take the pressure off of my legs and feet, the only downside being the slight wave of dizziness that came with me sitting down probably too fast. I was also relieved to feel the couch sinking down next to me relatively close, meaning at least Levi wasn't sitting far away and that was a good sign. I wasn't sure if we were fighting or not, and if we were I couldn't let it go on.

"Are you mad at me?" I took a chance and turned to face him, his expression was neutral. But it was always like that and it told me nothing, his impassiveness near impossible to read most of the time.

"Are you mad at me?" He shot back with the same question, searching my eyes for a hint that I was upset with him, which I wasn't at all surprisingly.

I shook my head

And the moment that I felt his arms wrapping tightly around my torso, I felt the most relief that I have felt all day. The assurance that there was no hostility or the worry of an argument hanging over our heads sent such an amazing feeling through me that I could only describe as relief. I missed that short period of time in the beginning where we could hold each other and talk about nothing in particular and never have to worry about my health and the life or death situation being brought up and ruining everything.

When our relationship was new and both of us were so native to the feeling of being loved, and how all we did was express the care to each other. But that short lived time was before I had to be sucked so far into the vortex of my self hate that I made the choice to stop eating, and since then it would seem there's been nothing but problems between us and I hated it. I hated it so much. The fact that I was being striped of the last thing that made me feel normal such as the genuine moments of love Levi and I shared over this fucking uncontrollable problem made me want to just give up.

I knew damn well that there was still major issues to come up later, or perhaps sooner rather than later, however I could only find myself focusing on the warmth that spread throughout my body as I was held in his arms. There were certain moments that I was hit with the realization of just how deep in love with him that I truly was, and this was one of them. I was so lucky to have him, he was willing to tolerate all my bullshit and as much as I hate it, try to help me. I love him so much, but the thought that I might not love him enough to even attempt to get better made me feel sick.

I brought up my slender, weak arms to return the hug to the best of my ability, pressing my body closer to his and burying my face in the crook of his neck. He was so warm, or maybe he was just a normal temperature and I was too far gone to even recognize that anymore. I could feel his muscles relax underneath my arms as though he was relieved that I responded, and then I felt a pang of guilt knowing that my attitude and hostility as of late was most likely the cause of that apprehension. I am truly a piece of shit.

"I'm scared." He spoke into the silence suddenly, his words catching me a bit off guard. "I'm scared that one day i'm going to have to live without you."

And once again, the conversation has shifted towards me. But this time I wasn't upset, because once I calm the fuck down and look at it with a clear mind set, I can see where hes coming from. While dying wasn't a concern of mine since I really didn't feel like it could happen to me, he actually thought I was bad enough that it would happen. It was understandable. But I still refused to believe that it was really that bad, sure I couldn't hardly move and a bit of hair has fallen out, and sure my ribs are now visible and my nails are blue, but there had to be a point much worse than this and I wasn't at it yet.

"That's not going to happen, trust me." It wasn't a lie, I believed my own words for once because I felt like I could do this. I could edge around the inevitable outcome of death to achieve an appearance that would lead to acceptance from others and myself.

I knew he wasn't going to believe me, he hasn't before and there would be no difference this time. But I had no other answer to give him because this is the only one I thought to be true. I could lie to him and tell him that I would get better eventually and that I was trying, but none of that was true and I would like to keep my lying to a minimum with him. I didn't want to lie to him, even though I've done it so much before.

"I just want you to be okay." He half whispered softly beside my ear.

The truth of the matter was, i'm never going to be okay. There would always be something so long as i'm trapped here with no means of getting help even if I wanted it, and the way it seems is I won't be getting out so his words can never come true. I'll never be okay, just as he will never be okay because he has just as many problems as me.

"I'm fine, really I am." It wasn't fully a lie, because at that very moment I was at least. I was as close as I could get to content simply being in his arms. But admittedly, I did say it mostly to ease his mind.

I would still never understand why he even cared, though.

Soon my arms began to shake, faltering until they all together became too weak to hold themselves up around Levi and I had to let them fall to my sides. And even though I never wanted to leave the embrace, Levi had taken that as an indicator to let go of me as well, and one chaste kiss was delivered to my lips before he leaned back against the couch. I leaned back as well, grateful to get some of the pressure off my bones from sitting up for so long.

"I don't want you to lie to me." He stated in a slightly hushed tone, head now turned in my direction. The accusation in his voice told me he definitely didn't believe me.

"I wasn't lying." I replied simply, because technically I was okay at the moment that I said it so it can't be labeled as a lie.

The look he gave me expressed just how much he did not believe me, and I didn't quite blame him. I had lied to him so many times before, and I probably didn't look like the definition of 'fine' so it was pretty understandable. Though his eyes shifted from my own to peer past me.

"Hey Eren." I almost jumped at the unexpected feminine voice behind me, and I recognized it before I even had to turn around.

It was exactly who I thought once I did turn to face her, and I found Sasha standing behind me with a slight smile. Her tone nor her expression suggested that there was anything wrong, which was good, though it was a bit odd to see her coming over here and talking to me. We usually only ever converse at the dinner table, which always served as a good distraction from food. But obviously that was impossible the last few days.

"Hey, whats up?" I asked curiously, I was ever so slightly uneasy since the last time she had come over to me here was when she brought up her suspicions of me not eating, and I could only hope that wasn't the case this time.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" She questioned, motioning her thumb behind her towards a vacant area across the room.

Well fuck.

"Sure." I replied after looking back and receiving an affirmative nod from Levi. But I kinda didn't want to go because I would rather not take the chance of this being about my eating.

Walking proved to be a hard task once I had gotten up to follow her, even more than usual with her fast, normal person pace. I tried so hard to keep up with her in order to avoid suspicion, and nearly fell on my face a few times. And by the time we had reached our destination I was fucking exhausted. Now my task was to hide my heavier breathing as we sat.

"So how are things with Levi?" She immediately started off, the question not being heavy at all though for some reason I felt uneasy, as if this was leading to something else.

I took a moment to catch my breath before opening my mouth, though being very careful not to take too much time so it would seem obvious that I was absolutely fucking winded from walking across a room. Because even if this conversation wasn't really about what I think it will be about, then letting her discover that would sure as hell shift it towards that.

"Alright, I guess. We're not arguing or anything so that's good." I tried to sound as normal as possible, as if we were simply having a lighthearted, normal conversation and my ribs were not visible underneath this shirt. And in my opinion, I really sold the lie that I was perfectly okay only using my fake tone of voice.

"I was concerned yesterday when you came storming over to our table and Levi didn't follow, its not like you guys to be apart like that." She said as she held eye contact with me, and there was a underlying knowing in her eyes that made me nervous. "Can I ask what happened?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that, knowing damn well that I couldn't tell the truth because that was probably the worst possible thing I can reveal, that I snapped at my boyfriend for wanting to help me recover from an eating disorder. That would just make me sound like the douche bag of the year. Well, I kinda was.

"It was just a little spat, I was in a bad mood yesterday and I guess he was too so we both said some things we didn't mean. But were okay now." I gave a convincing half smile. Leave it to my ability to form a believable lie at the drop of a dime to get me out of shit like this. I prayed it worked. But her eyes told me it didn't.

"Look, I want to talk to you about the problem I know you have. I can see the signs everywhere." She spoke so completely seriously and my blood ran cold, even colder than normal.

Well, fuck me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how short and sucky this was! I'm going to try to make the next update better, and things actually happen next time! Hopefully I will get it up much sooner. Thank you guys for all the support you've given me! I've been trying to go back through the chapters and fix all the errors I made to make the story better for future readers, because lord knows I can't edit for shit. But it means so much that you bear with my horrible editing skill! As always, comment if your still with me in this, everything you guys have to say about this makes me so happy! Also before I go, i'm not sure if I mentioned this or not but i'm aiming to finish this up with about 25-30 chapters! And yeah that's about it, thank you for reading~


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey would you look at that I actually updated in under a month. I still took way too long, and for that I apoligize. But this chapter is a lot longer than the last so hopefully that makes up. I'm still feeling shitty, so forgive me if my writing is worse than usual. And also forgive my 5 am spell checking, I just finished this tonight, and was like hey I might as well edit and post it too. That was at 1 am. I'm literally dead right now.  
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM! It comes towards the end so please please please if your triggered easily skip over the parts you don't think you can handle or at the very least read with caution.  
> Other than that, enjoy!

"Look, I want to talk to you about the problem I know you have. I can see the signs everywhere."

'Oh fuck' was the only thing my mind became capable of repeating over and over as her words registered, my blood running cold and a pang of anxiety making itself known in my gut. Okay, maybe she wasn't talking about my eating issues. Hopefully. Perhaps shes talking about something else. I just have to play it off.

So I put on the most believable dumbfounded expression I could pull and readied my flawless lying skill.

"What problem?" I furrowed my eyebrows slightly in mock confusion as I feigned ignorance in my opinion perfectly.

I carefully and slowly pulled my sleeves down to hide my discolored nails from sight and slouched over ever so slightly in an attempt to get my shirt to fall forward a bit so it didn't cling so tightly and expose my figure. Of course I chose a tight fitting shirt just when I needed to hide the weight loss.

The look she gave me fully expressed just how much she did not believe me, even though my lying was flawless. But her eyes held a sympathy I knew all too well and had to see everyday in Levis eyes. I hate anyone sympathizing for me, especially when they have their own problems. Why does she even care anyway?

"Your getting unhealthily thin." She spoke softly, and something about the way she used her tone reminded me of my mother when I was young. My jaw tightened.

"I don't know what your talking about." I mumbled, casting my glare to the floor, I didn't try nearly as hard this time to sound as convincing though that was probably because I knew i was clearly fucked.

"Yes you do. I'm not trying to upset you." She was treading carefully now, I could tell. She must be able to clearly see my unease and discomfort.

I hated how genuine she sounded. I hated it when anybody tried to pretend they cared. She didn't even know me that well, so why the hell does any of this matter to her? Why should she care if some guy she barley knows is making a conscious decision to stop eating? Why can't she just leave me alone? I could feel myself growing more and more upset with the situation, though I didn't know if I was angry or if I was sad.

"I really don't want to talk about this." I stressed 'really' more than anything to get my point across, this is the last thing I wanted to be doing right now. Having a conversation about my eating, but with someone who doesn't know the half of it this time. 

Well, Levi really didn't either, but at least he tries to understand where i'm coming from. I don't need this from her.

"We need to talk about it, i'm worried about you." She said a bit more firmly yet it still maintained the gentle air that made it hard for me to get pissed at her.

The last thing I needed was two people constantly bugging me now, Levi was enough and I still had the urge to lie even though I knew I was fucked. I also didn't trust my temper either, all I could do was try to remain calm with her but I knew myself well enough to know that trying to remain calm rarely ever works with me. It was a surprise I was doing as well today with Levi as I was.

I kept my eyes trained on the ground, opting to do what I always did when I didn't want to talk about things. And that was ignoring the other person. It was a childish solution that pretty much never worked in the long run but for the moment it bought me time to sit here and think about how upset I was with myself for letting another person catch on. How the hell did she even catch on anyway? It wasn't that bad, was it?

"Does Levi know?" She suddenly asked, and I looked up at the mention of Levi. Though I still didn't look directly at her.

I lightly nodded my head, very apprehensive with the subject.

"Has he talked to you about it before?" Came another question in the same guarded tone, gentle and careful.

I nod once again, then mentally slap myself for basically downright admitting she was right in her assumptions. Though I guess I already gave it away from the start.

"Okay, I won't get too deep into it because I know you don't want to talk about it, but I want to help you recover."

I stiffened up at the last part, I had almost become hopeful that she was just going to let me off the hook until that point at which I almost wanted to laugh. What makes her think I even want to? She sure as hell made it sound like she thought I wanted to. I didn't want her help and I didn't want Levis. The fact that she assumed I wanted hers offended me. I knew I would be just fine.

"I don't need it." I stated blankly, making a conscious attempt to keep tracks of frustration out of my voice.

I only stiffened further as I felt her hand fall on my shoulder, it was gentle and I had the feeling that the touch was meant to be soothing however I had the urge to smack it away. Fuck her sympathy.

"You do." Her tone was a bit more strong, as though what she was saying was final when it wasn't at all. It wasn't her choice, it was no ones but mine.

"I don't." This time I didn't bother to try sounded like I wasn't growing pissed by the second and I jerked my shoulder away from her hand, the sudden motion making my vision falter for only a moment.

I was just about to stand up and childishly walk away just like I always did when I didn't want to hear things, but her voice had stopped me before I moved a muscle.

"I went through the same thing, you know." She suddenly sounded so distressed, clear as day pained emotion leaking through her tone that was before careful and kind. 

I turned my head and gave her a questioning look, hopefully urging her to go on. I never thought that of all people here, she would have struggled with this. With the way she always eats everything on her plate, she had always seemed like the least likely. Even if I did recover, I could never ever see myself eating like that, I was far too damaged so needless to say I was confused and unsure if I should believe her.

"A few years ago I was sort of overweight, in my eyes at least. I always ate way too much." She began, becoming noticeably quieter and I could tell it pained her to talk about. She had my full attention. "I got so sick of looking the way I did one day and decided to just stop eating. But I took it to the extreme. I would lock myself in my room for days and basically live off a cracker a week or something and I would always exercise. I'm not sure where the will power came from but I was so determined."

"I ended up dropping like 30 pounds in a month, I was 90 pounds Eren. But one day I was so weak I could hardly move my arms a single inch. Stupidly, I tried to get up out of bed to go work out." She paused for a moment, looking down at her lap and messing mindlessly with her thumbs. "I fainted as soon as I got up, and when I woke up I was in the infirmary here with a feeding tube. That, combined with... a few other issues made them decide to keep me here."

"My point is I could have easily died, my heart rate was extremely irregular and it could have easily stopped had I went another day without eating. I'm lucky to be alive. It was hard for me the first year or so, but I made friends with Connie and he coached and helped me. Maybe I had it easier because I didn't get to the point where I let it permanently control me, but it was still the hardest struggle and I don't want you to end up dead."

I was speechless by the time she got through with her story, everything she said was so real yet the last thing I expected of her, and all so sudden. I could tell it was hard for her to share. Even so, I still couldn't see myself even attempting to recover. I wasn't 90 pounds and I was still capable of moving, and I haven't yet fainted. However the thing about her heart stuck a cord, every once in a while my heart felt odd in my chest, as though it was skipping a few beats. But I couldn't imagine it being that severe. Yet.

That is if that's even the problem because I was probably just over thinking it.

But still, the fact that she had to go through this pained me. I felt bad for her, thinking of her feeling the same bone chilling cold and having her limbs feel like weights just as I did brought forth sympathy for her. But I suppose it was good that she caught it somewhat early, however it sounded really severe regardless. The thought of recovery seemed impossible to me at this point, I wasn't even sure how long its been but I know its been a while.

"I'm so sorry you went through that, I had no idea." Was all I could think to say, because I really was sorry. I had assumed she knew nothing about this when in reality she knew all too well.

"Its alright because i'm fine now. And I want you to be fine too. I'm not sure how nobody else has noticed, but do you realize that you are starting to look sick on the outside?" I knew she was expecting an answer, and as much as I would like to remain civil I still couldn't speak about this.

I jumped slightly as a unexpected warmth gripped my hand gently and pulled it to the side, I looked over at what she was doing and almost jerked my hand away. I became extremely uneasy as she pushed my sleeve up ever so slightly though she only pushed it past my knuckles before seeming to inspect my fingers. And then her face fell.

"This is serious Eren, your finger nails are turning blue. That's because you hardly have any blood circulation. It never happened to me but I can remember reading it in a little book thing they gave me in the infirmary about eating disorders. And your cold, that's because you have extremely low body fat and your metabolism is slowed severely so your body cant warm itself." She sounded concerned and I knew I should be far more alarmed about what she was saying than I am.

Nothing she said sounded too severe, I didn't quite understand some of it so it didn't concern me nearly enough as it should. As soon as she let go of my hand, I drew it back to my side and curled my fingers into the fabric of my blanket

"I can't get better, I just can't" I said honestly, because that's what it came down to. I literally couldn't because I could never get over the guilt that my mind would surly force upon me every second of the day if I were to even try.

"Think about Levi."

I tensed immediately once his name rolled off her lips once again. God tell me she wasn't about to guilt trip me with him, I already felt bad enough that I couldn't make an effort for him. I didn't want to hear it from a second party. But there wasn't any stopping it once she took my silence as a signal to go on. She should have read my body language better.

"You know, he never ever spoke to anybody here for three whole years until you got here. Three years Eren, not once did he even come close to opening up to absolutely anybody. He spoke to Hanji occasionally but from what I've heard it was never nice. But he talked to you, he opened up to you and that's something he did for nobody else. I don't know him and I don't know what hes been through, but I know he was broken and probably still is. He loves you, can you imagine what it would do to him if he lost you?"

Way to make me feel more like a piece of shit.

I still have a hard time excepting that he would actually miss me if I was gone, but it was sort of undeniable. I was stupid to refuse to believe that fact, and I still kinda did refuse to believe it but when I think realistically of what would happen, it makes me want to cry. I then remembered how he said he would kill himself if I died, and a gut wrenching anxiety filled me at the thought. She was right, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. Its selfish, I may not care if I die but Levi would.

But I wasn't going to die.

"He's not going to lose me, i'll be fine." I sighed the same tired excuse that I truly believed in my mind, wishing she'd just leave it at that.

"You're not going to be fine." She stated quite seriously. "I'm honestly surprised your not in the infirmary right now. Its bad, really bad. Worse than I had assumed before I called you over here. You don't understand, I am begging you right now to just try to get better. Just at least eat dinner tonight. I'm scared for you." The way she spoke was so pleading, and the question 'why does she even care' kept ringing over and over.

I didn't believe her, there was no way I was that bad. I'm still walking and breathing and to me that meant I was just fine. I would be just fine. A small part of me wanted to recognize that she knew what she was talking about, but the larger part of my mind that was swimming in darkness made me dismiss any doubts I had that I wasn't okay.

"I'm going to be okay, Sasha. Really, I am." I tried to assure her once again, it wasn't her place to worry anyway. And there wasn't even anything to worry about, for now at least. I was okay right now and that's what should matter, right?

"Eren..." She looked directly into my eyes, warm brown orbs begging me to listen to her, she didn't need to say anything else for me to know what she was trying to do. But her worries were misplaced.

I'll be fine, i'm okay. I won't be put in the infirmary. I was okay and its not that bad. I can keep going for a while, and when I reach my goal i'll think about stopping. But until then I will be okay.

That's all I had to keep telling myself to believe it.

"I promise i'm okay, don't worry about me please. I don't want to talk about it anymore." I had to leave, I didn't want to hear this from her anymore. She may have been through this, but I was being a lot smarter about it. I was going to be alright. "I appreciate your concern though." I only added to avoid ending this on a bad note. It really wasn't though, I could have went about my day better without hearing this. I almost felt as though what she had said was a way of scaring me into recovery, and it wasn't working.

I was mindful of how quickly I stood up, I tried to stand as slowly as possible but I still wanted to leave quickly. It was like all the blood rushed to my head as soon as I stood, making it feel like there was a pressure all around my head. The edges of my vision faded to black for quite a few moments as I took barley no time to wait and began walking. My steps faltered a bit, and I thought I was going to trip over myself a few times but finally my vision became normal once more.

I powered through the weakness that became more and more overwhelming with each step until I was finally back to the couch where Levi sat. I was so exhausted by the time I sat, my bones screamed in relief once I had finally took my seat next to him. My eyes involuntarily landed on Sasha, who still sat across the room. Her face seemed sickened with worry. I immediately tore my eyes away and they then fell on Levi, who looked just as concerned.

I was struggling to regulate my breathing, and my heart felt odd in my chest. It felt like a weird, almost empty beat made itself known every once in a while in the already irregular feeling pattern. I felt his hand grasp onto mine, and then his other hand falling on top of the other side of mine, he held it tightly but not too tightly. Yet it still expressed a worry that didn't even need to be spoken for me to know without a doubt it was there. His eyes alone told that as he searched mine that were probably blank at the moment as I tried to regain myself.

"Are you okay?" He questioned with the strong air of pure concern for me.

I felt a panic deep down when my heart wasn't seeming to calm down, and my breathing just wouldn't stay in check. I was trying my hardest to make myself fine again, a brief fear struck me that maybe Sasha was right, and maybe I was past the point of no return. Maybe I wasn't okay and maybe this was the end. Because it sure as hell felt like it. I squeezed Levis hand, and the concern in his eyes increased drastically as they widened.

But then, my heart rate began to slow back to normal and my breathing evened out. I felt okay again, or at least as close to okay as I can be lately. But once I came to my proper senses, I could see that Levi looked damn near close to tears and I realized that I haven't answered his question. 

"I'm alright." Now I am. I felt stupid for becoming worried now that I felt normal again. Why should I worry anyway? I didn't care if I did die, right?

He almost immediately pulled me into a gentle hug after I had spoken, he was obviously being cautious with my weakened body though I could see that he wanted to hold me much tighter than he was at the moment. 

"Don't die, Eren..." He whispered by my ear, his tone a mix of worry and relief that conflicted. He was relieved that I wasn't dead but worried I would be soon.

I brought my arms up around him, holding him as tightly as I could to me and curling my fingers in the fabric of his shirt. I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, feeling so tired. My eyes burned, and it felt better to close them. I felt as though I could just fall asleep but I knew I couldn't. Sleep would be too hard.

"I'm not going to. I'm staying right here." My voice sounded almost as weak as how I felt, and it conflicted with my words.

He held me closer, his comforting grip never faltering as though he thought that if he let go that i'd be gone. I wanted to hold him just as tight, but my lack of strength wasn't having it. I had no choice but to let my arms fall limp at his sides, but I kept my head resting on his shoulder.

I wasn't going to leave him, I was going to be okay.

\---

I was dreading the moment those doors flew open and in walked one man clad in the guard uniform, his booming voice announcing dinner time and ordering us all to the dining room. I immediately felt physically sick to my stomach in a way that was much worse than any hunger pain I've ever felt.

Both my body and mind were reluctant to get up when it was no longer an option to ignore the dinner call and everyone began to empty the room, but I had to force myself to get up anyways. Levis extended hand at least aided my strength just a little as he helped me stand and I held onto him for support to avoid falling over, because I definitely felt like I was going to.

My vision still darkened at the edges and my head felt warm, but not for nearly as long this time as it soon faded just before we began to walk. I was disappointed when Levis hand left mine, but it knew it couldn't remain. My stomach turned uncomfortably as we started our walk down the long hallway, being some of the last few to leave the room and now trailing behind the much larger crowd. Though the feeling in my stomach didn't feel like anxiety alone.

My head throbbed with every step I took, and I almost flinched at the severe pain each time. I have had a headache near constantly for the past few days but it seemed to get worse in the past hour, it had been bearable before but it was becoming anything but. The feeling of nausea was also beginning to be added to the mix of pains in my stomach. It was harder and harder to walk as the pain and weakness increased, and I felt like falling over.

I blinked heavily a few times in an attempt to rid myself of the occasional blurriness that came and went, and once again my head felt heavy and light at the same time. I always hated being in the dining room so close to the food I cant have, but I found myself rushing as fast as I could without falling to the food bar only so that I could lean on it for the support I needed badly right now.

I closed my eyes for a moment, finally able to breath now that I could hold myself up. It didn't feel like that long before a hand on my shoulder signaled me to open my eyes and I was met with those worried eyes. I could practically hear the unspoken question in his eyes, but this time I wasn't completely sure of my own answer.

"I'm alright." That's what I had to keep telling him and myself, but I was starting to doubt myself slowly though I knew he never believed it to begin with.

Something didn't feel right. Well, nothing ever felt right but right now something really wasn't right. I gazed down once the hand at my shoulder fell, and I stared at the food options before me. I almost wanted to eat something, Almost. If only to get rid of this feeling in my stomach and this god forsaken headache that made me want to fall to my knees. But I still refused.

I didn't trust myself, so instead of filling a plate of food I knew I wouldn't eat, I simply grabbed a pack of grapes that was available next to the juice in a little basket, and began walking back to the table Levi and I had began sitting at by ourselves. I didn't look back, now wanting to even acknowledge whatever reactions Levi had to my options.

I tossed the little pack on the table in front of where I quickly sat, immediately resting my elbows on the table and holding my head in my hands. I could feel my temples throbbing lightly under my fingertips as I attempted in vein to massage the pain away. I only looked up when I heard the legs of a chair scraping across the floor as Levi took his seat across from me. I searched his expression briefly, surprised to find little to no concern. I looked down at the table again.

My breathing was regulating again and my vision was now normal, to my relief. The odd feeling in my stomach was dying down but it was definitely still there. But the pounding in my head was unrelenting, and it had to be by far the worst hunger headache I've ever went through. My hands were shaking slightly as I lowered them back down and curled my fingers in the fabric of my blanket, seeking warmth. I wasn't sure if the shaking was from weakness or pain, I concluded both.

I tried reminding myself that I was okay, but I really didn't feel like it. I wanted to push away the feeling that something wasn't right but it kept returning to the back of my mind and causing an anxious feeling to bubble up in the pit of my stomach. My mind was telling me how I shouldn't be worried because what does it matter if I die? Why do I care? But there was a nagging gut feeling that had me scared.

But I would not admit that to myself. I wouldn't even admit that I wasn't okay, I kept telling myself that my gut feeling was wrong, that Sasha was wrong and I could last for a while longer without eating. But no matter what there was still the minuscule voice begging me to realize that I was wrong.

"Eren." Levis voice snapped me out of my thoughts that I realized I had no idea how long I've been in, and I looked up. "Please eat."

I knew that was coming. I pushed the little pack further away and shook my head.

I started debating my options involuntarily, thinking if I ate just one, what would really be the harm? Maybe it could give me the slightest relief that last nights meal gave me, even if its just one grape. But then the dark side of my mind kicked in immediately and shut that idea down. I couldn't do it. I didn't need to eat and I knew it. 

But I did.

I balled my hands into fists in my blanket once more, absolutely refusing to touch that pack of grapes because I did not trust my will power as of late. And then it was pushed back into the line of my vision, sitting just below me and in easy reach. I looked up at Levi who was sitting back down.

"Please, i'm literally begging you. Just start with one and i'll be happy." He didn't have to elaborate on what we was talking about for me to know exactly what he was referring to.

I pursed my lips shut and intertwined my fingers tightly under the table. The growl that shook my stomach was nauseating and painful all at once, a crack was forming in the self control that completely broke yesterday and was just starting to rebuild. My minds sheer harsh protest was enough to keep my hands firmly in my lap and my lips pressed shut, but for how long?

My mind started to scream at me again. Saying how I will never be good enough if I allow myself to break, and that I was disgusting as it is. But I felt so off today, I half believed that it was because I didn't eat enough. Though I knew damn well that I ate far too much last night and that couldn't be it. I was still hating myself for it. I didn't want to fuck up but this headache was so severe and the odd and painful feeling in my stomach was too much to handle.

"I really don't want to." I said with a half shaky voice, bringing my hand up to push the offending pack away and out of my sight once more.

But of course its not that easy. I feel Levis hand rest gently over mine and carefully guide it along with the package back directly in front of me, and I didn't have enough energy or will to fight against his hand. It lingered for a moment before finally retracting back to his side, fingertips brushing against my skin as he pulled away.

"But I need you to. Please, for me?" He spoke carefully.

Now that was stooping sort of low, because i'll just look like an asshole if I simply refuse when he puts it like that and it would probably hurt him. I was sick of hurting him. Though I suppose one wouldn't hurt me too bad, it may even help relieve me of this pain and at least make Levi feel a little better.

Wait, why am I even considering it?

"Please don't make me." I could feel my self control wavering, and in a attempt to keep myself from eating I pulled my hands back into my lap and intertwined my fingers tight once again.

I couldn't let myself do this again, I would end up ruining everything if I ate two nights in a row. But god damn it this pain was getting so unbearable. My head seemed to pound worse as the voice in my head screamed its protests once more to get my to keep my hands put and my mouth sealed shut. I wanted to just cry.

"It'll make you feel better." He said exactly what I didn't want him to say, reinforcing the only thing I want right now. And that was to get rid of the pain.

I was use to hunger headaches for days at a time, it had become a normal thing for me to feel. But fuck this one was so bad, it felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me in both sides of my head and constricting the blood flow with each painful throb. And then there was my stomach, along with the pangs of hunger, I felt nausea and a feeling I couldn't describe. But I didn't like it one bit. There was also a hollow feeling, but that I was pretty much use to. However everything else, it was too much and I just wanted to to go away.

I rested my hands on top of the table.

"I don't want to.." My voice was much weaker now, almost as though I was only saying it to myself. Because I didn't want to, I really fucking didn't want to. And then another unbearable throb.

I was a fucking idiot. The biggest idiot. I cursed myself as I reached for the little pack that was in perfect reach. But gripping to two edged to open it, I found that I couldn't do it. It felt like it was permanently sealed shut and my hands shook in the attempt to get it open. I was too weak to open a fucking pack of god damn grapes. Frustrated, I threw it down with the last of my strength. But it was almost like a sign, my physical weakness saved me from my mental weakness.

Then I hear the sound of plastic tearing and a few brief moments later a open pack of grapes is sat before me. I glance up at Levi with a look that was probably more frustrated than I intended to show and then shot my glare down at the grapes. Was I really about to do this? My hands moving without my minds consent confirmed it and I was already hating myself impossibly more.

I refused to look up to meet whatever expression Levi would be wearing as I lifted the first grape to my mouth, probably one of satisfaction I would guess. Part of me wanted to spit it out immediately when it was popped into my mouth, however the other part of me willed me to chew. Its juices almost burned on my tongue as I bit down, and it was an uncomfortable taste that I was not use to. It could have just been the fact that I haven't eaten a grape in god knows how long or maybe they just weren't ripe But nonetheless, I ended up swallowing it.

I stared blankly down at the table for a few moments, mentally cursing myself for not having enough control to stop my next action as I reached down the next moment and placed another into my mouth. It didn't burn as much this time, but i'll be damned if I didn't feel an overwhelming hatred as it slid down my throat. Another moment of blank silence, and this time I hesitated.

I hesitated just long enough for my mind to regain control of my body and I realized what I was doing. And with the thoughts of how I was ruining everything I worked for that came, I shoved the pack away as if it was poison and glued my hands at my sides, refusing to let myself fuck up anymore than I already have.

The full force of regret hit me immediately after the food was out of sight and I felt like simply curling up into a ball and crying. But I stayed silent. I was becoming more and more upset with myself, the fact that I let myself slip eating me alive with guilt from the inside out. Then came the urge again, the urge to split my skin open that I couldn't satisfy. I was feeling so many emotions, but I refused to let any of them show. I instead kept the completely blank expressing planted on my face to hide it.

"Its okay, Eren. That was enough for tonight. Don't worry, your gonna feel better soon." I heard the little plastic bag being slid away from me, and I looked up emotionless to see Levi who's face was just as blank though his eyes portrayed a mix of sympathy and hurt. I looked back down.

His words did nothing to calm my mind.

But thankfully, before I had a chance to fall back into the dark depths of my mind, the end of dinner was finally called and we were all instructed to the showers. Oh right, we had showers tonight. Fuck. I just wanted to trudge back to my room and possibly cry for a while. Yeah, probably cry. And scratch my skin to the bone until I was half satisfied at least. But no, cleanliness had to fuck up my mental schedule.

My vision blurred once again as I stood, the edges fading to black before it retracts and i'm left with a brief lightheadedness. I found myself subconsciously gripping onto the table, and once I had regained all the balance I would get, I reluctantly began walking alongside Levi down the hall and into a large room at the end that everyone was crowding into.

I was freezing constantly, so needless to say I was not looking forward to stripping. Lucky for me there was still a fairly large amount of people in here and I refused to take my clothes off until everybody was out of the room. That includes Levi. He has taken the hint through the months that I wouldn't undress unless I was alone and began wondering off to the showers on his own, though he did wait until the room emptied out a bit as well.

I leaned on one of lockers, refusing to look up until every naked man was out of the room. And once I was finally left alone, I stripped out of my clothes, exposing my body to the cold air. I bundled my clothes up along with my blanket and placed them on top of a locker, walking a few steps to grab a towel off of one of the shelf's full of white towels and placed the folded fabric on top of my clothes. Covering myself self consciously, I walked into the shower room that was pleasantly warm.

I chose the shower stall nearest to the exit and kept my eyes firmly glued to the floor as I made my way there. I always hated showers, not because I don't want to be clean but because I always felt so exposed and the running water caused my hair to fall out in larger quantities than when I simply run my fingers through it. And my hair was starting to get really thin, so fuck that.

Once behind the wall that provided little to no privacy, I turned the water on and relished in the warmth. Or at least I did for the first few seconds. Then it stopped feeling as pleasant. Something felt wrong again, the warm water making a slight sort of nausea arise in my stomach and my vision went a bit weird. I pressed my hand against the tile wall, trying to simply breath in hopes of shaking the blurriness that was settling, but it only worsened.

And I was officially concerned when my vision began to blacken at the edges like when I stand up too quick, and an overwhelming lightheadedness settled upon me. It had only been maybe 30 seconds since I had stepped under the water, but I knew I needed to get out now. It felt like my balance was dwindling by the second, and without another thought, I turned slowly and began walking out. I kept a hand on the wall besides me for balance in fear of slipping on the floor which would be easy to do given my current state.

I immediately grabbed onto the top of the lockers as soon as I had finally stumbled over to them, I wanted to close my eyes but I got the feeling I shouldn't. So instead I took a long few minutes to breathe and rebalance myself. My head was pounding, but my vision was stabilizing once more. However something still felt really wrong, I could feel it in my stomach.

I pushed myself off of the lockers and grabbed my towel, wrapping it the best I could around my narrow waist, then wrapping my blanket around my shoulders to further hide myself. Grabbing my bundled clothes, I began to walk cautiously back to the room because there was no way in hell I was going back in there. I just needed to lay down, maybe if I rest my body I will feel better.

The walk to our room was far too long, though that probably had something to do with how slow I was walking. The door was cracked open as it always was, and all I had to do was swing it open and walk into the safety and relief that came to be our room. I dropped my dirty clothes outside of the door to be dealt with and stepped inside, not fully closing the door so that Levi could still get it. Which would probably be a while from now with how fast I got out and how long he takes.

I tried to get dressed as quick as I could, but I felt more weak than I have felt in a while so that slowed me considerably. I had to take a break and rest my arms a few times as I sifted through the clothes to find the warmest set, which happened to be a pair of fairly tight fitting around the waist sweat pants and a thick sweat shirt with a band logo across the front.

Lifting my arms to pull the shirt on was more of a task than it should be, and I can say the same about pulling up the pants. However the increased warmth it provided was worth it, even though I was still left feeling cold, but that was just something I was use to at this point. After tying the drawstring tight, I pushed the drawer to my dresser shut and began to turn around.

Though just as I was doing so, the gleam on an unknown silver caught my eye. I stopped in my tracks, directing my eyes to the floor where I had saw it. My eyes locked on what I had saw from the corner of my eye, it was small and definitely silver though I couldn't tell what it was. But it stood out so apparent against the rest of the white room. Curiously, I slowly bent down to retrieve the item.

And when I opened my hand to see what was currently in my palm, my heart flipped in my chest. I couldn't tell if it was from anxiety or excitement, maybe both. It was a long screw of some sort, looking shiny and fairly new. I would have to guess that it came loose from the dresser or perhaps bed frame, that's the only things I could think of it falling from. Either way only one thing came to my mind.

An anxiousness bubbled up in my stomach as I turned my body away from the door and moved my hand down to roll up the sleeve of my none dominant arm. I knew immediately that I needed to do it, and I was given the chance and i'll be damned if I don't take it as fast as I can. I need this, something to make me feel better even if only for a little while. I just needed it.

I pressed the cool tip against a patch of flesh that was already gruesomely marred with now white lines and dragged it across in a quick flick of the wrist. I closed my eyes as the pain that was so familiar and god damn calming washed over me, and it felt so great. The pain was familiar, I could never forget the feeling of being cut into when it was something I did daily only months ago. And sickly enough, I was as close to happy as I could get that I was feeling it once more.

I opened my eyes to inspect the damage, blood was seeping up quickly through the surprisingly wide wound and I had to press my arm against my thankfully black sweat pants. It was definitely sharp and just what I needed. I brought my arm back up and pressed the sharp end directly below the first wound and dragged it again. And again, and again, and again. Until my a large section of my arm was stained red.

The blood smeared onto my skin with how much I would dab it against my pants to get rid of the excess blood and the skin around each would was puffy and irritated. But the sight was almost beautiful, and the feeling I felt was actually peace for once. It was in the moments that I stopped to stare down at my freshly mutilated arm that I realized what I had done. I didn't think at all before doing it, it was just something I naturally knew I needed to do. And for once, I didn't regret my actions one bit.

I jumped at the sound of the door behind me creaking open, and at record speed I dropped the bloody screw into the crack of my dresser drawer and yanked my sleeve down. My heart rate speed up as I turned as casually as possible to face him, and a wave of relief washed over me when it seemed he didn't notice anything. Thankfully I had reacted in time, the last thing I needed was to have my new stress reliever confiscated when I haven't had it for over five minutes.

He was going about his business clueless, so I decided it was time for me to finally get to bed. Though, I knew I wouldn't be sleeping that easily. I made a mental note to keep my sleeve separate from my skin, knowing that if it sat in the blood for too long it would stick and rip the wounds open again. I knew that pain far too well and it wasn't a good kind of pain either. My arm felt uncomfortably wet, I would probably have to wash my skin off in the bathroom tomorrow morning.

My bones cried in relief as I finally sat down in my spot on the bed, the mattress wasn't the most comfortable but I wasn't complaining as long as I wasn't standing. I sighed lightly, making sure to hold the fabric of my sleeve away from my arm, only pressing it occasionally against the wounds to get rid of the uncomfortable warm trickling of blood down my skin. I would have to remember to be extra cautious not to reopen them in my sleep, these sheets were white after all.

And the only thing worse than Levi taking my screw would be the staff taking it, because then I would definitely not get it back.

I slowly moved my hand away from the sleeve I was holding as Levi crawled into bed, not wanting him to notice and question me since I wouldn't have a good answer. I didn't look at him, but I could feel him looking at me. I didn't really care much to acknowledge it, my headache was only getting more severe and I didn't want to deal with whatever he was staring me down for. So I pretended not to notice.

"Are you okay?" Came the question I only half expected, but I knew something was going to be said sooner or later. He concerns himself too much.

"Yeah. I feel shitty but i'm fine." It probably didn't make much since to say that, however it was the truth. I did feel horrible, because I was a piece of shit. But as far as hes concerned I will be fine.

"You shouldn't feel shitty, you did good." His hand fell on my shoulder in a comforting action, but for some reason I instantly shrugged it off.

I didn't know why I did it, perhaps I was just really irritated with myself and subconsciously projecting it on him because I was an asshole like that. But I couldn't control my irritation when it came, and I think it was coming on. He didn't deserve my shit, I knew I needed to hold my tongue and that's what I intended to attempt from that moment.

"Is there a problem?" His voice sounded sort of hurt and pretty annoyed, I don't blame him for getting annoyed with me. I was annoyed with me.

I shook my head and bit my lip, mostly upset with myself for the sudden burst of annoyance for pretty much no reason. Well, there was a reason. I was pissed at my own stupidity. I was pissed at myself for breaking so easily, and now that the moment of peace I acquired with tearing my skin was gone, I could only feel my own self hate.

"Why are you doing this now?" He sounded slightly more exasperated, apparently my attempts at not upsetting him were failing miserably.

"Don't." I didn't mean for it to come out snappy at all, but it may have come across that way. I could tell by how the air shifted with tension.

"Don't what? Ask why my boyfriend is suddenly being a total dick?" He definitely was annoyed at this point, and it was kind of shocking to hear him talk to me like that. But who could blame him?

Yet it fueled my annoyance no matter how much I knew that his words were justified.

"I don't know, kinda dealing with endless self hate." I snapped back sarcastically, so much for biting my tongue. I hated arguing so much but my toxic temper was too damn easy to trigger.

When I looked at him, I could see the annoyance mixed with a pain in his eyes. He obviously hated fighting just as much as I did, but it was something we did far too much lately. It wasn't good for either of us mentally, to turn on the only one we truly care about. But I always found it so impossible to shut my fucking mouth, and I hated myself more for it.

"Do you ever stop to think maybe I feel the same fucking way?" I could tell that even now, he was keeping his tone as in check as he could. Wow he was a much better person than I could ever hope to be. "Its really shitty that you always have to take your frustration out on me when I only want to help you, don't you dare think you're the only one hurting." He continued' on.

"I know, i'm an asshole." I chewed the inside of my cheek, I felt bad for being so selfish and it made me want to stab myself in the gut, but that's what the pain of hurting him felt like.

"You know, you really are sometimes and i'm really getting sick of it." He crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall as he spat the words, and it felt like daggers to my heart and fuel in my irritation.

"Then stop being so concerned over nothing all the time and I wont get upset." I said the first thing that came to mind, and it was probably the wrong thing admittedly.

"You think this is nothing?! Look at yourself, you are dying and you want me to just ignore that? I'm not going to stop concerning myself over you and your fucking wrong for always yelling at me over that." His voice escalated slightly, but not too much. He was still maintaining some sort of calm and that was amazing to me.

I sighed, frustration making my head pound worse and my stomach twist with anxiety. And there was that odd feeling again in the pit of my stomach that I just wanted to fucking go away.

"Can you just stop?" I half snapped in a tone that was far more bitter than I had intended, and as soon as I saw the look of hurt replace the anger in his eyes I knew I fucked up big time once again.

He remained silent, searching my eyes for a while and pursing him lips every now and again. I wanted to break the silence, but I knew no good would come from me opening my mouth again so I decided to wait for him. Though he was taking so long, I almost though he wasn't going to speak another word but I knew there was something he wanted to say. I couldn't stand seeing that pained look in his eyes that I put there.

Then he finally spoke up in a voice so broken.

"You broke your promise to me. You fucking broke it so many times." He shook his head lightly, tearing his eyes away from mine and looking down with a small, bitter chuckle. "I guess I was just a idiot for believing it in the first place, though. Do you remember your promise? How so many months ago you promised me that you would never hurt me? That you wanted to help me because you fucking loved me? And what have you done lately? All you've done is make me feel like shit!"

I felt horrible. I wanted to fix this, but my temper wasn't allowing any good to come out of my mouth. I didn't know what I could say, but I guess I couldn't really say anything because everything I said when I was pissed off is thoughtless and I almost always regret it. I wished I wasn't like this, hurting him because I can't keep my damn attitude in check was unacceptable. But here we are.

"What do you want me to say?" My voice got quieter, but I couldn't shake the annoyance that lingered. He sighed.

"You know what? Just don't say anything. You've said enough."

I could feel my heart literally shattering in my chest. But I couldn't fix this right now, I could do nothing but dig myself a deeper hole at the moment. I needed to calm down, and being near him wasn't helping. I had to back off, I had to distance myself to calm the hell down. Maybe it would come off as mean and childish, but I knew it was the right decision in the end so that I can cool off and maybe apologize later.

But of course nothing can be done without one last bitter word escapes my lips without my permission.

"Whatever." I almost instantly regretted it. But I was shocked and even more hurt when it was returned.

"Yeah, whatever Eren." He stated it so coldly, it reminded me of when we first met. How cold and mean he use to be, it was as if that side of him was suddenly pulled up again and the Levi that I knew was gone, perhaps I had gone too far this time.

But still, I pushed myself to my feet. Probably too quickly. Way too quickly. And as soon as I was standing, I knew something was horribly wrong. I felt dizzy, as usual but it was somehow much worse. My head pounded unbearably and impossibly worse than it has been all day, and my vision was extremely blurry. I began feeling more and more light headed as moments passed.

The seconds dragged by so slowly. And in those agonizingly slow seconds, I could see blackness taking over the edges of my vision. But I couldn't move. I felt panicked now, not understanding what was happening, though I couldn't really understand anything at the moment as my hearing cut in and out. I felt the need to close my eyes, but I fought against the urge with all I had. And then Sasha's words rang in my mind.

'I'm surprised your not in the infirmary'

Or dead. I thought faintly.

The darkness consuming my vision was expanding more and more. Tunneling my sight until I couldn't see a thing. Or hear for that matter. My head felt extremely light. though constricted. And the urge to close my eyes that I had fought for so long was overwhelming. I thought I heard Levi calling out for me in the split second before I finally let go and closed my eyes, but I couldn't be sure of anything anymore. The world was gone now.

And then darkness consumed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have the very worst point of Erens illness. Don't worry, hes not dead but very damaged. Wow that got really angsty, sorry not sorry. Also, I know I've said it before but if anyone reading this is thinking about doing something like this to get thinner, please don't do it. I describe the truth of my own experiance in detail in this for a reason, and that is to scare anyone thinking about trying this away from the idea. Idiotic Pro ana/mia groups may glorify it and make it seem tempting, but all of this is the harsh and ugly truth. Keep it in mind. Don't end up like Eren. And now that that serious note is over, I would like to thank you all for staying with me for 19 freaking chapters! It truly means so much to me. Please comment if you still like reading this, it gives me so much modivation. Until next chapter~


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I say this like every single update, but I am super mega hella sorry for how late this one is. I can explain for the people who I haven't told upon asking. So my laptop died on me. Literally died on me, it doesn't turn on or anything and apparently I can't fix it because it'd cost less to just get a new one, which I am doing next month. But I lost all of my shit, all the unposted/unfinished ereri and a few other ship one shots along with a ereri high school au i've been working really hard on every once in a while to have prewritten to post once this is over. So I lost like 4 long ass chapters of that along with quite a few chapter plots for this fic. As you can imagine I was pissed off to the fucking moon and back about this and for like 3 weeks I went through a thing where I literally just gave up writing and almost discontinued this, but after reading all the wonderful comments I got from you guys, I decided I just cant leave this unfinished and I will continue it till the end. But its very hard, because with no laptop I now have to type everything out on my kindle and then hand copy it from my kindle to the house computer, then reread/spell check it. And let me tell you, that fucking sucked but this is a fairly short chapter so it wasn't too bad. However, I would like to say that I probably will not update this until mid next month or so, hopefully a bit earlier. I just felt that I needed to tell you guys this so you know i'm not just being lazy or abandoning this, its just really hard. Okay, I will end this long ass note now.  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Description of self harm and talk of suicide  
> Enjoy!

I can only remember darkness. A consuming darkness that was unrelenting until I was completely pulled under. But other than that, nothing.

I was awake, but it was too hard to open my eyes. My body felt heavy and sort of numb, I couldn't move. Not that I even tried. But I could hear, and what I heard was a sort of soft almost weeping sound. I could feel what had to be a pair of arms holding me tight and a warmth trembling against me.

Finally, I found myself able to open my eyes that had felt glued shut previously. My vision was hazy for I don't know how long, time felt stuck together and my mind was jumbled. I didn't even know where I was or what was happening. Everything was so disorienting.

But when my vision did focus, I realized that I did in fact hear weeping, and it was coming from Levi. It would seem he was holding me tight against his chest, his body shaking with silenced sobs and his face contorted in despair as tears streamed down his porcelain cheeks. The expression looked so misplaced, the hurt not something that belongs on him. But it was there.  
Maybe this was a sick dream, it felt like one though I don't remember falling asleep. But I don't really remember much at all. I can remember coming back to the room and I can remember finding a screw on the ground. I remember a pain that I can faintly feel throbbing on my forearm. I also remember Levi and I having a few words, but that's where it ends.

My limbs still feel like weights, but I know I need to do something. I need to know why Levi is crying and I need to know what's happening. The air felt tense and sort of unreal, and if this was a dream I wanted nothing more but to wake up because I don't like this. I don't like it at all.

"Levi..." I managed to mumble, my voice so weak and barley audible but I know it was heard in the silence.

His eyes immediately opened and landed on me, a mixture of disbelief and relief swirling in those deep blue orbs. And then he pulled me closer so that my head was against his chest and I could no longer see his face, however I could still feel him shaking.

"Eren... oh my god Eren." His voice was strained and I could tell that he has been crying for a long time. But why?

"What happened?" I questioned in what I hoped to be a stronger voice. Everything was beginning to feel more real and it only increased my curiosity burning within.

I was also growing frustrated, not knowing what happened for me to end up like this striking a fear into me that I could only process with frustration. It was scary, being this disoriented and confused was foreign to me and I hated it.

"You don't remember?" He pulled back a bit, enabling me to see his tear stained face that I would never get use to. I could count the Times I've seen him cry on one hand and have fingers to spare, even though he has much to cry about he never does. "You fainted..."

Anxiety spread throughout me immediately at his words. I fainted? I could hardly believe that, I didn't want to believe that. Instantly, what Sasha had said popped into my mind. How she said she had fainted and almost died. Does that mean I almost died? I didn't feel that bad, though I never really do as long as I'm laying still.

I tried so hard to remember, but I couldn't seem to recall fainting in my mind. I couldn't really recall much from the point that Levi and I started talking earlier and that scared me. I didn't know why I couldn't remember, or what could be wrong with me to erase the memory but it freaked me out. Everything was just so foggy.

"I... I fainted?" I questioned, still not wanting to accept it because I can't shake the thoughts of what Sasha had told me. I didn't want to believe that I was that close to death.

"You did..." His voice remained shaky and broken, and it didn't suit him at all. It made my heart hurt. "I was so fucking terrified Eren, I thought you we're gonna leave me. You just fell back but I caught you, and I fucking panicked. And even though I could still feel your heart, I couldn't stop thinking that you weren't going to wake up." His voice got progressively more shaky as he spoke, showing how truly distraught he was.

" I just kept telling you that I loved you, because I couldn't stand the thought that my last words to you would've been fighting words. I'm so sorry for being an ass before. I don't want you to die Eren. Please don't leave-" his voice broke off at the end and more tears began rapidly streaming down his cheeks.

He closed his eyes tight and clenched his teeth, lowering his head as he forced back a sob that I felt shake his body. He was still holding me tight as though he never wanted to let me go. He was so hurt, so broken. And what I couldn't stand the most was the fact he was apologizing to me. I don't remember everything fully, but I know that I was in the wrong and he did nothing wrong.

I was the one that hurt him.

I hurt him directly and indirectly. I never thought that what I chose to do with myself would ever make him cry this much if at all. I felt like shit for letting it be taken this far, so far that he thought I was dead and he broke down like this. In actuality, I probably had almost died, it would help a lot if I could fucking remember. But I have been so selfish, I wouldn't even try to fix myself even with how much it hurt him for me to stay like this. Not that I wanted to get better.

And that was the problem. I felt like a piece of shit because even while he's holding me and breaking down before my eyes, I still didn't want to get better. My mind was too polluted to consider it. Though deep down I knew I had to eventually and it would seem eventually is sooner than i'd like. If only for Levis sake, I couldn't continue this. I just fainted for fuck sake, just like Sasha did when she almost died.

"Don't apologize to me. I'm sorry that I worried you so much..." my voice suddenly cracked without my permission and before I knew it I was in tears without even knowing when they began to flow. But here they were. "I've been selfish and I hurt you but I promise I didn't mean to I just..."

The lump in my throat became too much to bear with and soon rendered me unable to speak anymore, so I gritted my teeth and buried my face into Levis shoulder, feeling his arms hold me tighter as I threw mine around his neck and sobbed. The crying seemed to worsen the sharp pain pulsating through my head with each sob, and that only made me cry harder. The pain in both my head and my heart was unbearable.

"The only two people I let get close to me left me..." I could hear Levi speak out, his voice slightly more composed but still not him. Not a trace of that uncaring facade he always held in his tone, just raw emotion. "And since that, I never let anyone get close to me. But I let you in because you were special. If you get ripped away from me and leave me alone I don't know what I'm going to do."

Everything about him was vulnerable right now, from the shaking in his voice to the tears I knew were still streaming down his face, as well as the way his body trembled with sobs. I've seen him cry before, but never ever was it this bad. Not even when he told me about his past. He seemed completely broken down right now, and I'm sure he was. And it's all my fault.

"One of the only things running through my mind when you passed out was what I would do if you never woke up. I just knew that I was going to kill myself because I know for a fact I can't go on here without you..." he choked on his words once more, and grew silent for a few moments as he composed himself again. "I can't do it... I can't live without you with me Eren."

"Don't talk like that." I pulled back slightly to look him in his now puffy eyes. I had tried to sound stronger but my words came out more as a pathetic and hoarse plead. 

He simply stared into my eyes for a few long moments, something about the look almost seemed as if he was relieved that I was here but that was overpowered by the look of sheer pain. My heart felt as though it was being physically torn in half as I examined his face further. It looked almost stiff from the countless trails of dried tears that were continuously accompanied by fresh ones, and his eyes were slightly red and so tired.

"No. Because you know what, I'm telling you the truth. Never in my life have I felt the way I do about you, and knowing that you feel the same about me is what keeps me from finding a way to just fucking slit my wrists. If I don't have you then I don't want to be alive anymore." He reached up to cup my face in shaky hands as he spoke, brushing away countless tear stains with his thumbs.

"I'm here now..." I managed through my sobs, raising one hand to rest over his, and once out hands met I couldn't figure out which one of us was trembling. Probably both.

"Yeah but for how long?" He half whispered. "How do I know that this is my last night with you? How do I know that your going to even wake up tomorrow? I'm scared Eren I'm so fucking scared."

I didn't want to admit it, but I was growing scared for myself the more let this all sink in. Sasha's words of how close she came to death stuck in the back of my mind and wouldn't leave me alone, the fact that I so easily could end up dead was overwhelming because I never fully acknowledged that this problem is real and it's truly effecting my ability to be alive. I never acknowledged until know that I really was dying.

I wanted to go on thinking that I didn't give a fucking if I was alive or not, but it wasn't true. Maybe I didn't back before I met Levi, but something changed in me and I don't want to anymore. I thought about it a lot, I thought that I would be better off dead and that I wanted to be. But when death was finally staring me in the face I was terrified. 

I realize now that I want to stay here, with him. No matter how much I hate myself and I hate life, I love him enough for all the hate I feel to be slightly more manageable.

But with where I'm at now, it's more than possible that I've gotten this realization when it was too late. And even if it wasn't, I had no faith in myself to turn it around. I still don't think I have the strength within for that. I'm weak, succumbing to my broken minds orders in hopes of hating myself less someday. But at this rate, I won't live to that day.

"I'm so sorry Levi." I spoke, voice shaking and broken. I needed to apologize truly once again, just in case he was right and I never did wake up. In case I won't ever have the chance to.

I hated myself so much, I hurt him badly and it seems I may have hurt myself just beyond repair. And if I have, I would drag Levi down with me once I meet my end. All because I wasn't strong enough to battle my demons. My head hurt so badly and my stomach was in knots, I could hardly move and even though my arms were resting on his shoulders, they still felt as though they'd give out.

"You can't leave me." His words came as a barely audible whisper, broken and pained. "Please don't leave me, I can't take it if you do. You need to get better and I know you don't want to and maybe you don't care if you leave me behind but I care and I can't live without you." The seemingly endless tears still fell down his cheeks, leaving another trail as they streamed.

It was painful to watch, almost as painful as the pounding in my head that felt like a hundred piercing daggers at all angles. He was so vulnerable, facade of uncaring disinterested stripped away and what was left before me was a fully emotionally broken person. He seemed to be in a worse shape than I myself was in, and I was the one facing death. Yet he cried and cried over me.  
Sometimes I still found it hard to believe that he loved me, but this display, as heart shattering as it may be was the finest proof I could see that his feelings were true. No matter how much my mind told me that he could move on without a thought, it simply wasn't the truth. The fact that he would follow me into death is assuring in the sickest way, but also a motive I can use to live.

Only if I could make it through the night, of course. Because this pain made me believe that death was just a blind step away.

"I don't want to die..." I finally choked out, my words nearly catching in my throat as another trail of tears crept into my eyes and fell. "I really really don't want to die and i'm scared." My words barley formed themselves and then I could no longer speak as tears rushed down my cheeks and a lump formed in my throat once again.

With a pathetic whimper, I leaned forward and clung to him desperately, wrapping my arms around him as tightly as I could and burying my tear soaked face in his chest. I dug my slender fingers into the fabric of his shirt as I began sobbing, the friction of the cloth almost burning against my freezing fingers but even so I needed to hold him as close and as tight as I possibly could. And I couldn't help but feel ever so slightly safer as his much stronger arms wrapped tightly around my frame in the most comforting yet desperate way.

I wanted to keep telling him how sorry I was for letting it go this far, but I knew I couldn't form a coherent sentence even if I tried with just how hard I was crying. In the back of my mind, I felt so weak because I had let myself break down once again in front of him, but at the same time there was no preventing it. Especially with how he had broken down in front of me, because when he hurts I hurt and I can't help the way my heart breaks when he's in such a bad state and letting it be known.

All I could do was sob into his shoulder and wait for myself to calm down enough to speak, but it would seem the more I consciously tried to stop crying the more tears rushed down my face and the harder my body trembled. I suppose I was well due for a long cry, because with how fucked up I am I should be crying myself to sleep every night like I use to but I can't with a easily concerned boyfriend sleeping next to me. So this time when I started, I just couldn't stop.

"I'm so sorry for everything mean that I've ever said to you, I didn't mean any of it and I love you so much." It was so painfully apparent in the way his voice shook that he was so emotionally worn to the point of being completely broken, it was the most hurt I have ever seen him.

But there was something so final in the way he spoke, almost like a goodbye. As if he truly believed that this could very well be the last time he's speaking to me, and hell it very well could be but it hurt so badly to hear him talk that way. I too believed that this could be the end but at the same time I wanted to try. I wanted to live to at least tomorrow so I could make a weak attempt at reversing this. Seeing him like this made me want to try to get better, and I've never ever felt that it was something that I needed to do because I've always brushed this disorder off as for the most part harmless. But now I see it's truly killing me and if I'm dead so is Levi.

I would not let that happen, even if I have to live through pain then at least Levi is still here giving me hope.

"I..." I struggled to find my voice and keep it somewhat steady. "I want to get better, I really really do. I don't want to leave you." I wiped my eyes and pulled back slightly to see his face.

His eyes were still glassy, I could tell that he had definitely shed more tears since I began, but there was a underlying sort of shock in his eyes, as if he hadn't expected me to say what I had said. Though I could understand why it's there, with how I have been acting and with what I've been doing to myself anyone would assume I have a death wish. And for the longest time I thought I did too, maybe I truly did before I fell in love with Levi. But now that he's here I don't want to leave him.

"I can help you, I know I can. I failed before but I won't this time, I'll never give up on you Eren." His hands rose to cup my cheeks as he spoke softly, vulnerability still cracking through.

Something about his words brought about fresh tears that soon began to roll down my face, tears that he would then gently brush away with his thumbs in the most caring fashion. It was a odd time to feel it, but I suddenly had another one of those moments where I'm overwhelmed with how much I actually love him, causing a flutter in my stomach that clashes uncomfortably with the pain of hunger that still lies there. It was almost an unreal feeling when I thought about how I never thought I'd ever have someone who loved me like this, and it almost brought some sense that I'd be okay. Almost. But then I remembered the situation I'm in then it's back to reality.

I brought my hands up to rest on top of his, curling my fingers around the edge of his hands to hold them in a grip that was tight to me but definitely weak to him. I could see a single tear begin to fall down his face as I gazed into his eyes, and with my last bit of energy, i reached out to wipe it away.

"Please don't cry anymore." I half whispered, mostly because I couldn't find the strength in my voice to raise it.  
He leaned into my hand, closing his eyes for a moment to take a deep breath in what appeared to be a vein attempt at regaining his long gone composure. His hands slid back a bit to cup my jawline, his fingers running through the short and brittle hair at the back of my neck as he opened his eyes once more.

"I'm broken, and you're the only one that's keeping me sane." He stated, his voice slowly beginning to sound like his again as he raised that wall up again to block out his emotions. But even though he was making an effort to keep his emotions out of his voice again, the pain lies with his words.

"How can I help fix you?" I questioned softly, because I wanted to help him and I always have but he's never given me a hint on how. He sighed lightly. 

"Just don't die." He said. "I'll be okay as long as you don't leave me alone." 

"I won't." I answered instantly but I could never speak for sure so I didn't know if I was lying, but I knew that from here on out I was going to try. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes, and no matter how pissed off I get with myself for agreeing to get better, I was going to do it so long as I live to make the change.

He seemed unsure of my words, but at the same time I knew that he believed me. And for the moment I even believed myself, if only I could permanently retain this confidence. But all thoughts were wiped clear from my mind just for a moment as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine, an unexpected action but a effortlessly welcomed one.

I instantly wrapped my arms around his chest as his hands stayed at my jawline, still massaging small circles at the back of my neck with his fingers. My stomach fluttered at how gentle and sweet the kiss was, finding myself relieved that he didn't pull away after a few seconds, since lately our kisses had become short. I was glad that there was now finally one that made me feel almost happy. I couldn't describe the feeling I got as he kissed me softly for those long moments, but it was the best feeling that I've felt in a long time.

He began to move out from under me, effortlessly shifting our position so that we were both laying on our side without breaking the kiss. He draped his arm around my side and I kept mine doing the same. Though the kiss was soon broken after that, and that was to my displeasure and slight relief since I had been holding my head up a bit in that position but I could now rest it against the pillow.

I had relaxed, but that relaxation was short lived once I began to shift my arm slightly to get more comfortable and I was met with a shooting pain in my forearm. I was able to perfectly stifle a gasp of pain but I did stiffen up a bit. I had to think hard for a second until my confusion was put to rest when I remembered why it hurt. Oh right, I cut my arm with a dirty screw. And with that memory back in my head, I very suddenly felt the need to go cut my arm until there was nothing left of it.

I didn't feel that way so much because I was very upset, but more over I haven't had the opportunity to do that in a really long time and I missed the pain. I wanted to feel it again and I wanted to see blood, I wanted to hurt myself and forget about all of the other constant pains I feel from everything else. I had to question how I had forgotten about the screw I stashed for the whole time since I woke up, though it was sort of understandable with everything that happened from that point.

But suddenly, I was pulled out of my thoughts by Levi grabbing both of my hands and holding them in his own warm ones, resting our intertwined hands between us on the bed. I brought my gaze to meet his, and he looked slightly concerned but I could tell also tired. That much worry and tears had to take it out of him, especially since he hasn't slept a full night in a long time.

"Are you okay?" He questioned once he knew he had my attention, his voice was back to normal but there were still evidence of tears in his glassy eyes. I nodded my head.

He closed his eyes with a small sigh and scooted closer, holding my hands a little tighter as if to assure himself that I was still there beside him. I gave a slight squeeze back to the best of my ability, too mindful not to move my arm in fear of opening the wounds.

"I love you so much." He whispered lightly with his eyes still closed, seemingly close to falling asleep.

"I love you too, I promise I'll be here when you wake up." I felt the need to say, keeping my tone just as soft as his as not to disturb him. 

I was glad that he was finally sleeping, and I hoped that he would sleep through the night. Both for his own health and for my own ulterior motive. I instantly began forming a plan in my mind to carefully move out of bed when I know he's asleep and finally relive myself with the screw. The session was cut short earlier, and I needed more time. It struck me that this could help me in the long run, swapping a deadly habit for a harmful one. I always did feel like cutting myself after eating but I never had the tools to, and now that I did maybe this could help me and perhaps make recovery a less painful process. Maybe.

And so I waited and waited, watching down on Levis face as he drifted into sleep. Watching as it occasionally went from peaceful to slightly more disturbed in what I could assume was him waking up from his half asleep state. But eventually the peace that settled on his features finally remained for full minutes and his lips parted slightly as he breathed. To be safe, I kept watch for just a few more minutes to be absolutely sure that he was asleep. And after what felt like forever but was probably just a half hour, I was positive that he was in slumber.

I began to carefully maneuver myself as slowly as I could in an attempt at getting out of bed without shifting it too much. First gently prying his fingers from mine and then taking my time to roll out of bed. Once I was at the very edge, I began to slowly stand, keeping all the caution I had began with. I felt a rush of excited anxiety once I had finally gotten myself to my feet without waking him, I watched his face for a bit to make sure he was still fast asleep before carefully turning around and quietly making my way to the drawer.

I had to glance back to once again double check that he was sleeping before opening the top drawer the screw was hidden in silently, and once it was open there it was. The dull silver stood out against the black sweat pants I had aimlessly dropped it on when I slipped it through the cracked drawer, and I picked it up with anticipation. I thought for a moment about what the best way to go about this would be, figuring it would be too easy for Levi to wake up and catch me just standing on the other side of the room and question me on it. Well, no matter what I did it would be hard to explain off if he were to wake up. But I decided to seat myself on the bed opposite to the one Levi slept on.

I sat with my legs crisscrossed and facing Levi so that I could keep close watch if needed. I then averted my eyes down to the screw in my palm, focusing my ears to any slight shift that could indicate that Levi had woken up. Then hooking my fingers around the sleeve of my arm with the cuts, I began pulling it up, ignoring the sharp pain as the wounds were ripped open and left to bleed as I rolled the sleeve past my elbow.

I switched the screw into my other hand, looking down at the previous slice marks that were fairly deep upon inspection as they bled out. Flipping the screw in my fingers so that the sharp part was facing in, I figured I couldn't waste anymore time. The anxious excitement was killing me anyway, and I knew I had to do this now. I needed it. And with the thought of just how much I needed it in mind, I brought the screw down to a patch of white scarred skin and pressed the sharp end to my flesh.

One drag, then another, then another. One by one the progressively deeper gashes lined up down my arm as I placed them there. Thick crimson flowing faster as individual streams merged with one another and dripped carelessly down onto the fabric of my black sweat pants. It was so relieving, the throbbing pain left after each flick of the wrist being the most relaxing feeling I've ever felt and was almost foreign to me now. I missed it so much.

I began to remember all the things that I missed from my old life, memories I had blocked out to make life easier but every now and again they'd seep through the surface of my mind and when they did the pain was excruciating. I remembered Mikasa and Armin, I thought of how disappointed they'd be in me. I thought of how much they must miss me and I thought about the possibility that maybe they've forgotten me. Like most other family to the people left here to rot, away from society.

And suddenly the feeling of relief faded and I was left with a soul crushing emptiness as I thought back and remembered things I don't want to remember. Mikasa always by my side, Armin talking to me late at night when I wanted to cut, the way I felt safe and comfortable with them, and how it all ended when I killed dad. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes and every single feeling close to content Levis words had left me feeling was gone and there was only one way to fix the pain this time.

So I continued slicing deep wounds, one after the other, deeper and deeper until I couldn't get them any deeper. I gritted my teeth, remembering moms scream and dads lifeless eyes, watching the blood pour from my arm and thinking how much it resembled that night when I slit my wrists. I just kept cutting and cutting till I felt numb inside and my arm felt like fire. My skin was barley visible underneath the blanket of warm red, and I snapped myself out of my self hating haze long enough to realize I needed to do something about this blood.

I stood as quickly as I could but slow enough not to faint, still being hit with a dizziness that made me want to fall back but at least it faded this time. I checked once more to see that Levi was asleep, and once I knew he was I walked back over to my dresser and first tucked the screw under a pile of clothes, then pulling up the loose leg of a pair of black sweat pants to hold against my bleeding arm. I was sure to angle my body away from Levi so in case he does wake up he can't see what I'm doing.  
I put as much pressure to the wounds as I possibly could after I had wiped away as much blood as possible, being sure to pull the fabric away every twenty seconds or so to prevent the cloth from sticking. I counted in my head each time, willing them to hurry up and stop bleeding so that I could get back to bed without being caught. And just as I thought that-

"Eren what are you doing?" Came Levis sleepy voice from behind me.

I tensed up and immediately dropped the pant leg and yanked my sleeve down. I panicked for a few moments, racking my brain for an excuse, any excuse that would fool him. I was so fucked.

"I got cold." I tried to speak as casually as possible as I spoke the first thing that came to mind, elbowing the drawer shut as I turned around. "I wanted to change into a warmer shirt." All I could do was pray that he didn't notice that I had the same shirt on and in fact did not change it.

He was propped up slightly on his elbow, eyes squinted and tired. He took a moment to react, simply shrugging his shoulders and laying back down to my extraordinary relief.

"Just come back to bed." He stated in a sleepy voice that was actually sort of cute, and I had no choice but to obey.

So I slipped back into bed and joined him under the covers that really did nothing to warm me. He instantly cuddled up to me and pressed his face against my chest, wrapping his arms around me. I too wrapped one arm around him but was sure to be extremely mindful about where I placed the other hoping that I would not bleed through and onto a pillow despite my efforts to prevent it.

Levi seemed to fall right back to sleep, though I couldn't blame him since he never slept and the stress of today had to take it completely out of him. But I knew I wasn't going back to sleep. The memories that had resurfaced mere minutes ago were not gone and I knew it was going to take me a while to bury them again. They kept pushing back to the front of my mind and leaving an aching feeling in my heart, both the happy and sad ones.

I didn't bother closing my eyes because I knew I'd only see unwanted visuals of either good times with my sister and best friend, or my horrified mother and dead father. I had attempted to focus on Levis face that was half visible against my chest and the way his shoulders peacefully rose and fell, but it was no use, I could only think.

And so I was left to think about all the painful memories from my past all night with no hope of sleep, and I could only wish that tomorrow would be a better day even though deep down it knew it could very well be the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like that was really rushed but oh well, I had a mission to post this by the end of the week and I just made that deadline. I really hope it wasn't too bad, and again i'm really sorry that I took a million years just a post a shit chapter that is literally the worlds worst filler. I'm hoping to have a easier time with the next chapter because it will be from Levis POV and that's always fun, though like I said I cannot be certain when i'll get that up with the writing/posting issues combined with personal issues such as my struggling recovery from anorexia. yay me. I also hope that my overall annoyance with life didn't corrupt my writing as bad as I see it. And if you did enjoy it and are willing to stick with me, please leave a comment saying so, it really does help me! Thank you guys so much for reading, it absolutely means the world to me. So, until the next update~


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I swear I can actually explain this time. So I did get a new laptop, however guess what? It broke the day after I got it. My luck right? I'll probably spend this whole note explaining my life problems so feel free to skip it but yeah, this will be about life. So my brother told me this laptop didn't come with a word document so I was just like okay let me download one so I googled it and clicked the first link that came up because I always thought that was the smartest thing but haha no life hates me and it immediately gave my laptop a virus. Fun. So my 'dad' Angerly took it from me and "fixed" it by deleting the file but it didn't work obviously so i'm just like u dumb fuck that doesn't work and after much arguing we decided to just get a new one while the warranty was good. And that in itself took over 2 weeks to ship a new one, then came the problem of finding a word document when I got the new one. That took me a million years to figure out, and while doing so I was definitely going through the process of why do I even write because it seems everything happenes to prevent me from it. But get this. It caME WITH A FUCKING WORD DOCUMENT. So that made me both happy and extremely frustrated. But it still took me a while to get back on writing because a million other personal problems such as my girlfriend cheating and me eventually bringing myself to leave her because emotional abuse and all that junk, issues that continue with my old ex, my mom having tons of health scares like fainting in the middle of the night and going to the hospital, my 'dad being a over all cunt, my phone fucking up and much more including struggles with ed recovery that ended up in me fainting and being brought to the emergency room. Great fucking times right? Cool things happened too, though. Like I got two lip piercings and my nose pierced so that's cool. Also cut off all my hair. Okay that's about it, sorry I know most of you probably don't care enough to read to this point, I just needed to vent a little and provide a legit answer of why I take so long to update. I swear I'll try to update regularly from this point on and I will be continuing this to the end. And if for some reason your interested in me, I would marry you if you followed my fairly new instagram account. I started it because I love doing makeup and I wanted a place to post my shit so I made one and literally no one likes me so you should follow me, I occasionally cosplay attack on titan woo. Also if you've ever wondered what I look like then there's your chance. My username is miss_morbid_  
> If you read this whole note I love the fuck out of you, thank you. And also thank you for all the wonderful comments and over 10,000 hits! I can't express how much it means to me.  
> Enjoy~

Levis POV

I never thought that Erens problem would ever get to be this bad. I never really knew much about eating disorders and what they can do to someone's head, but I guess at first I thought this would resolve itself. I thought maybe he'd just lose a few pounds, get tired of being hungry, and then back to normal. But I suppose it was plain stupid to believe that someone with as many demons as that would just stop starving once he saw a form of results.

All I could do was try to understand him. I understood what it was like to hate yourself because fuck I don't have a ounce of love for myself or who I am but I could never imagine pushing myself to such extremes to improve my self image. I guess I was simply content with hating myself and doing nothing about it. But he wasn't. I also knew that he has kept pushing and pushing, and even though he's sickly at this point it would seem he still thinks it's not good enough. I will never understand how he doesn't see how sick he is but I suppose that's just what a sick mind can do to a person.

And what a shame it was that he felt this way about himself. When he came in, he was so beautiful. Eyes a piercing green and a slight tan that brought the amazing color out more, his brunette hair so soft and shiny. And that's not to say he's not still the most beautiful person in my eyes, but everything about him is just so sick now and it makes my heart hurt when I think about it. 

His skins now pale, eyes dulled and I swear I could see every bone in his face. His voice was also a lot weaker and soft as though he didn't have the energy to even speak, but he was a hell of a lot meaner too and when he wanted to raise his voice he had no problem. I was aware that hunger could make someone irritable but even so it hurt that I had to chose my words carefully with him to avoid a fight, especially when approaching the topic of recovery.

And I was so fucking scared that he wouldn't ever want to get better and that I would lose him. It was almost unreal to think about, even though I've gone years alone it somehow seemed impossible to live without him. I wasn't one to believe in fate or soul mates but if I do have a soul mate out there, it's him. I know it is. Losing him means losing the only true happiness I've ever known in years, and I don't think I could take that. I truly believe that if he died, I would find a way to kill myself immediately. It wouldn't be that hard after all, I'd break a mirror and use the glass, hang myself with the bed sheet, overdose on the pills we've both been pretending to take. Anything to end my life because I wouldn't have one worth living without him.

I only wanted him to get better, it had gotten so bad and I've begun legitimately fearing for his life every second of every day. He looked dead, so that was a obvious indicator that it was time to really fucking worry. At this point I knew I had to tell him that he needs to get better, no matter what. I don't care if it means he'll hate me forever, if it comes to it ill tell the staff that he's starving himself and was near death. Anything to insure that he would live, even if he went on living hating me. But that was a last resort, for now I'd talk to him and try to convince him.

And I tried often, and very little did I get a good result from it. It almost always ended in a fight and he would always say things that fucking crushed me but if that's what it takes to eventually get him the help he desperately needs then so be it. He needed to open his eyes and understand that he really truly was dying, but I didn't know how to make that happen. My first plan was to wait it out because I assumed he'd simply see on his own that he wasn't well at all but it would seem that he cant see or he doesn't care to.

Very little progress was being made with my methods, but it was still something. I had managed to keep a watchful eye on him to make sure he doesn't go running off to the bathroom to vomit and I had managed to isolate him the past few days at breakfast and dinner so that he couldn't brush me off while making conversation with others to get out of eating. But the problem of eating in itself still stood, because now he was just blatantly refusing. I had gotten him to eat a full meal and that was very good for him but it was only one meal and he was still dying. The next day I got him to eat a few grapes, which sounds pathetic but I had managed to get him to at least eat something two days in a row and that's good because I know he has gone more than five days without eating and probably would again if I left him alone.

I could tell that he didn't want this anymore, I understood that much. He seemed so tired of everything and I witnessed his inner battle with the grapes and how he was forcing himself not to eat even when I could see that he wanted to. I understood that it was a mental battle more than anything, I knew there had to be some kind of voice telling him to stop eating just like there's the voice in my head telling me that I should die. We may not have the same demons but I understood mental illness well enough to know in a sense were the same. Only hes acting on what the voice tells him and I'll act on mine too if hes gone, because hes the only reason I haven't listened to the voice yet.

But even with these small steps I helped him make, they were still steps towards recovery and even though they're not leaps its still something. I was pretty satisfied that night when he at least ate a few grapes, so I didn't give him a hard time and I didn't push because I knew it took a lot for him to do that much at least. I was working on my sensitivity towards the subject and working to understand the illness better, and the first thing I learned was that I couldn't just push him further when hes making his best effort

I knew he was upset after dinner but when I walked back into our room after showers, something felt off. I couldn't place it and nothing seemed wrong but I just had some sort of gut feeling. Actually, something felt off about that whole day, it felt almost like the feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen but I had no way to know what it was.

As I entered I saw Eren sitting on our bed as usual, already done dressing since he was always finished before me. I ignored the feeling as I got dressed, because nothing really seemed wrong but once I was fully clothed and and found myself sitting on the bed next to him, the air around us seemed to tense. I decided to at least ask if he was okay, just to relieve my odd anxiety that settled in the pit of my stomach. And he gave the reply I would expect of him.

“Yeah. I feel shitty but i'm fine.” He replied, and he sounded tensed, almost upset and snappy.

“You shouldn't feel shitty, you did good.” I spoke in a peaceful tone as not to annoy him because that's always easy to do, and I placed my hand gently on his shoulder in an affectionate attempt to calm him from his tense state.

However my heart dropped when I felt him roughly shrug my hand off his shoulder, I looked up to find that he was only staring forward with a slightly irritated expression. That fucking hurt. I felt a wave of irritation, suddenly feeling that I shouldn't have to take that from him when I was only trying to comfort him. I mean, I knew he was hurting and he couldn't really help it but fuck that didn't mean he was aloud to treat me like trash all the time. Normally I could deal with it but for some reason it felt like my mind just snapped and I was so done with that. I felt so hurt. Even though it wasn't as bad of an offence as it could be, it still hurt like hell.

"Is there a problem?" I questioned, not bothering to hide the fact that I was hurt and getting irate.

He simply shook his head slowly, biting his lip and staring forward as if he was keeping an outburst inside. I was glad that whatever things that were running through his mind to take out on me were staying in his mind but I was more annoyed with the fact that he was getting pissed in the first place. What did I even do to deserve his anger? Nothing. My face was beginning to feel hot and I almost wanted to cry out of a sudden burst of frustration. Almost. It was like all the anger and sadness I pushed aside all the other many times he hurt me like this was coming forth.

"Why are you doing this now?" I gave another question because I couldn't let this go. I couldn't just roll over and go to sleep with this anger and pain. Fighting it out was at least better than pushing it aside to build up more and more till it eventually comes out. And I know it will because that's whats happening now.

"Don't." His voice was quick and snappy, tone one of irritation that both stung and pissed me off more.

"Don't what? Ask why my boyfriend is suddenly being a total dick?" I kinda wanted to slap myself in the face for letting myself talk to him like that, but then again he talked to me like that so fuck it.

I could definitely see that he was also shocked by my wording, but only slightly because his expression was one of over all anger. Or at least what I could see of it. My heart ached, not wanting to fight anymore but my mind just wasn't able to let it go. I could only take so much and I needed to fucking fight back. It was never like me to sit back and take shit like that, well not like me since I got myself locked up in here and I was beginning to feel like I did when I was just 13. Simply sitting back while he took everything out on me, saying such mean things and hurting me. Sure he eventually apologized but that didn't make it right.

"I don't know, kinda dealing with endless self hate." He finally looked at me as he spoke, and for just a moment I could see a flicker of regret in his paled green eyes, probably able to see just on my face how much pain fighting put me through. Or maybe he saw the anger because his face immediately went back to the expression of frustration.

"Do you ever stop to think maybe I feel the same fucking way?" I wanted to yell at him but even now I still had enough control to keep my tone in check. "Its really shitty that you always have to take your frustration out on me when I only want to help you, don't you dare think you're the only one hurting." I finally let him know exactly what was on my mind.

"I know, i'm an asshole." 

"You know, you really are sometimes and i'm really getting sick of it." I immediately bit back and watched his face contort further in irritation as I leaned back against the wall with my arms crossed.

"Then stop being so concerned over nothing all the time and I wont get upset." he replied with a sigh, i knitted my eyebrows.

"You think this is nothing?! Look at yourself, you are dying and you want me to just ignore that? I'm not going to stop concerning myself over you and your fucking wrong for always yelling at me over that." I let my voice escalate slightly to get my point across, face growing warmer with anger.

"Can you just stop?" he snapped.

I simply stared at him for a long while, feeling so damn frustrated and hurt that my mind wasn't making sense anymore. I wanted to say everything but I also wanted to say nothing. I wanted to tell him exactly how I felt about everything but at the same time I wanted to just lay down and forget this ever happened. But there was also this small but growing voice in the back of my mind telling me that I wanted to lay down and never wake up. And maybe I did at this point.

"You broke your promise to me. You fucking broke it so many times." I tore my eyes away from him and let the words flow without really thinking, a soft, bitter chuckle leaving my throat without my permission. "I guess I was just a idiot for believing it in the first place, though. Do you remember your promise? How so many months ago you promised me that you would never hurt me? That you wanted to help me because you fucking loved me? And what have you done lately? All you've done is make me feel like shit!" I knew my voice was cracking and I knew he could tell that I was on the verge of a breakdown but I didn't even care at the moment. I couldn't hide it.

"What do you want me to say?" he said a bit softer after a few beats of silence, but while his tone was softer I could tell he was still angry. Of course.

"You know what? Just don't say anything. You've said enough." I shook my head, letting my voice fall and not even caring how much vulnerability I was showing. I was just done. Everything hurt too much to continue this.

"Whatever." the words were silent, even more silent than the last but I heard them loud and clear.

The air around me felt as though it simply stilled and there was no more oxygen left to breathe. I took a quiet, shuddering breath as my heart literally snapped into a million pieces for the last time. I was so shaken, my heart, my mind, everything hurt. I just wanted to lay down and cry forever. This was why I never let anyone get close to me, I always got hurt. It felt like my parents disowning me all over again. How they were so nice and loving for so long but they just suddenly stopped. Only with Eren, it felt like he gradually stopped loving me more and more until I wasn't sure if he even cared anymore.

It doesn't matter anyways. Maybe he never cared.

"Yeah, whatever Eren." I stated, my tone as cold as ice and I didn't care.

But my world fell apart.

It all happened so fast I had barley anytime to understand anything that was happening. I was almost like an out of body experience. I watched as he moved to stand up, assumable moving to sleep in the other bed that originally belonged to him and I guess still does. But something was wrong from the second he stood. When he did, he simply stood still for a few agonizingly long seconds. I couldn't tell what he was doing and I had no idea what could be wrong. I was growing confused and worried.

Until he just fell back. I immediately lunged to catch him in my arms, and there he laid, his entire body limp and his eyes closed. He was so light, I had no problem at all pulling his whole body on to the bed and fully into my arms. My brain wasn't fully connecting to what was happening at that moment, and fuck I wish it never did. Because I realized that living in that blissful ignorance and unawareness was far better than the feeling of pure dread that came over me the second I realized what was happening.

The only thought that came to mind was just how much I fucking loved him. I loved him so deeply, and it felt like my heart wasn't beating anymore. I felt dead, and I pretty much was. Eren was dead and so was I, everything was over. I simply sat there, glaring down at his motionless body that lay in my arms, eyes emotionless except for the tears that I had no idea were falling. I was numb for a good minute, not knowing what to do.

But then panic took over me, I moved my fingers to quickly press against his neck to check his pulse, and I should have been relieved when I felt his faint but still real heart beating slowly, but I wasn't convinced. For some reason, in my mind everything felt like it was over. I've dreaded this for so damn long but I could never begin to image how it would feel. But now I knew, and I wish I hadn't. It was a soul crushing emptiness that I could feel deep in my soul, and it felt as if a huge part of me had died, and the only part of me left was a nagging self hating voice telling me to end it all.

His heart was beating and it should have assured me, but it didn't. It was impossible to shake this deep feeling of dread, the feeling that nothing would be the same ever again and I might a well end it right now. In my mind he was gone until I was able to see those beautiful green eyes, that admittedly lost some of their shine, open once more to look at me. Or hear his soft voice assuring me that he was okay, the voice I realize I was taking for granted only minutes ago. And I felt as though there was a huge chance that I would never hear that voice or see those eyes again, that they'd only exist in my memory.

It felt like my heart stopped beating, and the only thing that remained was a heavy pain that throbbed in my chest, making me flinch each time a new wave shocked me. All I could do was cry. It was odd to just let it go like this and cry, because I never let myself do that. But now it felt like it was the only thing I could do. All I could do was sit here with his limp and fragile body cradled in my arms as I sobbed and sobbed until my voice was hoarse. Tears flowed endlessly and each time I breathed, it hurt. I felt so alone and I was scared, I didn't have his company anymore to calm me down and assure me everything was alright.

I didn't have him here to assure me that he was okay, and know I know for a fact that he was plain lying when he said he was okay. To me, and maybe even himself. It was the slightest bit assuring when he lied like that, because at least I knew he was there with me at that moment, living and breathing. But now I couldn't be sure if he was ever coming back. Terrible thoughts rushed through my mind again.

What if he is in a coma now? His heart is beating but he'll never wake up. What if hes half conscious but not able to speak? What if hes dying but he can't say his good byes? I gasped for air as I began sobbing harder, my mind muddled.

"I'm so sorry.. i'm so.. fucking sorry." I tried to speak audibly and loud enough just in case he could hear me, but I knew my voice was strained and broken. "I love you and... 'i'm so so s-sorry. I love you please.. please don't leave me alone." I pushed between sobs that shook my whole body.

I kept watch on every single feature on his face, waiting for just a twitch to indicate that he heard me. Hell, a small part of me was waiting for him to get up and laugh this off, like it was some sick joke and he was fucking with me. But, nothing, not even a twitch. Just very, very shallow breathing.

I clutched him tight to my chest and began sobbing hard once more, my head starting to throb with pain from this extreme stress. Everything hurt and I felt empty, somehow I was in the worst pain possible yet still I felt numb. It didn't feel real, I didn't want it to be real. But it was and there was nothing I could do but cry over him and hold him.

"Please..." My voice was barley a whisper, and it broke off as I sobbed. It resembled almost a pathetic wimpier. It wasn't like me, but what was like me anymore? It felt like there was no me left, I felt like I stopped existing right along with him. "Wake up... please... please wake up... y-you cant leave me... you promised... you promised that you wouldn't le-leave me..." I begged on, but no response came. I broke into a fit of sobs once more, but no sound came with them this time. My voice was far too strained at this point.

A few tears fell down on him as I shifted my head down to look at him, my hair falling to frame the corners of my face, allowing me to only see him. He was so sickly, his cheekbones protruding a bit too much and his eyes seemed sunken in, dark circled and bags resting underneath his closed eyes. His lips were dry and pale, all their color appearing to have simply drained long ago. I choked on a sob and I reached down, grabbing his thin and bony hand to hold gently. And my heart sunk further when I didn't feel him grasping back, his hand remained limp.

I began to get lost in the darkest corners of my mind, seeming that there was nothing left to do anymore. I was taken to places I haven't visited in a long time, or at least I didn't allow myself to get lost in them as of late, but I was slipping and Eren wasn't here to hold me or distract me. I began thinking of mom and dad, and how happy we were for the longest time. Thinking about how I held such a unrealistic hope for myself in this world simply because I had my parents love and support, love and support that I thought was unconditional. My heart felt like it was being torn out over and over with each breath I took.

I remembered the depression I let myself fall into after they cut me off, a depression I had been fighting and winning the fight against for the longest time. But I had no reason to fight it anymore and I fell into the soul crushing emptiness that kept me up at night crying for months. At least until I snapped, and got myself here where I built up the tallest and toughest emotional wall. But the wall didn't exist anymore and it felt like I didn't even exist either.

I thought for a moment that maybe there was a hell and that I was in it, I was paying for what I did to those boys by losing the only person I've loved for years. Maybe it was my fate to fall in love so deeply with him only so I could pay for my sins by having him torn away from me in an instant. But that was ridiculous, this wasn't hell, this was the cold and harsh reality I've lived in my whole life, and this happened because Eren had serious mental problems that I failed to notice until it was too late. And now I would have to live with the fact that my last words to him were fighting words.

Ah yes, the absolute worst part about this that I have failed to recognize till this moment. I sobbed even impossibly harder than before until I could hardly breathe when I realized that his last moments with me were filled with anger and dare I say hate. What if he had died hating me? I knew I wouldn't be able to live without him, but now I couldn't even live with myself. All the different ways I could take my life went coursing through my mind in a rush, there were so many options that it was hard to chose. But once I did chose my fate, maybe Eren and I could live in the afterlife together. No, that's stupid to think. We'll probably just rot in the ground with eternal blackness, assuming this place would even bury our bodies. 

And suddenly rotting in the ground sounded like a great alternative to this unbearable pain I felt. The room felt so empty, just as empty as my chest felt. I raised my hand up, bringing his fragile one up to press against my tear stained cheeks, his fingers were cold and unmoving, and I wanted nothing more but to feel them caressing my cheek, or to hear his voice telling me that it was going to be okay. But it wasn't going to be okay and I couldn't even fool myself anymore. It wasn't going to be okay to begin with and my short lived time of true happiness was over, and I was only left with this empty feeling.

I had no idea how long I just sat there, rocking slightly as I held him in my arms tightly. Fits of sobbing came and went, it depended on if I was in a state of complete mental numbness that also came and went or if I was thinking about the situation over and over again. I barley had a voice left and my eyes were probably blood shot by now, they definitely burned like hell and my face felt stiff from countless dried tear trails. It had to be hours, and I grew more and more mentally and physically tired as each second slowly ticked by. Seconds that were all empty and painful.

My shoulders were shaking uncontrollably by this point and I had taken to quietly weeping, rocking back and forth slowly with him in my arms as I kept my burning eyes closed, thinking about just everything. The world didn't feel real anymore, it was like I wasn't even here. I didn't even exist anymore. But I did exist, if I didn't I wouldn't be able to feel this constant, unbearable pain that tormented my mind and soul with each and every passing second.

However, there came a second that my world began to rebuild from ashes around me and I felt the slightest hope in my torn heart, and that was when my ears picked up on a quiet but real voice, saying my name.

I knew exactly who's voice it was, and I half expected that when I opened my eyes I'd be dead and reunited with Eren, but that was probably just the pain and sleep deprivation thinking for me. But, when I did open my eyes my heart dropped in the best way possible and ached with unsure joy. I felt almost as though my eyes were failing me, or maybe I had fallen asleep or was even hallucinating. But even if that was so, I pulled him tight against my chest as more tears fell.

"Eren..." I rasped first unsurley, gazing down into his eyes that seemed confused but alive, and when I finally felt him move I knew this had to be real. "Oh my god Eren."

I could tell that he was very disoriented, as I would expect and he was still pale and sounded very sick. Nothing had changed, yet I had this overwhelming relief and happiness that he was still here after I had fully convinced myself that he was gone. It almost felt unreal, like my own mind was playing a twisted trick on me and any moment now I would snap back to reality and he'd remain limp in my arms. But this was reality, it had to be. And he was still very ill but alive.

"What happened?" He spoke softly, his voice groggy.

"You don't remember?" I pulled back a bit to look him in the face, savoring the fact that he was alive and talking with that broken but still so beautiful voice. "You fainted..."

My chest ached as I watched anxiety and worry spread visibly across his face, obviously startled by this apparent news. I would give anything to know what he was thinking or how he felt about this situation so I could better formulate my words in ways that wouldn't effect him negatively. I felt as though I needed to tip toe around my words, especially now, and I didn't want to upset or scare him. Well, he kinda needed to be scared because he fucking fainted but still.

"I... fainted?" He seemed almost confused, but over all I could see that he didn't want to accept it and I know I truly seen a look of fear in his eyes for once over this.

"You did..." I confirmed softly, careful to remain sensitive towards the situation. "I was so fucking terrified Eren, I thought you we're gonna leave me. You just fell back but I caught you, and I fucking panicked. And even though I could still feel your heart, I couldn't stop thinking that you weren't going to wake up." Tears slipped down my cheeks as I explained.

" I just kept telling you that I loved you, because I couldn't stand the thought that my last words to you would've been fighting words. I'm so sorry for being an ass before. I don't want you to die Eren. Please don't leave-" My voice grew too strained to continue and it finally broke off, my heart aching once again as I recalled the feelings I felt only minutes ago when I was so sure he had left me.

I held my breath for a second in an attempt to silence my sobs, but my attempt failed miserably and that sort of frustrated me. It was different to cry alone, but I hated crying in front of him. Even though I was comfortable with him in every way, it just made me feel weak and I hated displaying weakness. I would prefer everyone to think that I had no emotions at all besides hate when in reality I was made of weakness.

"Don't apologize to me. I'm sorry that I worried you so much..." His voice began to crack as tears welled in his eyes, which of course only made more fall down my own cheeks because I couldn't stand to see him cry. "I've been selfish and I hurt you but I promise I didn't mean to I just..."

He trailed off, obviously not able to go on anymore with his broken, quivering voice and buried his face in my shoulder. I did not hesitate one bit to hold him as tight as I could without hurting him as he threw his frail arms around my neck, barley any strength behind his grip.

"The only two people I let get close to me left me..." I spoke once I was finally able to compose myself enough to speak, intending to pour out everything I felt before him so he knows fully what hes doing to himself and me. "And since that, I never let anyone get close to me. But I let you in because you were special. If you get ripped away from me and leave me alone I don't know what I'm going to do."

"One of the only things running through my mind when you passed out was what I would do if you never woke up. I just knew that I was going to kill myself because I know for a fact I can't go on here without you..." I began choking on my words, recalling everything becoming so unbearably painful. "I can't do it... I can't live without you with me Eren."

"Don't talk like that." He pulled back and spoke in a horas voice, his beautiful eyes searching mine. I knew the pain that lied in his was also within my own.

"No. Because you know what, I'm telling you the truth. Never in my life have I felt the way I do about you, and knowing that you feel the same about me is what keeps me from finding a way to just fucking slit my wrists. If I don't have you then I don't want to be alive anymore." I spoke only the truth, needing him to know how I feel so that maybe I can finally get trough to him.

Reaching down, I gently wiped a few fallen tears from his cheeks. I felt a pain in my chest as my thumb brushed against his cheekbone that was far too defined and It seemed by the look in his eyes he knew what I was thinking while I let my thumb linger.

"Yeah but for how long?" I half whispered. "How do I know that this is my last night with you? How do I know that your going to even wake up tomorrow? I'm scared Eren I'm so fucking scared." I could feel my emotions slipping and my mind began to cloud with more frantic thoughts about reality and the fact that he very well couldn't wake up tomorrow.

"I'm so sorry Levi." His voice came out in almost a whimper, and I could tell that he truly was sorry.

And it was then that I could see in his eyes that he really didn't mean anything hurtful he has every said to me. There was something so real and true behind that apology. Maybe it was the desperation in his embrace or the remorse in his eyes, that and how genuinely he spoke the words with an underlying pain because he knows what hes done to me. And I could see that he was hating himself for it.

"You can't leave me." I felt the need to say once more, the terror of losing him at any moment in time unrelenting and the thought that he could be gone at any time scared the hell out of me because next time he passes out hes probably not waking up.

He stayed silent for a long while, his tears never seizing as different tells of fear and pain crossed his features. He was thinking about something, and whatever it was scared him. Maybe it was the thoughts of death and how close he came to it, maybe it was the thought of leaving me or how much he knows hes put me through. Maybe hes finally realizing all of this and a change was close. I could only hope with all my heart that he was opening his eyes.

"I don't want to die..." His words nearly caught in his throat as more tears fell. "I really really don't want to die and i'm scared."

My heart shattered as he clutched weakly at my shirt, beginning to sob hard into my shoulder. I wanted to stop crying for his sake, because I felt that he needed the comfort right now and I wasn't providing it because i'm too busy crying, however I couldn't seem to stop it. It was like I opened up a flood gate of emotions that I've been holding in for so long, and to see him so scared and shaken only added to the pain in my chest.

"I..." he began, though having trouble keeping his voice steady and audible. "I want to get better, I really really do. I don't want to leave you."

I was admittedly shocked at what he had said, and was unable to hide the fact that I was. But at the same time I was extremely happy in a way that I was still too hurt to convey, if that makes sense. Happy that he wanted to get better and he was saying so himself but sad because he had said it before only to go back on it the next day. But I would only have to try harder, even though I believe I have been trying as hard as I could lately, I really need to give it my all because I cant lose him.

"I can help you, I know I can. I failed before but I won't this time, I'll never give up on you Eren." I spoke softly, making a conscious attempt to hold my voice steady as I reached out to hold his face in my hand once more, an action that he leaned into.

He brought his own hand up to rest over mine, his fingers curling around mine shakily as he stared with glassy eyes up into my own. I couldn't help the tear that slid down my face moments later, still in so much pain and shock from all of tonight events. My emotions were tattered and worn down and my mind was so tired as was my body. I was just so over everything, but the fact that he was still alive kept my heart beating.

"Please don't cry anymore." he whispered weakly.

I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breathe in an attempt to gather what was left of my composure, I had cried and cried until my eyes were burning and red yet I still couldn't stop the tears, Even though I've been crying for hours straight. I gently slid my fingers across his jawline and back to run through his hair and rest at the back of his neck.

"I'm broken, and you're the only one that's keeping me sane." I was so tired and worn that I barley thought about my words before I said them, but I was only saying the things that lied in the depths of my mind and I kept pushed back in the darkest corners for the longest time.

"How can I help fix you?" He questioned softly, I sighed.

"Just don't die." I said. "I'll be okay as long as you don't leave me alone."

"I won't." He replied quickly, and I didn't know if I should believe him or not. But there was something in the look in his eyes that showed that for the first time, he meant it. And I could only take his word for it.

Without giving the action much thought, the next moment I leaned down and pressed my lips softly against his. I felt like I needed to, I wanted to. I thought not too long ago that I would never be able to kiss him again, and i'll be damned if I don't do it while I can. And I finally felt that feeling in my chest, a feeling I loathed for the longest time in the beginning but came to love, and as of late; miss. It was the feeling that I felt whenever I saw him flash a smile or when he held me close at night, or when we kissed so innocently yet passionately like nothing else existed but each other.

It was the feeling I found myself living for and slowly bringing me back to life, undoing the endless damage little by little and even for a moment, making the trauma feel not so endless.

I savored the short kiss while it lasted, at least until I had to pull away for the air we both needed and also to shift into a more comfortable position. I gently laid his body down on the spot next to me as I too moved to lay on my side, facing him. I noticed that he stiffened slightly, but showed no other sign of discomfort. I figured that maybe he had gotten dizzy from movement so I seized any further action other than grabbing his hands in mine and intertwining our fingers between us.

"Are you okay?" I still felt compelled to ask, and was glad to find that my voice had returned to normal. He nodded, and I let go of he subject because I knew that was probably all I would get.

I closed my eyes for a few long moments, enjoying the silence that fell between us. It was a relaxing silence, not tense or angry, but peaceful. I found my eyes not wanting to open, for once I was actually so tired and able to sleep, if only just a little. I suppose it had been a long, stressful night. It would be odd if I wasn't tired as hell.

"I love you so much." I made sure to say before sleep began gripping at me too much to comprehend words, and I could feel him squeeze my hands gently in the most assuring way that almost made me crack the smallest of smiles, maybe it did. I was too tired to know for sure.

"I love you too, I promise I'll be here when you wake up." His voice was so soothing and so soft, like a lullaby. And like so, I let it lull me to sleep. 

I allow his soft words to ring in my head, basking in the assurance that he was still here and would be when I woke up in the morning. I took his word for it, I trusted him. And all I could hold was hope that his words would be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading. All the positivety I get out of you guys in the comments really helps me through this really rough time in my life. I'm so grateful for this small following I have and its so great to know even a few people are interested in this fic. You guys are the coolest I swear. Thank you so so much for reading, and until the next update~


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so before anyone kills me for this massive time gap between uploads, I swear I can explain again. So my lovely over weight dog jumped off my bed and onto my laptop that was on the floor and broke the screen. She busted it from the fucking inside. My luck right? And money is really tight right now so it took almost two months to save up enough to fix it, I think it was like $225 for a new screen and a little more to get it put in professionally. I just got it back like a month ago. Then of course just life stress has been holding me back, my grandma had a heart attack and was hospitalized recently, I lost another serious girlfriend that I planned to have help me come out to my mom a few weeks ago, I had a relapse with my ed, just a shitstorm y'know. But this time i'm serious, I'm going to try to update regularly. I'm so so sorry for that wait guys, and if your still here, I love you with all my heart. Thank you guys so much for all your lovely comments and support, I appreciate you guys so much. Oh and real quick, i'm not sure if I changed this in my last A/N but my Instagram is now Miss_Morbid_ and I would really really appreciate it if you would go and follow me there, I post my sfx makeups and cosplays there and my adventures in dying my hair pink again! But anyways I'll let you guys get to the story.  
> Enjoy!~

I felt terrible waking up. I was groggy, my head was still throbbing and my stomach ached with sheer hunger. Mentally, I felt like shit as well. I immediately remembered last night the moment that I woke up, of course some parts prior to me waking up after fainting were blurry and I could really only remember little key things like some things I said during the argument and also the things he said. And it stung remembering how I had hurt him so badly, but this time he lashed out at me as well.

Given it was excusable and justified and I didn't blame him at all because I know damn well that I am a utter sack of shit most of the time and really I needed to get put in my place, but it still hurt of course. I was actually surprised he had held out for this long, he should have snapped long ago and on top of that he didn't even lash out to the full extent that I knew he wanted to, and that showed tremendous self control. A control over temperament that I lacked and that was sad.

After being conscious for just a minute or two, that one bad word began sinking into my mind and occupying the back of my mind until it eventually pushed its was to the front. It sounded so awful and I wanted to just die thinking about it but it was a inevitable thing that I cant avoid anymore. Recovery. I didn't want to do it, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to be healthy. If only to get rid of the hair loss and pain everywhere, the coldness and the general hunger that I have gotten use to but most of all to be normal with Levi again. If you could call it normal.

It made me feel sick thinking about it and how impossible it seemed, and of course that voice was there telling me that it was absolutely and definitely impossible and I would never achieve it, and that I was still too fat to stop now. But somewhere in myself I knew that I was unhealthy. I knew that I sure as hell felt unhealthy and I knew it probably wasn't okay to be able to see and feel my ribs clearly through my skin. I was beginning to acknowledge that I was to a degree underweight but I could never shake the voice telling me that I was the exact opposite.

And the voice was so strong at this point, it controlled me and fueled my desire to be accepted by starving. I didn't know how I was possibly ever going to drown it out enough to eat without feeling the worst guilt I've ever felt, but maybe it was just something I would have to deal with forever. Maybe it was just something I would have to fight daily and I didn't want that nor did I think I could do it. I felt immediately stressed out and my head began to throb harder than it already constantly was.

I had no choice but to try to pull my mind away from those thoughts because it was becoming too stressful, I just had to manage to push them aside until breakfast, whenever that is, and focus on something else. Focusing on Levi was the first idea that popped into my head, and it was then I realized that he was still nestled in my arms, sleeping the same as he was when I myself fell asleep. I suppose he had slept like a rock since his mind was worn to its thinnest. I instantly noticed that he was still soundly asleep, expression as peaceful as its ever been as he breathed slow an steady breaths.

It was unusual for him to still be asleep when I was wide awake, but I definitely wasn't complaining. He needed this, a lot. He never did get good rest and I was glad to see him sleeping so peacefully. I loved to admire his sleeping face when I could, the sight always setting a nice feeling in the pit of my stomach as apposed to the pain or anxiety I normally felt there. It was a magnificent moment of serenity that I never got the chance to bask in as the room was nothing but silence and Levis steady breathing. I re tightened my hold on his torso that had fallen loose through the nights sleep, able to feel his slow, steady breathing rising and falling softly underneath my arms.

Moments like these are the only times that I find my mind and the voice that resides there calming down or even coming to a complete halt, leaving me a peaceful mindset that only lasted for mere minutes or often shorter. But it was great while it lasted so I was never quick to voluntarily let my mind start going again. I closed my eyes, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep but wanting to try to relax to the best of my ability. I tried to stop feeling the hunger pain and headache by focusing on how it felt to hold him and listening closely to the sound of his breathing, and it worked for just a few heavenly moments until I heard the door fly open.

On instinct I immediately tore my arms from around him and jolted up upon the loud entry by Hanji of course, grabbing my head the moment I sat up and knowing the fast moment was the worst mistake instantly. I couldn't focus on what she was saying because it felt muffled and my mind was spinning, I felt like falling over even though I was sitting. All I could think was 'oh god i'm going to faint again and probably die' as I sat and waited for everything to fade to black, however luckily maybe a minute passed and the room began to still and I felt even again.

Hanji was already gone, probably skipping out without a care long ago while I was anything but coherent to the world around me. I breathed a sigh of relief, being able to actually feel my heart beating in my chest a bit too hard as an anxiety stirred in my stomach. I had actually become scared for a bit there, believing that I was going to black out again but actually die this time. I could faintly feel my arm throbbing with irritation, remembering in the back of my mind what had taken place last night. It probably should have hurt much worse than I had recognized but I was too busy appreciating that I didn't die moments ago since I was still startled from last nights close experience.

I glanced over, then realizing that Levi was now too awake, that once peaceful expression long gone without a trace and replaced with a scowl that he aimed at the door where Hanji had exited. He looked more well rested as he lacked those defined dark bags under his eyes, but still unbelievably threatening with that look. But it dropped instantly once he had fixed his eyes on me, and it was almost amazing how his expression went from death to one of care. 

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked, scooting forward a bit to sit next to me and drape his arms around my shoulders. I leaned into the tired embrace.

"Not really." I answered with honesty for once. "But i'll be okay."

He took a long pause, the air hanging in silence between us in a way that sort of sent dread through out my veins. I could tell he was contemplating something quietly, and all I could do was wait for him to speak because I didn't want to cut off whatever it was he wanted to say. I was done dragging down our relationship and as hard as it may be I was going to hold my tongue no matter what. I really did have a major realization last night, about how quickly things can be gone and what damage I would leave behind. I realize death is a scary, but big outcome at this point and I needed to make a change somehow to prevent it. And that means talking.

And it was then he took a deep breath and spoke.

"Will you try?" He provided no context behind his words, and he didn't need to because I understood fully what he was asking.

Now it was my turn to go silent, and I could feel Levi tense up as though he was expecting me to get angry. In fact I know that's what he was waiting for, but the odd thing was I didn't feel anger towards his question because I did accept that I had a problem and I knew where he was coming from now. But now instead of anger I felt sheer dread. I was scared of recovery, I wanted it deep down but I was scared of the effort that I knew I couldn't make because I would only end up failing. But I was also scared of death, so I was fucked either way.

"Will you help me?" I countered him with a question of my own, my voice coming out sort of weak in a way I didn't intend.

My chest tightened as I basically agreed to make an attempt to recover and thoughts of how I wasn't ready filled my head, all I could think was how impossible it was and the voice was screaming at me now. It was telling me how disgusting I will be if I even try, and how guilty I will feel if I do eat. I'm going to fuck it all up. And I was scared of ruining everything but somewhere I knew that all I've done is ruin rather than perfect myself, and honestly I was growing more scared of death than my image. I couldn't wait any longer because I was at the end of this road and I could only hope to turn back.

I could see hope materialize on Levis expression after he had processed what I was saying, and he slightest of smiles upturned his lips. Thought, I only saw it for a moment before he had wrapped his other arm around me to pull me into a full embrace. I turned my body slightly to accommodate the hug and wrapped my own arms around him, enjoying the warmth that spread through my chest as he held me tighter.

"Of course I'll help you, that's all I've wanted to do." He spoke softly, audible in his voice the growing hope that I saw on his face. It had been there times before, though falsely. And I intended to make it real this time.

Seconds of content passed quickly and it wasn't long at all later that it was time to return to reality, time to leave the comforting warmth of each others arms and confront the demons that are bound to come with our everyday lives. All I could hope for was today would come without fighting for once, because I couldn't do it anymore. Especially since last night, I couldn't fight with him anymore or at least I didn't want to. But maybe I can find that self control today that I've been missing for the longest time.

I felt empty as his arms left from my body and I was left alone on the bed, though I look up to find him standing before me, offering his hand to help me up. For a moment I was sure it was unnecessary, but the moment I took his hand and was eased to my feet, I realized it was fully necessary. My vision went black again and I found that dread inside me once again that I was about to die this time, that was until everything came back to me. The room was blurry and spinning for quite a few long seconds, or maybe it was minutes. I couldn't much tell. But it was long enough to find a concerned expression on Levis face once my vision did focus.

I could tell what he was silently asking as he squeezed my hand slightly and looked into my eyes, a question that didn't need to be spoken. 

"I'm fine." I said, finding more balance to stand on my own. I wasn't really fine, but it wouldn't do good to say so. I'm sure he knew I wasn't.

And after a few long moments of concern, he hesitantly let go of my hands slowly so that I may stand on my own. I felt so, so weak. My knees shaking uncontrollably with a tiredness set deep in my bones, it had always been there but for some reason it was so much more prominent today. My head was pounding in a way that would probably be unbearable for the average person, but I had learned to live with this near constant headache for the most part. However today I kinda just wanted to grab my head and cry like a child. I wanted to lay down in bed and curl into a ball, wishing for all this to just go away. I knew that I had the power to stop this all, but if I had the strength to actually go through with it was the question I did not know the answer to.

I realized that Levi Had still been standing in front of me, watching my every move and waiting for another conformation that I was okay. He was almost too cautious, he seemed to be worrying way too much about every little thing, though I suppose what was happening to me wasn't just a 'little' thing anymore. But it never really was. It was a big thing from the start and even though because of that he had every right to worry, I found myself wishing he didn't because I still somewhat believed that this was something I could handle on my own. But deep down I knew that I would never be strong enough to deal with this all by myself.

"I'm alright." I spoke quietly, though I didn't mean to. It just kind of came out that way. And even though I assured him, he still lingered with an unsure sort of expression. "I promise, I'm alright."

I knew that I shouldn't be promising things that I was unsure of myself, because I really didn't know if I was alright. I didn't know if it was already too late by now and I already fucked myself up beyond fixing, I didn't know if it was just a matter of time now and I didn't know if i'd even be here tomorrow. But what I did know was that in this moment that I looked into his concerned and a little bit scared eyes, I felt a rush of determination. It was so unfamiliar yet I knew the feeling. I could very vaguely remember this determination from what felt like years ago when in reality it was barley one single year. I felt it when Mikasa and Armin finally made me realize that I wasn't okay and that I needed to recover from self-harm.

I remember that just like now, I was so scared. I didn't think I could do it, it was a goal that seemed so far off that it was impossible. But with the two people I loved most by my side, constantly reassuring me that they would be there every step of the way, I was able to keep that determined flame ignited within me until I finally did find myself not needing to hurt myself. It was a scary and difficult road but I made it. But then life happened, and here I am today with gaping wounds on my arm that stuck to the fabric of my shirt and quite literally dying of starvation. I cant help but wonder what they would think of who I've become.

But in a different light, this was all too familiar. I may not have my sister or best friend with me to walk me out of the consuming darkness that I've been lost in for so long, but now I had my boyfriend who I loved just as much as I loved them. He was my lover and my best friend, and hopefully my savior now because I need him more than ever. I felt as though I had just had a small break through, I realized that its very possible even though it doesn't seem like it, and I needed to fight my hardest for him and myself.

But where would this motivation be when it comes time to take action? Probably long disappeared into nothingness.

"I can't stand to see you like this." He finally spoke, his voice portraying exactly how much he was upset by my state.

"I cant stand being like this." I replied with a sort of half smile even though nothing about this situation was happy. I guess it was a subconscious effort to comfort and assure him, to put his mind at rest a little.

"Are you sure you can walk on your own?" He asked, unsure and seemingly cautious with his words for some reason. I think I knew why and I was ashamed.

"I can, i'll be okay Levi, don't worry yourself." I gave one more attempt at a smile but failed miserably, finding the ache in my chest too strong to ignore and feign happiness. I wasn't even sure if the pain was emotional or physical, I just knew it was real. "But we really have to hurry if we don't want to be late." 

I stepped past his concerned gaze, finding a dizziness and darkened vision with every step I took towards my dresser. It seemed like forever before I finally reached it, and once I did I had to just support myself and take a breather. I felt so light headed, a lot worse than normal and it was scary. I knew I was dying and at the moment I was helpless, I kept wondering which time my vision fades will be my last. But I still had the urge to fight in me, for the moment at least. I felt Levis hand lay ever so gently on my shoulder from behind, I took a moment to savor the soft caress before gazing back and giving a nod of assurance that I was okay.

Though it was when he went to go about his business that I reached to open my drawer, and immediately knew it wasn't happening. I was far too weak to sift through the clothes, let alone dress myself, I couldn't do it. So I decided that I was keeping the clothes I slept in on. Looks like I had to deal with my black, bloody hoodie and sweat pants all day. It didn't sound too bad, definitely more appealing than the thought of making myself keel over just trying to get dressed into different clothing.

So instead of pushing myself, I simply took the time to rest and focus on steadying my vision. That wasn't working too well, as my sight stayed unsteady and slightly blurry but at least it wasn't blacking out anymore. My bones cried for relief, I wanted nothing more but to fall back and close my eyes, just go to sleep and rest. But I couldn't do that, I had to stay moving and fight the darkness that is ready to consume me at what feels like any moment.

So this was what its like to tiptoe on the edge of death?

"Is something wrong?" I registered Levis voice.

Everything.

"No, I just... cant get dressed this morning. I cant do it." I shook my head lightly and gazed over at him, finding that he had already been fully dressed. I must have spent longer resting than I had thought. "Lets just go."

I slowly pushed myself off of the dresser that acted as my support and stood for a moment, trying to find my balance. Though I soon found myself tipping forward as my vision blackened slowly. I reached out desperately, grabbing at anything I could find for support. Luckily, my face met with Levis chest and my arms clung around his shoulders. My breathing became uneven, my vision was pulsating black and I was fucking terrified. I could only think that this was the end, and I was finally going to fade into eternal darkness.

That was until my vision steadied once more and I found myself capable of breathing semi normally. I slowly looked up, my eyes landing upon Levis mortified face. His deep stormy eyes a mixture of fear and confusion, his mouth hung slightly open in sheer shock. His arms held me tightly, but not so tight that it hurt. It was comforting, and I found myself thinking that if I were to die, I would be content feeling his arms around me like this. But I wasn't dying yet.

"I'm okay..." I tried to vocalize yet my voice cut out, too weak to carry on.

I wasn't sure how i'd make it through the day. My head felt like it was splitting and my stomach was turning in every possible direction.

"Please don't die Eren." Levi spoke helplessly in a tone just as broken as mine.

And at that moment, I felt so selfish. By letting myself get consumed into this deadly illness, I have brought down Levi with me. And he was emotionally broken in every way I was, if not more. He didn't deserve this, after hes gone through so much trauma already. He finally let his walls down for me and what did I do? I broke him. I felt awful.

"I'm not going anywhere." I was unsure of my own words but it was the best I could say now, though I had a feeling he believed my words just as much as I did.

I reluctantly left his arms and stood on my own. My knees felt unsteady and shaky but I would push on, at least to the dining room where I could get food into my system and get a little more of my strength back, just enough to walk correctly. But the thought of actually eating as much as I am required to at this point put me on the brink of a panic attack.

Levi held the door open for me, watching my every move with careful eyes to make sure I wasn't about to fall again. I walked slowly, but I was still walking at least. And on my own too. Go me. I knew Levi couldn't help me down the hall, he could only remain by my side helplessly as I struggled to maintain my balance. It sucked for both of us. From where I stood, the hall seemed to be a mile long and it took forever to make it half way down. It felt like a million years before we finally reached the end, where thankfully the guards still stood guard at the doors, at least we weren't late.

The cool air of the dining room immediately hit me as we stepped inside, and it was then that I remembered through all the distractions this morning, I had forgotten my blanket. I was already freezing and its been less than a minute, I had a feeling today was going to be a really bad day. Of course, when are my days good? I wrapped my arms around each other in a vain attempt to fight off the cold, but the cold was in my bones and there was no escape.

"I forgot my blanket." I spoke out once I realized Levi was gazing up at me with concern, his eyes occasionally shifting to my trembling upper body.

"We can go b-" He began, though trailing off as we both heard the loud click of the doors once held by staff behind us shutting. He rolled his eyes as he set his gaze forward once more and began walking with me once more. "Never mind then." He spoke with a hint of irritation.

Meanwhile My stomach churned as anxiety twisted my guts and filled every crevice of my being with nausea. It felt like I could throw my heart up at this point, and all I could do was internally panic while we made our way closer and closer to the food that will only flaw me. No, I had to remind myself, it was going to sustain my life. However it was then I realized it was so much easier said than done, because now that I stood before the fear I was so determined to defeat moments ago, I only wanted to get as far away from it as possible.

I rested my hands on the metal counter that served as a bar for all the wretched food and allowed all my weight to rest on it instead of my weak legs. I shut my eyes, attempting to stop seeing the food before me. Though, it didn't help my anxiety in the least. I felt like crying as every negative emotion was hitting me at once. My shoulders were now shaking from both the cold and the fear of making myself any more imperfect than I already was. I wanted to run away and hide, I wanted to just go back to sleep under the safety of my covers and ignore my problems, but most of all I just wanted to be normal again. Just like I was for that surreal one month before I came here. Why was I so fucked up?

It sounded so stupid, I was nearly having a full on panic attack over eating breakfast food. But it seemed like the realest and scariest thing to me. I felt like an idiot for almost crying over this but I just couldn't stop myself from freaking out like I knew I would.

Then I felt a hand, a warm and reassuring hand resting so softly of my trembling shoulders that calmed the storm of anxiety within me in the slightest but yet noticeable way. I realized just how hard I've been clenching my eyes shut to prevent myself from both seeing the food and letting any tears fall, and once I finally did open them that small notch of anxiety that was taken away by Levis touch was immediately back and worse than before.

I looked over at him with a pleading look, but I don't know what I was even trying to accomplish. There was simply no way that he was letting me slip away from eating any longer, and I refused to use my only other defense mechanism, which was blowing up on him. I wouldn't, no I couldn't do that anymore. Because in the end, it has only torn our relationship down. And it was all my fault. The only way to make everything okay was to make a real attempt to recover, because Levi has been putting all the useless effort in up until now.

"I already got yours." He spoke in a soft and cautious voice, the look in his eyes both unsure and pitiful. Pity for how pathetic I was acting.

I could catch a glimpse of two bowls sitting on the bar in front of him, and I refused to full on look at it because I knew I would only make my anxiety worse. closing my eyes once more, I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down even a little. It felt odd, trying to calm myself down and fight the voice in my head. Its something I've really never tried because I assumed it was impossible. And it was very hard, but eventually I managed to get myself to a point where I could focus more on my breathing rather than the knots in my stomach.

Levi was patiently waiting before me when I opened my eyes, seeming to understand that I needed a moment to regroup. I exhaled my last deep breath, and for just a moment I was able to think clearly. I was reminded how scary the thought of death was and just how much I really didn't want that anymore, or rather never truly did.

"I'm okay, lets just... Just get this done and over with." I said with one more trembling exhale. 

The anxiety was knotting in my stomach once again and back came the nauseous feeling I couldn't seem to just shake off as Levi gave a slight nod and walked at my slow pace along side me to the isolated table that we made the habit of sitting at daily. Unfortunately, it was only a few mere steps from where we first stood and I hadn't much time to ready myself before I was sitting down in my chair as Levi took a seat across for me, slowly pushing a bowl in front of me. Which now that I am looking at it, it was only half full. However it was still much more than I would normally get and even then I didn't eat nearly all of it. I started shaking in the hands once again, swallowing thickly as I glare down at the bowl of cheap, tasteless cereal before me.

"You don't have to eat everything, just most of it." Levis voice brought my attention up from the table.

He was watching me with patient eyes, something about him demeanor was almost reassuring but it only took one moment of listening to the voice in my head to convince me otherwise. I didn't want to listen to it, but it was so fucking loud. 

'You don't deserve to eat, your still not thin enough. You're disgusting as it is and if you break now Levi will never find you attractive. You wont ever be good enough.'

My deep breathing caught in my throat and developed into quick, ragged breaths. All reassurance melted away at that moment, I was listening to the voice again, and the more I listened the louder it got. I snapped my gaze down to the table, careful to avoid looking at the bowl, I took to staring down a empty space between Levi and I. Tears began filling my eyes and my hands twitched every now and again from the severe shaking that I couldn't control. I brought one hand up to cover the lower half of my face and choked back a sob.

"Fight it Eren.." Levi spoke out softly, seeming to somehow know exactly what was going on inside my head at that very moment, somehow understanding. "You cant let your illness win, you don't have to let it control you. You want to stay alive and be here with me right? I promise everything will be okay as long as you just fight it."

That was exactly what it took to cause a confliction in my head, the voice got a bit quieter as I replayed and thoroughly thought about his words. I did want to live and be with him forever, I didn't want to leave him behind. But it was so damn hard to just make the voice fucking go away. It was the only thing stopping me, because it served as a near constant reminder of how disgusting I am. But I was unhealthy, even narrowly escaping the grip of death right now at this very moment. I needed to eat to stay alive, there wasn't an option anymore.

I wanted to say something but I knew that my voice would crack if I even tried, so I just didn't. Instead I shifted my gaze to the bowl in front of me and slowly dropped my shaky hand from my face to rest in my lap, my other hand slowly reaching towards the plastic spoon that rested against the side of the bowl. I was actively trying to block all thoughts from my mind, but that was failing miserably as all I could think of and hear was the voice screaming for me to stop. I didn't want to listen, I wouldn't listen. I wouldn't let it control me.

My eyes stung with the threat of tears as I raised a spoon full up to my lips, hesitating to open my mouth but after a short struggle I willed myself to pry it open. My taste buds almost burned as the flavor of cheap cereal made contact with them, accompanied by the near immediate urge to wretch as I began chewing slowly. I clenched my eyes shut, trying to will time to go by faster but it wouldn't budge. But after what seemed like a million minutes I was finally able to force myself to swallow, and once I did I felt an overwhelming rush of both pride and shame. I was proud that I didn't let my demons win that round but ashamed that I was willingly increasing my imperfection.

It was a confusing wave of emotion, and eating was so easy yet so hard. I felt too ashamed of myself to look up at Levi, so instead I just shoveled another spoon of food into my mouth. I tried to think of it as gross medicine, just get it down fast so it can be over. I almost gagged trying to swallow this time, it was like my body was already rejecting it because it was use to my purging it anyways. My stomach began to cramp, assumabley not use to this much food at once since I would normally take tiny nibbled over the course of time in here. I was trying to just block out all bad thoughts and attempting to drown out the voice. It was in fact getting quieter.

I was simply telling myself over and over that I had to do it, I had to do it, I had to do it; and trying to think it loud enough that I could no longer hear the voice telling me how badly i'm fucking up right now.

Another bite, then another, then another, then I had lost count. I didn't give myself time to taste it or barley even think. I was just eating as fast as I possibly could while I had the chance to do so without that fucking voice tearing me down. I had to just do it while I had the determination left. I kept going until the urge to wretch was too powerful, which at that point I shoved the bowl away and held my face in my hands, refusing to look at just how much I had eaten. The wall I temporarily built up in my mind instantly deteriorated, and I could hear the voice again. Yet, it was notably more quiet and less violent.

"I'm really proud of you, Eren." Levis words were soft and caring, not too excited but not too dreary.

"I hate myself." Was my immediate response that just kinda came out without my brains approval, but it was very very accurate at the moment.

I really fucking hate myself.

"Look at me." He spoke again, though not demanding. Rather with such kindness that no one would ever think possible from him, so I did. Though reluctantly. "I love you." He said the words quietly with caution but I could hear them loud and clear, and they made my heart do a little flip.

"I'm not sure how." I sad sort of bitterly as i cast my gaze back down, accidentally catching sight of my bowl and seeing that it was pretty much empty. 

And there was that sinking feeling of regret and nausea again.

"Because your the best thing that ever happened to me and I know you know that." He said. "I really am proud of you, I know you aren't now but you will be. This will all turn out okay."

I glanced back up at him, for once I was truly hearing what he was saying and not having the usual immediate response of anger. I knew he was right when he said I would be proud if I ever come out of this alive and I could only hope things will be okay in the end like he says, because its not looking so great from here. I was sort of conflicted with if I should feel happy because of his kind words or sad because I am a failure at everything. So I felt both, but of course sadness was far more prominent.

"I love you too." I finally responded, even though that was not what he said last. I just felt the need to say it because you never know what moment is your last.

There was a small hint of hope in his steel blue eyes, I've seen it there before and I could only wish that this time his hope isn't misplaced. I don't want to let him down again, because it would seem that's all I do. But I swear I could almost see the smallest of smiles grazing his lips. Did he really think everything would be okay? I sort of envied his outlook if that was the case, because all I could see was darkness and struggle. I wasn't ready at all for what the future may hold but I had no more time to wait. My clock was ticking fast and I had to do something if I wanted to stay by Levis side if only a little longer before meeting my end.

And I did. I really, truly did.

The sound of metal doors being pushed open hard pulled out gaze off of each other ad directed it towards the dining rooms double doors where two guards now stood, as one called out the end of breakfast. I was relieved to get away from all this food but reluctant to start the day. I just wanted to lay in bed. But at least with Levi, this hell was a little more bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay firstly I apologize if half way through the spelling or grammar starts to suck, its 2am and I have a massive headache and stomach ache (I have had an almost constant headache my entire life and I have been in and out of the hospital for that and stomach problems recently) and my mind kinda checked out half way through. I'm full of excuses right? But if you spot a big mistake please tell me and i'll fix it when I don't feel like death. Also sorry for how short this is, I kinda needed to shorten it so I could make the next chapter longer and also I really wanted to update soon. But other than all the probable grammar mistakes I made and the shortness, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I swear I will try to update much faster! And as usual if you enjoyed this please leave a comment, comments really make my day brighter and encourage me to keep this fic going. Thank you so much for reading, and of course stay awesome. Until the next update~


	23. Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Delete Later)

Guys. Holy shit. Okay first of all, for probably the millionth time, I am SO sorry for not updating!! And I am so sorry that this isn't an actual update, this will just be an explanation as to why I haven't updated. I know, I have so many excuses, I always have one. Let me start off my saying I know i'm a huge piece of shit. I know I suck at updating, and I know i'm probably losing readers from my inactivity. So of course I've been dealing with a ton of personal shit. Mental heath related and social life related. I recently lost my best friend in the world and my girlfriend on the same exact day. Long story short My best friend was being absolutely horrible to me and my now ex girlfriend told me she wanted a break because she thought we jumped into shit too fast, this was all too much for me so like a fucking dumb ass, I attempted suicide. I slit my wrist and had to go to the hospital. Turns out I didn't need stitches so it was pointless but now i'm in deep shit with my therapists. I understand now how fucking dumb that was, because turns out I am much better off without my ex and my "best friend". I thought I couldn't live without them but would you look at that, I'm still alive. I ended up being the one to end the friendship because I don't fucking deserve that, and i'm a immature cunt so I just blocked my ex on everything without even replying to her breakup message. She wanted to be friends, like nah son fuck you and your friendship and your unsure sexuality AND your commitment issues. I learned that I need to stay away from girls for a while because I'm just a teen and i'm looking for serious commitment, and let me tell you, as a lesbian teen that is hard to come by. Everyone is a slut. Like if your a slut cool do you but don't get into a relationship if yk your a slut. Anyway, I moved on and everything fine. I decide its time to take back my life and I go to write the next chapter to this fic because I got into a inspired mood. Keep in mind this was about a month ago. So I had already had 4000 words written, I open the document and its all gone. What the fuck. I panic. I restarted my laptop and re opened the document, still gone. I don't know how, but I guess the world just hates me a lot. I got so upset that I gave up on this fic. There's always something to prevent my from writing, even though I love to do it. I love this story and there's still so much left to tell. I have everything planned out and I know where i'm going with it. But I just couldn't seem to ever write. However flash forward to today, I was reading through all of you guys' comments and I realized how much joy writing this brings me and others. I realized that this story has moved people, made them laugh and cry. While I don't like to accept that there's people that follow my shitty little fic, I realize that there are people that like it and want me to continue. And I just feel like a massive piece of shit right now. I'm so sorry for leaving you guys hanging for this long. What is it, almost 4 months now? That's bull shit on my end. I am a horrible person but I swear I want to do better. I really love you guys and I truly appreciate every comment I get. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart. I hope you guys are still out there, I don't blame you if you stopped keeping up with this fic. I'm sorry for this fucking essay about my life, but the point is I am continuing this, and I will try to get the next part up as soon as I can; and I promise now that I will try to update frequently. Thank you guys for staying with me. Also incoming shameless plug, if you ever wondered what my face looks like or wonder what I do in my spare time, check out my instagram miss_morbid_ I post there very often. I'm trying to grow my following there too so I'd love it if you could maybe follow me. And if I start slacking with this fic again you can go bug me in the comments on there and tell me to get my shit together. Okay I think i'm done here. Again, I love you guys so much and I appreciate anyone who has made it this far with me. I promise I will update soon. Thank you guys XoXo


	24. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really really short, and i'm really sorry for that but I just needed to post what I have so far. Guys i'm so sorry for neglecting this fic. I need to finish it and I will finish it, I promise. I've just been lacking motivation. I have a lot if interesting stuff planned for this so I will finish it. If you're still reading this fic, please leave a comment and tell me so, it will really help give me conformation that people still care about it. Again i'm so sorry for how short this is, and the next chapter will be longer but still sorta short. I will try to get it up faster. I know I say that every time, but I am trying. I hope you guys enjoy this tiny tiny chapter and I hope you haven't given up on me. Love you guys!  
> Enjoy~

The hallway seemed 10 miles long as Levi and I walked down it, making our way slowly to the rec room to have our free time, which would inevitably be spent sitting down, before eating dinner and going to bed. And honestly, the dinner part made me want to slam my face into the wall. We were walking behind everyone else, we preferred to be the last ones out so there was no pressure to walk fast and nobody would be shoving us to get through. Now that I was moving again, I was beginning to feel even more cold and I was fully regretting forgetting my stupid blanket. I was involuntarily shivering, and there was nothing I could do about it. I crossed my arms and pressed them against my chest in a futile attempt to spread a little body heat, but the only problem was that I didn't really have any body heat to spread.

It felt like forever before we were finally at the end of the hall and walked through the doors that were being held open to the rec room. I wanted to hurry up and sit down so maybe I could warm up just a little, because I was fucking freezing. With my normal constant coldness aside, the AC in this place was pretty much constantly on for some reason and with that on top of me forgetting my blanket, I was having a really bad time. I wanted to walk faster when our regular couch came into vision, but I was well aware that i'd just end up falling on my face. Walking alone took up enough energy, if you could even call this slow paced drag walking. I really have props to Levi for maintaining a slow pace with me instead of walking ahead.

It felt like heaven when I was finally able to sit, and even though all my blood rushed to my head and my vision went dark for a moment when I slopped myself down, it was still a huge relief. I sighed a long breath as I pulled my legs up on the couch to sit crisscross, my lack of energy causing a bit of a struggle but I managed. I was hoping if I sat like this that i'd warm up a little, and while sitting down helped just the slightest bit, I still didn't have any body heat to spread. When I felt the couch sink down next to me it was hard to fight the immediately urge to snuggle up to Levi and steal some of his body heat, but I couldn't do that just yet. I glanced back at the door we had come in from to see if the guards had left yet, and they hadn't. There were two left standing at the doorway chatting, and I mentally cursed them out for standing around when they are not needed.

I watched the door for the next minute or so, and during that time Levi stayed unmoving. He probably knew what I was waiting for and he was also probably waiting for the guards to get lost too. The second I spotted them walking out I threw my harms around Levis torso and cuddled up to him, basking in how warm his body felt against mine. He felt so alive and I probably just felt like a corpse, and really I wasn't far from being one. Levi Instantly wrapped his arms around me and rested his cheek atop my head. It felt so good to be held, it almost helped me forget the sinking guilt that was settled in the pit of my stomach.

"You're really warm." I said as I nuzzled my face against his shoulder.

"You're really cold." His tone held the slightest amount of concern, I recognized it but I wasn't addressing it. It didn't really need to be addressed.

"I feel like shit." I spoke once more, simply saying exactly what was at the front of my mind.

I really did feel like absolute and utter shit. I hated myself so much right now and I knew that this had to be the lowest I could get. It was so hard to believe that just one day without eating lead me to developing this deadly illness that was controlling my life. I wanted to cry for hours, but I had done enough crying. It only made me feel weaker and if I was going to get through this, I had to be strong. But I knew that wouldn't work out, I would just end up crying eventually. So probably tonight.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Levi inquired with a bit of underlying caution, probably fearing me getting upset.

This is a question that would have made me fly off the handle last week, but not today. I was over denying my problem and repressing recovery, and I was done taking everything out on Levi. Now the question that once filled me with anger just filled me with sadness. And the thing is, I was at a point where I kinda did want to talk about it. I'm not sure what there was to talk about, well really there was everything to talk about but it was just hard pinpointing a place to start. 

"I kinda do." I said with a slight sigh, and I let my arms fall from around his torso, finding it too hard to keep them up there. Instead I let them rest in my own lap, though keeping my head laying on his shoulder as he shifted so he kept one arm around my shoulder. "But where do I even start?"

I suddenly did really want to talk about things, that voice inside my head was getting too loud and I figured it would be nice to at least try to take some of that weight off of my mind in an attempt to quiet that voice down a little. I trusted Levi more than anyone, in fact he was pretty much the only person I had to rely on. And I wanted to restore a bit of the trust I had probably broken in the past few months with my shitty emotional abuse towards him. I wanted to show him that i'm okay with talking about this with him, even though I kinda wasn't because it was really hard to find the right words to convey what is going on in my head and when I do find a way to say it, it always makes me feel stupid.

"Maybe try to think back to how this all started? You didn't have any problems eating before you came here right?" Said Levi, he almost sounded like a therapist. But a good one, not one that tells you that your problems will be fixed with medication and takes all your money.

I instantly felt a pang of guilt in my chest as I immediately recalled how this all developed. It started on that one day a long time ago when Levi shut me out after I thought he was letting me in. The night before he had kissed me and slept in my bed to comfort me, then the next morning he pretended it never happened and avoided me, and said some really awful things to me. I was so upset that I couldn't eat that day, and I guess somewhere in my head it developed that he would like me if I was thinner. I understand why he avoided me that day and I don't blame him for what has become of me, but just because I don't blame him doesn't mean he won't blame himself. I could never tell him what really started this.

"I guess maybe it stuck in my head all those times my dad called me worthless and ugly and unlovable. That's probably what started it." That wasn't necessarily a lie, because I was positive my dad played a roll in this. It really did stick with me to this day all those times he called me worthless as he beat the living hell out of me. But it just isn't in me to tell him the real trigger. I cant imagine what he'd do to himself.

Levi pulled back a little to look me in the eyes, cupping my cheek in his hand. I relaxed into his gentle touch and shut my eyes for a moment before returning the gaze. He simply looked at me for quite a few moments, tracks of deep affection visible in his dark blue orbs. He began shaking his head slightly.

"Your dad was wrong." He spoke softly. "Your dad was so fucking wrong. You're the farthest thing from worthless, you're my entire fucking world and I don't know where i'd be without you. Fuck, i'd probably be dead if you didn't come into my life. You mean just as much to your little sister, your best friend, and your mom. You are not worthless, Eren."

"But i'll never see them again..." My voice cracked, my heart throbbing with pain at the thought of Mikasa and Armin. I wonder what they are doing right now. Do they miss me?

"You will. I don't know how but we will figure something out." Levi said, but i'm not sure that he even believed himself.

I couldn't and wouldn't believe that, its nothing more than hopeful thinking on his part. He's just trying to make me feel better. 

"That's impossible Levi."

"Nothing is impossible. Something will give eventually, the police will investigate this place, someone will come looking for you, this place can go bankrupt, something will happen. And you have to be better for when whatever that something may be does happen." He sounded way too positive, his words were kind of shocking from a pessimist like him. 

However I could see what he was doing, he was trying to convince me to get better with empty hopes for the impossible. He couldn't expect me to believe him, though. I felt like crying after being reminded of Mikasa and Armin, but I've already cried too much. Crying doesn't help anything, it just makes my head pound worse than usual. This whole thing was so fucked up.

"Its just wishful thinking." I said with a shaky sigh, I really wanted to fucking cry. I leaned forward and rested my head in the crook of Levis neck and wapped my arms around his torso. He was so warm, it was a nice feeling as he wrapped his arms around my frail body. He always felt so alive, and having his warmth on me made me feel not so dead.

"I promise something will change. So much bad shit can only happen for so long until something good comes along." He spoke in a soft whisper.

He lifted his hand up to stroke my hair lightly, his touch feather soft as to not make any of my hair fall out or break more than it does on its own. I wanted to fall asleep in his warm embrace, being in his arms is the only time I find myself feeling okay. I was so tired, a lot more tired than usual. But I fought the urge to sleep right then and there.

"Something will give, Eren. Trust me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also guys I have a new instagram account called Phansexual.exe so you can follow me there if you also ship Dan and Phil, I post there almost everyday. Thx ilysm <3


	25. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS ONCE AGAIN SO LATE AND SO SHORT I'M SO SORRY. Not even gonna excuse myself because I know ya'll are sick of excuses. But in other news, I pierced the other side of my nose and my eyebrow yesterday so that's cool. And My instagram account kinda got pretty big so that's also a thing. (phansexual.exe if your wondering my instagram) But anyway yes if you are still here I love you so much and I hope you enjoy this tiny chapter. The next one will be normal length, and I should have an easier time writing it since shits goin down.  
> Enjoy~

His voice, his touch, it was all so soothing. My eyelids were growing heavier and heavier until I had to give in to sleep, and he let me. He knew I was exhausted. Life was so exhausting. I felt the dark blanket of sleep pulling me under just as my eyes closed, and I have no recollection beyond that point. I slipped into a blissful state of sleep, where I felt nothing and the harsh reality vanished.

But all that shattered within what only felt like moments later by the large double doors bursting open and a burly guard calling out dinner time. I snapped awake in an instant, I had become a light sleeper lately. Everything woke me up, yet I was constantly tired. Levi very lightly pushed me off of him, it was soft enough not to hurt me but swift enough that nobody noticed that I was on him to begin with. My arms had fallen to his waist as I slept, and they felt like weights as I dragged them back to my own side.

With a sigh, Levi stood and offered a fairly discreet hand to me. I took it, knowing how weak I was and could use all the help I could get. With him pulling most of my weight, I was able to get to my feet. I stood unmoving as my vision faded to black for a few long moments. They felt longer than normal, but that had to just be me. Right? But then my vision was normal again and I found myself able to walk along side Levi to the cafeteria, though not with ease. My joints hurt like usual, if not a little more than usual.

I hated the smell of whatever food was being served that assaulted my nostrils as I walked into the dining room. I wasn't sure what it was, I was so detached from food that all food smelted the same. It just smelled nauseating. I found myself once again in fear as I walked up to the long counter with various selections laid out, I felt sick and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn't know if I could do this. I began feeling overwhelmed by the second as we moved closer and closer. then we stopped just before it.

"Are you going to..." He trailed off, his voice barley audible above the noise. He spoke carefully, as though anticipating me throwing a fit like a pissed off child. But I was past that. However, I didn't know if I could do it.

"Yeah..." I said anyways, not wanting to disappoint him. I had to try, I couldn't just give up. I had to try damn it. For him.

"You can sit, i'll take care of it." He said, to which I complied with a nod. 

I was kinda glad that he was fixing the plate for me. It is less anxiety provoking and plus I get a little extra time to stall. Yet it was awful at the same time since this is just extra time to think harder about how I could not do this. Hell, I didn't even know why I was so fearful anymore. I suppose even though I know in my heart its not true, I have the fear that Levi will leave me all over again if I let myself become fat and disgusting. Its such a tiresome mental battle that goes on constantly, I know he loves me, but what if it changes? But I know it wont, but maybe it will. I love him and I don't want this to kill me, I don't want him to be alone, but will be be better off without me?

Its all so conflicting and confusing, it makes my brain hurt and the thought of Levi hating me again makes my heart hurt. I was making myself panic. I began tapping my fingers on the table, anxiety ripping through me and making my stomach bubble with nausea. I didn't want to eat, but I didn't want to disappoint him. I can't just leave him alone here, I cant die. No, not yet.

I gasped lightly at the sound of a glass plate being sat in front of me, my heart skipping a beat or two as I was ripped out of my thoughts.

"Sorry..." He said softly, recognizing that he had scared me. He grazed my shoulder ever so slightly with his hand in a way that was quick and discreet, yet reassuring.

I didn't respond with words, only a shaky sigh as I glanced down at the food. Diced chicken and mashed potatoes. Fuckin' disgusting. I clinched my hands into fists and inhaled deeply once more, the sight made me feel even more sick than I had been feeling since I walked in here. I was able to raise one of my hands to rest on the table, closer to the silverware spoon that sat on the edge of the white glass plate. At least mashed potatoes wouldn't be too bad, it was one of the more bearable foods here because I was able to swallow it without tasting. I could just get it over with.

"But what if I get fat again?" I half whispered, not looking up from the plate to make eye contact. I didn't want to know what expression his face held, or what emotions lie within his deep blue eyes.

"You were never fat to begin with, and this is healthy food. It will make you feel so much better." He spoke in a sort of pleading tone. "Please..."

I could hear the desperation in his tone, he really wanted me to get better. I wanted to get better too, but this was just so hard for me. It shouldn't be this hard to eat a damn bite of food but it really was. With another sigh, I reached for the spoon. The metal object was almost too heavy, my arms were so weak. Since when did a damn spoon become so heavy? Shakily, I scooped a small bit of potatoes onto the spoon and slowly raised it to my mouth.

Immediately after it made contact with my tongue, I nearly wretched, like my body couldn't handle the food. But I was somehow able to swallow it quickly. I used the same quick swallowing method for bite after bite until I couldn't handle it anymore. I could feel the food dropping into my stomach, it felt so uncomfortable compared to the usual feeling of emptiness. I felt so nauseous.

I put the spoon down and rested my head in my hands. My headache seemed to be increasing. I was currently numb to the fact that I just ate a ton of food, or at least what seemed like a ton to me, because I couldn't focus on anything other than this headache. 

"Are you okay?" Levi asked with a lot of concern very clear in his tone.

"Yeah... just a headache." I tried to dismiss his worries.

But it wasn't just a headache, I was also nauseous. Really really nauseous for a matter of fact. Like super sick. An overwhelming wave of nausea came over me and I began to get cold sweats. I needed to get to the bathroom now. I felt suddenly overwhelmingly sick. I had to go now.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out as I forced myself to my feet. Quickly, I had to go quickly.

I had already started walking by the time the faded vision hit me. I felt dizzy, really dizzy. I couldn't see but I kept walking in the direction that I knew very well to get to the bathroom. My head felt warm, my vision began to fade back but it was so blurry, I couldn't see a thing. I got a sinking feeling in my gut and my sight jerked, then I felt a horrible pain in my arm. I couldn't see, and my ears were ringing. 

All I could think of was that this is death. I'm dying. Its over. I tried to call out for Levi, but my body wouldn't comply. And then, everything was black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR THAT CLIFF I'M SO AWFUL WHOOPS I AM EVIL. what do you guys think? Leave a comment if you wanna, it really would mean a lot. Also excuse any mistakes please, Its very late and I wanted to get this up before I went to bed


	26. it me

Shit guys. Hi. It me. I know you're probably saying "who" bc i've been gone so long i'm prob irrelevant at this point. but i'm just posting to say I haven't forgotten about my fic. It all just got kinda overwhelming, Im not good at updating as you can see, and when I felt pressured to update I just kinda quit. idk. I've changed a lot since I started this fic. I just recently got back into reading fanfiction because I was trying to find something that made me happy, and reading always made me happy. Okay so the point of me posting this is to say I want to start writing a completely new ereri fanfiction to kinda get back into the swing of things, and maybe come back to this later? And I wanted to know if you guys were still here. So if you're still down to read my work, please comment on this. And if you want to find where i've been residing for the past year, my instagram is Phansexual.exe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why my first chapters note always shows up at the end of my chapters lmao ignore that

**Author's Note:**

> Comment if you liked it and want me to continue it! I had fun writing it and I have some good plans for it, though i'm still not sure where i'm going with it. Levi should be introduced in the next chapter, oh boy i'm going to have fun with that.  
> Thank you for reading!~ *Kisses all ur faces*


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